[~Christina]

Well I have nosed dived right into the rage-y depression mixed bowl of trash. I am leaning very heavy on my Xanax right now. I literally have a duffle bag full of psych meds that I could pull out and try something until my appt on Feb 3rd with Pdoc, but with having the TIA in Nov and Neurologist taking me off Seroquel right away. I doubt a few doses would cause another.. but not going to take the risk. Now being Diabetic its going to be difficult finding something that will still allow me to keep that under control. A friend linked me to a list of all psych meds and it shows which has X side effects and the degree of them like sedation and weight gain etc for some people. I have taken probably 90 % of more of them and had to quit because they didn't work or side effects were too bad.. Meh.

Gus my puppy has been doing really good with potty training.... Today ? he has forgotten everything He's up to 3.2 lbs now and it is too cold to train him outside yet on a consistant basis... Yesterday it wasn't awful so I took him out when I took my big guys out to the pasture, He ran like he was on crack..

Hope everyone has a good start to there week

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by BethRags

My dear friend is currently in the hospital and had a catheterization done to check for any cardiac damage she might have had, if she'd had a heart attack. Turns out that no, she hasn't had a heart attack. What she does have is liver damage due to sitting up alone every night and drinking.

I'm angry. I should be compassionate, but I don't feel as much compassion as I do annoyance. For many years C. has told me that she has health problems...high blood pressure, "some kind of heart problem", she often doesn't feel well, is frequently anxious and depressed. I have encouraged her repeatedly to go to the doctor more often, get on an AD, get into therapy. She hedges and avoids, tells me she's terrified to go to the doctor. I've worried about her so much.

Now I find out that she has liver damage from being an alcoholic. I feel betrayed and like a fool. All this time she's been lying to me. I've wondered why she calls me late at night (I never answer at that time); well, now I know - she's drunk. She leaves long, rambling messages crying that she misses me, and so on.
I feel foolish and used.

I'm sorry your friend reached the point of liver damage. I also understand your frustration about her lies. I understand the position you are in. I was in similar with my father, but my siblings and I did see the writing clearly on the wall after some time. Yet our dad would seemingly foolishly deny his alcohol abuse/dependence.

I do have some mercy on those with substance abuse. It is not at all different than many issues affecting us with bipolar illness. Just as we must apologize for actions done as a result of the illness, obviously so must people with substance abuse. However, it can be difficult to want to apologize when we, with mental illness, feel the victim, ourselves and may be in such an overwhelmed position that any additional pressure/pain is beyond handling. It is clearly a sad fact that the hurt and pain affects many, but when a loved one or friend is down, it may be best to not beat them down even further.

I totally get if you need to stay away from your friend for awhile. It can sometimes be the best, for all parties involved, during the start of recovery journeys.

[Soupe du jour]

It looks like our belongings won't make it to our new home until the end of the first week of February. Boo! In any case, my s-i-l will loan us some things to get started in our new home, and we'll buy some of other things. Unlike in the US, some categories of stores just aren't open because of the pandemic. For example, you'd have a hard time finding kitchenwares, while in the US that could be found at most grocery stores, and also places like Target/Walmart. I don't mind living simply for a while, as long as its my own home. I think it will bug my husband more. However, one good thing about a mostly empty house will be that we can clean it more easily and even do things like painting a couple walls.


I asked Hubby if he'd take me to Prague today, to get out of s-i-l's house and do something different. He said yes, but it looks like it won't happen, in the end. At least gathering things for our house makes me feel like the final move is going to happen. My patience is growing less and less.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by bizi

I am sorry it is episode 1, it is 2 hours long.I should not have called it the pilot. sorry
enjoy
bizi

Thanks, biz!

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

I'm sorry your friend reached the point of liver damage. I also understand your frustration about her lies. I understand the position you are in. I was in similar with my father, but my siblings and I did see the writing clearly on the wall after some time. Yet our dad would seemingly foolishly deny his alcohol abuse/dependence.

I do have some mercy on those with substance abuse. It is not at all different than many issues affecting us with bipolar illness. Just as we must apologize for actions done as a result of the illness, obviously so must people with substance abuse. However, it can be difficult to want to apologize when we, with mental illness, feel the victim, ourselves and may be in such an overwhelmed position that any additional pressure/pain is beyond handling. It is clearly a sad fact that the hurt and pain affects many, but when a loved one or friend is down, it may be best to not beat them down even further.

I totally get if you need to stay away from your friend for awhile. It can sometimes be the best, for all parties involved, during the start of recovery journeys.

Thanks, Soupe. No, I would never beat her down. Actually, what frustrates me far more than her not disclosing her alcohol abuse to me (which I can understand, I'm sure her shame is miserable to live with...and she doesn't realize that with having BD I know all too well about mental illness!)- anyway, what I find so difficult is that so far, she hasn't taken any steps to change/better her situation. For example, she takes care of her elderly mom full-time. It's an enormous job, of course. I've been telling her for years that she needs to apply to be paid for being a home care giver. I did it when I cared for my mom; it's not difficult. But C. drags her feet, than chronically complains about not having any money.

But, I will continue to be supportive of her and gently encourage her to take baby steps in a healthy direction. I just need to step back at this time. She has a tremendous amount of family support, which I do not. So I need to practice my own self care.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

It looks like our belongings won't make it to our new home until the end of the first week of February. Boo! In any case, my s-i-l will loan us some things to get started in our new home, and we'll buy some of other things. Unlike in the US, some categories of stores just aren't open because of the pandemic. For example, you'd have a hard time finding kitchenwares, while in the US that could be found at most grocery stores, and also places like Target/Walmart. I don't mind living simply for a while, as long as its my own home. I think it will bug my husband more. However, one good thing about a mostly empty house will be that we can clean it more easily and even do things like painting a couple walls.

I asked Hubby if he'd take me to Prague today, to get out of s-i-l's house and do something different. He said yes, but it looks like it won't happen, in the end. At least gathering things for our house makes me feel like the final move is going to happen. My patience is growing less and less.

End of February...Yikes! The upside is as you say, though- cleaning, painting, it will all be much easier without having to deal with "stuff" in the way.

I really would like to see you in your own home, finally.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by BethRags

End of February...Yikes! The upside is as you say, though- cleaning, painting, it will all be much easier without having to deal with "stuff" in the way.

I really would like to see you in your own home, finally.

Thanks, Beth. Actually, it will be at the end of the first week of February. Hopefully not the end of the month.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

Thanks, Beth. Actually, it will be at the end of the first week of February. Hopefully not the end of the month.

Oh geez, I misread that. End of the 1st week of February is still stressful. The good thing is, it'll arrive quickly.

[Mountaindewed]

I am super super down in the dumps today. SI and everything. I took two 1mil Xanax around 9:30 and 11. Then I just now took another 1mil and a 1mil XR. Just to see if they help somewhat with what I’m feeling. The carpets were installed this morning. My mom thinks gray carpets and gray walls will sell the place faster. It looks like a mental institution to me. It just feels so surreal now the move. Plus the new South African Covid strain is scaring the **** out of me. I am so so depressed today.

Plus my chest is hurting a lot for the first time since November and pain is tough on me. I used to have such a high tolerance. Things just suck.

[Nammu]

Ohhhh geeezzzz shopping wears me out even when it’s only bits and pieces that come from different stores. Got my tea and paper towels and Kleenex, the rest wasn’t as important,...no I take that back, the cat litter was very important! I’m down to nothing. Yeah that was heavy. I got two so I don’t need it for awhile. Darn I forgot a mailing envelope!!! Gotta send the grandkids their cards and treats for valentines.

I’m doing ok. Just middling along not up or down. They changed the vaccine sign up so tomorrow I have a fighting chance to get mum signed. Up. I’m only 62 so it will be a while for me.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I am super super down in the dumps today. SI and everything. I took two 1mil Xanax around 9:30 and 11. Then I just now took another 1mil and a 1mil XR. Just to see if they help somewhat with what I’m feeling. The carpets were installed this morning. My mom thinks gray carpets and gray walls will sell the place faster. It looks like a mental institution to me. It just feels so surreal now the move. Plus the new South African Covid strain is scaring the **** out of me. I am so so depressed today.

Plus my chest is hurting a lot for the first time since November. Things just suck.

I'm so sorry you're having a bad day, but I truly laughed out loud at "My mom thinks gray carpets and gray walls will sell the place faster. It looks like a mental institution to me."

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Nammu

Ohhhh geeezzzz shopping wears me out even when it’s only bits and pieces that come from different stores. Got my tea and paper towels and Kleenex, the rest wasn’t as important,...no I take that back, the cat litter was very important! I’m down to nothing. Yeah that was heavy. I got two so I don’t need it for awhile. Darn I forgot a mailing envelope!!! Gotta send the grandkids their cards and treats for valentines.

I’m doing ok. Just middling along not up or down. They changed the vaccine sign up so tomorrow I have a fighting chance to get mum signed. Up. I’m only 62 so it will be a while for me.

Shopping always wears me out. But then, most things do. Sending Valentines is fun, though.

[swimmingly]

hi,

not sure if anyone remembers me, but I disappeared back in Oct/Nov. I was doing really well, and then in October started the great crash. FIrst, I was laid off. I think I shared that with everyone before I disappeared. Then I started having migraines. I tried to file unemployment and found out that someone had stolen my identity and I wasn't able to make a claim under my id. I've been fighting my state's gov't over that ever since. No luck. No money. Tight food. I disappeared from here. I didn't feel like myself anymore. I think that should have been a sign that I was tanking it, but I couldn't see it. I ended up finally recognizing the signs and getting into a PHP where I've been getting treatment for my bipolar. My meds have pretty much stopped working. I like this program because I can do it from home, and it takes four hours a day. there's exercises about how to deal with breaking out of episodes. They help me. I've got a few tricks in my toolkit.

I hope all the regulars are going well and any new members have found this to be a safe haven. I'll do my best to stick around better this time.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by swimmingly

hi,

not sure if anyone remembers me, but I disappeared back in Oct/Nov. I was doing really well, and then in October started the great crash. FIrst, I was laid off. I think I shared that with everyone before I disappeared. Then I started having migraines. I tried to file unemployment and found out that someone had stolen my identity and I wasn't able to make a claim under my id. I've been fighting my state's gov't over that ever since. No luck. No money. Tight food. I disappeared from here. I didn't feel like myself anymore. I think that should have been a sign that I was tanking it, but I couldn't see it. I ended up finally recognizing the signs and getting into a PHP where I've been getting treatment for my bipolar. My meds have pretty much stopped working. I like this program because I can do it from home, and it takes four hours a day. there's exercises about how to deal with breaking out of episodes. They help me. I've got a few tricks in my toolkit.

I hope all the regulars are going well and any new members have found this to be a safe haven. I'll do my best to stick around better this time.

Sure I remember you! I'm glad you dropped in and hope that you will stick around. Sounds like you went through a really rough patch. Huge kudos to you for taking the step of getting into a PHP.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Welcome back Swimmingly! I'm sorry things have been so rough and am glad you are getting help.

[bizi]

welcome back swimmingly.
The forums are another tool in your tool box kit for things to do to make your situation come around. To help you cope.

bizi

[bizi]

for give me for asking is SI suicide ideation or does it mean self Injury?
bizi

[Mountaindewed]

Took too much again. I may go IP voluntarily after my therapy appointment. I want to spill my guts to her first. Feeling super sick right now. More than usual after an episode. I can sleep it off again. I’m sure. I can’t believe installing new carpets made me freak out so badly.

The whole thing was just so surreal. My mind is kinda goofy too.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by bizi

for give me for asking is SI suicide ideation or does it mean self Injury?
bizi

Si is suicidal ideation, SH is (I think) self harm.

[*Beth*]

I called my friend C. She's home from the hospital, did not have a heart attack, went into the ER on Saturday because she "felt awful." Her blood pressure was sky-high, her blood sugar was very low, and she's lost a substantial amount of weight recently (without trying). The diagnosis is, indeed, liver damage. She hotly denied that the damage is from, as her MD put it, "acute alcoholism." Said she might have a "little bit of scarring on her liver" from not eating well. I asked her if she thinks therapy could be helpful. She snapped at me about "not having a drinking problem"! Then she said her liver is damaged from stress. She did agree that an antidepressant could help.

I listened to her for nearly an hour, said very little (not much to say, frankly). Hopefully the case manager they assigned in the hospital will get her on a healthy track. I've done all I am willing to do. I won't get into an argument with her.