[Moose72]

Originally Posted by BethRags

thank you so much I'm sorry you have to live with that grief, Moose. It hangs on like cobwebs.

As for what to do while N3 is at the doctor - the coffee shop would be my choice, for sure.

Ken had stage 4 lung cancer. He showed up at the coffee shop out of breath and I teased him and asked him if he'd run from the car. Not long after, he took himself to the ER and they admitted him. He was there a very short time and they diagnosed him with lung cancer. He was put on "comfort care" soon after he was admitted. He had diabetes but they told him he could eat whatever he wanted. I came to visit him every day. But they sent him home to his sister's place in another town and I texted him but never saw him again. There wasn't a funeral for us in MI. Just those in Pennsylvania - that's where the family was from and that's where they held the funeral. I felt worse- an even bigger loss because I never got to say "goodbye" even though our last texts were happy and loving.

I'm thinking I'll go to the coffee shop. Restaurants ARE open here. I just hope it isn't busy when I'm there. I'd like to just sit in a comfy chair and read my book.

It's my first night on reduced benzos but it's only a 5% reduction so i'll be taking 95% of the full dose and don't anticipate any problems. That little an amount probably won't make any difference. Lower in the taper might be more challenging tho but i'm in no rush.

It was another quiet day. My Valentine's present came, a hoodie i ordered off Amazon and it's not warm fleece, it's thin jersey. So that's a disappointment and i'm stuck with my warm but ugly black men's hoodie but i don't care too much what i look like these long lonely days at home so whatever.

I'm feeling some anxiety about my haircut on Tuesday. I've only been off the property twice since before Christmas. I'll just have to tell myself that it's only take less than 90 minutes there and back and i'll feel much better to have tidier hair. They're only booking appointments online so the appointment's been requested, accepted and confirmed and now i just have to go to it. Grrr...

@BethRags: Sorry to hear you are missing your best friend today. It sounds like it was a lovely relationship, exchanging Valentine's cards with her when the men in our lives sometimes forget. I really want a friend like that.

[buddha1too]

I can certainly sympathize with the SI you're currently experiencing, bpcyclist. Been there, tried that. I hope you can compartmentalize the thoughts, though. I'm glad you're reaching out here. I hope you've gotten in touch with your therapist or someone else who can intervene until this passes...& it will pass. After all, that's the nature of bipolar disorder. I realize, however, that it's tough to see your way clear of the darkness when you're in the middle of it. Hang in there.

[Soupe du jour]

Long day. Our handymen finished up the main tasks we needed their help with. The house looks good, albeit not totally moved into. Hubby and I continued unpacking. Well, I mostly did. My kitchen is nearly where it should be for comfort. Relief! Other rooms are still in the works. Today we had a special appointment at a bedroom furniture store to select a new bedroom suite. [Appointments only given covid-19.] It's a huge purchase, but one that should last for the rest of our lives. It's lovely and good quality! We left our old one (that was wearing out with some damage - IKEA) for the buyers of our old house. Unfortunately, we will have to wait 9 weeks to receive our new furniture. Everything takes a while here. Even receiving orders from Amazon.de takes much longer than receiving stuff from Amazon in the US.

The handymen are nice guys, but boy am I happy they are gone! No rubbing shoulders. No moments of awkwardness because of my Czech language difficulties. Heck, I can go downstairs in my underwear now, if I want to! I also look forward to eating healthier and stuff the handymen wouldn't likely like.

I did unpack my scale, but I haven't gotten on it yet. The moment of reckoning is soon.

[Mountaindewed]

I’m doing pretty good today. I went to the library to pickup books. And I got a couple tacos from Taco Bell. My mom got her vaccine and I picked up groceries from their curbside service. I didn’t feel like going into the grocery store. I picked up this stuff I have to drink before my CT scan next Monday. I’ve never had to drink anything for a CT scan.. But it’s these 2 huge bottles of some type of vanilla drink which I seriously doubt taste very good. I have to drink both an hour apart. According to the order for the scan it says I’m diagnosed with chronic kidney disease. Which is a bit scary. It also says elevated pancreas levels.

So I don’t know what’s wrong but it seems and feels like something is. I am beyond constipated and every thing I try doesn’t work. So I’m in a lot of discomfort. But I am super glad I’m getting a new therapist because my mental health has been a lot better since making that decision.

[wildflowerchild25]

Feeling unwell again today. Just depressed. Not deeply so, just a general haze. RS got me the special candy I like for Valentine’s Day but what I appreciated even more was when he went out (with a sore back, mind you) and chopped up all the ice near my car so I could make it there without slipping. He’s a gentleman.

I’ve about had it with the cold, gray weather. More ice tonight. More snow on Thursday, supposedly, but I’m not understanding how, temperature wise. Cold weekend. But after that we will start warming up; again, supposedly. And by warming up I mean getting into the mid 40s which still isn’t warm enough for me but a far cry better than the low 30s it’s been since mid January.

I have therapy tomorrow which I really don’t want to do. I don’t feel like talking. It’s just too much. I just want to retreat into my shell. Everyone leave me alone. I’m hiding in bed today. I shouldn’t, I know that, but I’m indulging myself.

Tomorrow will be a bit rough bc I’ve been sleeping in for four days so getting up early will be a challenge. I’ve been sleeping better though. Not staying up all hours of the night. It’s been a long while since I’ve been able to go to sleep before eleven. So I guess that’s good.

[bizi]

drinking 4 dog fish heads.
hubby is at work.
it is cold out here 29 degrees
hubby will be home soon.
bizi

[Sunflower123]

I’ve been struggling with a lack of motivation and productivity for awhile in certain areas. It’s very demoralizing to make a to do list and not be able to get yourself to do certain things. I have back pain and I think that has scared me while doing physical things. I’ve tried a Procrastination course and self discipline books and even got a transformational coach to weigh in. I don’t know what the answer is but it’s bringing me down.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by bizi

drinking 4 dog fish heads.
hubby is at work.
it is cold out here 29 degrees
hubby will be home soon.
bizi

That's plenty cold. How's the drinking going, bizi?

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Happy Valentine's Day, Soupe!

The cake was darling. A red/pink/white fondant (deep pink as the main color) with decorations including little heart sprinkles. The inside was intense...a chocolate mousse cake that was rich...like, really rich. Tasted great, though! I had intended to put lots of little candles on it - then realized that, due to covid, we wouldn't be able to blow them out.

Sounds so yummy! I would have preferred that cake. We bought a couple slices of a Valentine's type dessert, but it was not so special. Czechs like to put gelatin on the top of some cakes. Hubby wanted it because it had red raspberries, but the gelatin was so hard it was two steps from being gummy bear hard.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

Long day. Our handymen finished up the main tasks we needed their help with. The house looks good, albeit not totally moved into. Hubby and I continued unpacking. Well, I mostly did. My kitchen is nearly where it should be for comfort. Relief! Other rooms are still in the works. Today we had a special appointment at a bedroom furniture store to select a new bedroom suite. [Appointments only given covid-19.] It's a huge purchase, but one that should last for the rest of our lives. It's lovely and good quality! We left our old one (that was wearing out with some damage - IKEA) for the buyers of our old house. Unfortunately, we will have to wait 9 weeks to receive our new furniture. Everything takes a while here. Even receiving orders from Amazon.de takes much longer than receiving stuff from Amazon in the US.

The handymen are nice guys, but boy am I happy they are gone! No rubbing shoulders. No moments of awkwardness because of my Czech language difficulties. Heck, I can go downstairs in my underwear now, if I want to! I also look forward to eating healthier and stuff the handymen wouldn't likely like.

I did unpack my scale, but I haven't gotten on it yet. The moment of reckoning is soon.

I'm so glad your home life is finally settling down! It will be a joy to cook your own food, in your own kitchen. Heck, go downstairs in your underwear and dance the hootchie-kootchie in the kitchen!!

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I’ve been struggling with a lack of motivation and productivity for awhile in certain areas. It’s very demoralizing to make a to do list and not be able to get yourself to do certain things. I have back pain and I think that has scared me while doing physical things. I’ve tried a Procrastination course and self discipline books and even got a transformational coach to weigh in. I don’t know what the answer is but it’s bringing me down.

I feel for you. Before I had surgery on my achilles tendon I was constantly in pain - and constantly chastising myself for not getting enough things done. Now my achilles pain is gone, but I do have back pain that prevents me from doing as much as I'd like to do.


I understand the frustration, but be kind to yourself. It's not procrastinating when you're in pain. It's a chronic pain issue.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I'm so glad your home life is finally settling down! It will be a joy to cook your own food, in your own kitchen. Heck, go downstairs in your underwear and dance the hootchie-kootchie in the kitchen!!

yes! Dance in your undies! It reminds me of my old apartment- I had a washer and a dryer there. My own. I would sometimes run the laundry and then decide that I wanted to wash what I had on, so I'd just strip down and throw them in! I dunno where the kids were. Maybe it was after they moved out. I dunno. But then I'd go get a shower and redress and feel great.

[Moose72]

I have had a somewhat eventful day. N3 and I went out to a few stores this afternoon/evening. Its been snowing for hours- little tiny snow, but it was icy and it added up. Just as soon as I got the car brushed off, I'd need to start again! My back window defrost lines don't turn on anymore so that got fogged up from our breathing. I opened the back windows a little which helped a modest amount. Driving home was 25 mph the whole way. I need a new car. Its just dangerous to drive that way! It has other things wrong with it, too, which everybody turns a blind eye to. I can't afford to get it fixed so yeah. It's like that. Tomorrow, it's supposed to snow until 11 a.m. and then just be cloudy, but its going to snow all night too so there will be a lot of snow to remove from the roads and from my car before I have to drive N3 to his yearly doctor check up.

I'm watching a documentary on Marian Anderson. Such an amazing singer.

My first night on reduced benzos went fine! I'm really doing it! It's really happening!

[Soupe du jour]

I became so exhausted from continuing unpacking that I felt dizzy. I'm taking a break, but will continue. My kitchen is so close to being ready. I wish we could move to the futon downstairs. Perhaps I might, if Hubby doesn't want to. Simple comforts are long overdue for me. For example, being able to get out of bed by swinging my legs over the side instead of being blocked against the wall. Or not having to go down a slightly spiral staircase in the middle of the night during a Seroquel XR daze. Or having a side table to put a stupid glass of water on.

Tonight I have my video session with my old pdoc. Tomorrow therapy with my new therapist. The latter is in person. New relationships are more work than old ones, for me. My pdoc can pretty much read my mind. That ability isn't as easy via video, but isn't lost.

After tomorrow afternoon, I have nothing on my calendar until Monday, unless we need another grocery store run. I'm glad.

I now get emails not only in Czech, but German, since the Amazon distribution is based in Austria and Germany. One takes for granted understanding a local language, until that changes. I'm not sure how many Czechs order from Amazon, regularly. My s-i-l does often, but she is a Czech to German (and vice versa) translator for a living. Even my husband understands a bit of German. CZ is nestled between those two countries. People out there incorrectly refer to CZ as in "eastern Europe", but it's not. It's central. Prague (and most of CZ) is further west than Vienna, Austria. No one would call Vienna part of "eastern Europe".

[Innerzone]

We had a whopper of a snow, followed by ice storm, and the aftermath is a mess. We're among the (was 300,000, now 215,000) people without power. Or Internet. (I'm using my phone data.) We've had no power (or heat) since the midnight between Sunday and Monday. Work has been closed for days. A couple of us managed to get there yesterday (I walked), but the power was cutting out and with no Internet, we can't serve customers (our program for making orders, and no credit card processing). Will try again today. And bring my charger. There is also virtually no transit, and a downed power line in front of our place (which is among 5,000 others) isn't helping (our several block section of the street is barricaded). I am going to try to get to the grocery store today after (hopefully) work. It might take a very long time, and being on foot for much of it. But we have very little food (most fridge and all freezer food goners, and no way to heat anything in cabinet). Nuts, bread, granola bars and peanut butter are getting tedious.

Ugh. Like I said, it's a MESS. I've lived here over a decade and never seen anything like it.

Mood's ok though.

[Moose72]

We got quite a bit of snow overnight. Its still snowing. N3's doctor's appointment is at 2:30 but my mom's husband is taking him so I don't have to drive in this mess. His car is brand new so he can sit in it and be warm unlike my pos. I was going to go to a coffee shop while I was waiting for N3 but now I don't have to.

Btw, I turned on PBS because I was watching it last night and Sesame Street was on. Big Bird was talking with Grover- or maybe they were singing?- but anyway Big Bird's voice is changing! It sounds significantly lower. I know that Carrol Spinney (however you spell that) died but an adolescent Big Bird??

[*Beth*]

It's upsetting when the Sesame Street characters' voices change. I'm with you on that, Moose

For all of you in the hazardous weather conditions - please be safe.

It's starting to look like very early spring here. A tree here and there blooming and the grasses turning bright green. If we don't get some more rain, though, it won't be good.

[Soupe du jour]

I'm a bit upset that I forgot my video session with my psychiatrist. I only remembered 38 minutes after its scheduled start. Since the sessions are only about 20 minutes, it was too late. I sent him an email, but haven't yet heard back from him. I'm very disappointed because I wanted to talk to him.

I should have received some kind of reminder, but I didn't see any evidence of one. I wonder if the "clock" on my gmail calendar is a bit messed up because of my new location.