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Red face Jan 25, 2021 at 08:50 PM
  #41
I would distance myself from her abusive behavior(verbal).
You can lead a horse to water.........but you can't make it drink.
She is in denial like you said. Only she can make up her mind.
I hope I did not make matters worse for you?
Give her an ultimatum. It is called tough love.
I don't really know...
Am so sorry that she and you are in this spot. You can walk away from her. Tell her that you would get together for coffees.
don't know.
We will support you what ever your decision is.
sorry trying to be helpful....don't know that I am.
bizi

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Default Jan 25, 2021 at 09:34 PM
  #42
@swimmingly Welcome back! Sorry to hear about the rough patch, but glad you persevered and got help.

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Default Jan 25, 2021 at 09:35 PM
  #43
Work was very hard. I could feel the depression crushing my chest. I got an appt with my pdoc at 2:30 today, a video session, so I took it. I missed mine last week because I mixed up the dates. I actually cried. I CRIED. I never, ever cry. I just felt so overwhelmed. She increased lamictal for a short time to keep my feet under me while I deal with this.

I decided to read a book I often read when distressed. Get me out of here by Rachel reiland. It’s about BPD, not BP, but the underlay is her dealing with childhood abuse that she never saw as abuse, which is what I’m dealing with except in the context of my marriage. I put it down an hour ago so I could try to get some sleep. I’m not having SI yet. I’d like to SH but it’s pointless, it would only upset RS and would only make me feel better for a moment.

I think I need to start keeping a journal again. I had a nice pretty one but I’m not sure what I did with it. It’s easier to type. I guess I should fire up my chrome book.

I have therapy tomorrow. I’m going to bring up the anxiety at least, we will see where it leads.

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Default Jan 25, 2021 at 10:41 PM
  #44
If they only knew what i really thought
What was really going on in my mind
They would either close their eyes and pretend no to see me
For who i really am
Or they would shun me for my thoughts.
i reach out and they don't hear my silent screams
Of helplessness, of hopelessness
So i sit and wait
To see how it will all turn out
In the end. Alone.

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Default Jan 25, 2021 at 10:50 PM
  #45
Quote:
Originally Posted by bizi View Post
I would distance myself from her abusive behavior(verbal).
You can lead a horse to water.........but you can't make it drink.
She is in denial like you said. Only she can make up her mind.
I hope I did not make matters worse for you?
Give her an ultimatum. It is called tough love.
I don't really know...
Am so sorry that she and you are in this spot. You can walk away from her. Tell her that you would get together for coffees.
don't know.
We will support you what ever your decision is.
sorry trying to be helpful....don't know that I am.
bizi

VERY helpful, bizi! Everything you've posted to me about my friend has been helpful. I would so easily allow myself to be abused - thank you for reminding me not to allow that. btw, C. lives in a different state, which makes it easier to cool our friendship, at least until (if) she gets on a healthier path. 52 years is a long time for a friendship, so I won't give it up entirely. But sticking to Facebook for a good, long while works for me.

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Default Jan 25, 2021 at 10:54 PM
  #46
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Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 View Post
Work was very hard. I could feel the depression crushing my chest. I got an appt with my pdoc at 2:30 today, a video session, so I took it. I missed mine last week because I mixed up the dates. I actually cried. I CRIED. I never, ever cry. I just felt so overwhelmed. She increased lamictal for a short time to keep my feet under me while I deal with this.

I decided to read a book I often read when distressed. Get me out of here by Rachel reiland. It’s about BPD, not BP, but the underlay is her dealing with childhood abuse that she never saw as abuse, which is what I’m dealing with except in the context of my marriage. I put it down an hour ago so I could try to get some sleep. I’m not having SI yet. I’d like to SH but it’s pointless, it would only upset RS and would only make me feel better for a moment.

I think I need to start keeping a journal again. I had a nice pretty one but I’m not sure what I did with it. It’s easier to type. I guess I should fire up my chrome book.

I have therapy tomorrow. I’m going to bring up the anxiety at least, we will see where it leads.

I know that exact feeling of "chest crushing" depression. I'm sending you a virtual very gentle hug, wfc

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Default Jan 26, 2021 at 04:51 AM
  #47
Even though I woke up at 6 am this morning, I just couldn't move until after 10 am. Last night I slept alone in one of my s-i-l's bedrooms. Hubby slept in another because the bed in the room I am in slopes downward on one side, and next to a cold window on the other. I understand Hubby wanting a better sleep, but the loneliness and lack of physical closeness got to me.

From 6 am onward, all I had were sad thoughts. Feeling hurt by something said yesterday. Feeling alone. Already feeling the frustration of not understanding the language here in Czech Republic. Upset that they often talk over me, in Czech, as if I am a tree stump or child. Yes, I know no intentional harm is being done, but...

After some months of being strong with figurative calluses, some weakness and vulnerability is starting to show itself. Homesickness already. Homeless feeling. And yet we are to finally go to Brno tomorrow. So close, but I am weakening mere meters to the next stage of this journey. I am also keenly aware that the journey will be a long one with many challenges ahead.

Who knows. Maybe tomorrow I will feel strong again, with excitement. Or even this afternoon. Mood dips can be fleeting. Also, I have to know that anyone in my position--even those without mental health challenges--could feel the same.

I have asked my husband numerous times to just go for a walk with me, or take me to Prague, but he hasn't. His excuse is always that he has too much to do. But not even a 10 minute walk? Then, just a bit ago, he asked if I would like a walk with him. Finally. He now "gets" that my earlier sniffles were not a developing cold, as he earlier asked, but rather tears.

I will be alright.
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Default Jan 26, 2021 at 06:21 AM
  #48
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Originally Posted by Soupe du jour View Post
Even though I woke up at 6 am this morning, I just couldn't move until after 10 am. Last night I slept alone in one of my s-i-l's bedrooms. Hubby slept in another because the bed in the room I am in slopes downward on one side, and next to a cold window on the other. I understand Hubby wanting a better sleep, but the loneliness and lack of physical closeness got to me.

From 6 am onward, all I had were sad thoughts. Feeling hurt by something said yesterday. Feeling alone. Already feeling the frustration of not understanding the language here in Czech Republic. Upset that they often talk over me, in Czech, as if I am a tree stump or child. Yes, I know no intentional harm is being done, but...

After some months of being strong with figurative calluses, some weakness and vulnerability is starting to show itself. Homesickness already. Homeless feeling. And yet we are to finally go to Brno tomorrow. So close, but I am weakening mere meters to the next stage of this journey. I am also keenly aware that the journey will be a long one with many challenges ahead.

Who knows. Maybe tomorrow I will feel strong again, with excitement. Or even this afternoon. Mood dips can be fleeting. Also, I have to know that anyone in my position--even those without mental health challenges--could feel the same.

I have asked my husband numerous times to just go for a walk with me, or take me to Prague, but he hasn't. His excuse is always that he has too much to do. But not even a 10 minute walk? Then, just a bit ago, he asked if I would like a walk with him. Finally. He now "gets" that my earlier sniffles were not a developing cold, as he earlier asked, but rather tears.

I will be alright.

You're absolutely correct in that anyone would feel homesick, etc. in the situation you're in. I think it would be odd if they didn't, in fact.

I hope today is going better for you, Soupe.

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Default Jan 26, 2021 at 07:47 AM
  #49
Last night was weird. I took my meds (including PRN Temazepam) and I was terrified of falling asleep. Like I genuinely believed if I fell asleep I would die. This was after two back to back all-nighters so I needed sleep too. I was laying down and whenever I would feel like I was falling asleep my anxiety would just skyrocket and I'd have to wake myself up. I did eventually fall asleep though (for five broken hours). Today I'm super anxious. Gotta get my iinjection later.

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Default Jan 26, 2021 at 08:43 AM
  #50
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I will be alright.
It's okay not to be alright. It's such a different world, and I do not know that I would have remotely the strength that you've shown in isolation. My ears are always open.
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Default Jan 26, 2021 at 09:29 AM
  #51
Thanks, BethRags and swimmingly!

@swimmingly, of course I remember you and am very happy to see you back here.
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Default Jan 26, 2021 at 12:06 PM
  #52
Got mum on a wait list. Her age will put her high on the list but because we live in a small town further from the action might put her lower.

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Default Jan 26, 2021 at 12:18 PM
  #53
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Got mum on a wait list. Her age will put her high on the list but because we live in a small town further from the action might put her lower.

glad that you got her on the list.
bizi

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Default Jan 26, 2021 at 12:35 PM
  #54
Nurse was kinda making mountains out of mole hills IMO. She thinks I'm manic. Nah, but she's gonna email my pnurse and therapist. She mentioned hospital. Definitely not even close to that level. But I freakin love her! She said we make a good team and it's true. She's the only one I actually like that I see at the mental health center and she puts needles in me!

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Default Jan 26, 2021 at 03:20 PM
  #55
Therapy went well today. I told her I was S last night and I was thinking a lot about the 27 club and how I only have a couple weeks left until I turn 28. She was kinda freaked out by the whole 27 club idea and she asked if she needed to call 911. I said no. Then asked if she would really do that. And she was like yeah I would. Then I told her about another therapist I had from the same clinic who I went through a lot of stuff with and she called 911 on me before. I told her that I’ve seen it and I know what it’s like to have the cops called on you. But we figured out a safety plan. She asked me if I was safe and I said “yeah I just need a Xanax and to eat something.” I don’t know if she’s that worried but she seemed to be. I mentioned taking cough syrup a couple weeks ago and how my mom wanted to call 911 but I told my mom I was fine. She was just like “next time call 911.” We talked about the hysterectomy and how my gynecologist won’t do it for ethical reasons and how it’s difficult for someone my age to get it done without medical issues. She asked about the therapist I found and I told her her name and she looked her up and said “yeah she’d be great for you.” We did talk about my secret and I told her how I think it’s just my response to stress because I can just get into my space at night and these things helps me deal with my negative thoughts. She said it’s not a big deal and since these things are calming then it’s good.” I told her I had a lot of stuff and I didn’t want to have to move a lot of things. she asked if I were in charge of moving my own things and I said “yeah”. She said if my mom were to find out my mom would probably think it wasn’t a big deal and she wouldn’t kick me out of the house or anything. I mentioned that I felt like I had dependent personality disorder because I get clingy with people and she was like the 13th person I’ve met who I felt and acted the same with. Then I moved on easily to the next person. She looked almost sad for some reason. Like I was telling her she was easily replaceable or something. I explained that emailing people is nothing new and that I’ve been doing it since 5th grade and that’s just how I communicate. She still had that sad look and said the emails were a safety issue. I wasn’t even talking about being able to email her again. I was talking more about being dependent on people. But yeah today went good. I told her about using the men’s room for the first time. She seemed impressed and asked how it went. She told me to watch what I read since a lot of what I read promotes bad behavior.

If sessions continue like this where she doesn’t freak out about the stuff I tell her that happened during the week or if she doesn’t push me to the point of anger I can manage with her until I move. I told her I think not emailing her throughout the week actually makes sessions better and I can talk a lot more in session because I haven’t emailed her everything throughout the week.

But yeah today was good.

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Default Jan 26, 2021 at 04:08 PM
  #56
I’m doing alright today. I haven’t done much – I’m falling down the rabbit hole of youtube and the internet as a whole, haha. I feel lonely these days but it’ll pass – it always does. I am where I am and this is where I am. I guess.

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Default Jan 26, 2021 at 06:22 PM
  #57
I got my second Covid vaccine (moderna) about three hours ago. Holy **** my arm hurts. My arm was a little sore after the first one but damn I can’t even lift it now. I’m not worried though. I took some Advil and hopefully that helps. I’ve read people generally feel a little crappier the second dose but they are all fine by 24 hours. I’m just happy I was considered a front line worker even though I also feel like I really don’t deserve it because I work at the school not the hospital. But I figured if I didn’t do it I wouldn’t be able to get one til who knows when - and I’m right. My SIL who has congestive heart failure, asthma, and is super obese (but she’s already lost 85 pounds and keeps going!) can’t get one until may 31. I have obesity but that’s it and I would have had to wait for the general population which could be months if not another year. So I do feel bad but it eases my anxiety, about that at least.

I totally chickened out and did not tell my therapist a damn thing. Just chatted about the house and things. I’m not as depressed today so she didn’t think I was hiding something. I know I’ll be fine until I’m triggered again and I’ll be back in the same position. That could happen tonight for all I know.

I ordered a cheap little aromatherapy necklace to help me. I can put a few drops of essential oil on the little lava stone inside and I can smell it when I’m anxious. It’s pretty and unobtrusive. Strong smells sometimes calm me down.

Here I go sticking my head in the sand again. Eventually it’ll be too much.

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Default Jan 26, 2021 at 07:53 PM
  #58
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My dear friend is currently in the hospital and had a catheterization done to check for any cardiac damage she might have had, if she'd had a heart attack. Turns out that no, she hasn't had a heart attack. What she does have is liver damage due to sitting up alone every night and drinking.


I'm angry. I should be compassionate, but I don't feel as much compassion as I do annoyance. For many years C. has told me that she has health problems...high blood pressure, "some kind of heart problem", she often doesn't feel well, is frequently anxious and depressed. I have encouraged her repeatedly to go to the doctor more often, get on an AD, get into therapy. She hedges and avoids, tells me she's terrified to go to the doctor. I've worried about her so much.


Now I find out that she has liver damage from being an alcoholic. I feel betrayed and like a fool. All this time she's been lying to me. I've wondered why she calls me late at night (I never answer at that time); well, now I know - she's drunk. She leaves long, rambling messages crying that she misses me, and so on.

I feel foolish and used.
Maybe she was self-medicating for her depression and didn’t realize she was an alcoholic. My mom’s best friend recently died suddenly of liver failure secondary to alcoholism. Everyone was shocked. Her friend had gotten a divorce and was lonely and depressed. She secretly self-medicated with alcohol. Even she did not realize she had become an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a serious disease.

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Default Jan 26, 2021 at 08:50 PM
  #59
Every time I don’t say how high when my mom says jump she calls my sister on the phone and acts like she is dying and can my sister come by the house. I’ve had enough of it. I bend over backwards taking care of that woman. I know she and my brother really need me but I’m thinking of moving out. Today was the last straw.

I’m so hurt and angry that I can’t even be in the same room as her right now. I’m totally icing her out. Maybe after I sleep on it I’ll feel differently. I doubt it though.

Warm regards to all.
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Default Jan 26, 2021 at 09:27 PM
  #60
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Every time I don’t say how high when my mom says jump she calls my sister on the phone and acts like she is dying and can my sister come by the house. I’ve had enough of it. I bend over backwards taking care of that woman. I know she and my brother really need me but I’m thinking of moving out. Today was the last straw.

I’m so hurt and angry that I can’t even be in the same room as her right now. I’m totally icing her out. Maybe after I sleep on it I’ll feel differently. I doubt it though.

Warm regards to all.
Oh, that would be so hard. I’m sorry your mother doesn’t appreciate you.

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