[Nammu]

Originally Posted by buddha1too

I'd be curious to hear about the experience of others where this is concerned. As I've grown older, I experience depression with the same frequency, but have fewer "mood upswings." I used to get pretty hypo as spring & early-summer approached, too...but not so much in recent years. While I wouldn't ever want to be full-blown manic again, I miss those hypo-bursts. I don't know if it's the meds, or just the aging process but I miss that life-affirming & creative energy. I guess I should learn to appreciate stability.

I could have written this post. I very much miss the micro bursts. I do get more cheerful with longer days but don’t experience the increase in energy. Meds or aging I don’t know. Been on the same cocktail for around 5 years and been stable so I’m afraid to mess with it.

My first night at 15mg of Valium in my benzo taper went fine. I hear @Soupe du jour's plan and wonder if i am being too cautious. But i've been in benzo withdrawal when i didn't have access to meds as a transient in my early 30s and it's not ever something i'd want to repeat so i'll stay the course. I'm in no rush whereas she has a reason to want to come off soon.

I walked my dog again today and it was extremely hard to get myself to, i so didn't want to. I made a deal with myself that i would just take her to the dog-park so at least she could exercise and have fun. But then in the dog-park the sunshine so late in the day was so beautiful i decided i would walk her down to the corner. And when i got to the corner i was having such a nice time i continued around the whole block!

I'm real happy because i am feeling weak from a Winter of inactivity. It's getting hard to dress my lower-body, get off the couch, turn over in bed, etc. I've been walking about a week now and hope to make it a regular hobby. Apparently walking for multiple hours a day is a thing now, i've heard a man in my support group does it in a club and another man on a different site did it. Makes sense as a good activity while on disability benefits.

I'll keep my goals just small and realistic tho. Just once around the block a day until i feel stronger.

Hugs to all!

[bizi]

good going Jane@!!!!!! keep it up your pup will be happy with you!
((((HUGS))))
bizi

[Soupe du jour]

@whatever2013, do keep going with your benzo reductions, slowly. Believe me that if I had easy access to a US pharmacy that my psychiatrist wouldn't have taken me off mine this quickly. But maybe I will luck out and it will go smoothly. Plus buddah1too did rightly note that my starting dose on this journey was small. I am lucky about that. But if I do suffer in some way, I will find a doctor here quite quickly to prescribe a small amount. Luckily most generic benzos are inexpensive, even without not being insured quite yet.

I hope you and your doggie enjoy many more walks soon. You know it's so healthful for you both.

[Soupe du jour]

So far this morning there was chaos with both my coffee maker and morning pill box. I gave up on making coffee (Hubby cleaned up the mess) and had to totally redo six days of that pill box. Absolute confusion! Last night I initially gave Hubby his morning box instead of his evening one. Some days I wish someone would do all of that crap for me, for a change!

[Mountaindewed]

I took some cough syrup last night. Not a lot. Just to sleep though. My chest was kinda acting funny. Like my breathing maybe. I don’t know. But I kept taking these deep breaths and my stomach would move heavily. But I fell asleep and I slept through the night so I did not take my Geodon and go back to sleep. I took my Geodon when I got up at 7 and I am so tired right now. I’m lying down in bed and I’ll get up for a few minutes at a time. Then go back to lie down. I had a Mountain Dew, a cold brew coffee, and a Coke. And I’m still tired. I really think I’ll have to drop back to 60mil on the Geodon once I start working.

I tried taking a nap 15 minutes ago and I was so close to drifting off but I just couldn’t. I drank another 16oz Mountain Dew. Now I’m a bit woozy and the room is spinning a bit. I assume from so much caffeine. But my anxiety and moods are fine today.

[buddha1too]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

So far this morning there was chaos with both my coffee maker and morning pill box. I gave up on making coffee (Hubby cleaned up the mess) and had to totally redo six days of that pill box. Absolute confusion! Last night I initially gave Hubby his morning box instead of his evening one. Some days I wish someone would do all of that crap for me, for a change!

That's no way to start the day. I hope your day improved.

[MuddyBoots]

I've felt like total crap lately. Some of the time.

Possible trigger:

I self harmed and I'm really tempted by substances again

It's all because my therapist gave me some really stupid advice. I'm quitting. Not even telling her, just gonna stop showing up.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Moose72

It was 25 here this morning! Brrr....

Oh, 25 is just cruel. By "chilly" I meant 62 degrees

[*Beth*]

Hugs all around. Be safe, people. Please. Take GOOD care of yourselves.

So I had the first Moderna vaccine this morning! Everything went wonderfully well. The vaccine itself not only didn't hurt, I didn't even feel the needle. Not at all. She said Done! so quickly. Then I had to wait for fifteen minutes to make sure I felt okay, which I did. During the time I filled out a survey about my behaviors during the pandemic. For doing the survey I got a $10 gift card.

I came home and slept hard for four hours. (I'm not at all sure that the sleepiness was from the vax, though - I had a really lousy night of sleep last night.) At 2 p.m. I felt 1 cat nipping at my finger and another cat pawing me - I think they were checking to see if I was still alive, I really do

[bizi]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I took some cough syrup last night. Not a lot. Just to sleep though. My chest was kinda acting funny. Like my breathing maybe. I don’t know. But I kept taking these deep breaths and my stomach would move heavily. But I fell asleep and I slept through the night so I did not take my Geodon and go back to sleep. I took my Geodon when I got up at 7 and I am so tired right now. I’m lying down in bed and I’ll get up for a few minutes at a time. Then go back to lie down. I had a Mountain Dew, a cold brew coffee, and a Coke. And I’m still tired. I really think I’ll have to drop back to 60mil on the Geodon once I start working.

I tried taking a nap 15 minutes ago and I was so close to drifting off but I just couldn’t. I drank another 16oz Mountain Dew. Now I’m a bit woozy and the room is spinning a bit. I assume from so much caffeine. But my anxiety and moods are fine today.

you must be sensitive to geodone I too 80mg twice daily for yeranever had tiredness from my noon dose It stopped working for me. thus trying new meds. lamictal is my stand by. I take a smalldose of haldol 5mg, 1mg of klonipin to sleep and it is working fine.
I used to take just .5mg now take 1mg. and it is helping me sleep. I hope it does not putty out. good luck with your goals.
bizi

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by bizi

you must be sensitive to geodone I too 80mg twice daily for yeranever had tiredness from my noon dose It stopped working for me. thus trying new meds. lamictal is my stand by. I take a smalldose of haldol 5mg, 1mg of klonipin to sleep and it is working fine.
I used to take just .5mg now take 1mg. and it is helping me sleep. I hope it does not putty out. good luck with your goals.
bizi

It’s really just the tiredness I have trouble with. I don’t have any other side effects except I do get hungry but only sometimes and only if I don’t go back to sleep after taking it. It’s strange but it works well for my moods.

[gina_re]

Today wasn't a bad day. I was somewhat productive. Now I have a chapter to read before I go to bed tonight. I'm nervous about tomorrow tho, I won't be able to have any caffeine! How will I survive?!

[Moose72]

Getting the chip in my windshield fixed at the dealership where my daughter works tomorrow for free at 9 a.m.

Then at 10 my pdoc is doing a med check via phone.

I got a notice today from the apartment complex that there has been "a rash" of car thefts and break in and vandalism. Makes me worry. They've been stealing the cars and leaving them in other parking lots wherever. They dont know who's doing it yet.

[bizi]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Getting the chip in my windshield fixed at the dealership where my daughter works tomorrow for free at 9 a.m.

Then at 10 my pdoc is doing a med check via phone.

I got a notice today from the apartment complex that there has been "a rash" of car thefts and break in and vandalism. Makes me worry. They've been stealing the cars and leaving them in other parking lots wherever. They dont know who's doing it yet.

It is such a violation for them to do that.
please keep your car doors locked.
((((HUGS)))))
bizi

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by bizi

It is such a violation for them to do that.
please keep your car doors locked.
((((HUGS)))))
bizi

I always lock my car doors but I'm making doubly sure to do it now.

[Soupe du jour]

I've been getting so tired so early lately. Last night I went to bed at 8:15 pm. I'll look forward to DST in Europe, which is a week later than in the US. I guess 9:15 pm wouldn't have been THAT bad.

We got new side-by-side mattresses for our guest bedroom. I had been looking forward to them since the bed we were sleeping on was hurting my right shoulder and arm. Unlike the mattresses we ordered for what will be our bedroom, we didn't try out these ahead of time. Hubby ordered "medium" firmness, but I swear they are as hard as a cement slab, and we even added an extra cushion top, an underneath electric blanket, and a fitted mattress pad on top. It's even worse than the bed we were on before. I so look forward to our upcoming bed's mattress, but that one isn't due to arrive for another six to seven weeks. My back, shoulder, and arm hurt so much that I am now lying on the futon downstairs. At least this is comparitively comfortable! On the futon, the pain is barely noticeable.

I had a totally fun day enjoying the sunshine and going in ZOOM meetings.

@Soupe du jour: So sorry you're in pain and no comfy place to rest.

@BethRags: Grats on your vax! Glad it went so well!

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I finally did what I've been dreading doing and avoiding....I wrote a letter to my family member who died. I am sure I have more to add but I have to stop so I can sleep. As it is now it just made me cry a lot which I think is the point. That and dealing with the feelings. I hate dealing with feelings. But I needed to do this.

Grief is hard. I'm taking a grief class and I think that's one of the things I really have learned. It's so simple but so true.

So get this,
Remember a while back I worked an Amazon Fulfillment Center? Of course my circumstances changed (not to mention my horrible time there) and I left? I got an email today asking about documentation for my “leave of absence”. They technically still have be employed! The email provided is a general one and the number has no direct line. I called and asked specifically for my manager on the case who I never spoke to once from when I took my leave of absence…. In august of 2020…. And they told me they can’t transfer me but can make a note. I about went ballistic. I kept my cool to tell the person on the line I appreciate her doing her job to the best of her ability and it’s nothing against her but this is the exact reason why my mental health suffers – you have an immediate issue and no one who can do a damn thing on the line. I asked her to write in my file I have quit, thus my leave is now null and if I haven’t been terminated, do it.

I decided to go one step further. Luckily for me, all my issues I had are documented in a lengthy and very detailed memo to HR online. They never followed up with me but “closed” the issue, after I requested some update. In my limited speech letter – I explained I had outlined major issues in the past with co-workers, managers, the institutions inner workings, and the lack of support in-house for anything, in a previous case and gave it’s ID, and basically laid it out there. My mental health suffered under their policies and lack of understanding. I was unprofessional and assumed once my leave ended and I didn’t show up to work, it would be over – but that didn’t happen. Mainly, because whoever was over my leave never contacted me in the first place – which I made great strides to contact during that time. I just said, to hell with it, for my health I was moving on.

I apologized for not being professional, but I do no regret my decision. I did what I had to, for me. I made it clear my point wasn’t to re-hash the issue, but to show that it still deeply affects me today. I still harbor very negative and horrible feelings about my time there, the way I was treated, and the way I never could get anything done. I asked them to not reach out to me ever again, unless 100% necessary, and in the end, I no longer work there, it’s no longer a pressing issue for anyone – but hopefully my concerns could be taken for their value and maybe their could better their practices.

I did get a message saying I should formally resign through the website, but the local HR would contact me with an update on everything via email since I preferred that if contact had to be made, but they would respect my want to leave it in the past the best they could. Two hours later, there is an post on my case and it’s marked as “closed” but my account is now “disabled” so I can’t read it. I guess it’s over with and they got what they needed.

If I do or if I don’t get a message from them about any of it – it truly doesn’t matter. I said the truth. The only person with a problem is the man who doesn’t work for them. I am scorned and hurt and it affects me much more than I’d like to admit. I’m ill and I won’t deny that, but it’s not a scenario that has to exist as it does. As I said in my letter – disregard the following if you don’t see reason to deal with it – I’m just a nobody who is not even employed there anymore – but there are lasting consequences to being in scenarios like that. I know I’m not the only one who went through that hell. I implored them to talk with their managers and higher ups to better their processes, update their information, make sure everyone can be on the same page and stop blaming the new-comer for things they had no way of knowing. I still wish I had a chance to tell the man who tried to accuse me of not being “vigilant” about a schedule change (when my schedule was supposed to be static) without any written warning or advisement. That was a bunch of bull, and that wasn’t even the beginning.

Anyway, it’s over now. I have been terminated (officially, I mean… it’s been 6 months lol) and I don’t have to look back. I did get the chance to attach my “manager”—the one who personally attacked me with his ignorant and arrogant talk who I formally complained on. I wanted him to see exactly what I had to say about him in my HR complain prior, and my resignation and why I chose to leave. I had to give a reason for why I was giving him access to see it – and I was kind. I told him, I gave him access to both because the former was about him, and the latter mentioned the former. I know he meant well, but it affected me greatly, and I wish him well.

It’s over. I guess I can let go now. On some level, it’s closure.