[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

It was a beautiful sunny Winter day today and my dog and i had a lovely time sitting out in the sun surrounded by the sparkling snow.

I watched several episodes of "The Young and the Restless" today with pleasure. Sometimes it just irritates me but today i felt compassion and affection for the characters. They care so passionately about each other and want to work out problems with such urgency. They're so honest and direct with each other about their feelings. It's so different from how i was raised, it's really good for me to see a better way of life.

I realized i mistook concern for accusation in my earlier post today because of several bad experiences in my past and while that situation does happen sometimes, that's not what was going on in this instance. I realized that i feel very mixed-up about that part of my life and it's just best to accept that i feel sensitive and conflicted about it and not strive too hard to come to any conclusions.

It's Sunday, so that means it's Cut Day in my benzo taper so i'll be down to 17mg Valium tonight. Progress!

This is great progress with your Valium reductions.

Though I am not aware of the situation you referred to regarding misinterpreting concern for accusation, it is also an accomplishment that you worked out that distortion. It's OK to be sensitive, though. We mostly all are in one way or another.

[Soupe du jour]

I found some recommendations for doctors that speak English in addition to Czech. It's kind of important here to find the general practitioner first, so Hubby managed to get an appointment for both of us tomorrow morning. Hubby obviously speaks fluent Czech, but he liked the doctor when he talked to him, so decided for both of us to try him. Of course we are still not yet set up with insurance, so will have to pay 100%, but it shouldn't be that expensive. I have been pressing Hubby to work on the insurance stuff a bit, but he goes at his own...slow...pace. The more you push, the more he gets upset. Patience is my middle name since being with him for about 25 years. That word used to be foreign to me, before then. At least we could get the doctor to write a prescription. That's important.

Perhaps this new GP will have a psychiatrist recommendation. I also have one from my new therapist, and found a third one on an expat website. I don't think a psychiatrist will see me until a GP referral. That's why tomorrow is also important. On Thursday, I have a video appointment with my American long-time psychiatrist. At some point I will have to say goodbye to him. I also have a phone appointment with my American nephrologist on Friday. I think I will say goodbye to the nephrologist then. There's little he can do for me from afar. I'll keep my American psychiatrist for a bit longer. He can still help me more.

I suppose tomorrow I should bring all of my medication bottles with me, and Hubby's, to prove we take it all. It's almost embarrassing how many we have. Nine different medications for me, plus a PRN benzo (almost half are not psych). Four for hubby, plus three PRNs for various things.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

...
I suppose tomorrow I should bring all of my medication bottles with me, and Hubby's, to prove we take it all. It's almost embarrassing how many we have. Nine different medications for me, plus a PRN benzo (almost half are not psych). Four for hubby, plus three PRNs for various things.

I often have a sense of embarrassment about how many meds I take. Lately, I've been asking myself why that is. Stigma? That medication (whether psych or not) sends the message that I don't take care of myself (which is not true)? It's interesting, how we can feel embarrassed about the number of meds we take. Something to think about.

[Mountaindewed]

I am nervous about my appointment in 1.5 hours. I have no idea what she’ll want to talk about. I’ll probably just be very shy as usual when I’m meeting new people. She’ll probably think I am “very” autistic since I can come off that way sometimes. Mainly it’s just my anxiety though. I do not plan on telling her anything deep or even mildly deep. At least at the first session. With my old therapist we talked about sex (she brought it up first and then I thought “ok. It’s cool to talk about this stuff with her.”) and I told her the weird things I’m into and my OD’s and my transition. We talked about everything. I want to see what this one is like before deciding on how deep I want to go. I told my old T she could talk to her but not to tell her about any of the weird stuff. She said she wouldn’t and then went into a whole speech about “self acceptance.” I did dress nicely today even though she’ll only see my flannel hoodie and hat. Although I do kinda look like a lumberjack, I want to make a good first impression.

[MuddyBoots]

I'm worried that someone (pharmacist or my dad) crushed up oxycodone and put it in my lithium capsules. About half an hour after I take it I get sleepy, feel buzzedish, and get nauseous. Also we're almost out of wood so it's gonna be a cold March/April. Today's warm and rainy though. Tomorrow won't be. I'm twitching like crazy right now.

[buddha1too]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

I found some recommendations for doctors that speak English in addition to Czech.

It's crazy trying to communicate with docs when you don't have total command of a language; it gives you an appreciation of how nuanced languages are. Since it's been 30 years since the fall of communism, however, I'd be surprised if there are many Czech docs who haven't got a firm grasp of English. I hope you find someone you feel comfortable with.

[bizi]

I am in for a dry alcohol free march.
bizi

[Mountaindewed]

I saw the new therapist. I liked her. We are going to work on my anxiety, my move, and getting back to work. She said she can get me a lot of resources where I’m moving. And she can help me find a new primary that works with trans people. She also does in person sessions which is a huge thing for me. She said she’s excited to work with me in her office when I move. Old T didn’t call her though and new T said she’d really like to hear from her. So I have to sign some stuff and email them back to her. But yeah it went well today.

[Amethyst_Stargazer]

I'm doing a lot better today and feeling happier than I did the other day, so that's a plus!

[*Beth*]

Furious at my therapist because she's pulling one of her disappearing acts. Says she's sick, but this is a consistent...she is out for a week or 2 regularly every couple of months. And the clinic generously lets me know oh, 3 hours ahead of my appointment. Screws my entire day. I'm on the verge of telling her to go to hell.

[*Beth*]

I'm a wreck and a mess. I feel like my mother this afternoon, except I'm not abusing anybody (except myself). I did email my therapist and let her know how upsetting it is when she repeatedly cancels a few hours prior to my session. I really believe that she thinks because we have a strong bond that I'll "understand." Wake up, lady, I wouldn't tolerate this from a friend - let alone from a therapist.

Trying to practice breathing and calm myself down, nothing seems to help much and I have a headache now. Advil and rock and roll might be just the thing...
---------------

Ugh, i'm really spun out about this. Took a couple of Klonopins to try and calm myself - which makes me feel like a failure because I'm in the process of titrating down on K-pin, and because I'm not using "tools" well, the ones that are supposed to help me mellow out.

Dammit. I'm a failure today. It happens so easily. And it's not about BD, I don't think, it's about crappy highly dysfunctional environment childhood insanity.

----------------

I feel self-destructive, like doing something really rotten. Like getting drunk. Except I don't like alcohol. I'd SH, but that doesn't seem helpful. I'd like to give my T a hard smack across the face.

I did three (3) loads of laundry! I knew i would get to it. The weekends seem to be days i want to procrastinate but Monday rolls around and i get right on the horse. I always know it's Laundry Day when the only thing i have left to wear is my casual and pretty Christmas dress! That's like how in university i used to know it was my friends Laundry Day when he would wear his tuxedo shirt!

I used a new brand of laundry detergent and it smells heavenly but my dog hates it, she is frantically rolling around on our bed trying to destroy the scent and transfer her own smell to it! But i loves it! Clean clothes, clean clothes!!!

My first night at 17mg Valium went just okay but i feel fine today, not tired, so i'm still hopeful about it.

@BethRags: I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so uncomfortable right now. I *do* think it was very brave and wise of you to email your therapist. It's hard to tell people that their behavior is a problem for you but since it's a pattern i think it was best to take action. Try not to be too hard on yourself about the Clonazepam. Tapering is a long process as you know and one little slip is not gonna make much of a difference. I know what you mean about childhood trauma bothering you. When i'm upset i start off being angry at the current incident but it often ends up going further and further into past hurts. I hope you feel better soon. Remember: This too shall pass.

[Victoria'smom]

@BethRags: I'm sorry your not feeling well. Hopefully things calm down for you soon. Don't feel bad about taking medication that you need right now. Knowing when to take medication is success too.

[Mountaindewed]

I don’t feel good. Physically. mentally I am ok. No fever either. Just a very upset stomach. My head is spinning a bit too. Every time I blink I get a whoosing feeling in my head. I don’t want to go the ER because then I’d have to explain the multiple Xanax I’ve been taking all day thinking it was anxiety. I took a zofran. My gastro doctor says it can interfere with one of my meds. But they work good. I’m worried if I go the doctor for an accidental OD I’ll end up in the psych hospital anyways even if it turns out to be physical. and there is so much to do these next couple weeks I can’t afford to go to the hospital. Figuratively or literally. Money is so tight.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

@BethRags: I'm sorry your not feeling well. Hopefully things calm down for you soon. Don't feel bad about taking medication that you need right now. Knowing when to take medication is success too.

Thank you, Mm. It's very decent of you to point that out

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

I did three (3) loads of laundry! I knew i would get to it. The weekends seem to be days i want to procrastinate but Monday rolls around and i get right on the horse. I always know it's Laundry Day when the only thing i have left to wear is my casual and pretty Christmas dress! That's like how in university i used to know it was my friends Laundry Day when he would wear his tuxedo shirt!

I used a new brand of laundry detergent and it smells heavenly but my dog hates it, she is frantically rolling around on our bed trying to destroy the scent and transfer her own smell to it! But i loves it! Clean clothes, clean clothes!!!

My first night at 17mg Valium went just okay but i feel fine today, not tired, so i'm still hopeful about it.

@BethRags: I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so uncomfortable right now. I *do* think it was very brave and wise of you to email your therapist. It's hard to tell people that their behavior is a problem for you but since it's a pattern i think it was best to take action. Try not to be too hard on yourself about the Clonazepam. Tapering is a long process as you know and one little slip is not gonna make much of a difference. I know what you mean about childhood trauma bothering you. When i'm upset i start off being angry at the current incident but it often ends up going further and further into past hurts. I hope you feel better soon. Remember: This too shall pass.

That's funny, about your Christmas dress It's all I can manage to do 1 load of laundry nowadays. I sometimes think back to the days when I was raising a family, dragging 8 loads of laundry to the laundromat. HOW did I do it?! Guess I was young and had energy!

Thank you very much for your kindness. Honestly, the Klonopin has helped me calm down and think more clearly. It's too darn bad that benzos present so many problems, because they sure can be helpful.

[MuddyBoots]

Out of power. -26F windchill. Sucks, but this is not unusual so we know how to deal.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by Sapien

Out of power. -26F windchill. Sucks, but this is not unusual so we know how to deal.

Oh my, Sapien! I hope you have a bunch of warm blankets. Do you have a gas stove top? One great advantage of them is that they light manually, even without electricity...if one still has gas.

[Soupe du jour]

Our doorbell seems to ring at least two or three times per day because of frequent deliveries. Yesterday when it rang, Hubby went out and quickly came back telling me the foreign police were here. I went out and enthusiastically said "Good day! I'm XX." Apparently they sometimes come to see if foreigners seeking residency are actually living where they say they are. They also check to see that any marriage to a Czech is legit. Anyway, I had to run in and get my passport. I had already gone to the foreign police downtown for a stamp, then to the Ministry of Interior for a most formal-looking temporary visa (with photo) on one of my passport pages. They asked various questions, then it got chit chatty. The duo were not that typical-looking for police. The guy was short and looked like Jerry Garcia of the Grateful Dead. He was wearing a t-shirt that read "Detroit", and yet he had handcuffs. In any case, they left. I assume I'm safe.

We went to the new GP this morning. Another character. He didn't examine us. Just asked a few questions. I told him about waking up daily, for weeks, with tingling and/or numb hands or feet. He, like the others, said it wasn't because of my blood pressure medications. Then he said he'd give me something, but if it didn't work, he'd refer me to a neurologist. That word (neurologist) made me start to sweat profusely. Anyway, the "medication" he gave me was basically just high dose vitamin A. We'll see. If it works like a placebo, I'll be happy. And yet he said "You know, you want to take the fewest number of medications possible!" As if I didn't want that, too. I googled "Vitamin A for tingling numb hands feet" and what came up were deficiencies in other vitamins (mostly B), but not A. Well, if nothing else, maybe my eye health will improve?

The GP recommended a psychiatrist just across the street in a psychiatric clinic, that I had read about previously. Hubby had called her and she said to call back in mid March, after she gets a surgery. I think I might try her. That location is super convenient to our house. Just 8 minutes away by car. I'd be confident driving that alone. If that psychiatrist knows a therapist in that building (if there is) that speaks English, I might switch because of the distance.

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

Oh my, Sapien! I hope you have a bunch of warm blankets. Do you have a gas stove top? One great advantage of them is that they light manually, even without electricity...if one still has gas.

No gas stove but we do have a wood stove. We have very little wood left though, but the winds are 50mph gusts and we have lots of trees around so it should be easy pickings.