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Default Jan 24, 2021 at 06:30 AM
  #1
5, 4, 3, 2, 1....Go!

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Default Jan 24, 2021 at 10:01 AM
  #2
With this virus and staying home, my days merge into each other. I feel that my life revolves around chores, inner work and taking care of my family. I badly need some fun, adventure and variety. I’m moving along rudderless and there’s nowhere to go right now. It’s cloudy here today so that could be the SAD talking but I am tired of the virus. I won’t take things for granted again.

I’ve bent over backwards trying to get the vaccine for my mom. It’s difficult in my area and all appointments fill quickly. I’ll keep trying.

Warm regards and hugs to all.
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Default Jan 24, 2021 at 11:00 AM
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Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 View Post
With this virus and staying home, my days merge into each other. I feel that my life revolves around chores, inner work and taking care of my family. I badly need some fun, adventure and variety. I’m moving along rudderless and there’s nowhere to go right now. It’s cloudy here today so that could be the SAD talking but I am tired of the virus. I won’t take things for granted again.

I’ve bent over backwards trying to get the vaccine for my mom. It’s difficult in my area and all appointments fill quickly. I’ll keep trying.

Warm regards and hugs to all.

I could have written the first paragraph of your post. I hope you can get an appointment for your mom very soon.

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Default Jan 24, 2021 at 11:16 AM
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So far I’m doing pretty good. I had an iced latte too and my anxiety is fine. I think not sleeping much and taking my Geodon at 1AM was kinda messing with me. Today I’m not doing too much. I have to move these bookcases down the stairs and somewhere. Don’t know where my mom wants them. The carpet people get here at 8AM tomorrow. I plan on taking a shower at about 6:30AM, maybe getting coffee, and then just reading all day. We are planning on getting a pizza since we won’t be able to cook. I can’t remember the last time I had pizza. My move is coming along but I feel like it’s happening too fast and it’s kinda making me nervous.

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Red face Jan 24, 2021 at 11:28 AM
  #5
I am sorry you are nervous.
you can do this, make it happen. I have faith in you.
bizi

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Default Jan 24, 2021 at 01:25 PM
  #6
My dear friend is currently in the hospital and had a catheterization done to check for any cardiac damage she might have had, if she'd had a heart attack. Turns out that no, she hasn't had a heart attack. What she does have is liver damage due to sitting up alone every night and drinking.


I'm angry. I should be compassionate, but I don't feel as much compassion as I do annoyance. For many years C. has told me that she has health problems...high blood pressure, "some kind of heart problem", she often doesn't feel well, is frequently anxious and depressed. I have encouraged her repeatedly to go to the doctor more often, get on an AD, get into therapy. She hedges and avoids, tells me she's terrified to go to the doctor. I've worried about her so much.


Now I find out that she has liver damage from being an alcoholic. I feel betrayed and like a fool. All this time she's been lying to me. I've wondered why she calls me late at night (I never answer at that time); well, now I know - she's drunk. She leaves long, rambling messages crying that she misses me, and so on.

I feel foolish and used.

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Default Jan 24, 2021 at 01:31 PM
  #7
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My dear friend is currently in the hospital and had a catheterization done to check for any cardiac damage she might have had, if she'd had a heart attack. Turns out that no, she hasn't had a heart attack. What she does have is liver damage due to sitting up alone every night and drinking.


I'm angry. I should be compassionate, but I don't feel as much compassion as I do annoyance. For many years C. has told me that she has health problems...high blood pressure, "some kind of heart problem", she often doesn't feel well, is frequently anxious and depressed. I have encouraged her repeatedly to go to the doctor more often, get on an AD, get into therapy. She hedges and avoids, tells me she's terrified to go to the doctor. I've worried about her so much.


Now I find out that she has liver damage from being an alcoholic. I feel betrayed and like a fool. All this time she's been lying to me. I've wondered why she calls me late at night (I never answer at that time); well, now I know - she's drunk. She leaves long, rambling messages crying that she misses me, and so on.

I feel foolish and used.
Big hugs. That is a horrible feeling. And I don't blame you a bit for the frustration. I would feel exactly as you are describing about all of it.

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Default Jan 24, 2021 at 01:42 PM
  #8
I am out of sorts today. I can’t get out of my head. Had another SH dream. Not as violent as the one I had a few weeks ago. I made a half hearted attempt at cleaning the kitchen. I de cluttered it and wiped down the counters and table and that was about it. I had a huge breakfast so I’m likely not going to be hungry until we’ll into there evening. That’s kind of what my days off are like, two large meals instead of three small ones.

I really need to go shopping but it’s just so cold....I don’t want to go back out there. The winter doldrums are setting in for me. It’s around this time that I just can’t deal with it anymore and start to feel hopeless looking forward at the fact that there’s at least two months of this ******** stretching out in front of me. The NJ flower show used to be in mid February and would rejuvenate me with its beautiful displays and smells of spring, but last year they moved it to may even before the shutdown. This year the Philadelphia one isn’t happening. I’ve got nothing.

Sigh. I guess I just have to focus on the house. I am going to send a formal letter to my landlord once we are officially out detailing the original lease. It said that they were required to present a new lease unless they had good cause not to and if they didn’t then it would be assumed to be month to month. I’m going to gently tell him to **** off about the last two months of rent. I calculated the possible damages we may be charged for. It will likely be above the amount of our security deposit but I don’t mind paying that as long as we don’t have to pay 2 months rent on top of that.

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Unhappy Jan 24, 2021 at 02:31 PM
  #9
Bethrags,
is she a suicide risk, it sounds like she was reaching out to you for support.
I am sorry you feel this way. Alcoholism is a disease. She can't be in denial anymore with this newly found liver damage report.. Only she can quit. she will need more support if this is to happen. Has she talked about getting help like AA? or inpatient rehab? have you mentioned it to her? sorry, I drink too much and am looking at 3 weeks Alcohol free...to lose weight.

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Default Jan 24, 2021 at 03:49 PM
  #10
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Originally Posted by Innerzone View Post
Big hugs. That is a horrible feeling. And I don't blame you a bit for the frustration. I would feel exactly as you are describing about all of it.

Thank you for the support, Innerzone. It means a lot to me. I guess in a word, I'm hurt. And I think of all the times I was horribly depressed and anxious, but never said a word to my friend about how I was feeling because I was listening to her, and to her pain. I certainly can't blame her for that; I'm just...confused.

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Default Jan 24, 2021 at 03:57 PM
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Bethrags,
is she a suicide risk, it sounds like she was reaching out to you for support.
I am sorry you feel this way. Alcoholism is a disease. She can't be in denial anymore with this newly found liver damage report.. Only she can quit. she will need more support if this is to happen. Has she talked about getting help like AA? or inpatient rehab? have you mentioned it to her? sorry, I drink too much and am looking at 3 weeks Alcohol free...to lose weight.

bizi

Thank you, bizi. She's never mentioned suicide, just seems to go over and over the same life issues, without any plan for resolution. She has a kind heart. I've always listened to her without any judgment, just love. And I guess that's why I feel kinda screwed over.

She's still in hospital and I'm just not ready to talk with her yet. Her daughter is working with the doctors to get C. into some kind of program. I really hope that once she meets other people who share her illness she feels more connected to herself and her own life path.

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Heart Jan 24, 2021 at 05:37 PM
  #12
thank you for the update
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Default Jan 24, 2021 at 06:34 PM
  #13
bizi - I want to ask you...do you know where the pilot movie for Lost is? I have Amazon Prime and all the shows are there, but not the pilot.

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Default Jan 24, 2021 at 06:37 PM
  #14
Taking space for the rest of the night. "Taking space" sounds a lot healthier than "isolating" though, really, what's the difference besides what sounds you make when saying them. But yeah, everyone is pissing me off. Even my cousin who is the greatest person pissed me off because she'd rather eat than eat the coookies I made. But alone I feel great! I'm singing with loud music and dancing and it's just an overall good time. Much better than this morning. I think tomorrow I'm going to pick up some melatonin. I tried to yesterday but I couldn't find it within 5 seconds so I got angry and left. And CVS is being a pima because they won't sell me temazepam despite having a prescription and my pnurse isn't helping me out any. I still have some because I don't take it every night (just the nights I feel like sleeping is important, like if I go three days with just a couple short naps, yeah, I'll take it. I mean this morning I thought I was entering an episode because everywhere left and right I was angry. Like I got pissed because my cats and my mom were napping. Like my cats. They're awake 4 hours a day. I'm asleep 4 hours a day at most without taking double what I'm supposed to of benzos. wtf? That doesn't seem fair for either party. If I were God I'd run things MUCH better). But basically, thinking about ditching psychotherapy for more mountain therapy this week. Favorite ski area opened one of my favorite ever trails. Hardscrabble. Such good memories. I'm still sore, bruised and swollen from my fall on Avalanche last week though, so we'll see. If we get more snow maybe I'll go XC skiing or snowshoeing. Maybe I'll and go ice climbing. There's gotta be some options ready. I need gear. Only ice climbing I've ever done was in hillsounds, and it wasn't really climbing, and it wasn't blue ice.

I'm going for a run. It's dark, but I have a headlamp so I should be good.

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Default Jan 24, 2021 at 06:54 PM
  #15
I’ve been laying in bed for most of the day. From 1-4 I wrapped up in blankets and just listened to music. I got up to eat some leftovers and then decided to watch a few episodes of a sitcom to lighten my mood. Dragged myself to the shower so I look presentable for work tomorrow. Now I’m back to bed.

I’m very depressed, but it’s personal, not bipolar related. If I don’t do what I need to do it will likely devolve into an episode. I just really, really, really don’t want to do what I need to do. I want to pull the covers over my eyes and forget about it. But I guess that doesn’t work for trauma, now does it?

I’ll be down during the drive to work tomorrow but since I enjoy my job it’ll serve as a good distraction. Unfortunately my old student will be in class and he has the tendency to word vomit until someone cuts him off and then he resorts to his usual repertoire of curses and wild threats. I’m so thankful they moved me from him. At first I felt sorry for him but he’s proved that he is far from the damaged boy I related to. He’s definitely disturbed but it is more towards the end of a sociopath. He sees absolutely nothing wrong with his behavior. It’s everyone else’s fault. We make him act this way. It’s hard to help someone who doesn’t think anything is wrong.

My girl now is a spitfire for sure but she’s also incredibly funny and sweet when she wants to be. We have a good rapport. She listens to me reluctantly when I tell her she needs to fix her work or needs to stop being rude to the teacher or her classmates. Takes a couple of tries and I imagine she’s rolling her eyes at home but hey, definitely not the worst I’ve dealt with.

I really want to cancel my therapy session because she’ll know something is wrong and I don’t want to talk about it. But it’s just getting worse so I have to say something eventually.

Tired of playing mental health whack a mole, really I am.

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Default Jan 24, 2021 at 06:59 PM
  #16
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Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 View Post
....

Tired of playing mental health whack a mole, really I am.

I hear you.

I hope tomorrow goes well.

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Red face Jan 24, 2021 at 07:00 PM
  #17
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bizi - I want to ask you...do you know where the pilot movie for Lost is? I have Amazon Prime and all the shows are there, but not the pilot.
I am sorry it is episode 1, it is 2 hours long.I should not have called it the pilot. sorry
enjoy
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Default Jan 25, 2021 at 12:03 AM
  #18
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Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 View Post
With this virus and staying home, my days merge into each other. I feel that my life revolves around chores, inner work and taking care of my family. I badly need some fun, adventure and variety. I’m moving along rudderless and there’s nowhere to go right now. It’s cloudy here today so that could be the SAD talking but I am tired of the virus. I won’t take things for granted again.

I’ve bent over backwards trying to get the vaccine for my mom. It’s difficult in my area and all appointments fill quickly. I’ll keep trying.

Warm regards and hugs to all.
I'm sorry your struggling but I so understand how your feeling

Today I was convinced it was Saturday, until I looked at my phone

I cant wait to hear of your floating in the pool each day

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Default Jan 25, 2021 at 12:06 AM
  #19
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Originally Posted by BethRags View Post
My dear friend is currently in the hospital and had a catheterization done to check for any cardiac damage she might have had, if she'd had a heart attack. Turns out that no, she hasn't had a heart attack. What she does have is liver damage due to sitting up alone every night and drinking.


I'm angry. I should be compassionate, but I don't feel as much compassion as I do annoyance. For many years C. has told me that she has health problems...high blood pressure, "some kind of heart problem", she often doesn't feel well, is frequently anxious and depressed. I have encouraged her repeatedly to go to the doctor more often, get on an AD, get into therapy. She hedges and avoids, tells me she's terrified to go to the doctor. I've worried about her so much.


Now I find out that she has liver damage from being an alcoholic. I feel betrayed and like a fool. All this time she's been lying to me. I've wondered why she calls me late at night (I never answer at that time); well, now I know - she's drunk. She leaves long, rambling messages crying that she misses me, and so on.

I feel foolish and used.
I can understand being upset over all this. I would feel the same. I cant think of any words to help but I'm sending you lots of hugs

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Default Jan 25, 2021 at 12:27 AM
  #20
Sorry I haven't been around I'm hype focused on this art program Miguel bought me. I'm not really sleeping and irritable. I don't feel high or low. My new T can't see me until mid-march. I don't see pdoc until march either. I'm not taking my fluoxetine so the only med I'm on is the abilify. Pdoc's going to be upset but I just can't Plus I don't need it right now. I'm trying to keep myself busy from the time I wake up to when everyone goes to sleep and then I get up when the sun comes up. I've accepted there will always be a part of me that wants to SH. That will always be my first response to everything but as long as I don't do it it's fine. It's just annoying. I may ask my husband to take my prn to sleep more tonight.

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