I called in to my support group for a half-hour of peer-to-peer telephone support. The woman i got told me about a horrifying experience that had happened to her. She just said it in one sentence of nine words but i found it so horrifying that i can't get it out of my head. At least i was able to talk to her about it, ask about circumstances and outcomes and didn't freeze up like usual. I was supportive. I'm just astonished that someone could live thru something so horrifying and still walk and talk and work and function.

I feel tremendous compassion for the woman but i am a little upset that she laid something so heavy on me. My heart has been feeling heavy ever since and there's things to be joyful about today. I'm not too sure what the parameters of "peer support" are but it's clearly not just a supportive chit-chat about current events. I "saw" the woman later in the ZOOM Drop-In and she was friendly but i feel weird about her now that i know she told me she survived this incredibly intimate horrifying experience.

Am i way off-base here? I don't know what to feel.

[lightly toasted]

Flooded, might be the word you're looking for. I know that's how I feel in these situations.

Often it has felt like an assault in a way, when I'm just minding my own business, looking for a bit of chit chat and a stranger of sorts dumps on me like that. I'm not a professional, I have a mental illness, and trauma of my own, I can't cope with s*** like that. I will bear up and give my best when it's a loved one, but I do not have the bandwidth to deal with strangers or people I do not know well treating me like I'm their therapist or primary support person. This is one of the many reasons I stopped using peer support sort of things. If it's not run by a professionals and there is not a qualified facilitator (not just another consumer) present, I steer clear.

What I've done when I've encountered this is take a step back from the groups or one-on-one stuff for a week or more, and just focused my energies on stuff that is fun and recreational or productive for myself only.

Hugs to you Whatever, that's a rough day you've had.

[lightly toasted]

I should add I meant no criticism of the woman who shared that with you, I'm sure she had no intention of causing harm. She probably just felt safe with you, and shared without thinking.

I've no doubt that I've over-shared in situations like that -my filters and judgement can be way off when I'm ill. And I've probably, in hindsight left a few people emotionally and mentally reeling in my time

I'm grateful for the trigger warning and hide text features on this forum, and the ability to delete my posts, that's for sure.

@lightly toasted: Thanks for your forthright replies, using strong words i was too shy to use. I think this woman, having just met me, when i'm "up" and cheerful and joyful at the moment just assumed i'm a lot stronger than i really am. She hasn't seen me in the Winter when all i can say is "meh."

But we should never assume that people aren't suffering and that it's okay to dump.

It sounds like you have some loved-ones so you have some options re confidences but i don't have any family and i don't get along with professionals so peer-support is really my only option. Out of six calls this has been the only problematic one, so that's a decent record. I think if it happens again i will just say, "That's way too heavy." I did this once when a guy i just met asked me if i believed in God and it worked out well.

Still, i feel a weight on my chest.

[*Beth*]

The program is a mental health support situation?

@BethRags: Yes, it's a mental health support situation. One half-hour of peer support per day over the phone is one of the services my support group offers. Do i remember you saying you're involved in peer support? Or was that leadership of a support group? I can't remember. Anyways, does this sound like how typical peer support works as far as you know?

[*Beth*]

Yes, before covid I facilitated a NAMI Connection (peer support) group. I'd done that for a couple of years. I really miss it. Anyway, it's unusual for someone to open up so early on about a traumatic experience - unless it just happened. As in "I was mugged last night and I'm feeling really traumatized today." But for older traumas people generally keep those hidden until they feel very, very comfortable and safe in the environment. There are exceptions, though. Some people who have grown up with poor boundaries tend to open up "too fast". This has been my experience, anyway.

At any rate, I agree with lightly toasted...you felt flooded by the person's disclosure, because the person dumped their trauma onto you with (it sounds like) no warning. The truth is, though, when you're dealing with people's mental health you can expect anything. I mean anything.

[Soupe du jour]

I think that not everyone deals with trauma (or even "scary situations") the same. Out curiosity, whatever2013, what was her delivery like of that past situation? Surprisingly calm and/or casual? Upset and/or nervous? Other? It's kind of a shame you didn't see each other. Facial expressions and body language is important for support and therapeutic purposes. Frankly, I think that even video sessions are limiting. My psychiatrist often said that he learned a great deal about patients' current state of mind by even their walks down his hallway, from the waiting room to his office.

I know that I have shared scary (or to some, possibly traumatic) situations with a couple past therapists that shocked them how casual I was when telling the stories. What that said about me, I am not completely sure.

@Soupe du jour: She was totally casual in her delivery of the shocking experience, just blurting it out like a grocery list. Maybe it happened so many years ago and she's disclosed it so many times it's just casual conversation for her at this point. She's 50 and it happened when she had small children so it could have been 30 years and myriad discussions ago. I agree that phone communication is limited. In my Mass Communications degree we learned that 90% of communication is non-verbal.

[*Beth*]

Well, I'm guessing that either she has become desensitized to the event by now (processed it), or the opposite - that it's still haunting her.

[lightly toasted]

I hope this is okay, but I'd like to add my own 'not sure what I was feeling' story.

A few weeks ago I was attending a zoom support group, and one of the women got completely undressed in full few of the camera.

At first I wasn't sure what was happening, but when anyone is moving around my eye is naturally drawn to the zoom box. Unfortunately when I backed up to the previous page of zoom boxes, there she was again! The host was new to hosting and didn't know how to turn of the woman's camera, and it all went on far too long. I have no idea if the woman was an exhibitionist or if she simply forgot her camera was on. But I had to leave and I haven't been able to go back.

The group itself was not important to me, so it's no great loss to not go back. but I felt really uncomfortable. The woman was older, but not a lot older. I think it reminded me of when I was a child and adults would undress in front of me as though I was a cat or a dog, or a piece of furniture - I always hated that and it did feel like my boundaries were crossed.

I'm a 50 years old, but this woman getting naked, quite suddenly and uninvited...well I felt assaulted in a strange way. It's difficult to explain. There were several other women in the meeting, but they're not in the room with me, it's all on zoom, so it did feel as this woman had entered my living room and stripped down. I think it would be less of an affront if I was in a public place with others present. But I was shaken and agitated from the event for several hours afterwards. I was fine by the next day, but when I think about it, I feel a bit sick to my stomach.

Not sure if anyone else has experienced something like that, but if you have, you're not alone.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by lightly toasted

I hope this is okay, but I'd like to add my own 'not sure what I was feeling' story.

A few weeks ago I was attending a zoom support group, and one of the women got completely undressed in full few of the camera.

At first I wasn't sure what was happening, but when anyone is moving around my eye is naturally drawn to the zoom box. Unfortunately when I backed up to the previous page of zoom boxes, there she was again! The host was new to hosting and didn't know how to turn of the woman's camera, and it all went on far too long. I have no idea if the woman was an exhibitionist or if she simply forgot her camera was on. But I had to leave and I haven't been able to go back.

The group itself was not important to me, so it's no great loss to not go back. but I felt really uncomfortable. The woman was older, but not a lot older. I think it reminded me of when I was a child and adults would undress in front of me as though I was a cat or a dog, or a piece of furniture - I always hated that and it did feel like my boundaries were crossed.

I'm a 50 years old, but this woman getting naked, quite suddenly and uninvited...well I felt assaulted in a strange way. It's difficult to explain. There were several other women in the meeting, but they're not in the room with me, it's all on zoom, so it did feel as this woman had entered my living room and stripped down. I think it would be less of an affront if I was in a public place with others present. But I was shaken and agitated from the event for several hours afterwards. I was fine by the next day, but when I think about it, I feel a bit sick to my stomach.

Not sure if anyone else has experienced something like that, but if you have, you're not alone.

I strongly doubt that she forgot her camera was on. Whatever her trip is, fine...but not fair to play exhibitionist to a support group, or any group besides one where all adults agree to sexual behavior. Not cool, at all. I'm sorry you were traumatized by that shock.

[lightly toasted]

Thanks, Beth. Like was mentioned, we are better at communicating in person, and much is lost via the internet or telephone. Can you imagine if someone just got naked in a face to face meeting? "Put it away, Martha! "

I'm sorry if this is high-jacking your thread, Whatever. I've been conditioned by a previous forum that if a topic already exists it's poor etiquette to start a new thread, and it was encouraged to add to an existing thread. I didn't think my topic was worth a new thread, and to me it related to your situation. No derailing intended.

@lightly toasted: Thanks for sharing your story and no worries about hijacking my thread, i see the relevance. There's a woman in my group who dresses inappropriately so i kind of know where you're coming from, tho of course she does not strip naked. I would have been speechless too. I know what you mean about the upset passing the day after, as mine has, mostly, tho like you i feel sick to my stomach when i recall the event. I guess with new technology comes new misbehaviors. There aren't the inhibitions like in a live event. ZOOM and telephone support have expanded the COVID world, but it comes at a cost.

Now that some time has passed i'm mostly glad that that woman confided in me. It was a shocker but i feel it somehow enriched me as a person to have shared it with her. It stirred up a lot of feelings but it's good for me to feel compassion and to be even marginally supportive which i have such a hard time with. I've felt numb all Winter so it's almost a relief to have feelings, even if it's just negative confusion. I just feel it expanded my horizons.

To be clear, this was a peer-support phone call in which it was just the woman and me. It was not a support group. I agree, in group settings, you pay your money and you take your chance. I'm ready for anything in a group. But this time it was *me* that was calling in for peer-support. I didn't feel what the woman said was appropriate to the setting. She's staff and i'm a client and i didn't feel it was right for her to be so visceral. Note that i did my best to support her nonetheless, even tho i felt the situation was a bit backward and that my own needs were not being addressed and that the purpose of the call had become reversed. I felt supporting her was the humane thing to do.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

To be clear, this was a peer-support phone call in which it was just the woman and me. It was not a support group. I agree, in group settings, you pay your money and you take your chance. I'm ready for anything in a group. But this time it was *me* that was calling in for peer-support. I didn't feel what the woman said was appropriate to the setting. She's staff and i'm a client and i didn't feel it was right for her to be so visceral. Note that i did my best to support her nonetheless, even tho i felt the situation was a bit backward and that my own needs were not being addressed and that the purpose of the call had become reversed. I felt supporting her was the humane thing to do.

You did more than many people would.