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#1
There are stages of grief that people must go through when they lose a loved one.
We bargain. We deny. We become angry. We become sad. Some choose to finally accept it. When I was first diagnosed I denied it 100%. I knew there was a more justifiable reason for my behavior. After all that weed I chose to smoke had to have been laced with something. It pushed me into strong psychosis that I had not been in. So it was the weed, not BD. Then I hit depression. I fell into this hole that I never thought I would climb out of. I lost all of my motivation, energy, ambitions, and happiness. It was like joy went on a permanent vacation and I was left with nothing but sadness. Then I became angry. Why me??!! Why did I have to get this. I mean 1 in 10 children get it from a parent. Why was I so lucky? My life will never be the same. I’m going to lose my job, my retirement, my livelihood. God could you please take this away from me? I lost my husband’s trust and affection. I lost my happiness, I lost me. I will never be the same. The old me is gone. It’s dead. Acceptance. I’m finally over my depression. I actually feel normal. My sleep has returned and I’m looking at my life through a new set of lenses. I will never be the same, but that’s ok. I accept this illness. I’m not so sure whether it should be considered a gift or a curse. It is what it is and I plan on making the best of my life moving forward. I hope anyone that has BPD can one day move past all of the obstacles that seem impossible and discover that life can be so good despite the diagnosis. Last edited by NaoSky; Mar 03, 2021 at 06:12 PM.. |
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Atypical_Disaster, BipolaRNurse, Breaking Dawn, Soupe du jour, TunedOut, wolftrap
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catches the flowers
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#2
Hi NaoSky, By "BPD" do you mean bipolar disorder (or borderline personality disorder)?
It took me decades to accept that I have BD. About 4 months ago I finally came to peace with it - although there are a few times, now and then, when I have a shade of doubt. For the most part, however, I am finally in the acceptance stage. You have a terrific attitude and perspective. I've kind of stopped asking myself about the "blessing or curse" aspect of having BD. Sometimes it's something of a blessing...sometimes it's something of a curse. __________________ |
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Anonymous41462, Breaking Dawn, Soupe du jour
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#3
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I can’t imagine going decades trying to accept this. I’m so happy that you are there too. I’m decades old... I don’t have time to be stuck in the other stages of grief over this. I’m going to enjoy every moment while my mental state is stable! |
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*Beth*, Anonymous41462, Breaking Dawn, Soupe du jour
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catches the flowers
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#4
Good for you! Maybe write some of your thoughts down somewhere and tuck what you write away? Then if/when another episode comes along, you'll have what you wrote down to reference.
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Breaking Dawn, Soupe du jour
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NaoSky, wolftrap
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#5
Well said Naosky. I accepted my diagnosis immediately, I was so desperate for someone to help me get relief.
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Anonymous32451, Breaking Dawn, NaoSky, Soupe du jour
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#6
I go back and forth.
__________________ Dx: Me- SzA Husband- Bipolar 1 Daughter- mood disorder+ Comfortable broken and happy "So I don't know why I'm tongue tied At the wrong time when I need this."- P!nk My blog |
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Breaking Dawn, NaoSky, Soupe du jour
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#7
I go back and forth as well.
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Breaking Dawn, NaoSky
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#8
acceptance wasn't really the issue for me. I knew something was wrong, and, quite frankly, I was sick of being labeled stupid, or weird, or difficult
for me, being diagnosed with it explained a lot of my behaviour both now, and also as a child- and that I wasn't weird, or odd, or diffrent, it had a name and their were people in the same boat as me dealing with the same thing. I think the hardest part for me was learning to live with the various mood changes, and dealing with the fact it was having a real impact on daily life and that my support system at the time was basically none existent. over the years, their have been other diagnoses which I am at varying stages of acceptance. fibro, for example. I go back and fourth on that one, and on bad days wonder how someone as young as me can suffer so much. |
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Anonymous41462, Breaking Dawn, NaoSky
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#9
I definitely went through the various stages of grief before accepting I had a mental illness that would recur. What was also hard was grieving the loss of people I loved/liked and my career, as it was. In the end, I refused to become resigned to the situations, but to morph them into new things to appreciate. That's a strength I had in my youth, lost briefly, but realized again.
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Anonymous41462, Breaking Dawn, NaoSky
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#10
This is a cool concept, I never really thought of applying the stages of grief to having a mental illness, but it fits very well.
I spend a lot of time in denial: "I only acted like this because of x, y, and z, not because I have bipolar disorder," and "it can't be BP because the doctor that first diagnosed me was stupid and all the others that diagnosed me after were just going based off of incorrect and biased history." Right now I'm at acceptance. __________________ Live life for nothing but that sweet sweet melody. |
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Anonymous41462, Breaking Dawn
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#11
I never doubted that I had a mental illness, and I never doubted that I have BD2. What I doubted (and still wonder about, at times) was the dx of BD1. My pdoc is firm on it, but it's difficult for me to be objective.
The stages of grief...yeah, for sure...they can apply to so many types of loss. __________________ |
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Anonymous41462, Breaking Dawn, NaoSky
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#12
For me, it's like I can't really remember the extremes of my episodes once they're over. I could be severely depressed for a long time, and then at some point it lifts, and within a few days I start to think "there's no way I really felt like that" and I start to doubt that I really need meds and treatment. Same with mania. Then when another episode hits it's suddenly real again. It's weird. That's one of the reasons why I go back and forth with acceptance, because it's just so unreal in a way.
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AliceKate, BipolaRNurse
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#13
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Anonymous41462
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#14
Yeah, same here. I think this is a common experience for bipolar people. I don't refuse meds, although I do of course try to keep them to a minimum. But the uncertainty definitely causes a lot of anxiety at times.
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#15
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Then I hit depression. I fell into this hole that I never thought I would climb out of. I lost all of my motivation, energy, ambitions, and happiness. It was like joy went on a permanent vacation and I was left with nothing but sadness. Then I became angry. Why me??!! Why did I have to get this. I mean 1 in 10 children get it from a parent. Why was I so lucky? My life will never be the same. I’m going to lose my job, my retirement, my livelihood. Quote:
The "I lost me" is so familiar, I lost myself too... I didn't see just how much so until a couple of years ago and even then I was operating under the assumption that I had schizophrenia without any mood component so I felt like everyone gave up on me because anti psychotics never did much for me. (And still don't, I haven't slept worth a damn in almost two weeks and that's on a hefty dosage of Zyprexa and all the other crap I take too. It just isn't working out for me and it's hard to not lose it yelling at the entire world.} Quote:
I hope you continue to do better, I know how much inner strength it takes to accept something this life-altering and I think you're very brave for facing it like this. Much love and support. |
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Anonymous41462, NaoSky
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#16
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That's very common with both BD and depression. It's like having the flu...hard to believe you were really that sick. __________________ |
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#17
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Anonymous41462
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#18
@Atypical_Disaster Thank you so much fir your post. I plan on responding to so much you had to say. I currently have a toddler on my lap wanting to play, but I will definitely get back with you!! Much love and support to you too!! ❤️
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Anonymous41462, Atypical_Disaster
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Atypical_Disaster
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#19
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#20
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