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Default Mar 19, 2021 at 04:46 PM
  #21
I picked up N3's girlfriend and N3 today to drive them home. We had a conversation about Disney World and N3 said "S can come..." I said "There aren't any more beds available and the golf carts will only hold six each.." Well I think I upset S because she was very quiet the rest of the time. She can get quiet though, yet sometimes she is very talkative so I don't know what to think. We're having a meeting tomorrow - everybody who is planning to go- via zoom so we'll see. I just feel bad that I said that!

I got up early to take S to work and then came home for several hours before I had to leave for my liver doctor appointment. He said I'm hunky dorey! I'm so happy! I know I still have cirrhosis but I guess it must not be getting worse. I even told him that I've gained 10 pounds since November and he didn't make a big deal out of it! We talked about how fast he can type and he told me that you can get someone to transcribe what you say, but he says its easier just to type it yourself.

I'm doing laundry right now. Time to change it over!

P.S. N3 saw my old car today. He said it was just driving down the street. He knows this one was the exact one because of the two bumper stickers on the tail.

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Default Mar 19, 2021 at 04:52 PM
  #22
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.....
I got up early to take S to work and then came home for several hours before I had to leave for my liver doctor appointment. He said I'm hunky dorey! I'm so happy! I know I still have cirrhosis but I guess it must not be getting worse. I even told him that I've gained 10 pounds since November and he didn't make a big deal out of it! We talked about how fast he can type and he told me that you can get someone to transcribe what you say, but he says its easier just to type it yourself.

.....

That is GREAT news! Do you have cirrhosis from lithium?

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Default Mar 19, 2021 at 05:05 PM
  #23
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That is GREAT news! Do you have cirrhosis from lithium?
Maybe. Maybe Zyprexa. It sucks big time. When I was manic a couple years ago, I did a ton of research about the subject and wasn't too happy with what I found! It's all in my blog. April/May 2019.

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Default Mar 19, 2021 at 06:46 PM
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Maybe. Maybe Zyprexa. It sucks big time. When I was manic a couple years ago, I did a ton of research about the subject and wasn't too happy with what I found! It's all in my blog. April/May 2019.

Geez...that's horrible, Moose.

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Default Mar 19, 2021 at 07:28 PM
  #25
I’m kind of panicking right now. I wonder if I should go back to my 80 mil of geodon. If the 100 is too strong. My anxiety seems to get tough at night after I take it.

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Default Mar 19, 2021 at 08:06 PM
  #26
My alcohol-free wine came today, two cases! It was my treat for doing my taxes. I'm very impressed with the service of the company as it took them only two day to fulfil my order! Now that's service!

I slept well and walked my dog. At one point we have to walk up a long 30 meter ramp and i've decided to call it "Heartbreak Hill" after the hill in the Boston Marathon that so many of the runners struggle with. But we made it today!

It was a beautiful sunny day and we have warm sunny days on the way so i am thrilled!

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Default Mar 19, 2021 at 08:58 PM
  #27
Last week we moved into our new house. It’s a disorganized mess but it’s coming along. Honestly neither me nor RS feel like doing much after work! And this week has been so miserable in terms of weather (just cold and rainy and blah) that I’ve just wanted to come home and snuggle up. Tomorrow RS is going to the old house to get the stuff out of the backyard. Our table and chairs and the rest of his “toys” lol. Lawnmowers and the like. We’re probably also going to steal some plants - don’t judge us, the yard was an overgrown mess when we got there and RS worked very hard to get it looking as good as it does now. There are a lot of double daffodils on the side of the old house so I’m going to take a few, RS wants his hostas that he planted. My grandma told me to dig up the strawberries we planted last year too. We have a nice defined bed at the new house. Looks like the possible azaleas on the far side are close to being dead, but I did see a bit of green when I snapped off a branch on the one. It’s hard to know if we’ll be able to bring it back as the branch did snap easily.

In other news I have decided to start meal prepping my lunches. And I decided to do a lot of vegetarian dishes as most meat is just unappetizing to me now. I feel like I can eat it for dinner but I don’t want heavy meals for lunch. I’m going to try a rainbow roasted vegetable and Coucous dish and maybe some Caesar salads for the first week. Trying to maybe do some protein smoothies in the AM but I generally don’t leave time in the morning for anything but throwing **** in my lunch bag.

I feel these days like I never had bipolar in the first place. I definitely have depressive episodes, hell I just got out of one, but I haven’t had even a hypomanic episode that lasted more than a day or two since 2018. I dunno. However I also came to the realization that I was never as “high functioning” as I believed I was. It’s just I ignore everything until I completely break down. That’s my pattern - ignore the signs and wait until it’s so bad someone forces me inpatient. BUT at the same time I’m coming up on 3 years IP free, which hasn’t happened since 2012 when all this **** went down.

Everything is just so complicated, I guess it’s better not to think about it.

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Default Mar 19, 2021 at 09:21 PM
  #28
Holy cow! The thought of moving at this point is quite anxiety provoking for me. We've been living in our current house for 20 years now. My partner has been talking about moving in the not too distant future. Having read about your & Soupe's experiences with moving, I dread the thought of a move even more!

In addition, my aunt just passed away in January, & we had to get her whole house cleared out so we could get it on the market (she'd lived there over 50 years). I came to the realization that if there is space, you will fill it. Our basement is packed with stuff we haven't touched in a decade, but won't throw out because it's "still good." I feel for you, wildflowerchild!

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I feel these days like I never had bipolar in the first place. I definitely have depressive episodes, hell I just got out of one, but I haven’t had even a hypomanic episode that lasted more than a day or two since 2018. I dunno. However I also came to the realization that I was never as “high functioning” as I believed I was. It’s just I ignore everything until I completely break down. That’s my pattern - ignore the signs and wait until it’s so bad someone forces me inpatient.
I could have written this. Recently I was lamenting the absence of hypomanic episodes, but someone (I think it was Soupe) wrote that we shouldn't romanticize hypomania too much. That's good advice for me, since I would occasionally run myself off the rails when I thought I was cruising along nicely. Hypomania is a nice high but, as my mother used to say, "It's a lot of fun until someone loses an eye!"

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Everything is just so complicated, I guess it’s better not to think about it.
Life is complicated, & will remain so. Like you, I try not to focus too much on BD. My thoughts are generally better spent elsewhere.

Thanks for the insightful post, wildflowerchild. I got a lot out of it.
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Default Mar 20, 2021 at 10:01 AM
  #29
Maybe I'm truly crazy, but I could swear I've had some psychiatric symptoms from the first vaccine. Earlier in the week I was feeling fairly depressed. Last night the depression coupled with anxiety the likes of which I haven't felt in ages. I'm definitely listing the possible side effects on the "reporting side effects" link they gave to me when I was vaccinated. I'm not complaining, just noticing. I'm quite certain that little or no research was done on the psych effects of the covid vaccines.

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Default Mar 20, 2021 at 10:25 AM
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Today I had a sudden bout of anxiety and/or racing heart. Possibly Klonopin withdrawal effect or just anxiety, I don't know. In any case, I'm also quite disappointed that I wasted ingredients (money) and time trying to make an American recipe for oatmeal raisin nut cookies, but with Czech groceries. I happened to find a Czech language recipe that was exactly the same as my favorite American one, except using a certain Czech flour. I thought, "Great!" but found them to be a complete failure in the end. I think that Czech recipe blogger stole the American recipe and just translated everything (including the gram measurements) other than the flour type. It makes a difference! That, or maybe also the oats were slightly different, and yet I was careful to scrutinize them and they looked the same and their cooking time on the label was also the same as rolled oats in the US. The flour issue is a big one. If I ever want to make them again, I'm going to have to experiment using a combination of two Czech flours. If it never works out, I guess I'll have to ask my sister to make cookies the next time I visit. This type of situation proves that baking is a science. Different than cooking.

I asked my husband to help me write a negative review in the Czech blogger's comments section.

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Default Mar 20, 2021 at 11:53 AM
  #31
I did a 10 minute guided imagery session on my phone last night. It helped me with my anxiety and with that and a 10 milligram of melatonin I got to sleep. I still woke up for a bit around 2:30. Today I feel ok. I’m a bit anxious but that’s because I had an espresso coffee. Today I’m just doing my usual Saturday chores and things. Last night I recorded the first episode of the new season of one of the shows I like. But right now I’m just watching my usual weekend sitcoms. I got the pair of boots I’ve been wanting for a couple years. My stimulus check is really helping out with everything. I got some bills to pay and stuff too.

I’ve been avoiding the grocery store because my old coworker is kind of transphobic. She thinks she’s being nice. She’s just clueless. She knows based on my Facebook that I go by he/him and that I have a new name. But when I see her at the store she continues to call me by my original name and she misgenders me. It’s really obnoxious because she knows I’m trans. Today my mom had to go and she saw her and the coworker asked why I never come in the store anymore. Um...

I just got my shot and I feel a bit sick right now but it could be the coffee. I’ve been feeling sick and tired when I get them. Then I get super hungry.

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Default Mar 20, 2021 at 02:02 PM
  #32
I've been doing this for a while, where I pick the skin on my fingers. I don't know if this is some kind of anxiety coping mechanism bc I sometimes feel better after doing so, even when its deep enough to draw blood. I've been doing it all morning. Is this abnormal?
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Default Mar 20, 2021 at 02:23 PM
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I've been doing this for a while, where I pick the skin on my fingers. I don't know if this is some kind of anxiety coping mechanism bc I sometimes feel better after doing so, even when its deep enough to draw blood. I've been doing it all morning. Is this abnormal?

It's called "dermatillomania" and I've been doing it since I was a child. The only time I've been able to stop is when I've had artificial nails on, which I really don't like doing. But I've had them done at times just to stop the skin-picking habit (the fake nails prevent me from being able to scrape and pick my skin).

It is an anxiety response, yes.

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Default Mar 20, 2021 at 02:28 PM
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I've been doing this for a while, where I pick the skin on my fingers. I don't know if this is some kind of anxiety coping mechanism bc I sometimes feel better after doing so, even when its deep enough to draw blood. I've been doing it all morning. Is this abnormal?

My brother-in-law has had a long-term issue with what you describe. His fingers look awful and are even scarred from years of such intense picking. I agree with BethRags that it is surely either anxiety or some kind of negative coping mechanism. I think that many of us have some kind of negative coping mechanism. Mine have varied over the course of my life. A permanent sign of one I have had is extreme wear of my teeth from daytime bruxism.
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Default Mar 20, 2021 at 04:17 PM
  #35
I went down on my Geodon. I took 80 tonight instead of 100. It just seemed like I was always having negative thoughts and bad anxiety right after taking the 100mil. My doctor told me that the weekly doses of my injection will take awhile to see a change. But I’m already seeing one. So maybe that is all I need.

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Default Mar 20, 2021 at 04:20 PM
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My brother-in-law has had a long-term issue with what you describe. His fingers look awful and are even scarred from years of such intense picking. I agree with BethRags that it is surely either anxiety or some kind of negative coping mechanism. I think that many of us have some kind of negative coping mechanism. Mine have varied over the course of my life. A permanent sign of one I have had is extreme wear of my teeth from daytime bruxism.
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It's called "dermatillomania" and I've been doing it since I was a child. The only time I've been able to stop is when I've had artificial nails on, which I really don't like doing. But I've had them done at times just to stop the skin-picking habit (the fake nails prevent me from being able to scrape and pick my skin).

It is an anxiety response, yes.
Thank you Beth and Soupdejour! I have to agree that it is most likely a coping mechanism. Sometimes it hurts when I do it, but I feel so much better when I do. I'm going to take Beth's advice and get my nails done. First bc it will help me feel better about myself right now, also it's that self care I was self care I brought up earlier. And I need to get my hands looking better. I'm tired of the skin picking.
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Default Mar 20, 2021 at 05:21 PM
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Thank you Beth and Soupdejour! I have to agree that it is most likely a coping mechanism. Sometimes it hurts when I do it, but I feel so much better when I do. I'm going to take Beth's advice and get my nails done. First bc it will help me feel better about myself right now, also it's that self care I was self care I brought up earlier. And I need to get my hands looking better. I'm tired of the skin picking.

I think even having just gel polish on my natural nails made the skin-picking impossible, because my nails were too thick. Of course, all the nail stuff ruins your natural nails.

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Default Mar 20, 2021 at 07:25 PM
  #38
Well today wasn't so bad. I had an awkward conversation with my "friend" so at least we cleared the air. Basically what it comes down to is we probably just need some space from each other. But we'll still remain in touch. So I'm back to being alone again. Other than that, I went to my sister's so that my brother in law can change the oil in my car. Which was cool bc I got to see my nephews and niece again today. It's always nice to see them bc I forget about all the bs in my life when I'm with them. Then my sis and I hung out for a bit. I eventually did go and get that manicure so I can "feel pretty" and enjoy some self care for once. I'm happy with the results, I just hope I can maintain this for a while. And I've tried to pick my skin out of habit, and I couldn't. So we'll see how long I can deal with that.
I came home, did a couple discussion posts, and now I'm about to finish reading the chapter and maybe start on this paper. Overall, a productive day. Thanks again for the help! You guys are the best, thats why I love this forum.
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Default Mar 20, 2021 at 07:50 PM
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Today I woke up at 1230 because my mom called. I had gotten up at six yesterday so I guess I was making up for that. We had a meeting about our Disney trip a year from now- costs, where people are sleeping, when we should buy plane tickets and our park admission. My mom has been calling Disney World and arranging the campground reservations. We have to do a bit of this very soon so that the park capacity isn't full! I found a forum called "disboards" that is entirely about planning your Disney vacation. I signed up there in 2014 when we went to Disneyland and stayed with my sister.

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Default Mar 20, 2021 at 09:11 PM
  #40
Here it is, the first day of spring. Winter seems to have flown by so rapidly. I have to pressure my husband to commit to taking a drive so I can see the wildflowers, maybe next Sunday. I've stayed inside almost all of the time since covid began; it's gotten to where I've become anxious about leaving my apartment. Not good. It would never dawn on him to ask if I need to get out.

The strangest part about getting vaccinated is realizing that just because I'm vaxxed doesn't mean covid is over for me. Yes, I have a much stronger immunity to the illness, but masks...still. Distancing...still. Isolation...will I ever really get over this feeling of isolation? I'm fine with solitude, but this degree of isolation is sick, in itself.

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