Had anyone else had a similar mental health experience?

Hi Has anyone experienced an overall mental experience like this? I’m confused.

When I was 12 I started to believe I was in the Truman Show. It was like a fixed belief that I had a bit of insight into, it wasn’t playing pretend or the paranoia you get when you’ve seen a scary movie. It was like a delusion but I had some awareness it wasn’t real. I was able to go about my day and not believe it for a majority of the day. I can’t remember how long the “delusion” lasted but I remember having weird behaviour and believing the delusion for about a year or two. I was also quite unhappy during this time: I would get stretches of ennui and sadness/emptiness. Nothing really brought on those feelings, I just felt like a walking Albert Camus novel or like Catcher In The Rye in human form. Basically, the angst 😱

I posted a post 8 years ago on another site as a different user, and got some responses.

The three psychiatrists I’ve brought it up to have said that it’s anxiety, possibly bipolar or nothing serious. My relatives have said that it’s normal and probably more common than I think. I think they all could be right, but I want to make sure I’m getting treated if I have a chronic condition.

Since then I’ve had depressive episodes and periods of anxiety/fast-talking and weird behaviour here and there. I sought a bipolar diagnosis and got a preliminary one, but I’m not sure it’s bipolar.

The reason why I’m not sure it’s bipolar is because during my high episodes I don’t feel high consistently or lose contact with reality.

During them I just felt like I couldn’t concentrate, feel like I wasn’t myself, and like I was stressed. I would talk a lot out loud to myself but be able to stop, and I’d just feel aimless and a bit depressed, with moments of excitement or optimism. I’d talk out loud to myself around people, aware that it would be perceived as weird, but needing to talk to organise my thoughts which had gotten jumbled, and to motivate myself. Also, I wasn’t taking substances to alter my behaviour.

I’ve had depressive episodes where I’ve been able to cheer up a bit, but have also experienced chronic hopelessness and emptiness the majority of the time. Antidepressants tend to be 100% effective at treating those episodes.

I have months where I feel perfectly normal. For instance, since my last episode I’ve been feeling normal, without any medication.

Does anyone have any ideas what it could be? I won’t take them as concrete, I’ll just use them to get ideas to discuss with my psychiatrist.

Here’s my post from 2013:

Hi, I'm an eighteen year old female. When I was thirteen I had a crush on a guy a few years older than me and started obsessing about him. I started to think weird things - I thought he was the member if the Norwegian royal family, I thought a magic eight ball had consciousness and was like an oracle that could predict my future, I can remember closing the curtains in my room and hiding under the sheets because I thought I was being watched. When I was thirteen, I began to believe that inanimate objects were watching me (e.g iPod, stuffed toys) and that I was somehow famous. I thought they were watching me, and saw them having confused or friendly facial expressions I thought advertisements were copying me because I was being filmed and watched by everyone (like in the Truman show) it's gone now. Has anyone else experienced that?
* I also heard a voice, saw a woman in the sun and couldn’t see her face for a few seconds, and saw fleas that weren’t there while sitting in a corridor outside a class, when I swatted them away they disappeared.

I agree that you should get more of a definitive diagnosis. If you go to a new psychiatrist, you might want to press him/her on the past (or even their) casual speculations about any diagnosis. I do think that all of the speculations could be right, but right for you, I couldn't know. Anxiety, dissociation, bipolar disorder, and other conditions can include scenarios you mentioned. So can what is now referred to as Maladaptive Daydreaming. The latter can put a person into a state that can seem (but is not) psychosis. Such intensive daydreaming has its own causes and can bring great dysfunction. One can become elated, terrorized, or have other deep mood/emotional experiences during Maladaptive Daydreaming. It's amazing what the brain can concoct, even in brains of people who seemingly don't have a diagnosis. Just think how many people in the world are 100% they saw a UFO, heard their deceased mother's voice, felt a sudden chill travel up and down bones, see flashes of brilliant light or unexpected images that didn't exist, experience mild deja vu, or similar, think they smell lilacs, when there aren't any to be found. They all need not always be psychosis.

Please note that I am not offering a diagnosis. Just sharing possible things to consider.

An interesting discussion on maladaptive daydreaming and bipolar disorder at: Is maladaptive daydreaming occurring concurrently with bipolar disorder a defence mechanism or one of the symptoms of hypomania? - Quora

Hi Rebecca, I do want to mention that one need not be out of touch with reality to experience hypomania ir mania. I just want to clarify that.

The existential angst you described so well is, I've noticed, common to many mental illnesses.


I agree entirely that seeing a psychiatrist for a definite diagnosis is essential. I've found that I can drive myself crazy by just trying to figure out what my symptoms mean! Seeing a professional is tremendously helpful, especially if you stick with treatment.

You've talked about existential angst, and some of what you describe may be just that. And I do not agree that this is a symptom of mental illness, or certainly not necessarily.

You mentioned that you saw a psychiatrist 'seeking' a Bipolar diagnosis. I may be assuming wrong here, but it sounds like you intentionally presented to the pdoc as someone who probably had Bipolar? But I could be misreading you.

What I'm referring to, though, is that I think it's best to go into a psychiatry appointment with a very open mind; just present your experiences and let the pdoc decide what it might be 'called'/labeled as.

I think when someone goes to see a psychiatrist seeking -any- type of diagnosis, that person may well only present the symptoms associated with that diagnosis, instead of giving all of the necessary information, even that which may, potentially, rule out the diagnosis you think fits.

I believe that only presenting certain information, what you think fits, leads to explosions of misdiagnoses and overdiagnoses we've seen in this country. Pdocs often have little time and some probe more than others. Some want a diagnosis themselves to they can 'medicate it away,' their only source of help.

If I were you, I would talk to a therapist. They are not supposed to diagnose, and they do not have the credentials to do so, but they -aside from staff who observe you inpatient- will eventually know you most. I think that a good therapist would also keep an open mind, and help you, hopefully, with your depression, ennui, potential dissociation, etc.

Best of luck on your journey!

Another thing that comes to mind is derealization. I have depersonalisation/derealization disorder, and I believe my symptoms started around 12, as well. I'm not saying your description matches my experience perfectly, but when you say "truman show" it makes me think "derealization," that's all. It might be something to consider.

I agree that it is good to keep an open mind when going to a Pdoc for a diagnosis, but sometimes I do think it can be helpful to share your own thoughts on what's going on, as long as you don't let it cloud your judgment too much. Sometimes there are a few comorbid disorders at play, such as bipolar, derealization, and some assorted other things in my case. If I go to a Pdoc and mention everything at once, sometimes they find it hard to distinguish the main problems from the side issues. So I like to be explicit about the fact that right now, my main problem is my depression, just so we can stay on track and look for ways to deal with those symptoms first, before getting into things like derealization that are annoying to me but not such a major impediment to my life as the depression is.

I keep daily mood charts and journals where I keep track of all my issues. I find it can be helpful to take those notes along when visiting my Pdoc sometimes. That way they can get a clear, objective overview of what's going on, and at the same time I can point out individual things and differentiate them from other things. At least that's how I like to do it, your mileage may vary.

Derealization - good point. I've had it since I was around ten and this thread rings that bell for me, too.