Giving Up

Do you ever get tired of fighting your bipolar and stop trying?

I’ve been trying to find something that works for the last two decades. I’ve tried numerous meds, but they all poop out. I tried ECT, but it triggered a manic episode. Therapy doesn’t change anything.

I think I am just broken beyond fixing.

I know it can be very hard, but don't give up hope. I never had meds work for me for any significant period of time until I went of clozaril. I've now been fairly stable for 5 years without any dose changes to that med and minimal changes to other meds. It just works. I tried well over 40 meds and 70plus combinations before I got this combination and I didn't think there was any hope for me.

There is hope. It's just waiting for that magic combination that is so hard. I don't know what makes the wait easier but I thought maybe knowing that I had success eventually might help a little.

Hi Merlin, It was 32 years before I finally found a med cocktail that keeps me stable. In one way, that seems very sad to me; in another way...at least it finally happened! I don't think it takes most people that long, though. I find med poop out (especially AP's) to be a problem. I'm a great believer in therapy - with the right therapist.

Anyway, to answer your question, yes. I get tired of fighting my bipolar disorder. And there have been many times when I wanted to stop trying. I work very consciously not to feel resentful, bitter, angry, etc. Living life with a mental illness is a major commitment.

I am a senior now and these past few years have been the first experience of stability for me too. I refuse to think about my younger years. The meds I am on weren't available and I was misdiagnosed with major depression not bipolar until around 2013 although the meds I was previously taking still included an AP. I have been on basically everything. It took over 30 years not counting my childhood years when I wasn't treated at all. I guess for some of us it does take a long long time. And even though I have breakthroughs in my moods at times they are nothing compared to what I used to experience.

Best wishes for you to find the right combination that works.

I’m just feeling so hopeless these days. I don’t know if I have the strength to keep trying. All I want to do is lie in bed and do nothing.

I absolutely understand that you are tired of fighting, because it is exhausting. That said, I don't think you should give up. The only thing we can do is just keep going and hope for better days.

As for my answer to your question, yes, I certainly do get tired of fighting. I'm tired of constantly worrying about this illness, and how to manage it, and how to keep ordinary life circumstances that non-bipolar people wouldn't think twice about from completely derailing my life. I'm tired of being so vulnerable to things like, for example, sleep deprivation, that I can't even travel or have children like a normal person without having to worry that it might trigger a full-blown mania or depression. I'm tired of having to wake up every day and immediately think of meds. All I want is just to live my life and spend my time and energy thinking about things I care about, like the projects I want to work on. Right now, finding and implementing the right treatment is still such a time-consuming task. I hope that at some point I will manage to find a routine with meds, sleep, work, and everything else that will get me stable enough so that I can just live my life without thinking twice about it. I do believe that's possible, and that's why I keep trying.

I'm just getting stable for the first time I think ever. will it last, I don't know. I've been on medication for 14 years. Having more then 1 dr give up on me. I give up and just float about 2x a year. I've been through at least 10 pdocs and who knows how many therapist.

This. I found stability as a senior. And also the meds I’m on, less of them too we’re not around. Even though they diagnosed me as atypical depression then bipolar they kept throwing ADs at me witch just lead to mixed moods. Once I finally realized that and said no more ADs and no more bentos I got stable.

i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters. Mental illnesses can be hard to deal with i think but i do believe it is possible to manage them. So Sorry that you're feeling like giving up right now but Please do not do that. i think you have the strength that is necessary to continue like everyone does at least in my opinion. Just try to take things slowly and perhaps do something nice for yourself. You deserve a reward for everything that you're going through i think. Just try your best like you're perhaps already doing. i Hope things will get easier for everyone. i am available if you need to talk and Hopefully many others as well. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Merlin, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!