[MamaBear4]

I feel like one of the biggest struggles I have is learning to trust myself. Anytime I have an emotional reaction to something I am either afraid it is mania or depression that is clouding my judgment.

Right now is a terribly busy time of year for me with birthdays, sports, and family visits. On top of that, I am depressed but functioning because I have to. My husband doesn't understand because he has never read a book or watched a YouTube video on bipolar, I have to explain everything which gets very tiring. He thinks I am angry with him and lashing out when my depressed mind just can't move and shift as fast as he can.

I feel like I am getting more and more detached and I just don't care at the moment. I made my kids cry because they saw me cry as I told them I was in a depression. They are 16 and 18 so they are old enough now. I thought wow I am one ****** mother that makes their kids cry because they are scared I will commit suicide. What kid needs to deal with that?! At the same time, wishing I could just rid the world of me while not making them suffer. I know this is probably the depression talking but it feels like a real reality.

[MickeyCheeky]

So Sorry for what you're going through! Please do not give up! i don't think you need to blame yourself for this. It's not like you have decided to hurt them and i think it is perfectly normal for your kids to empathize with their mother in a moment of difficulty. Plus, it is not your fault you're depressed and you were simply being Honest with them i think. i Hope you're getting the Help ypu need right now. Try to work on yourself. Be kind to yourself and others as well. Hugs. Please do stay Safe. Keep venting if Needed and i am also available through pm as well as many others i think. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @MamaBear4, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[*Beth*]

My husband has never educated himself on BD, either. He has some understanding of depression, and understands anxiety (because he has it). Mania is a foreign concept, however...he believes that it can be controlled with willpower.

As for your children, they have compassion, which is wonderful. Yet it's true that having to worry about their mother, especially that she's going to suicide, is more than they should have to live with. My own mother often threatened suicide and it caused a tremendous amount of anxiety and depression for me - plus it taught me that suicide was a viable way out of pain. I didn't learn healthy coping skills.

Have you considered family therapy?

[Victoria'smom]

Depression doesn't have to lead to suicide they should be informed of that. We're as opened and honest with our son about our illnesses. He needs to know incase he has to write family medical history. My son feels bad when my husband or I feel bad and vice versa. Let them know your trying everything you can to get out of depression. Make sure you're taking your medication properly and keeping appointments.

Would he be willing to go to a therapy session with you so your T can explain it to him better? Several times the only one to get through to my husband was my dr or therapist. My therapist was very blunt with him one time. Told him I'd leave him without regret if he made me choose between him and one of my illnesses. Not my best moment, but it got through to him.

My suggestion is if it's getting worse look for a higher level of care. Like IOP or IP. It sounds like they may need to talk to someone on there own.

[Bipolarchic14]

I know I would’ve wanted to know if my mom was depressed so I could be there for her. Your children are still young but yet old enough to understand And old enough to be told about this. Of course it’s scary but it’s really no different than your mother having to go in for emergency heart surgery. I guess the only real difference is is sometimes a mental illness can be hidden. Just because it can be, should it be? I don’t think so. Especially given the fact that it can be genetic. I truly hope you feel better soon.

@Bipolarchic14:

[mssweatypalms]

So sorry to hear you're struggling with this. I agree, it is your depression talking right now. It's a hard battle so hang in there!

[RoxanneToto]

I’ve got no real advice, since I don’t have experience with mania, but I wanted to offer moral support for what it’s worth. I do have experience with depression and I know how badly it can cloud your thinking at times. Having to keep going when it would be better to temporarily take a step back is truly one of the worst feelings, too, please don’t give up on yourself though.