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MamaBear4
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Default May 04, 2021 at 08:24 AM
  #1
Well, now I am going through a depression. I've managed to stay out of bed and only my husband knows at this point and not my two teens. This is usually when some obsessive behaviors creep up that take me into a manic or mixed episode.
I am eating well, taking care of myself, and taking all my meds. I have no stress in my life either. My son has come out of his depression and is thriving! My children are happy, my marriage is good, and I even had an excellent job interview. I just hate this feeling!

This makes me think I will never be able to sustain a job again after my psychosis 8 years ago. I haven't been the same since. I did finish college and get a good job. I was successful for 2 years but I had to take short-term disability twice because of my depression. It was a high-stress job so I just quit one day with a week's notice. Now I am in school for something I love and had an interview to pursue it. I think I may get it and I am thinking don't take it. Don't promise what you can't give. (I want to be a Special Education Teacher). This would be a paraeducator job which is less stress because I'm not in charge but still. I am 5 classes away from having a MA in Special Education. IDK, I am rambling now. I just wanted to talk it out. Thank you for listening.
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Default May 04, 2021 at 11:47 AM
  #2
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Originally Posted by MamaBear4 View Post
IDK, I am rambling now. I just wanted to talk it out. Thank you for listening.
You're not rambling. Thanks for sharing your challenges & victories with us.
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Default May 04, 2021 at 03:47 PM
  #3
You're not rambling, at all. As I see it you have 2 options...one is to work at a job you may or may not be able to cope with, the other is to apply for SSDI and be on it at least until you are more stable.

Speaking of stable...I don't recall if you've mentioned medication or therapy?

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Default May 04, 2021 at 04:06 PM
  #4
Nope, not rambling. You can take the para job and see how you do. From what you say here it sounds like most of the stress is coming from your own internal talk. Maybe address that with a T.

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Default May 05, 2021 at 02:20 AM
  #5
I agree, you're not rambling. And I know how disheartening it is, having to continuously deal with mania, depression, psychosis... Not to mention the effect all that has on your confidence and faith in yourself and your life. I do hope you're not having to deal with that on your own. Do you have a therapist who can support you in this?

I think being a special ed teacher is a beautiful pursuit. If that's what you love, I think you should at least try going for it. Don't give up on yourself before giving yourself a chance, at least that's my opinion. In the worst case you'll have to quit, but it's never too late for that. On the other hand, you might succeed! In the meantime, all you can do is try to enjoy the process as best you can, and take all the support you can get to help maximize your chances.
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Default May 05, 2021 at 07:05 AM
  #6
I worked as a para in a VE (varying exceptionalities) preschool class while I was waiting for a teaching job in my field to open up.

It was the most fun I've ever had while working. I loved it because the teacher was in charge. My two jobs basically, is to keep them safe and to observe behaviours and report any changes or problems. I never took work home like I always did while teaching.

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Default May 05, 2021 at 07:28 AM
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@MamaBear4: I say take the job! The only way to be sure to fail is not to try. We're here for you if you need support!

Ta!

Jane.

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Default May 05, 2021 at 09:09 AM
  #8
Thanks guys. I didn't get the position but the principal did reach out for an additional para job that is coming up. I think I'm going to take some time off from school and applying for jobs. As for medications I'm on 300mg of Lamictal, 90 mg of Latuda, Ativan and Ambien as needed. I don't have a therapist at the moment.
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Default May 05, 2021 at 06:46 PM
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Sounds like a good med combination. If you do return to work a therapist might really help with any stress that pops up.

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Default May 11, 2021 at 11:04 AM
  #10
You're trying your best it seems from what you wrote and i think that is important! So Sorry that you're not feeling that well! i agree with the others wise and wonderful posters about taking the job if you want to. i think it may be worth trying at least. Please do not be hard on yourself and others. i think you can handle things if you just take this one step at the time. Be proud of yourself. Hugs. Sending many safe, warm hugs to ALL of you, @MamaBear4, your Families, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

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Default May 12, 2021 at 12:51 PM
  #11
Thank you for this. I am rapid cycling right now and I really needed to hear this. I did apply for more jobs, they start in September so I thought I should try.
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Default May 25, 2021 at 12:30 AM
  #12
I can totally relate to what happened in the workplace. I also got my dream job, and I continued for 2 years, but it was just so stressful that I barely got any sleep. That's when I was first diagnosed with depression. After a year, Prozac stopped working, so my doctor put me on Lithium instead. The side effects were horrible, so I ended up with 200mg Lamictal and 300mg Seroquel after some trial and error. Now, I've been working as a teacher. It's very far from my dream job in the past, but I really enjoy it and I found a new passion for it.
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Default May 25, 2021 at 12:38 AM
  #13
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...I've been working as a teacher. It's very far from my dream job in the past, but I really enjoy it and I found a new passion for it.
First off, welcome to the boards; I note you're fairly new. Secondly, teaching is a very difficult, and often under-appreciated profession. Thank you for putting your passion into your noble work!
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Default May 25, 2021 at 03:38 PM
  #14
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Originally Posted by MamaBear4 View Post
Well, now I am going through a depression. I've managed to stay out of bed and only my husband knows at this point and not my two teens. This is usually when some obsessive behaviors creep up that take me into a manic or mixed episode.
I am eating well, taking care of myself, and taking all my meds. I have no stress in my life either. My son has come out of his depression and is thriving! My children are happy, my marriage is good, and I even had an excellent job interview. I just hate this feeling!

This makes me think I will never be able to sustain a job again after my psychosis 8 years ago. I haven't been the same since. I did finish college and get a good job. I was successful for 2 years but I had to take short-term disability twice because of my depression. It was a high-stress job so I just quit one day with a week's notice. Now I am in school for something I love and had an interview to pursue it. I think I may get it and I am thinking don't take it. Don't promise what you can't give. (I want to be a Special Education Teacher). This would be a paraeducator job which is less stress because I'm not in charge but still. I am 5 classes away from having a MA in Special Education. IDK, I am rambling now. I just wanted to talk it out. Thank you for listening.
I relate a lot! The tightrope thing very much makes sense. I don't think it's just in your head. It's real, the challenge, but it can be managed. I agree with the posters that say try it and see. You could totally find the right job with the right workload for yourself. I very strongly recommend therapy for all of this too. And just keep at it all like you've been. And then you can recover even more over time. I've been at it for almost 10 years now. I also finished my MSc, started working again etc... It's possible to do. Hang in there!
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