Bipolar check-in #56

I went back to the eye doctor this afternoon. She says my eyes are cleared up and she wants me in the same contacts but she gave me another pair to replace the ones I had to throw out. I foolishly bought a year's worth not ever thinking that I might have a problem like this!

Plus without my a/c on at home, my apartment is as hot as it is outside! **** me for this summer! I don't know that I can afford to run the a/c that much!

My mom's Cairn Terrier ate a baby -no fur yet- bunny yesterday! The vet said if it had no fur that its bones were still soft so there should be no problem digesting it.

I've lost about 3 pounds in the last week from trying to eat all-veggies.

I don't know what to eat for dinmer. Half ofe wants "The tonight dough" ice cream!

I have an email into my therapist. I am struggling like hell right now and I don’t know if I need therapy or a non psych ER visit. I just have this severe vertigo that started about an hour ago. We have these front loading washers which I’ve never had before and that and the fans going in every room have just really been messing with me. But I also have a low grade temp. I took my usual Tylenol and zofran. I took my Geodon too and I used my vertigo oil. I don’t know if it’s severe stress or a reaction to the shot or both. Today I realized I’ve been also been dealing with PMS since yesterday probably and I’ve had this unusual bleeding that doesn’t seem like my period but either way it’s not normal at all. I also will call my primary tomorrow if things aren’t cleared up. I don’t really think this warrants a trip to the ER. It’s just scary.

Can you call your primary doctor's office and get the after-hours person and tell them your symptoms? That way they can ask you questions and decide whether or not you need to be seen.

@Soupe du jour

My meds make my birth control ineffective as well but I prefer to stay on so that I can have predictable periods. Without birth control I have no idea because it varies so widely. I’d just like to try something that might tackle at least the period-related depression! I hate being suicidal for three days for absolutely no reason at all.

My mood is still on the high side of positive but maybe this is my actual baseline and I’ve just been so unhappy and anxious because of past trauma that I couldn’t attain it. I’m talking to my family much more and doing things like sitting outside and stuff like that. I am quite irritable when I am in PHP groups but that’s just my general resistance to groups in the first place. I feel like I should have just gone back to work instead of doing another program. It’s really annoying. I feel like I don’t belong but at the same time it might be because everyone’s exactly like me and isn’t sharing the whole reason for being there. I don’t want to say I completely lost touch with reality for a week or so.

I’m doing that thing again though. You all know the one. Where you think you’re better, that the last episode really wasn’t that bad anyway, and you know better than any doctor so ditch the med you don’t like! Yeah. I don’t want to ditch everything, I do very well on the two mood stabilizers plus seroquel to sleep. But I don’t want a damn AP ( except to sleep)! I just don’t like the idea of needing an AP for an extended amount of time. I don’t know why. There’s nothing wrong with that really, nothing at all. I just don’t like it! I just started geodon too so there aren’t any noticeable side effects anyway.

This is an example of what a novice cook i am: i ate dinner in three stages because i couldn't cope with getting everything ready at once.

I had a small red baked potato -- plain, nothing on it and ate the skin. Potates have more potassium than bananas! Then i had a salad. Then i felt anxiety because there was no protein, so i mixed up a shake.

Oh, how i long to go to a restaurant and have a full plate served to me!!! I guess it is a skill i will have to develop myself. At 54!

Hugs to all!

I don't want to do grounding technics or take my prn. I'm so scared. I'll be home alone tomorrow so I need to get my **** together. I know I have to be adult about this the whole thing sucks. I want to turn in on myself. I had a pdoc appointment today and I thought everything was fine. Now it's different. I want to be okay with being home alone tomorrow. If I do any of those things H will be on high alert. Plus they'll catch it fast as they're monitoring my weight 2x a week. This is BS! I'm mad I have to use healthy coping mechanisms. WTH this is stupid.

@Miguel'smom...I wish I knew what I could write to make you feel safer. You are in a pretty miserable spot...I just wanted to let you know you're not writing into an abyss. Hang in there.

@whatever2013...You can microwave chicken breasts in about 4 minutes (test it after 2-3) if you ever crave protein again. That would probably be healthier & cheaper than protein shakes. Just my opinion. Congrats on getting vaccinated!

@Moose72...I'm glad you got your eye situation cleared up...and YES!!! It's getting hot here, too, but we vowed to keep our air conditioning use to a minimum this year, as well. Congrats on the weight loss! Maybe we'll both be able to sweat a few pounds off by the sound of things!

@wildflowerchild25...I'm glad you're doing a bit better. I skipped the part where you were talking about birth control. Since I think I'm about the only cis-man (I think that's a term) on the bipolar boards, it's hard for me to read about some of the women's issues that are shared sometimes (not by you specifically). I know...I'm a prudish old man!

@Soupe du jour...Your post reminded me of the day I went to the Ausländeramt (Foreigner's Office) to get my residency papers in Germany! It was a bit unnerving. Your next step will be to get your Czech drivers' license. Oh, joy! You surely hit a home run with your pdoc. Ask him if he does Zoom calls to the States for me!

@Jennifer 1967...I noted that you kind of shifted gears in your last post to put a more positive spin on things. Good on you!

@Nammu...My paternal grandparents both emigrated from Scotland. I think (not sure) they spoke English! Be careful wishing to move somewhere when you don't have a firm grasp of the language! (Kidding, of course.)

Since you women sometimes write about your periods, breasts & such, I don't feel quite so embarrassed adding that I'm sweating my balls off tonight! It will be hard to get to sleep.

Tomorrow is Friday. Have a good one, peeps!

Haha. It really funny I was so focused on Scotland according to ancestry I’m about an eighth eastern English but not Scottish at all. Though I’m half German and about a quarter Norwegian. I just had a thing for Merlin and was convinced the reason they never found his real cave was because it was in Scotland! Ancestry wise I’ve relative s in Germany and grew up with German Norwegian traditions but love the wild moors of Scotland. Weird cause I don’t do well in the cold although Minnesota is colder. I always wanted Dr Who to look for it, the cave, that is.

Thanks so much, Jennifer!

I'm partly settled into my new home (Czech Republic), but it is difficult to fully do so when the pandemic is still present. Hopefully after many more people (including Hubby and I) get the vaccine it will help. I have A LOT of Czech studying to do. I think considering we've been here for over five months, my progress has been pitiful.

I, of course, love my native country (USA), but I think the only major thing I miss is being capable with the language. I do feel that independence has been taken away by not knowing the local language. That makes my procrastination to study more curious. I suppose after the major moves, I just burned out. Plus, it isn't sure that we will permanently settle in Czech Republic. France is still a possibility, in the future. I guess that makes me wonder if immersing myself in Czech is really worth it. Or at least that's my excuse for not studying enough. My French is much much better than my Czech.

@wildflowerchild25, It also took me a long while to figure out what my true baseline was. My old psychiatrist used to say my baseline was "mild hypomania". Looking back, I suppose it was, but that has seemed to change. My more recent baseline has been what I assume is a more standard one. It's probably quite good that you are looking at what yours might be.

Period stuff can be a hassle. I totally get why you want the birth control to help with it. But I think the choice of which is significant. It's funny, when I was on the pill (Sorry buddah1too for the continuing lady talk), mine were all over the place. It wasn't until I got off of it that I became really regular again. Strange how we all react differently.

During my 3 1/2 years of many hospitalizations I was always ordered to attend a PHP/IOP. Once when I tried to quit it prematurely, they not only threatened me, but my private therapist AND private psychiatrist (on the outside) quit me. I was then forced to stay in the IOP, after which they found me a new private tdoc/pdoc. I guess it was for the best. I literally attended PHP/IOP 12 times. Ugh! Yea, it got old. And the money it cost! Unbelievable!

Good luck with the Geodon. It served me fairly well for about 5 of the 7 years I took it. It was certainly one of the friendlier APs I took, up until the last 2 years. Initial over sedation eased significantly, and it was always weight neutral for me.

OMG! Don't even say "driver's license". I'll admit that I can likely get away without a Czech driver's license for a little while longer. We have car insurance here. I've been working on getting used to slightly different signage and rules. The hard part with Czech drivers tests is that they expect more than American ones. They do have the written test in English version, but the stuff that's hard is low level mechanical expectations (changing tires, basic motor upkeep/knowledge). At 50 plus, it'll be odd having to learn this. Frankly, it's good that CZ has an excellent public transportation network. If needed, I could survive with that, for a while.

No Zoom calls from CZ, I'm afraid. I kind of doubt my old American pdoc would offer that either, but both are definitely marvelous guys. I'm so sorry you are having issues with your pdoc. I hope you can resolve them or find a new one. I just quit my Czech therapist because of issues. I'll be looking for a new therapist in about a month or so. We'll wish each other luck.

Did you ever see the following SNL skit? [It's a little "adult" double entendre.]

My mom had a similar feeling about Ireland. She was about 75% English background, and only 25% Irish, but called herself an "Irish lass" because she loved her 100% Irish grandfather and his sisters so much. I'm so happy that about 10 years before she unexpectedly passed away, she and I took a trip to Ireland together. She was so excited! I liked it a lot, too.

I hope you get to go to Scotland someday, Nammu. That was where my Dad always wanted to visit. When he'd fly to/from Amsterdam (he lived there while in the air force), the plane would fly over Scotland. He said it was the greenest place he ever saw. Unfortunately, it's highly unlikely he will travel abroad again, in the future. Don't miss out when you can.

Nothing much will be happening for me, today. However, tomorrow is my wedding anniversary. Not a big one, but it should be pleasant. Twenty three years ago my then fiance (Hubby) and I were in Prague, Czech Republic. We were married in the New Town Hall. He and his first wife married in the Old Town Hall. He only stayed with her less than 7 years. New was luckier for him than Old, I guess. My parents, sister, nephews, and a couple friends made the trip to Prague for the special day. Dozens of my husband's Czech friends and family members also attended the ceremony. It was romantic. Anyone interested in this story can read about it at Getting married abroad, in a most glorious city (Prague, Czech Republic) – Bird Flight

@Soupe du jour and all:

What a delightful blog entry about your Prague wedding! Happy 23rd!

@buddha1too and all:

Hey, cisman! I'm delighted to have you here representing the man's POV. Cisgender and cis-sexual are also words. What interesting times we live in! Thanks for the tip about the chicken breasts. I try to be as vegetarian as possible but i will keep it in mind.

It's 5:00am and i've been up since 2:30am. I feel fine tho, awake and alert and no side-effects from the vax.

I spilled something on my tablet computer's hard-keyboard and it no longer works. So i'm using the soft-keyboard and it's slower so my messages should be shorter, which i'm sure you're all happy to hear!

The hard-keyboard also propped up the tablet computer so i had to make a hack with a Scrabble rack, some packing tape and a shoe box.

Hey, it works, it's free and it was 2:30am! I watched too much Mr. Dress-Up as a kid, i guess!

Hugs to all!

I have a history of over a decade of chronic back pain, with an emergency surgery of my lumbar spine and an emergency surgery of my cervical spine (2004 and 2007 respectively), both due to debilitating neurological symptoms.

But over the last couple of months my back has gotten a lot worse. And over the last couple of days I've had a lot of trouble walking (due to pain, not neurological symptoms) and really making any move at all. I've missed two days of work, because work involves a lot of walking and standing.

I'm scared... That I'll need yet another surgery, that it'll get worse, that -at 50 now- I'll slowly go downhill and have a harder and harder time doing the job I'm so passionate about.

My pain doctor said that, at this point, she HAS to have an MRI to see what is going on. The problem is that my insurance (most insurance) will not pay for one until I've made a 'good faith effort' to do some PT first. My doctor said she may be able to make the case for an MRI after 4-5 sessions.

I have never found PT to be very helpful, but I'll do it for a while to get the MRI. I already do a lot of stretching on my own. PT tends to focus on strengthening exercises, and this is what I have not found helpful.

But the PT clinic I want to go to is very busy and I don't start for 2 weeks. I want to go to this place because I have experience through my own work there and know they're good. It's also right across the street from the hospital where I work, so I can go right after work. I won't go before work, because I need so much sleep to maintain my stability.

So, I'm. so. damn. scared. And am in a lot of pain. I haven't seen a doctor specifically for this episode because I don't know what they could do for me: I already take methadone for another pain issue, I take an NSAID, low dose, because I can't take more because it was starting to affect my kidneys, and I can't take steroids because they send me sky-high, starting with hypomania. I do take extra klonopin (I have a 'stash' of extras) as a muscle relaxant and that helps a bit, but it makes me very drowsy so I can't take it at work. I know of another muscle relaxant that can be prescribed, but it also makes me very drowsy.

I just hope this, at least mostly, resolves on its own. And/or I can just go back to work and do the best I can...

This seemed strange to me, so I looked it up, and CZ is included. *Very* few countries aren't.
(Unless I'm totally misunderstanding your statement...)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I have an email into my therapist. I am struggling like hell right now and I don’t know if I need therapy or a non psych ER visit. I just have this severe vertigo that started about an hour ago. We have these front loading washers which I’ve never had before and that and the fans going in every room have just really been messing with me. But I also have a low grade temp. I took my usual Tylenol and zofran. I took my Geodon too and I used my vertigo oil. I don’t know if it’s severe stress or a reaction to the shot or both. Today I realized I’ve been also been dealing with PMS since yesterday probably and I’ve had this unusual bleeding that doesn’t seem like my period but either way it’s not normal at all. I also will call my primary tomorrow if things aren’t cleared up. I don’t really think this warrants a trip to the ER. It’s just scary.

I feel so sorry for you. I've just been through 10 days of vertigo myself. In my case it seemed to be the ear crystal thing, because it finally went away. Do you have a GP yet?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom Well my appointment had no answers, just more blood drawn. Dr says it's not anemia but that's all she said (It just kinda slipped out of her mouth.) I go back in a week. They're trying to figure out where I'm bleeding from but I'm not bleeding from anywhere. My body is saying I have an infection when I don't too it's not good. On the psych side I'm pretty stable but I'm quiet and withdrawn. Maybe that's just who I am. It'll suck if it is but I'll deal. Because I'm withdrawing I'm quiet here, at home, in therapy, everywhere. I have tons of appointments Wednesday is the only day I have free next week. It's ridiculous. In other news I'm fully vaccinated. Now I just have to wait two weeks before going out. I'm trying to grow out my nails and our new diet stuff should be here soon.

I hope your physical issues resolve with a clear answer, Mm. That sounds frustrating and scary

London (my cat) was back to almost normal yesterday (after stopping the antibiotic). It took awhile, but he finally ate and was his wonderful-personality self. Then this morning he threw up. I'm waiting for the vet to open so I can arrange to take him over for blood work. I'm scared out of my mind, both about him and about how I'll pay for all of this. I just hope and pray that it's still the antibiotic that's upset his system. I'm just so scared, and exhausted. I'm shaking so badly and it's very hard to take deep breaths. I have to calm myself down so I can sleep some and function. I know I can do better than I'm doing right now.

We're having beautiful weather, but chilly mornings. I'm cold as ice right now.