Bipolar check-in #56

Yup, finished the outline now I just have to color stuff in which is my least favorite part. I'm glad your anxiety is better, hopefully you'll get to move to the upgraded apartment.

I took a muscle relaxer last night around 8. I fell asleep and I woke up at 8:58 because I had this weird mucus feeling in my throat and I kind of felt like I had stopped breathing for a couple seconds. My primary doctor thinks I might have sleep apnea. But then I fell back asleep until 11:50. I was up from 11:50 to 1 something. I had a Geodon on my nightstand so I took that at midnight. Not that great of an idea but I did get back to sleep. I was also super hungry so I had a peach, a protein bar, and a little bag of Goldfish. I woke up at my usual 6:30 time. I’ve been watching TV all day and I went to Dairy Queen for an ice cream.

Overall my moods and anxiety are ok today.

I got a package from Amazon today that had some stuff both therapists and my
Primary said I should be using. I don’t want my mom to find out so I just explained that my doctors said I should be using it and she didn’t question me. She’s good at respecting my privacy.

I'm beat! It's heading towards 7 pm. I barbecued chicken and veggies for dinner, and that was as much as I could manage after eating.The kitchen is a bit of a mess from all of my other cooking projects, but it will wait.

Hubby put up our new ceramic outdoor sculpture. A photo is attached. We love it! It's sort of like a bird bath (I'm sure one will go there and poop on it), but its value as a grounds sculpture is the main appeal to us. We choose it because it is like a broken eggshell within a broken eggshell. The whole piece has a textural design that is sort of like tree bark, but also like bird's feathers. It is placed next to our house's side entrance in a little garden area. We drove to Bohemia last weekend to pick it up. The ceramic artist made it just for us. She's wonderful! We also bought a bowl she made for my husband's sister, as well as a small sculpture I put in my kitchen. By chance, that artist made a lovely piece that my sister-in-law gave us some years back. She confirmed it was her work.

Tomorrow I will weigh myself again. I did so last Sunday and saw that I had gained a lot of weight. I'm hoping I shed a good amount. I've been tracking and pre-planning all of my meals these last seven days. I stayed within weight loss ranges every day. Obviously any loss will likely include some water weight loss, but some will be fat. I feel less bloated.

Beth, that's great about hopefully moving. Keeping my fingers crossed!

@Lizzie1813...It must be difficult feeling so isolated. There's nothing wrong with you, though. Perhaps you're just feeling unusually depressed. @Moose72 had a good idea; making plans to get out among others each day. I know it's not always easy, however. I know others on the boards find solice in church, or recovery groups. I note you're fairly new to this forum. I hope you can release some of your anxiety here...& feel less alone. Welcome.

@~Christina...It pains me to know you're suffering so. You're consistently one of the most supportive people on these boards. I hope you feel emotionally & physically better soon. It worries me that they're so determined to take your benzo away since it seems to provide you relief. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

@BethRags...You, too, are among the most supportive people on the forum. I hope you can stay cooler than the outside temps, & that you can get an apartment upgrade.

@Sapien...I'm glad you finished your drawing. I hope your SI, or whatever you're experiencing diminishes. I, too, think it would be wise to keep only a small quantity of Klonopin on hand...JUst my opinion.

@leomama...I'm sorry your job taxes you so much. I noted that you're in recovery (I am, too). Do you still go to meetings? I've found them to be of help with a variety of issues over the years.

@wildflowerchild25...I hope you can relax enough to take a vacation without feeling too stressed. I understand the trepidation, though.

@Jennifer 1967...You have every right to feel resentful about your role as primary caretaker of your brother & mother...especially when they don't cooperate. Don't you have siblings, or other family to give you a break from these duties? I should probably know the answer, so I'm sorry I asked. Continue with as much self-care as you can.

@Gabyunbound and @Soupe du jour...It's wise to create boundaries with family members who are a source of potential danger. I'm sorry you find yourselves in these situations. And, Soupe, I'm glad your vaccinations are on schedule! Vacations on the horizon! Also, that's an absolutely beautiful sculpture!

@Mountaindewed...I took you off ignore, but am still concerned about your use of meds. I'm sorry you're going through a rough time. Did you take a muscle relaxer to help you with a physical condition? Just asking. It just seems that mixing such a med with benzos might create some problems. I hope you feel better soon.

My mood has been heading south. I'm considering going off my AP again. I've not been around much because there's been so much going on IRL. On top of everything that's gone on in the past week, my partner is retiring effective this Thursday. That's will be nice...but it's also a major life change. Stress, I'm afraid.

To anyone I didn't address, I'm sorry. I've noted you haven't been posting much the past few days, @Nammu, so I hope you are well. Thanks to those of you who posted birthday greetings...though 60 wasn't much to celebrate. Be well, all.

@buddha1too I relapsed due to not going to meetings, I’ve got multiple programs but I had to reset my sobriety date due to a relationship with an alcoholic. I thought I could manage my mood without medication. Now I’m on three just to get back to normal .

Buddha, I seem to post in waves. Don’t know that there’s much rhyme or rhythm to the postings. Today we have my granddaughter’s birthday. She’s 4 Monday. Her party is today tho. Mermaid themed with an actual mermaid. ( okay so it’s a young woman from the yoga studio who dresses up) should be fun to watch.

Buddha I’m sorry so much has been happening maybe you should keep the AP for at l week beyond your wife’s retirement. Just to keep somethings the same and not change too many things at one time. Yeah retirement is stressful. Hope you can find ways to adapt to each other both being home 24/7. It’s a challenge but like you said before you both got though the pandemic well.

I'm glad you're back on the bus! It's hard to get back on sometimes, but you're still working at it. Good luck!

@buddah1too I’ll have to admit last night I took one to help me sleep. But every night before that I took one because of pain. The ER doctor told me that it was ok to take it with the Valium as long as they were spread apart from each other. My last Valium is usually between 2-3 in the afternoon and the muscle relaxer I take is always around 7.

I took just Tylenol for pain today.

Thank you so much, Buddha.

I'm hurts to hear that your mood is going south. Do you think your AP is contributing to depression?

I’m kind of down right now. I’m using a heating pad on my stomach to see if that helps. I have no idea If heat is actually proven to help with anxiety, but if it works it works. I did take my meds and an extra Valium. None of which are making a difference. Maybe I’m just expecting too much of the Valium. It says it’s quick working but maybe it does take longer then 10 minutes to work.

I was thinking of getting chili’s or pizza for dinner but since I don’t use food to cope with my emotions I don’t think it will make a difference in how I feel. Plus I’m not too hungry anyways.

I’m hoping to get some major relief and some good news tomorrow. When I “get”my “period” and can call around for therapists.

Well it’s not hard when you’re not dating an alcoholic/addict.

When you take meds by mouth, it takes at least 20 minutes to work.

Years ago I had needed my husband to hold my meds. I filled up a weeks worth in a med box and had zero access to any amount that could actually hurt me. Honestly it takes alot of strength to hand over meds when you are just not safe. Take good care of you

That's a possibility, but my sleep has improved a bit. I will hold off on stopping...especially because I'm on a relatively high dose. There's also been a lot of situational stuff going on. Thanks for your concern, Beth.

Beth I give you huge props for being able to open your windows until it becomes to unbearable. Our home is 2200 sq ft. I keep all the registers closed to the 3 bedrooms back there. Even so It would cost a ton more for me to turn off and on. Even going on the porch is becoming difficult for me at times. I despise the heat.

Im very happy to know that your anxiety is getting more tolerable.

Oh I would certainly move also. Sometimes a new place can make such a huge difference. When will you hear if you get it or not???

Beautiful !!!

Buddah Thank you so much for the kind words I agree with the others .. right now might not to a good time to reduce meds until things level off with lots of changes coming

Wash Rinse Repeat