Bipolar check-in #56

We passed 1000 post on the old thread, here’s the new one.

Thanks, Nammu

I neeeed to reign myself in. I’ve been fluctuating all day. I’ve got a haze of depression over me but at the same time I cleaned the kitchen and living room completely. But I also went out to the store and bought some more ****. I was strolling through the store screaming internally to GET OUT before I spent any more money. I’m like spending kind of impulsively. I bought 8 tops, I already have a drawer full. I bought decorative plants. I bought two new candles to make my living room “look right”. And it was all on credit cards. And I got two doctors bills totaling a bout $350 plus a water bill for another $110. Like wtf am I doing?

I’ve got to plant myself firmly at home tomorrow. Go out only to walk. And I need to move my Amazon app or at least remove my cards from being saved. That’ll make me think twice.

I can do more of a deep clean on the kitchen tomorrow and clean the bathroom and our bedroom. The spare room is clean. And I’ll start up some lanyard keychains.

I am back. I had to ask the moderators to temporarily ban me for a month. I just needed a break and just not logging out wouldn’t have been good enough. But I am doing well. I literally just moved into my new house today. We packed up the old one yesterday and stayed at a hotel overnight. Then moved today. The movers were awesome. My room is sort of unpacked but I have a lot to do. I am so glad to be finally moved and I feel great in my new house.

I missed my old therapist for weeks. She was basically all I could think of. My new therapist is very nice and open minded. She’s a bit strange but I’m getting used to her. I now have no more telehealth appointments since my new one does in person sessions. Video sessions were the worst for me. I had heard from my Pdoc at the end of March that the therapists were going back to office in April. And I was so devastated since my move wasn’t until yesterday. I thought I’d be able to see the old one in person a few times before I moved. So a couple weeks ago I did a kind of risky thing and I had my mom email the old one saying that I heard from Pdoc she was going back to in person and that it really upset me. I had no idea what I expected from the email. But My old T sent a very nice email back saying that my Pdoc overstated and the majority of the therapists aren’t going back to in person. She said she may never go back to in person even when things get back to normal. She said she hopes I continue to be successful with my new therapist and my move goes well.

So I’m still getting used to not being with old my therapist but today I barely thought of her. I just thought of the new one and I was focused on moving.

I also got my first Covid shot on April 20th. I have to figure out how to get the second one where I live now but with the surplus of vaccines, I shouldn’t have an issue. I’m a bit nervous about the second one. The first one knocked me out for 24 hours and caused major nausea. But I talked to my primary doctor and he reassured me it was safe.

But yeah I’m doing good. My surgery is on the 4th of June. Preop was last week and it went well. so I’m just moving and getting ready for the surgery. I’ll probably get back to work in August.

I hope everyone is doing well.

Thanks Nammu. I linked this thread on the old one.

Thanks rainbow, I don’t have my desktop anymore so I can’t post the link.

No problem. I was mostly posting that I did it so I would receive notices on this thread .

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I am back. ...

Welcome back! I'm glad you're okay.

I alternating between being okay and not. I only have a week left before I see the Dr. US tomorrow.

Ate a whole pint of Ben and Jerry's! I feel gluttonous.

Watching Grace and Frankie. Love this show. It's on Netflix.

what surgery? I missed something along the way. only share if you want to of course.
bizi

@wildflowerchild25, your insight into what you believe is overspending is huge. That's great when we can take actions to shield ourselves from such impulses. I do assume you are otherwise feeling better, mood-wise? If so, it would be wonderful if you could maintain a good mood, but without any manic type impulsivity. After your recent challenges you deserve a pleasant reprieve. I know you've had a most challenging year with various things, including a move. On the latter, I hope you like your new home.

@BethRags, I do hope your headaches stop. That would suck if it came to you having to go to the ER.

I rested yesterday, doing sensory-deprivation to calm my hypomania and super-charge my recovery from my shopping odyssey from the day before. I shopped for 3.5 hours plus transit!

Whoosh, my senses were overloaded! I got everything done tho: groceries, big box store, dentist and optometrist. I was even on time for my dentist appointment and it was the third thing. I had to time everything just so.

Glad i gave myself extra time as the mall is all effed up due to COVID. The mall is about a kilometer around from the outside, it's a renovated formerly outdoor strip mall that has been re-imagined as a lovely and stunning enclosed mall with a soaring open atrium and skylights cut into the corridor ceilings.

Unfortunately, due to COVID only the center main doors are open so i had to walk all around the mall to get from the big box at one end to the bulk store at the other. To boot, i forgot my glasses at one point and had to back-track and also forgot about the alternate door closures at the beginning and walked all the way down to the big box store only to find i had to back-track to the main doors.

Effed-up or what? Plus there's no where to sit and rest due to COVID removing all the comfortable sofas-like benches that are usually strewn around the mall (it's really a comfortable mall) so i was relegated to sitting on a garden retaining wall outside -- hard on the bum. During the rest of my journey i did discover two outside benches but they've both seen better days. Ah, COVID nonsense!

I got many nice things tho including vanilla whey protein powder at the bulk store, 27g of protein for 130 cals -- extremely high-profile as the dieticians say, meaning the ratio of *nutrition : cals* is very good. It's been settling fine, i've had it twice now so i can finally lay my fears of not getting enough protein to rest.

I also got raspberries, green grapes and apples -- foods i haven't been able to eat in years due to my teeth being sensitive. But since the dentist painted a temporary protective layer on them, they're fine! So, yay for fruit! It's so pretty...

I felt binge-y a couple times yesterday, from sensory-deprivation being so boring even tho i allow quiet music from my library (NO RADIO), so i just had an apple once and a spicy tomato juice another time and was fine. So another day binge-free to add to the pile! I am in my third week of dieting!

I have an appointment with my doctor on Monday to discuss some of my issues. Not sure if he is specialized enough to assess me himself. He's a young guy, so maybe. I'll probably have to be referred to a specialist to be assessed for Binge Eating Disorder (BED) tho. We'll see.

I also want to discuss the dull pain in my side, if it's fatty live from two decades of eating poorly, mostly pop and chips, so it'll be good to give that some attention too. Then there is the status of my benzo taper to discuss. It's on hold until my insomnia heals, probably when Spring passes. So lots to talk about with him!

Still sore today, so another day of sensory-deprivation and it's too bad because it's nice weather but the sun just fries my aching brain. Will get my dog outside to enjoy the morning tho at 7:00am for an hour. I owe her that. Plus my neighbors come out at 8:00am so it'll be nice to have a little tame socializing with them.

Well, off to dry my hair! Have been showering daily!!! Yay for fresh hair!!!!!

My husband put a great deal of effort into making my big birthday a nice one. Under "normal" circumstances, I would have loved to have been in Vienna, but covid didn't allow that. My sister-in-law gave me two open-date tickets to each of two art museums in Vienna. So it will eventually happen, and we'll have some nice things to do, when it does. My sister also bought me some nice gifts, and also arranged to send me a beautiful flower arrangement on behalf of our father. I heard nothing from my brother. Frankly, I'm growing quite disappointed with him. He's becoming a Trump cult member, plus even though he loves to ***** about "leeches on society" he is basically a leech on my father's bank account. Hypocrisy is widespread.

Halfway through yesterday my mood dipped. I did feel a little overwhelmed by all of the gifts and flowers from so many people in Czech Republic. Yes, of course it was lovely of them all, but with gifts there must be adequate thank yous. Of course I was thankful, but the need to make lots of calls and write lots of emails was stressful. In the years since the worst of my illness started, I've had difficulty with "expectations". It's my issue, though.

Tomorrow I have another in-person session with my Czech therapist. It'll maybe be my sixth? I confess that I'm not clicking with her. I feel she doesn't get my situation. I do have a history of difficulties with therapists, but I have had three (or maybe four) really helpful ones that I appreciated greatly. Since my third session with her, I've wanted to quit her before my upcoming appointments. I didn't because I don't want to be rash. I have very much warmed up to a couple therapists after several sessions of not. I'll admit that I want to quit her even today. In contrast, I feel pretty good about my new Czech psychiatrist.

I am much calmer today. I have no desire to run around and buy things. I don’t feel the need to compulsively clean either. So that’s good. I’m feeling much more even keel.

I’m worried that zyprexa will cause serious weight gain though. Everything I’ve read says it has the highest rate of weight gain aside from clozapine. I’ve been seriously hungry and craving food I don’t normally crave and I’ve gained three pounds in the last two weeks so far. I’m also missing words and forgetting things that transpired recently along with having trouble concentrating.

Honestly I’d rather try seroquel XR again. I know that causes weight gain too but maybe I’ll be able to control myself. Plus I remember it was very effective when I was on it years ago. I only quit because it was making me too drowsy and I had to work. But I won’t be going back to work until September now so that will give me plenty of time to adjust.
I have to call my HR director, my social worker from the hospital, and my disability company to figure out how this is all supposed to be handled. Any other time from work wouldn’t be a problem but since it’s the end of the year and I get summer pay I’m not sure how it’s supposed to go down.

It’s some corrective surgery for my chest. It’s basically just liposuction.

Last night my sister and her family came over and brought steak and burgers for dinner. They are about 15 minutes away which is great. I got up at 5:15. I didn’t take my Geodon and go back to sleep so I was pretty tired. My mom and I went to Walmart since we didn’t have milk and eggs and other necessity's. I felt like a zombie the whole time despite getting Starbucks before. My mom kept asking if I wanted stuff and that she was paying. I only got a thing of yogurt though. I felt better after we left Walmart and got into the car and I drank the other half of my coffee. We then stopped at another grocery store and I got some stuff there. I came home and I got my room unpacked. I thought I had most of it done yesterday but I found a lot of stuff I had packed awhile ago. So I was kinda frustrated trying to figure out stuff. But I got it done and made a bag for Goodwill. Then I picked up my cats from the boarders. They are confused but ok.

But I feel pretty good here. I am glad I set things up in March with my new therapist, and my Pdoc will be the same, and my primary is the same one for right now. Plus my sister is so close. I feel very supported.

Still not 100%. The migraine or whatever it is is subsiding, but I feel afraid to move very much, for fear of setting it off again. I'm not as dizzy, but still a little bit. The nausea is not bad right now.


Even though I'm feeling a bit tentative about it I'm relieved to hear of the CDC's "okay" that vaccinated people don't have to wear masks as much. Of course, who knows who is really vaxxed. Still, I so wish stores would drop mandatory masks. What a relief that would be.

The mask thing has me wondering too. But because of the break out cases. My aunt almost died from Covid a couple weeks ago and she was fully vaccinated for 2 months. I wonder if I’d look goofy or concerning if I kept my mask on after the mandate was lifted. My mom and I still won’t eat out or go shopping after 8:30AM on weekdays when the stores are empty and she’s fully vaccinated and I’ve had one shot.

I'll be wearing a mask in public for a long time yet. Don't worry about how you look, worry about what you feel you need to do to feel safe. That's going to vary from person to person depending on comfort level. Mine is this: I went to church a few weeks ago to a service where masks and social distancing were required. The distancing was fine but everyone took off their masks. When masks are not required I'll go back to church and be the only one wearing a mask but I'll go. I hadn't been going since the bad experience.

For me I'm at higher risk of getting really sick if I would get it (I'm fully vaccinated so unlikely) because I have asthma. I can't take steroids for my asthma without risking an IP stay for psych caused by the steroids. I have no desire to do this so I'll be wearing a mask until numbers are lower and more people in my community (a rather highliy anti-vaxer area) have had the vaccines.

It's kind of a compromise in my head.