advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
Soupe du jour
Elder
Soupe du jour has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jun 2015
Location: Czechia
Posts: 5,149
8 yr Member
13.4k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 13, 2021 at 07:16 AM
  #21
Quote:
Originally Posted by whatever2013 View Post
@RoxanneToto and all:

Thanks for sharing your story with me. I feel similar, that i don't have the inner resources for someone who is going to be flaky. Sure, it's possible she had an emergency, perhaps even got COVID, horrid as that would be.

But i remember being in the hospital recovering from an emergency appendectomy and i still made two calls to cancel plans with friends. I want someone who will do the same for me.

Hugs,

Jane.



I totally understand Alive99's reaction to your last paragraph, unfortunately. However, I know gems like you do exist, whatever2013. Your reaction to call those friends from the hospital is the ideal (and recommended) situation, when it is possible.

There are a lot of sad double standards out there. Like when some people (certainly not all) are hospitalized in a psych hospital and don't get the same well-wishes as ones who go in for a surgery or recovery from an accident or sudden health issue. Obviously a person in a psych hospital may not get the department "fruit basket", there are such things as get well cards. I got nothing during any of my 10 psychiatric hospitalizations. Even my husband was the only person to even visit me, even though my siblings and father lived only 30 mins from the hospital and my home. When my husband told my dad that I was in the hospital, he simply said "Tell her to give me a call when she gets out and feels better." And believe me, I was always a loving daughter and sister. Maybe we weren't joined at the hip, but it was still sad. When my nephew was in the hospital a few times, I visited him. When my brother was in the hospital because of his heart, I visited and supported him. Some people just don't. I don't know that one can call them heartless, but some people are just different. In any case, I was one of the last people my nephew saw before he died by suicide. He took me out to lunch, and treated me. So, it's true that such caring means a lot. I just wished I could have even done more. Perhaps if I had been well, I would have?

I remember not only contributing money but also participating in the walk for a work colleague's efforts for the Susan Komen Breast Cancer Walk (her mother had breast cancer). But that same colleague didn't even send an email of sympathy when my mother died of cancer, suddenly. [Her mother survived.] Or when my youngest nephew lost his life to suicide from bipolar depression. You know, even the colleagues that hated my guts could have still shown some kind of consideration. But they didn't. It's a sad pill to swallow, but again "C'est la vie!" And to note, I had never done anything negative to that work colleague. Not that I haven't to others, for one reason or another. We all have our failings. I've fallen off the map, neglecting friends.

It's not always fair to judge those who seem to give less and receive more. Mental illness makes it hard, sometimes. Even without mental illness, some lead (as Walt Whitman wrote) "lives of quiet desperation". In any case, those who give should get some understanding and thanks. Those that keep giving for nothing almost seem like saints. We're not all cut out to be saints. Some of us, including myself, have grown weary, at times.

Maybe that online friend panicked. It's hard to know. Unless I'm misunderstanding, you were both exploring a same-sex relationship? Perhaps the lady was just less confident than you about such a step. Not that that minimizes your anxiety. But we aren't all as ready as others. I admire your strength very much, whatever2013! So many of the things you've written about have been inspirational, lately. Maybe the friendship with that online friend is over. Maybe not. But you have good friendships with many others. Keep reaching out for another friend. Keep reaching and someone will take your hand.
Soupe du jour is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous41462, bizi, buddha1too, mssweatypalms, RoxanneToto, Uykulu
 
Thanks for this!
*Beth*, Alive99, bizi, mssweatypalms, RoxanneToto, Uykulu

advertisement
mssweatypalms
Member
 
mssweatypalms's Avatar
mssweatypalms is searching for something.
 
Member Since: May 2021
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 242
2 yr Member
476 hugs
given
Default Jun 13, 2021 at 08:11 AM
  #22
I'm sorry you're going through this. Rejection has always been my biggest fear. Most of my triggers are connected to rejection. I'm really bad at handling it. One person who rejected me told me, "Rejection is a part of life. You should get used to it." I wanted to punch him in the face. I know it, but it still hurts. Knowing something is painful doesn't relieve the pain.


It must hurt a lot, so I hope you'll be able to get through this.
mssweatypalms is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
*Beth*, Anonymous41462, bizi, buddha1too, RoxanneToto, Soupe du jour, Uykulu
 
Thanks for this!
bizi, Soupe du jour, Uykulu
Anonymous41462
Guest
Anonymous41462 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Jun 13, 2021 at 01:09 PM
  #23
@Soupe du jour and @mssweatypalms and all:

Soupe, you make me feel better. I don't know how much more "reaching out" i can do tho as i feel my high mood winding down. This is the second day i've spent hiding inside.

It's entirely possible that CG is unsure of her bi-sexuality, but surely she could communicate THAT, instead of just blowing me off. I invested a lot in courting her, the least she could have done is asked for some time to figure herself out. It would have been the humane thing to do, not just give me her number and ask me to call and commit to a phone date...

And then just not pick-up or send me any apology or explanation.

Mssweatypalms, thanks for the support. Rejection is a trigger for me too, probably from seeing my parent reject my older siblings, one-by-one. Also, my divorce at 29 has left wounds which haven't healed.

I'm 54 now, maybe they never will. This experience with CG has certainly got me wondering if romance is just too intense for me, given my mental illness. I certainly don't want to spend more days on end trying to heal from rejection.

I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO!!!!!

Jane.


  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
*Beth*, Alive99, bizi, buddha1too, mssweatypalms, RoxanneToto, Soupe du jour, unaluna, Uykulu
 
Thanks for this!
Alive99, bizi, RoxanneToto
Alive99
Veteran Member
Alive99 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2020
Location: Hungary
Posts: 505
3 yr Member
172 hugs
given
Default Jun 13, 2021 at 06:53 PM
  #24
Quote:
Originally Posted by whatever2013 View Post
It's entirely possible that CG is unsure of her bi-sexuality, but surely she could communicate THAT, instead of just blowing me off. I invested a lot in courting her, the least she could have done is asked for some time to figure herself out. It would have been the humane thing to do, not just give me her number and ask me to call and commit to a phone date...

And then just not pick-up or send me any apology or explanation.

Oh yeah, exactly! I keep forgetting how it feels to actually feel and be convinced of how it's not okay to just ghost like that. I had this "friend" and they tried to make me feel like it's not even normal for me to not like that. Like I gotta think up excuses and accept it. Like I gotta have empathy for their crappy behaviour but not empathy for my own reaction, my own feelings about it??


Like, the fact of focusing on the other person (who's done the not-so-acceptable thing) and on their feelings is going to be invalidating to our own feelings. It simply keeps the focus on the other person even though THEY did the problematic behaviour. And then it is going to end up as an excuse for the behaviour. Is how it is for me. Maybe that's just me but it's how it is anyway.


I mean yes maybe this woman who ghosted you like that there "just panicked", and that could be understandable, the *feeling itself*, but it doesn't make the ghosting any more acceptable whatsoever because it's still damaging for the other person who's being ghosted (you in this case). Like, you can of course get over this, but it's still energy and effort you have to put in to get over it like you yourself said.

So yeah, maybe someone feels panic or whatever but it doesn't mean they need to act like this. The action is separate from the feeling.

I really don't want anyone to tell me anymore how I shouldn't expect simple things like "but surely she could communicate THAT, instead of just blowing me off" (quote from you). I don't want anyone to try and make me feel like it's "too much to expect", how could it be too much when it takes like two minutes to do?!??!?!!

I really hate that feeling by now, when I get to be made to feel like it's "too much to expect". Even though it's about a thing that does NOT take LONG to do, or take MUCH effort or any of that and it's basic respect and everything. So yeah, it's not rational, to feel like "it's too much to expect". But I've felt that way way too often in the past because of how I was expected to empathise with the person who I was "expecting too much of".


So your post is very validating to me. Thank you.



Quote:
I'm 54 now, maybe they never will. This experience with CG has certainly got me wondering if romance is just too intense for me, given my mental illness. I certainly don't want to spend more days on end trying to heal from rejection.

I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO!!!!!
So true, I so completely agree, lol.


Hope you'll feel better and that you'll be completely over this soon.
Alive99 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous41462, bizi, buddha1too, Soupe du jour, Uykulu
 
Thanks for this!
bizi, Soupe du jour
Alive99
Veteran Member
Alive99 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2020
Location: Hungary
Posts: 505
3 yr Member
172 hugs
given
Default Jun 13, 2021 at 07:10 PM
  #25
Quote:
Originally Posted by Soupe du jour View Post
I totally understand Alive99's reaction to your last paragraph, unfortunately. However, I know gems like you do exist, whatever2013. Your reaction to call those friends from the hospital is the ideal (and recommended) situation, when it is possible.

My reaction was because I was too often expected to accept such flaky and uncaring (yes!!) behaviour in the past.

If I wanted to talk about it, to sort it out, I would receive manipulative blame in response, various deflections, drama, and the expectation that I should not expect "too much" of the person. I was told in various ways that I'm expecting too much, that it's NOT normal to want to be treated with respect and not taken for granted and so on. That it's NOT normal to want to be in contact when it's supposed to be a close friendship. Etc.....


I'm also sick by now of stuff like, "you didn't express yourself right and that's why they wouldn't care to hear you". Firstly, what is "expressing right"? No such thing apparently. Secondly, what matters is the topic, not how well I managed to express about it. If someone lets the latter overwrite the importance of the former, I don't even want to talk to that person ever again. It's how sick I am of it by now.



Quote:
We all have our failings. I've fallen off the map, neglecting friends.
But if they were in serious trouble, you were there for people is what you are saying. And I was made to feel like it's not normal to want people to be there for me when I'm in a crisis.

What I was instead told was that I'm "always in a crisis" and "sorry that I didn't pay attention to this one crisis of yours of many". (That was obviously a complete lie by the way, that I was always in a crisis)

Things like that.



Quote:
Maybe that online friend panicked. It's hard to know. Unless I'm misunderstanding, you were both exploring a same-sex relationship? Perhaps the lady was just less confident than you about such a step. Not that that minimizes your anxiety. But we aren't all as ready as others.
I think your idea of trying to empathise with the person who did the harmful or otherwise unacceptable behaviour can be good for one thing: to help understand that their behaviour isn't about us but about them, so it doesn't reflect on us.

But I think such empathetic explanations of why the other person did the harmful or otherwise unacceptable behaviour end up invalidating if it doesn't include the empathetic explanation for how we feel about the behaviour and how it's harmful or otherwise unacceptable.

Actually, I think that is what should be explained first, empathy towards the injured party needs to be expressed first before expressing empathy towards/about the other person doing the behaviour.

This way there won't be a risk of it being invalidating. This way it avoids biases, if the concern is to be impartial in the first place.

Do I make sense? Let me know.
Alive99 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous41462, bizi, buddha1too, Soupe du jour, Uykulu
 
Thanks for this!
Uykulu
Soupe du jour
Elder
Soupe du jour has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jun 2015
Location: Czechia
Posts: 5,149
8 yr Member
13.4k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 14, 2021 at 02:22 AM
  #26
Whatever2013 (Jane), if in any way my response further above invalidated your pain, I apologize. I hope you know that was not my intention. I care about you and am sorry you are hurt. I certainly understand your side on this. You've been honest the whole way through your interactions. I very much value you as an online friend. You give so much and are a most beautiful and strong person.
Soupe du jour is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous41462, bizi, Uykulu
 
Thanks for this!
bizi
Anonymous41462
Guest
Anonymous41462 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Jun 14, 2021 at 03:08 AM
  #27
@Alive99 and @Soupe du jour and all:

My policy is this:

"If someone does a bad thing, the reason why doesn't matter. They have still done the bad thing. Motivations don't matter, only actions."

That's an adage i try and live by. It makes life a lot easier and more successful. I'm not wasting another moment worrying about CG. She can go F herself!!!

I have better things to do!!!!!

Alive99, i totally agree with you. You expressed the problem very succinctly. Sorry you have been on the receiving end of this bu!!$h:/. WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST OWN THEIR BAD BEHAVIOR??? Good for you for not letting people weasel out of things!!!

Hugs,

Jane.


  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Alive99, bizi, mssweatypalms, Uykulu
 
Thanks for this!
Alive99, bizi
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 08:09 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.