Crashing.

Frustration-tolerance way down low again. Was short with my dog. Told her to go away... And she did it! I've had her for eight years and never told her to go away so i didn't expect anything but she has slunk into the bedroom, leaving me alone as i wish.

I worked out on the Scoop, just ten minutes until i get stronger, it works muscles you don't use in everyday life, so it's quite a challenge. It's for fitness of course but also for improving balance as i have fallen three times recently.

I 'm doing two loads of laundry, tidied all the smothered surfaces in here, did one load of dishes, popped a batch of low-cal popcorn as my weigh-in was shi!!y this morning and am pooped and it's not even 1p.

I feel kind of aggressive and violent. Just so frustrated with the unpleasantness yesterday then this morning my neighbor rejected me to go run off and be with another neighbor, then all this effing strenuous work.

Won't act on it, but the feeling is there.

The online friendship imploding was the catalyst for all this bu!!$hit.

Don't know why i let myself get involved that way, was doing fine before.

Well, depression-time. I've made it later in the Summer than ever before, so it's still a sign of good things to come and i will just have to be warier of relationships in the future, online or IRL.

Hugs,

Sweet Jane.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Lizzie1813

I’m so sorry you aren’t feeling well. I can understand wanting to feel “normal.” I hope you get some relief from your anxiety. Have you ever tried holding an ice pack on the back of your neck or on your chest? Doing that helps me some. I also keep popsicles on hand to suck on when my anxiety is bad. I hope you feel better soon.

Thanks Lizzie

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Lizzie1813

Congratulations on getting settled into your new apartment! Moving is a big job. I lost my wind chimes somehow when I moved. I should get some more. I love the sound.

I’m sure you’re doing a wonderful job job caring for Sid. Sending hugs.

Thank you so much, Lizzie. I awoke feeling down this morning...your post has picked up my spirit.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Lizzie1813

Has anyone heard of the herb Ashwagandha? I was searching for OTC remedies for anxiety (before my pdoc prescribed buspirone) and discovered it. I ordered some, and it’s supposed to be here today. Not sure if I should take it or not.

Yes, I have heard of it...can't recall what it is used for, though.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

The last week or more I've had very low energy, a lot of bad symptoms, I've been neglecting things I usually accomplish easily. I wish I was ''normal''.. or that my heart didn't hurt so much, I would love it if the anxiety let up a bit too...it is very severe. I'm low on benzos, maybe a refill in a week or so... I have some old seroquel which I took before in ''emergencies'' but the rash caused worsens the depression and pain...

I'm sorry you're having a bad time of it right now, Fuzzy.

[Mountaindewed]

I had a Xanax this morning. Then I took a Valium a few minutes ago. I know I’d get into who knows what type of trouble if I told my team I was now mixing benzos. But I only have a few Xanax. I was kinda desperate last night and I dug around in my top dresser drawer where I put all my junk and I didn’t find any so then I got my duffel bag I use for trips out and found about 5 of them deep in the bottom of the bag. That I don’t think is good behavior at all. I took a Xanax then along with my 160mil of Geodon.

Which just reminds me I’ve been so concerned with these theatre tickets and my delivery that I totally forgot to take my Geodon 20mil. I would normally have taken that a couple hours ago. So no wonder my anxiety is crappy all of a sudden.

Edit: now the whole med situation is messed up again. I just took the 20mil Geodon. I often take my lamictal and propalanol in 15 minutes so I should probably hold off on that. Which means my melatonin and my 160mil Geodon are now also pushed back. I don’t know. Maybe that just means I’ll sleep better tonight and I won’t wake up at 1:40 like I did last night.

And forget about eating anything today. I’ve had 670 calories but I am too distracted to focus on food. I did just eat some Chinese noodles though. I think my Valium makes me not hungry.

[Scooter9]

I'm back from my trip, it was nice.

Unpacking today, doing laundry, and going through photos.

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by Lizzie1813

Has anyone heard of the herb Ashwagandha? I was searching for OTC remedies for anxiety (before my pdoc prescribed buspirone) and discovered it. I ordered some, and it’s supposed to be here today. Not sure if I should take it or not.

I know there’s an over the counter anxiety med called Calm. I’ve seen it at Sams Club. I have no idea if it works or not. I’d ask your doctor before you use it though.

The feelings of aggression and violence have passed. Something about doing laundry is so unpleasant. We have communal laundry on each floor and it's such an ordeal, slamming doors, locking up, organizing coins, detergent strips, timing it all, the dryer at eleventy-hundred degrees no matter what setting, hauling the heavy clothes up and down the haul, remembering my mask...

It's a nightmare.

I even ordered a portable washer online for light things to use in the privacy of my own home but it was a scam and they just sent me a pail!

I feel better because i set up my indoor garden that i've been dreading but it was easy so that's one more thing off my endless to-do list.

My dog and i are getting along fine again. I guess i just spent too much time away from home and things slid. Now that i'm back organized i feel better.

I'm sleeping well so i don't know why i feel so exhausted. I guess just the emotional rollercoaster of the excitement and then the seismic disappointment of the relationship imploding and starting working-out, gently as it may be.

Being three rejectOR is only slightly less painful than being the rejectEE. And i miss him... I'm back to feeling all alone and that there's no one to share the great art i like with...

Should i try and repair the relationship?

Hugs,

Sweet Jane.

[Nammu]

Just ran errands. The computer place is only open Tuesday-Thursday from 10am to 4 pm so I’ll have to try tomorrow. The pharmacist is just as frustrated with the latuda as I am. I never used to run out, it was auto filled for 90 days. Suddenly their computer dropped it. And now I can only get it 30 days at a time. Last night I was filling my box and ran out. : sigh: first world troubles! That’s all my troubles are, just first world troubles so I should put them into perspective and be grateful. 🙏 I have food to eat, a roof over my head and all the necessary things like toilet paper are stocked. So…..breath!

[Lizzie1813]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Yes, I have heard of it...can't recall what it is used for, though.

According to the site (nourish.naturemade.com), it’s for stress and anxiety. I went ahead and took one. Not sure if it’ll help or not, but it’s worth a try.

[Mountaindewed]

I told you my French vanilla fantasy was going to continue to work out today. My delivery came, intact and undamaged. Then an hour later my doctors office called to set up my hysterectomy. He’s booked until October 1st. Which is honestly not as bad as I thought. Although I was also wishing to get in sooner. I have a preop ultrasound and exam on the 22nd of September. Then after the surgery recovery is about 6 weeks but I should be all good for my trip on November 18th. I just have the anticipatory anxiety now which I will work on with my therapists. I know my top surgery will have been just about a year after I get the hysterectomy. So I feel like the timing is good. I was hoping to be back at work in October. But I honestly just want to be stable like I am being told I will be after the surgery. But recovering from a hysterectomy for trans men is tough both physically and mentally. More then the top surgery. So with my SAD starting at the same time, things could be pretty rough. But it will pay off a couple months after and hopefully my new therapist will be helpful.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

.... Then an hour later my doctors office called to set up my hysterectomy. ...

Wow, that is MAJOR! I'm excited for you, Md!

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

....
I even ordered a portable washer online for light things to use in the privacy of my own home but it was a scam and they just sent me a pail!

...

That is crazy!

I'm not sure of how to advise you on the relationship. I'm inclined to say No. Let it go.

[Sunflower123]

Brother came through surgery well. They put in rods and screws. I don’t know anything but that he’s in his hospital room eating dinner. Great news! My sister took mom down to see him since I’ve been with mom (who has been praying and crying literally all day) so long. I’m relaxing and taking it easy tonight. I’ve done my duty…getting mom through surgery and recovery. I did get about 30 minutes of float time in this morning. So relaxing!

Tomorrow starts placing more subtle boundaries and barriers in place as I create a fuller life. It’s needed now more than ever. Very appreciative tonight of my sister who has stepped up and stepped in.

I hope everybody has a good day tomorrow

[~Christina]

Well the kids made it home okay. Steve so needed to see them. I do hope his oldest Son comes up with Payton soon.

Well we have set up the dogs to be boarded first week of September so we can go down for Paytons 6th Birthday. We are going to stay at my daughters tiny one bedroom apartment. That will keep us out of staying at another nasty crack hotel. This isn't saving us any money as boarding our dogs is so expensive.. But at least I will be able to cook meals at my daughters, Being Diabetic now we cant eat cheap fast food.

Am I looking forward to this trip? No.. No I am just not. Many of you know how trips to Florida just destabilizes me mentally and physically issues become ever worse.

2 Years ago I told my husband that I simply will not be gone from home more than 10 days.. Now that we are boarding the dogs we just can not stay longer than a week, So that actually is a plus.

I am grateful beyond belief that the NP was fine about my staying on Xanax. My T had emailed her and also spoke to her in person so I am sure that is why things are being left as is. Due to being Diabetic and having taken a gazillion psych meds over the years that all failed for some reason or another. I honestly do not have any options medication wise. So I am going to have to white knuckle my Bipolar life.

As expected my pain level is in a danger zone. I hope that somehow this hellish Fibro flare will be gone quickly but usually its weeks..

Please do not name names but a very missed person on here wanted me to tell everyone hello and she is hoping to get back on here soon. Its been a damn year !!! The whole situation is just plain awful... I have been in constant contact from day 1..

Well I have 6 eyeballs staring me down.. I'm 4 mins late feeding my fur babies ! They act starved... Spoiled Spoiled Spoiled..

Good thoughts, Hugs and Love to everyone

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by BethRags

That is crazy!

I'm not sure of how to advise you on the relationship. I'm inclined to say No. Let it go.

I agree. Let it go. You don't want to set up a cycle of break ups and make ups.

[Moose72]

N3 and gf are at the movies. I am waiting for them to call when it's over

[wildflowerchild25]

I was struggling again this morning with anxiety and a sort of “flashback”. It’s not like a real flashback but I think feeling so upset yesterday sent me back to the beginning of the summer when I was out of control of my mind and it scared me. I was panicked thinking about the fact that I only have one month until school starts and I was telling myself I have to have my **** together or else I’ll be right back where I was. But I’m trying to be gentle with myself and reminding myself that I have come a long way in three months. Work is not a stressor for me, it’s actually quite the opposite. Most days I enjoy my time there and it distracts me from my own issues.

I am just worried about how I will handle anxiety and stress when I’m there. I have found that when I’m quite anxious I need to grab onto something to keep me in the here and now. Right now I use my unicorn but clearly I can’t bring a stuffed animal to work! I looked on Etsy and found some lavender scented stress balls filled with flaxseed so they have some weight to them. Those are portable and discreet. I ordered them, they weren’t expensive and it’s worth a shot.

I was planning to exercise today but of course I ended up with a headache from all the internal stress. I was also exhausted, I’ve only been taking 50mg seroquel at night and I think my body is adjusting to the lower dose. The lower dose is probably more sedating.

I was beating myself up tonight because dinner came out terrible. The pork was cooked in a crockpot but still came out super dry and gray, which wasn’t really appetizing. I made gravy from the juices to go with it to try to counteract the dryness so it was edible but I still feel bad. I put an incredible weight in my own shoulders about providing dinner, again From my childhood. I’m always convinced my boys won’t like it or beating myself up because it was “too simple”. This is ALL in my own mind, my boys have said numerous times they love my food.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

....

Good, good that you don't have to stay away from home for more than a week.


Please tell that person hello from me