[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I was struggling again this morning with anxiety and a sort of “flashback”. It’s not like a real flashback but I think feeling so upset yesterday sent me back to the beginning of the summer when I was out of control of my mind and it scared me. I was panicked thinking about the fact that I only have one month until school starts and I was telling myself I have to have my **** together or else I’ll be right back where I was. But I’m trying to be gentle with myself and reminding myself that I have come a long way in three months. Work is not a stressor for me, it’s actually quite the opposite. Most days I enjoy my time there and it distracts me from my own issues.

I am just worried about how I will handle anxiety and stress when I’m there. I have found that when I’m quite anxious I need to grab onto something to keep me in the here and now. Right now I use my unicorn but clearly I can’t bring a stuffed animal to work! I looked on Etsy and found some lavender scented stress balls filled with flaxseed so they have some weight to them. Those are portable and discreet. I ordered them, they weren’t expensive and it’s worth a shot.

I was planning to exercise today but of course I ended up with a headache from all the internal stress. I was also exhausted, I’ve only been taking 50mg seroquel at night and I think my body is adjusting to the lower dose. The lower dose is probably more sedating.

I was beating myself up tonight because dinner came out terrible. The pork was cooked in a crockpot but still came out super dry and gray, which wasn’t really appetizing. I made gravy from the juices to go with it to try to counteract the dryness so it was edible but I still feel bad. I put an incredible weight in my own shoulders about providing dinner, again From my childhood. I’m always convinced my boys won’t like it or beating myself up because it was “too simple”. This is ALL in my own mind, my boys have said numerous times they love my food.

~~~~~


~~~~~

I see your points @BethRags and @Moose72, but this guy is really special. I meet about one guy every ten years that i really connect with and i value that connection highly.

It makes me feel so alone to like authors and musicians and visual artists and directors and have NO ONE to talk about them with. It's very isolating. I've mentioned that i am wild about the late American author David Foster Wallace (DFW) here many times and this guy is the only one who read him AND commented intelligently on DFW's work.

I've posted links to an online short story that has bearing here as it is about a depressed person and yet this guy was the only one who gave me his time and shared my joy in DFW's work and even tried his novel, his magnum opus.

Moose, imagine if someone followed up on the music pieces you mention.
Wouldn't that be very precious to you? To be able to share your passions?
To broaden each others horizons by introducing each other to favorite artists and share joy in them?

Because of this guy i now know the work of the late Russian director Andrei Tarkovsky and the music of Miles Davis. I am a better person for having known this guy and who knows what else he has to teach me?

We're both in agreement that it will be a platonic long-distance relationship by email, essentially a friendship of pen-pals. We got excited and talked about a visit and ZOOMed but neither of us really want that, we just got over-excited.

I feel so lonely without him and so isolated. Me, all alone with my passions for the arts and no one to talk to about them.

Sure, he has some baggage, but so do i. He maybe used bad judgment by telling me all about his weaknesses in a ten (10) paragraph email, but he was in a rush and maybe he forgot himself, forgot that i'm not a bottomless well of support.

I've asked for a second chance, realizing that i was too quick to react when he confided his weaknesses. He used bad judgment in telling me about them and i used bad judgment in over-reacting to them, so we are both at fault and i just hope that he can find it in his heart to forgive me.

Hugs,

Sweet Jane.

[Moose72]

@whatever2013 I see your point. I have a long-term email/penpal- since 2003ish- and we are very close. We share our lives through these emails and have gotten to know each other well. We have not met but hope to one day. There are no illusions of becoming more than deep friends. He has a partner (both are eunuchs) and it's all good. What we have is special and I am so glad to have him in my life.

[Moose72]

Dang it! It is going down to 60 tonight and so I opened my window over my bed but then someone disturbed a skunk so I had to quick close the window back up. I don't mind the smell when it's not that close but it does make my asthma act up.

[bizi]

please tell this friend of yours hello and that I miss her.
bizi

[Soupe du jour]

My husband's and my medications are getting more and more complex. The pop out pills exacerbate it. Every time we've called our new GP for medications he's mixed things up or forgotten something. I carefully listed all of the meds we needed, and of course three out of the seven were not sent to the pharmacy system. I'm thinking about trying to slowly stop one of my blood pressure meds. That would still leave me with one, plus a beta blocker that is intended for my tachycardia, but can also help lower blood pressure. I'll monitor it frequently in the near future. If it starts to rise a lot, we'll have to get the GP to FINALLY send the order. That doc also neglected to order my levothyroxine (thyroid). I still have a few weeks of that, but it is not an optional med. My thyroid is shot.

Hubby hasn't helped much with household chores, lately. I wish he'd do a little again.

Well, i'm back on the benzo taper!!! So glad i didn't blow it. I back-slid one more time into the Clonazepam for a total of three times but made it thru the past two days without it and slept fine both nights.

YAY!!!!!

Mornings sure are a lot easier without a benzo hangover. I'm waking up at 6:00am naturally. I'm happy to get-up because of the absurd Seroquel dreams. I'll be happy when i'm off that too but all in good time, my pretties, all in good time.

I feel happy this morning. Thanks for sharing your story with me @Moose72.
You do know some interesting people, i'll say that!!! If that guy i'm trying to re-friend can forgive me, great, but if he can't i will still be okay. There's a woman in my building named Patti and we have a good time together at women's coffee break (solving all the problems of the world!) so when i am strong enough again, i will pursue a friendship with her.

Everything is okay!!!

Hugs,

Jane.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

Well, i'm back on the benzo taper!!! So glad i didn't blow it. I back-slid one more time into the Clonazepam for a total of three times but made it thru the past two days without it and slept fine both nights.

YAY!!!!!

Mornings sure are a lot easier without a benzo hangover. I'm waking up at 6:00am naturally. I'm happy to get-up because of the absurd Seroquel dreams. I'll be happy when i'm off that too but all in good time, my pretties, all in good time.

I feel happy this morning. Thanks for sharing your story with me @Moose72.
You do know some interesting people, i'll say that!!! If that guy i'm trying to re-friend can forgive me, great, but if he can't i will still be okay. There's a woman in my building named Patti and we have a good time together at women's coffee break (solving all the problems of the world!) so when i am strong enough again, i will pursue a friendship with her.

Everything is okay!!!

Hugs,

Jane.

That's lovely!

[Lizzie1813]

Too cute not to share!

[Mountaindewed]

I’m doing ok today. I fell asleep last night at 7:30 instead of 6:30. I slept all the way until 4:40. I was kind of drowsy when I woke up like I had a med hangover but I didn’t take anything extra. I did go to bed on a sort of empty stomach. I had a little bit of salad that was really good and then a white cheddar rice cake. When I woke up this morning I finished the rest of the salad. I had a candy bar too with the salad. Gotta keep up with that variety so I don’t fail.

I went out to do my weekly shopping. I only found chocolate rice cakes. There’s still this weird shortage of them. I got a couple salad kits that are summer flavors. One of them is the kind I had last night. The other one is a blueberry summer salad. Then I went to a gas station and found 3 small bags of the new flavors of Lays Chips. They are dusted with other flavors of chips. One is funyon, one is Cheetos, and one is cool ranch Doritos. The cashier was kinda talking to me like I was a little kid and she said “are you going to try all of these?” And I said “yeah” and then she said “make sure you tell your grandma how they are” my “grandma” was my mom. I know she had me when she was 41 but I don’t think she looks that old. I think it’s me. I’ve been told I dress young. Well sometimes all that fits me is stuff meant for teenagers. I was also told that I have the body shape of a college student.

But today I feel ok overall. I’m not stressing too much about the surgery. I mean it’s still almost 2 months away there’s no point in stressing about it this early. I emailed my therapist yesterday afternoon since she told me I could after I heard something. She hasn’t gotten back to me yet but she usually takes a couple days to respond. I honestly don’t have the feelings I do for her that I had with my transference T. I wish I knew what the difference was. My current T is actually prettier then my transference T and she says the same stuff that when transference T would say to me would make me super horny. but I just don’t feel any attraction to this therapist at all. I don’t get why my feelings for transference T were so intense.

Doesn't look like i'm crashing after all!!!!!

Had my first post-COVID swim! The pool was not warm enough tho. It was still pleasurable and therapeutic to float as @Jennifer 1967 does and ease my aching bod from Scooping and feel the buoyancy and pressure on my flesh. There's even swim noodles now to play with! I had lots of fun, had the whole pool to myself the whole time.

Aah, the peace, the privacy!!!

Before swimming i felt lonely so i called Patti (the neighbor i get along so well with at the coffee social) and just said flat out that i was feeling lonely and did she want to get together in an hour. So we did and i had a rocking good time! She's a hoot!

A great friend for me, much better than that Debbie who talked over me. Patti would never do that. So glad i persevered in my efforts to make friends after i was so devastated by the disappointment with Debbie.

Still no word from my pen-pal and suspect he has gone offline as he did before when he got overwhelmed with other things in his life. No matter, i will enjoy myself and if he ever gets back in touch with me, great but if not i will be fine. There are people every where! Maybe not as special as him tho...

But I WILL SURVIVE!!!!!

Hugs,

Sweet Jane.

[Moose72]

Having hallucinations. Voices telling me to take pills and to shut up! and

Possible trigger:

**** you! and Take them! Take them! Take them!

I talked with my pdoc's nurse and my case manager. They want me to give my meds to someone except tonight and tomorrow morning's. That we would reassess and see if I'm still having these hallucinations then. That if I decide I'm going to take them I should call 911. Why is my life such a mess? I know.... bipolar. *Sigh*

[Nammu]

Oooooooo what a relief! I was googling around looking various things up about the Olympics and clicked on an article about tug of war and caught a virus. It kept telling me to download a anti virus program or in 5 minutes it would destroy my phone, and various threats. I took my iPad to the dr. And it’s all fixed now! Yahoo! The only thing I know how to do is restart it. That didn’t help. Took about an hour. Oh what a relief. My iPad is my only connection to you guys and my email. My phone doesn’t do that. I’m so glad my nephew mentioned this place.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Nammu

Oooooooo what a relief! I was googling around looking various things up about the Olympics and clicked on an article about tug of war and caught a virus. It kept telling me to download a anti virus program or in 5 minutes it would destroy my phone, and various threats. I took my iPad to the dr. And it’s all fixed now! Yahoo! The only thing I know how to do is restart it. That didn’t help. Took about an hour. Oh what a relief. My iPad is my only connection to you guys and my email. My phone doesn’t do that. I’m so glad my nephew mentioned this place.

How scary! Glad it's all fixed now.

@Moose72:

I don't know what to say because i don't have hallucinations but i have never found that a suicide attempt IMPROVES things, it just makes it WORSE because then you've got to recover from the trauma of the attempt PLUS the original suffering.

I've done some research that concluded it's almost impossible to kill yourself with psych meds. You could wind up on a ventilator tho and who wants that? Or organ or brain damage. That would only make life harder and i'm sure you don't want THAT.

Just hang in there, so close to the edge of extinction, to move an inch is to move a thousand miles (Joyce Carol Oates).

I care enough to chime in and only wish i had the skill equal to your situation.
All i can offer is that i care.

Hugs

Sweet Jane.

[Kelly68]

I'm not well at all but the last thing I'd want to do is go to the hospital. I've got too much to worry about. Someone told me I have no worries. That's just wrong... since losing my dad I don't know how to handle anything. Siblings are not good... don't hear from my brother. I should just say oh well who cares after the way theyve always been with me. I really lost some scrupels is about all I can say, I didn't start hearing or seeing things but I started to feel unwell after someone I thought cared about me hurt me deeply. I'd like to go inpatient in a way but if I do I mess up everything for my sons and the plans I have.... there's not many options for my problems and I wish i could just sleep but I can't even do that. sorry for the pitiful post but I'm trying to not pity myself.

[Mountaindewed]

So much pain and bleeding tonight. I don’t get how insurance wouldn’t pay for this.

I only had one melatonin left. I took it 3 hours ago and then my Geodon 20 minutes ago. Maybe I’ll take one of my brothers 10mil melatonin. Just one though.

At least I didn’t mix benzos today. I did double up on my 2nd and 3rd Valium this afternoon.

Lately I’ve been taking a Valium between 8:30-10AM my 20mil Geodon at noon. And then my 2nd and 3rd Valium usually at 12 and 2PM. Unless I double up on them. Then I take my lamictal and propalnol around 2 and then my 160mil Geodon between 5:30 and 6PM. so I’m getting something every few hours.

[Sunflower123]

I haven’t felt well today. Hard cough, bad headache, burning up, sneezing. Just not real well at all. My brother is still in the hospital and I’d like to visit tomorrow but I’m going to call my doctor first and get checked out. Man do I feel rough.

Brother is mending in the hospital and then will be taken to rehab after 4-5 days. They found other bones in the process of mending from his previous falls. Poor guy.

I’m going to wish everyone a peaceful Wednesday, get off of here and head to bed. Hope I feel better tomorrow. I’ll definitely get checked out before I head into a hospital.

I was phony today. My young man neighbor told me about a confrontation his girlfriend got in that he walked away from, leaving her all alone in it.

She was escalating things tho. I wanted to say that i thought it was cowardly of him to not get in front of her or at least not to leave her side but instead, i comforted him.

The gender-roles are so mixed-up. Clearly, PROTECTION is the man's job. A cowardly man is not worth much. I would have left him too. My dad was a coward too, hiding behind me. It was repellent.

But that's not what i said, is it? I admire the girlfriend for being so ferocious. And yet, i comforted the young man... I care for him too tho and he'd just helped me out earlier today by lending me his pool-house key fob...

Emotions are so messy...

Hugs,

Sweet Jane.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

My husband's and my medications are getting more and more complex. The pop out pills exacerbate it. Every time we've called our new GP for medications he's mixed things up or forgotten something. I carefully listed all of the meds we needed, and of course three out of the seven were not sent to the pharmacy system. I'm thinking about trying to slowly stop one of my blood pressure meds. That would still leave me with one, plus a beta blocker that is intended for my tachycardia, but can also help lower blood pressure. I'll monitor it frequently in the near future. If it starts to rise a lot, we'll have to get the GP to FINALLY send the order. That doc also neglected to order my levothyroxine (thyroid). I still have a few weeks of that, but it is not an optional med. My thyroid is shot.

Hubby hasn't helped much with household chores, lately. I wish he'd do a little again.

Oh I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time getting your medications sorted out like this... Do you think maybe you should look for another GP? Blood pressure and Thyroid medications are not something that can just get screwed up like this.. Is it possible to go in person with a written list or even the prescription bottles and speak to the nurse? I'm not sure how things run in your new country but here If I need a refill on meds the nurses can just fax the order to the pharmacy. Maybe speaking to the nurse could get all the info needed to get everything sorted out???

I know you have mentioned before that your husband is dealing with Depression.. Could it be getting worse? Honestly I am not one to automatically say " Call your Pdoc" we all know meds can only go so far..

Do you have plans coming up? trips? sightseeing somewhere? Maybe if you had a plan to do X that could maybe help perk him up ?? Are you able to just ask him to please help you???

Heres hoping things improve