Depressed for the first time since Winter.

I felt lonely so i dressed up pretty and went out to attend the dog-party with my neighbors mid-afternoon. Only one came out and it was a quiet one. I didn't have any fun and felt lonelier still.

I came in and chatted to a decent neighbor briefly but she was rushing off so i did not detain her. I went down to the convenience store and bought a 235 gram bag of chips. I ate half of them. Then a box of crackers.

Clearly, i am overeating for emotional reasons. It the inability to manage my emotions that triggers the eating. It'll be three to six months before i can get in to see a specialist.

I don't know what to do in the meantime. I feel so alone and isolated and ignored.

I feel like i'm crashing after all. I don't know how to get myself a daily supply of company. Call Patti, i guess. She said she's all alone with her TV. Maybe she would LIKE to keep me company?

It's too late for today. Tomorrow i have that darn immersive exhibit of Vincent Van Gogh's art. Another solitary experience. I would never have described myself as social, but i find myself hungry for human contact and everyone already has their social life arranged.

There's no room for me.

Listened to Neil Young's "The Needle and the Damage Done," a cut from "Decade," his three-disc greatest-hits album that was my brother's last gift to my family before he died. I'm the only one who listened to it. I know every word, searching for clues and they are there.

Struggling.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I really want to go back to work now. I feel like this is a good time to find a job with college kids going back to school. But my mom and probably others are saying it’s not a good idea to start any job and then have to leave a month or so later for 6 weeks. So the earliest I could go back to work would be like December. Which means almost 2 months of waiting until the surgery, then the surgery itself. Then 6 weeks of recovery. Which would put me in the middle of November. Then I’d have to find a job. Plus if I’m basing it off my last 2 surgeries in 2020, this past June, and also my wisdom teeth surgery in 2015 I’ll probably have some pretty bad post op depression along with my usual SAD.

But I just want to go back now. I have stuff to keep me entertained but I like working.

I agree. It's probably best to wait until you're recovered from your surgery to go back to work. Going in for a short amount of time then taking time off might look bad. And you're not going to skip your surgery, so....

[Mountaindewed]

I’ve been listening to my podcast for most of the day. The first few episodes were not too scary. Just about old urban legends and the history of them. Then about episode 8 was when they started getting really freaky. I’m on episode 11 right now which is about black eyed children appearing out of nowhere. I had to turn it off for the night. I know my boundaries. In IOP late last year they taught us how to recognize our boundaries. And despite really wanting to finish it I knew it was not a good idea to continue listening to it. I’ll pick it back up either between 6-8AM or after noon. It was really interesting just too scary.

I’m used to reading scary stuff. I can’t watch it. And this is my first time listening to stuff. But it’s been a good coping skill all day. At night, not so much.

[*Beth*]

Md, wait until you're recovered from everything to return to work. That's my advice.

Jane, Well, if you have to be alone and listen to music I'd say Neil Young is a damn good choice. And you're actually going to the Van Gogh exhibit?! I've *only* seen his paintings! The immersive exhibit is being held here, in San Francisco. I so want to go, but I'm concerned that it will be over-stimulating.

@BethRags:

Yeah, Neil sure understands.

I feel the exhibit will be joyful, not overwhelming. I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow, if i feel it was worth the money. My ticket was $35CDN. You only have an hour because of COVID.

I feel slightly better after lying down. I sure can't rest like i used to, for hours. I'm too restless. I made the Summer's first iced coffee. It was good. I put down my blackout curtain and shut the world out.

If i crash, it'll still be okay because i lasted five weeks longer into the Summer than i ever have before. I'll just have to be more purposeful about arranging my social life. I wish someone would take the initiative with me, but i guess three have lately, so it's not like i'm NEVER the one invited out. The inability to plan really ruins a vigorous social life. I've been asked to two events and had to say 'maybe' because i never know where i'll be with my health.

It's occurred to me that the improvement in my health might be related to COVID anxieties being over, in which case it'll be temporary. I'll just have to see. No one has a crystal ball.

My birthday is coming up on the 21st and it's a big one, 55, i finally qualify for a vibrant seniors center and will get to meet a whole bunch of new people and have somewhere to go during the daytime. I'll also get the seniors discount!!! I doubt i'll do anything to celebrate my actual birth day and it's doubtful anyone else will so i'm kind of dreading the day itself.

Also discouraged because it was Louise's birthday today (my closest neighbor) and she'd turned down my offer of a celebration a couple weeks ago saying she "doesn't celebrate her birthday," but i saw her late afternoon in party gear so she definitely celebrated her birthday, just not with me. Feel rejected.

So that are my key food binge triggers:

1. loneliness
2. rejection
3. boredom

They're all mixed together because if i try and solve the loneliness and boredom by socializing i risk rejection.

Aah, it's all a ball of wax.

[Moose72]

I just got a shower and am in my night attire. Turned the a/c back on. It was off for several hours while I was picking up N3. We went out to dinner- he paid. It was pretty good- I got a teriyaki chicken sandwich and he got some burger with lots of spicy cheese and fried jalapeno coins- extra coins!

While we were on the way from picking him up, the check-engine light came on. We checked to see if the oil was low but it wasn't. Kevin says he'll take a look at it tomorrow. I need to get my new Seroquel script, too. I hope the pharmacy finally has it. They were rather rude to me when I was there Friday. I hope the pharmacist I like is there tomorrow. I will definitely call first before I go in. If that doesn't work, I'll have to contact my pdoc to see what's going on. Pdoc comes in at 8:30 so I should call then and leave a message with the front desk for her. I have her direct number, but I hate to use it unless it's an emergency.

EDIT: I just found some blister packs from when I was in the hospital that I never used so I took 150 Seroquel out of one of those and added it to my night time meds for tonight! Why didn't I think of that yesterday?? (Still gonna have to do the above as I don't have very MANY days of the days I never took.)

I should change my sheets, too!

[NaoSky]

Originally Posted by Moose72

@NaoSky Divorce is hard. I was the divorcER and it was very difficult for me, too. I cried and wanted my family back. I cried because the kids would never have an intact family. (As it is, they grew up with their grandparents and me and they don't have any issues with it.) I sometimes feel that I rushed into divorce and didn't think it through- got on the phone with a lawyer who of course wanted me to go through with it! How gullible was I? And maybe I was having an episode at that time? I wouldn't be diagnosed for another 5 years! Oh what I wouldn't give to be able to go back in time and have a therapist or pdoc say "Wait a minute... Don't be so hasty!"

I know what you mean! My child is so young, I feel like we hardly had time to raise her together. Also nobody told me to pause and rethink my decision to ask for a divorce. The first time I hired the attorney, but I cancelled it during my depression. This time I tried to cancel it, but my husband wants to continue with it. If only we could change our past!!!

[NaoSky]

@BethRags Thank you. It does help to vent here and know that someone is listening that can relate.

@christina Thank you for your long response. It means a lot. I didn’t realize it was 90%! That’s sad. I just always thought my marriage was strong and my husband would love me no matter what. I remember him telling me in the beginning that he didn’t care how much weight I gained, he would always love me… We should have had a plan about mental illness since my mom has it, I just thought I was way past the age of getting it… but then my mania hit and I turned on him. He just couldn’t take it. I don’t know what I’d do if I were in his shoes. I’d like to think I would still stick by his side because of my personality, but I don’t know.

I was diagnosed at almost 42 with my first manic episode, I’m 43 now. There weren’t any signs of bipolar before that. So for me this has been a HUGE adjustment. And now being single it’s even more.

That’s wonderful that you were able to fix things with your current husband.

Thank you for the dating advice. I just don’t even know who I would date or how to meet new people nor do I even have the urge to any time soon. But if I do, I won’t share my illness in the beginning.

Yes I will hopefully see my therapist this week, I need to soon.

Listening to Neil Young's "Helpless" on repeat. Just the perfect song for the moment. At this point i don't think i will go to the Van Gogh exhibit tomorrow. I knew it was a risk buying my ticket six weeks in advance. At least i was going alone so i'm not letting anyone else down. Two of my neighbors know i'm scheduled to go. If they ask, i'll just say i'm not feeling well. I doubt i'll have to explain at all tho since i plan on hiding inside for the next while.

The priority is the benzo taper. Nothing else matters.

[Sunflower123]

I had a lovely float this morning in the sunshine before the rain moved in. It will be pretty again tomorrow. I also had a lovely, long talk with my daughter. She’s coming to visit next weekend. The pictures I keep sending her of a beautiful, serene pool have made her want to come down and float with me. Ha!

I visited my brother today and took a good long look at him. He’s lost weight he couldn’t afford to lose and looks like he’s at death’s door. I’ll be talking to his case manager tomorrow. I’m deeply concerned.

Getting a chest X-ray tomorrow from when I aspirated. Still having challenges from that. My doctor won’t see me because of the cough caused by said aspiration. What’s a person to do?

I hope everyone has a peaceful week ahead.

In a dark hole.

[Soupe du jour]

I'm quite excited! My husband and I just booked a stay for three nights in Vienna, Austria. This has been on my bucket list for a long while now. We leave this Wednesday morning. It's a 2 hour and 8 minute drive from our house to the hotel in the Vienna central historic district. We are already fully vaccinated, and it will have been just over two weeks after our second. I think we may also need a negative covid test result, but I'm not certain that's required with vaccination proof. We'll see.

[Mountaindewed]

I’m kinda depressed today. Actually really depressed. I think it’s mostly weather related. We had great weather for several days and now it’s **** outside. I saw my therapist and it went ok. I told her that I was taking 2 types of melatonin and she said that was not good. We talked about food for a bit. Then I went into detail about the transference with old therapist and how much it messed with me mentally and still is messing with me. She seems to think I never actually had closure since we said goodbye in a video session. But then she said that I have people working with me now so that there will be a smooth transaction to the therapist she’s handing me over to. She told me maybe finding a job right now isn’t a bad idea. She said it’s kinda in the same category as companies hiring pregnant women who will need to take time off in a couple months. I asked if I was being difficult or something and she said no that she’s just a straight forward therapist who doesn’t sugar coat anything. I said I think that was the problem with my unprofessional T. That she sugar coated things. Plus she called me handsome. Which I found creepy. And she said “yeah that is creepy.”

But I want to say it’s just the weather but I honestly think I’m depressed as hell right now because of my transference T and the feelings I still have for her. I wonder if my next step is talking to my Pdoc on Monday to get things off my chest. He works with her. He tends to make situations worse but sometimes he can be really helpful.

My therapist said maybe I could write a letter to her and send it to the office. I said I didn’t know how good of an idea that would be since I had boundary issues with her. But maybe if my Pdoc says it’s ok I will. I need to tell her why I legit had such issues. It’s because she was the one who I told that I was trans. And she helped me out so much and I wanted her to be able to see the transition as it was happening. But because of the video sessions that didn’t happen. And it just seriously ****ed with my brain.

But I don’t know. Maybe it is just the weather

[Soupe du jour]

I spent most of the day researching stuff for our trip, and doing chores (i.e. laundry) to prepare. I've even started gathering stuff to pack. Tomorrow I want to spend a good amount of time sprucing myself up, so I don't look like a frump. I even plan on wearing two dresses during the trip. One, a bit dressy. Truth is, we haven't been out to anywhere really nice in a long time, because of the pandemic. I guess not since Christmas (and maybe New Years), when we were traveling on a southern US road trip. The nice Christmas dinner was in Charleston, South Carolina. I confess to forgetting where we were on New Years. That must sound strange, but that trip was so overwhelming that some is a blur.

[Moose72]

I called the pharmacy again to check if my script had been called in. He said, "I've got a 100 I could fill for you". "Is that the same prescription I normally get?" I asked. Well yes it was! I don't need to fill my normal script early, I need a NEW script for 300! So I just figured that my pdoc hadn't called the new script in yet. So I called the pdoc's office. Talked with someone on my "team". They said that my script was written but not sent in yet- that they'd contact pdoc and get that remedied. Meanwhile, I had some extra days of meds left from when I was in the hospital, so last night I took the extra 150 from there to make 300 total. Now I don't know if anyone will call me to tell me that my script has been sent in/is ready. You'd think the pharmacy would call me so I don't keep having to call them and guess whether or not it's ready, but I don't necessarily see that happening.

[Scooter9]

I stopped my meds on Saturday due to the stomach pain I had.

I contacted my pdoc but she's away until next week.

No change in terms of mood so far but I don't think anything will happen for at least 1-2 weeks since I have been on those same meds for several years.

I feel I have to do this because the stomach pain is so bad when it happens. I can't do anything at all when it's there and it lasts for 6 hours.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Scooter9

I stopped my meds on Saturday due to the stomach pain I had.

I contacted my pdoc but she's away until next week.

No change in terms of mood so far but I don't think anything will happen for at least 1-2 weeks since I have been on those same meds for several years.

I feel I have to do this because the stomach pain is so bad when it happens. I can't do anything at all when it's there and it lasts for 6 hours.

I take it the stomach pain is gone now since you stopped the meds? It may just be one of the meds causing the pain, but you wouldn't know that unless you gradually removed each med and kept the others on board.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

I spent most of the day researching stuff for our trip, and doing chores (i.e. laundry) to prepare. I've even started gathering stuff to pack. Tomorrow I want to spend a good amount of time sprucing myself up, so I don't look like a frump. I even plan on wearing two dresses during the trip. One, a bit dressy. Truth is, we haven't been out to anywhere really nice in a long time, because of the pandemic. I guess not since Christmas (and maybe New Years), when we were traveling on a southern US road trip. The nice Christmas dinner was in Charleston, South Carolina. I confess to forgetting where we were on New Years. That must sound strange, but that trip was so overwhelming that some is a blur.

The only time I was in Vienna was when my chamber choir went there for a world wide competition of kids 18 and under. We won best in our class- small mixed ensemble- and Pride of Vienna- best in all the classes! I remember our hotel and the streets. And the other choir that was there from the U.S. And then three years later (after I'd graduated) the choir, including my sister again, went again and won AGAIN! I wasn't a part of that but I remember the first time and it was a happy day when we won. I wonder if they still do that competition?

[Mountaindewed]

I just applied to my old job (different location) and the local library. So I’ll see what happens. And if those don’t work out then I’ll wait until after my surgery to figure out something else. But I hope I didn’t just screw myself out of 2 very good jobs that may not hire me because of the time I have to take off.

The library job was posted 30 days ago. Have they filled it and not updated or have they just not found anyone to work?

[Moose72]

In addition to having to go to the pharmacy at some point, I am going to bring my car over to Kevin's place so he can check it out. I need that fixed before N3 can have his driving test this week!

Now that I'm sitting in the a/c and feeling good, I want to go back to bed but I have my contacts in and I'm waiting to hear about my script and I have to take my car over. Besides- I got up not even 2 hours ago! How lazy am I? Could it be the doubled Seroquel even after all these hours AND having slept? Nah....???