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Elder
Member Since Oct 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,632
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#1
I know what you're thinking, “A Bible verse for the title? How pretentious!”. To which I answer, “Yeah, probably, but bear with me.”
I work in retail, specifically selling electronics (high end, low end and every end in between). One day, I had a customer come in in the throes of a textbook manic episode. He was on a “shopping spree”, choosing expensive TVs and laptops with such speed that by the time I got the keys to get the first item, he was on item four. When I got a word in edgewise to ask what he specifically wanted, he became agitated and bounded to the other end of my department to look at video games. That agitation turned to anger when I didn't follow him. At that point, I called for backup in the form of management and store security. To their credit, they calmed him down, at which point, he was depressed and asking for his mother. While my managers kept talking to the guy, I tracked her down in the store and helped get them reunited. That encounter scared me. Alot. Not because of anything the customer might have done in his manic state, but because he was a living breathing example of what I told my supervisors (the ones who “needed to know” anyway) to expect if I start exhibiting mania. I guess I started empathizing with the kid. He looked to be the same age as me, but was dealing with his illness very differently. I looked at him and saw a reflection. Where I've been, where I could've been, where I could still be. Hence 1 Corinthians and my frazzled nerves. After the Bible verse, the next thing that came to mind was “Is this insight?” Clinically, I know what lack of insight means, however, my doctors and therapist always seem to connect insight with accepting and understanding the reality of my condition. That's quite the dangerous double-edged sword, I might add (“Oh, you don't agree to our treatment plan? You lack insight. Have an inpatient visit.”), but they haven't taken advantage of it and I've actually gotten some use out of it. What's my insight, you ask? Well, here goes: I accept that I have bipolar disorder, a serious and incurable mental illness. As befitting a serious and incurable illness, I accept that I will very likely be on medication for the rest of my life (I've seen myself without it.). I accept that there will be side effects to some of this medication. I accept that I could be headed to an early grave if I leave my illness untreated (due to many, many reasons). I accept that this disease has derailed my life so many times, it's hard to get back on the track. I'm eight years in a four-year degree (courtesy of hospitalizations, semesters off and the like), most of my friends from school are already living the first day of the rest of their lives, and maintaining a relationship with the life I have at the moment is laughable. Finally, and this is the most infuriating, I accept that the only time anyone with power seems willing to discuss mental illness is after some entitled, angry moron commits a mass shooting and all I can do is watch in horror as that same mindset is echoed in those around me. I accept all of that. Can I have a drink now? Seriously, is it any wonder I entertain (passing) urges to drink myself into oblivion? Being drunk is fun, Getting high is fun. Having one night stands are fun. This... this is crap. Given the choice between that terrible insight and a shopping spree, can anyone say the shopping spree isn't a little bit tempting? I know a lot of this is just howling at the moon, but it's nice to let it all out sometimes, especially at the end of the year. Thanks for letting me vent. |
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Elder
Member Since Mar 2013
Location: NJ
Posts: 6,433
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#2
Very eloquent. I echo your sentiments.
__________________ Of course it is happening inside your head. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real? -Albus Dumbledore That’s life. If nothing else, that is life. It’s real. Sometimes it f—-ing hurts. But it’s sort of all we have. -Garden State |
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Aurelius710
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Grand Magnate
Member Since May 2015
Location: earth
Posts: 3,029
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#3
Well said. I'm in a place where I accept that I have bipolar and I need treatment. But doesn't mean I have to like it
__________________ Eat a live frog for breakfast every morning and nothing worse can happen to you that day! "Ask yourself whether the dream of heaven and greatness should be left waiting for us in our graves - or whether it should be ours here and now and on this earth.” Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged Bipolar type 2 rapid cycling DX 2013 - Seroquel 100 Celexa 20 mg Xanax .5 mg prn Modafanil 100 mg |
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Aurelius710
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Aurelius710
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Wise Elder
Member Since Nov 2009
Location: NW US
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#4
Vent away, Aurelius. Good read. Relatable. It can be hard to "see" ourselves in others that way -- but the empathy's good, so at least there's an upside.
__________________ ********* Mr. Robot Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside. --The Cure
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Aurelius710
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Aurelius710
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Legendary
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#5
Very good. Thanks for sharing!
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Aurelius710
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Aurelius710
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Elder
Member Since Oct 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,632
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#6
Five and a half years and it seems like nothing's changed. I hate this. I hate this with a passion! Even when I accept the ugly truth, the world wants more. It can't stand to see me happy or even content with my life. Ever seen Goya's paintings? I had the chance to see them in the Prado in Madrid. This one has been in my head for the past few weeks:
Just stuck. Can't climb out. No help out. Left to flail in an endless sea. __________________ "I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." -Litany Against Fear (Dune) |
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*Beth*, Fuzzybear, Werewoman
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Elder
Member Since Jun 2015
Location: Czechia
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#7
Thanks so much for that, Aurelius!
It was a hard road getting to the point of acceptance for me, but when I reached it, there was a certain type of peace. Now, I don't even think for a millisecond to stop treatment. I'm even scared at the thought of even forgetting them on a trip, or the like. I don't want to go back to pre-meds life again. I have that insight to truly know what it was about. I didn't so much then. Obviously if my meds poop out or suddenly give me unbearable side effects I'll want them re-thought out. That would be reasonable. But no meds? Heck no! My mother had epilepsy. The form that includes grand mal seizures. In her youth, she wanted to quit her meds a couple times and try "alternatives". It got to a point that she was hospitalized having constant ones, with barely a break. That scared her out of ever quitting meds again, but she did find a mix she felt ok with. In fact, during the last week of her life in the ICU with terminal cancer, the doctors said she would adamately demand, again and again, that they not forget her epilepsy meds. She didn't want to pass having a seizure. __________________ Dx: Bipolar type 1 Psych Medications: * Tegretol XR (carbamazepine ER) 800 mg * Lamictal (lamotrigine) 150 mg * Seroquel XR (quetiapine ER) 600 mg I also take meds for blood pressure, cholesterol, and tachycardia. Last edited by Soupe du jour; Jun 17, 2022 at 01:40 PM.. |
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*Beth*, Aurelius710
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Poohbah
Member Since May 2014
Location: Betelgeuse
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#8
I can't accept that I'm stuck being bipolar. Right now the depression isn't too bad but the mania is unbearable. Sometimes it's the depression and sometimes it's both but it's always there - unbearable. Meds don't seem to work for me anymore and I'm ready to just give up on the whole thing.
__________________ You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. ~ Robin Williams Did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage? ~ Pink Floyd |
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Aurelius710, MrAbbott
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Elder
Member Since Oct 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,632
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#9
Quote:
I have no problem with noble fights and stubborn resistance. I just wish I didn't have to fight. so. much. __________________ "I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." -Litany Against Fear (Dune) Last edited by Aurelius710; Jun 17, 2022 at 07:41 PM.. |
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Poohbah
Member Since May 2014
Location: Betelgeuse
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#10
Quote:
I could not have said it any better myself. Even when the symptoms are under control there is still the stigma to contend with. You have a gift for eloquence. __________________ You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. ~ Robin Williams Did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage? ~ Pink Floyd |
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Aurelius710
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Aurelius710
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Wisest Elder Ever
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#11
Quote:
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Member
Member Since Jul 2022
Location: Spain
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#12
Thanks Aurelius. I like you've been able to tell your boss about your mania, I've never been able to do it and my illness cost me a job in the past. Despite all that, I still can't fully believe I have an illness and my parents, the only people I can count on, haven't even read the wikipedia to learn about it. It's too painful for them, they expected my life to be something else. It's painful for me to see how people will judge me as some have already done.
Kind regards. __________________ Dx: bipolar type 1 with psychosis + some OCD Invega 3mg Depakine 800mg Plenur 400mg |
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