Trapped and tired of living

I can relate to the other posts about feeling trapped and tired of living

Papa bear loves me, but those who were supposed to love and protect me called me a ''burden'', a ''drain'' and even a ''bully''..... It feels like words are not safe. Someone might come and try to ram ''meds'' down my throat, figuratively if not literally. I'm allergic to meds, it's a real problem for me. I'm stuck in survival mode it feels, it's hard or sometimes impossible to feel joy. The doctors don't want to know, I don't blame them since they are ''wonderful people'' and they tell me that I am unworthy. They tell me I am a ''failure'' I don't care for them either, frankly. Who would, having been treated like that My ''dad'' also said how my ''mum'', who he abused and left was a ''wonderful person''...and I was ''nothing''.... he was a sex addict and a sociopath and told me that sex was disgusting and shamed me when I was attacked on a train by a group of boys when I was 16. That too was ''my fault''

My anxiety is horrible and I've been taking too many benzos to sleep (I'm allergic to the seroquel they prescribed a while back). The next two weeks will probably be hell. I must muzzle myself so as not to hurt papa bear.

Has anyone found anything that might help, severe anxiety, depression, not wanting to live, feeling trapped....

This is not about the situation in the world.

I haven't found anything that helps except in the very limited short term. I can relate to having depression and anxiety make you feel like not wanting to live. It's been getting worse for me the last few months, but especially the last few weeks. But, as I remind myself, I'm still here. I don't know for how long, but I can only make the most of today.

I'm sorry that you are hurting. I know the feeling.

Thanks for the reply AgentQ9A. I'm sorry you're hurting too.

My supposed good ''friend'' IRL has just dumped me. It was usually me supporting her. Ouch.

I’m so sorry you are hurting so badly. Your words are how I feel today too. There is just no way to describe how awful it feels to someone who hasn’t experienced it. I’m so sorry you don’t have the relief of meds or a way to trust people. It sounds like you’ve been let down and kicked down so much in the past.

My childhood was not as awful as yours but it just makes no sense why we have to go through the pain of living it and then the scars and fear it leaves behind. I was always racked with terrible guilt and anxiety and it is still debilitating.

The first thing I have to do is try to get a lot of sleep. Then I always come here. I wished I posted more but it helps a lot to know I’m not alone. I get a lot of comfort in the caring and advice. I like to play puzzle games on the computer and that takes my mind off of things. Reading about subjects that interest me like art and history. I’m staying away from news. I need to exercise, resume therapy and organize my house!

You do so much for everyone here. You give so much and I really admire that. I hope you get a little relief today. Anxiety and depression can wear you down.

I think people tend to blame victims because they prefer to deny their own vulnerability and the helplessness they would likely feel in the same circumstances. That, or they’re arrogant enough to believe they’d never find themselves in such a situation in the first place. Either way, it’s cowardly, selfish and unhelpful to genuine victims to blame them. I’m sorry you’re struggling today, but let us take our turn to help you!
It’s always good to take responsibility and precautions, but you can’t possibly predict everything bad that could happen and thus avoid it. It’s not your fault some people are abusers always looking for a victim.

I'm sorry, Fuzzy ((((((HUG))))))

So sorry to hear you're struggling.

You know your body, so I'm not doubting your allergies *at all,* but do you know what you're allergic to in them? I have a dairy allergy, and my pdoc has had to seriously work with me to find non-dairy meds. Most psych meds have lactose in them, including Seroquel, which is fine if you're intolerant but not so great if you have an actual allergy. (My throat closes when I ingest dairy.) I'm sure there are other things in them that could cause problems too. Maybe it would be worth seeing an allergist to determine the problem. A lot of meds have alternate formulations.

Like others here, I haven't found any long-term solutions that are 100% fixes. Exercise, meditation, and watching funny things on TV *help* my depressions, but they don't totally lift me out of them. Hope you feel better soon!

So Sorry for what you're going through! Please Do not give up! Hugs. i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters about being So Sorry for your situation. Please do remember that you're not a failure and not worthless no matter what other people may say. Do not trust those lies. Strive to be th ebest possible version of yourself that can be. i think it can be hard if one doesn't have a support network but i'd suggest to still try your best. You deserve to be happy. Everyone does. Focus on making yourself and your Loved Ones happy. Sorry if this advice isn't really helpful. i'd also suggest to find some hobbies or dedicated a bit of your time to the ones you have already if you aren't doing that already of course. i Hope things will improve really soon for everyone. Love. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Fuzzybear, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

always hurts when a friend does that.

I'm sorry.... hugs

I am sorry you have had so much abuse at a young age. and are still getting abused by trolls on line. If it is happening on these board I hope you contacted the support team here or block them.
I have lost 2 friends on the internet, poof they stopped posting, it hurts when you have a long term relationship. Sorry that you lost one IRL. That hurts even more.
maybe she will apologize and you can make up????
tell me again have you thought about a different therapist one who deals with trauma? Your past hurts effect you still.
said out of care,
bizi

I see many wise and compassionate responses here. I don't feel I can add much though I would counsel you to not muzzle yourself in your relationship with your husband. It is difficult finding the best way to express how you're feeling but it's important to do naetheless.

In case it helps, here's a glimpse of my communication with my wife. I told her I feared my illness would drive her away and so I attempt to always present myself healthy and well. Her love for me, which I only doubt when I'm depressed, led to her embracing me and welcoming communication whenever I need it. She and I made an agreement that if she sees me falling apart she will let me know so that I can better cope since I so often try to hide it and fail to cope effectively.

a'best

Thanks everyone for the replies

I have lost 2 (or more) friends on the internet too, poof and they stopped posting. I agree, it hurts when we have a long term relationship.

I have thought about a trauma therapist. A good friend saw one quite recently (last year). This therapist only agreed to therapy for about 3 months. Seems rather silly to me... such short term therapy for trauma.