I want to be thinner

TW everything.

I lost 6 kg in a few months. I'm a 1m67 and weigh 50. I want to weigh at least 48. It's difficult because I am already skinny and don't want to ruin my metabolism. Any ideas?

I used to SH, it's a replacement. Otherwise I am unconvinced that I am sick if I don't look sick. I SH for ten years and have not in almost two. I fight the compulsion to do something else every day and this has been the alternative. I know the long term effects. I think some people were born suffering. If I cannot see my suffering then I feel I am inventing it. I also need to punish myself for being imperfect. I wish I was the version of me I want to be. I work towards it all the time but I am tired and cannot work anymore. I can't fit into many of my clothes anymore. That is not good enough of a job on the scale however.

I have been in treatment for ten years. I feel beyond help. I have a deep sense that I was accidental. I think about life too much and why I am here. I have a passion and people I love so I am staying here for the time being but I need to slowly destroy myself so that I know my suffering is not fake. That way I can continue living but I have to punish myself for when I do not work hard enough or reach my goals.

Thanks everyone

I'm really sorry you feel this way. I had anorexia as a teen and had some of the same feelings, about perfection and punishing myself. I's still all screwed up about food but it's in the other direction now.

I'm sorry you are suffering this.

Is there any chance you can get into some therapy for yourself? I'm not all that fond of therapists but have a referral in play to see one out of desperation but it will take three to six more months (Canada). Then i have to get assessed and interview the person and make sure they are not going to make things worse, as has has happened in the past.

It might be good to get the ball rolling NOW as it takes a while to get in to see someone.

I hope your suffering ends as soon as possible. Eating Disorders are tenacious buggers tho. I've been struggling with food for forty years now.

I hope we can both find some decent help.

Quote:

Originally Posted by clydeblack TW everything. I lost 6 kg in a few months. I'm a 1m67 and weigh 50. I want to weigh at least 48. It's difficult because I am already skinny and don't want to ruin my metabolism. Any ideas? I used to SH, it's a replacement. Otherwise I am unconvinced that I am sick if I don't look sick. I SH for ten years and have not in almost two. I fight the compulsion to do something else every day and this has been the alternative. I know the long term effects. I think some people were born suffering. If I cannot see my suffering then I feel I am inventing it. I also need to punish myself for being imperfect. I wish I was the version of me I want to be. I work towards it all the time but I am tired and cannot work anymore. I can't fit into many of my clothes anymore. That is not good enough of a job on the scale however. I have been in treatment for ten years. I feel beyond help. I have a deep sense that I was accidental. I think about life too much and why I am here. I have a passion and people I love so I am staying here for the time being but I need to slowly destroy myself so that I know my suffering is not fake. That way I can continue living but I have to punish myself for when I do not work hard enough or reach my goals. Thanks everyone

Are you receiving inpatient treatment currently?

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Sorry it took so long to answer, I have been very tired recently. Yes I have been in therapy for ten years I believe, but recently started adding trauma therapy which has helped. Still struggling but did manage to eat some things although I am feeling weak most of the time. Thank you for responding and hope you can finally find effective treatment as well. I think it is self-destructiveness that is hard to get over in general so we gravitate towards these things naturally.

Hey @clydeblack
Have you been diagnosed with an eating disorder or received treatment for one?

Quote:

Originally Posted by clydeblack TW everything. I lost 6 kg in a few months. I'm a 1m67 and weigh 50. I want to weigh at least 48. It's difficult because I am already skinny and don't want to ruin my metabolism. Any ideas? I used to SH, it's a replacement. Otherwise I am unconvinced that I am sick if I don't look sick. I SH for ten years and have not in almost two. I fight the compulsion to do something else every day and this has been the alternative. I know the long term effects. I think some people were born suffering. If I cannot see my suffering then I feel I am inventing it. I also need to punish myself for being imperfect. I wish I was the version of me I want to be. I work towards it all the time but I am tired and cannot work anymore. I can't fit into many of my clothes anymore. That is not good enough of a job on the scale however. I have been in treatment for ten years. I feel beyond help. I have a deep sense that I was accidental. I think about life too much and why I am here. I have a passion and people I love so I am staying here for the time being but I need to slowly destroy myself so that I know my suffering is not fake. That way I can continue living but I have to punish myself for when I do not work hard enough or reach my goals. Thanks everyone

Hello everyone, update! I was diagnosed with anorexia last year. I am getting better although my ptsd has gotten worse. At least I am eating. Thank you for the responses!

Hi clydeback, glad your anorexia is better and you're eating. I noticed when I stopped my restricting/binging/purging cycle my ptsd got worse too. I think it's because I was using the disordered eating to distract myself from what was really going on in my head. Just a thought.