[Mountaindewed]

I’m doing good today for once. There’s been a noticeable difference in my moods and anxiety. I guess my PMDD is over. I started reading again for the first time in 10 days which is a good sign that I’m over the PMS. I still have some cramps and I was reading all day and I’m a bit nauseated right now. I was too nervous to take my full 180 mil Geodon at one time. Since yesterday it was so spread out. So I just took 160 tonight. I may take the 20 in a bit. I slept in until 7:15 this morning. Which is great. I’m hoping to get some news tomorrow from my doctor since it’s getting really close to October 1st and I still need my insurances approval.

[Brentus]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

Arrived in Slovakia in the early evening. Here's a pretty photo I took at a mountain lake nearby. Sorry it's sideways.

I swear if I didn't know better I'd say that photo is a postcard! It's breathtakingly gorgeous!

[Victoria'smom]

So I got home last night the place was clean-ish but it smelled horrible (just finished cleaning all the dishes and taking out a lot of trash). Apparently they really didn't do well without me here. I can't go away without them again. I'm not picking up but I am making sure they eat, simple meals. and I'm not touching meat. So they have to do that themselves. I'm going to be cooking vegetables for dinner tonight. I'm still seeing where I fit. My heads still loud and Anna is around making "healthy" suggestions but I can't go down that road. I know myself it'll go to far.

Possible trigger:

I've been wanting to SH for awhile but I don't want to tell anyone. I want to just do it and deal with the aftermath hell I don't think I'd tell anyone after the fact

I need to find my voice again Instead of looking put together. No one can help me until my meds are back to normal. So I'm in this waiting game that sucks. I wish they would find a solution to mental illness.

Update on Miguel: He had a good appointment. We have a plan for him it involves us being more hands on with his MH team which feels really weird because of my twisted feelings of MH teams but I'll do it.

[Blue_Bird]

I can’t sleep. I’m up having

Possible trigger:

suicidal thoughts

.

I’m not going to act on them, I’m just having them.

Sorry to hear you are suffering @Innerzone, @Miguel'smom and @Blue_Bird. I care about each of you and want only good things for you. Hang in there, i know you're under a lot of pressure. Sending healing vibes your way!

[Blue_Bird]

Thank you so much @whatever2013 :

I only got 2 hours of broken sleep last night and am an absolute emotional wreck. I feel like crying, it's almost uncontrollable but I'm trying not to because I have maintenance coming over today to change my smoke detectors batteries, and I don't want to be crying when they come (I don't know what time they're coming)

I did my recumbent-lateral-bicycle-fitness-trainer for the second day in a row! I did a full 30 minutes as my doctor advised. I even put tension on for a bit! I did casual leg stretches and five (5) push-ups against the counter! YAY!!! "Fitness Jane" rides again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I also voted Green in our federal election today. They won't win, but will hopefully increase their share of the vote and maybe SOMEDAY they will win. My vote will send a message if nothing else, that climate change is the only issue that matters, because the rest is just noise. What does anything else matter if we're not here? I said so to a rival party canvasser that showed up at my door last week, a young woman in our leftist party and she said "Awesome stance!" despite herself!

@Blue_Bird:

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so rough. Lack of sleep surely ruins your day. Be kind and gentle with yourself and keep the stimulation-level low. Any chance of a nap? I live in a condo-apartment tower too and the intrusions by building management are annoying for me too. But if you have a house, there's mowing in the Summer and shoveling in the Winter and myriad other maintenance nightmares none of which i could deal with, so overall, i much prefer a condo-apartment.

[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

I did my recumbent-lateral-bicycle-fitness-trainer for the second day in a row! I did a full 30 minutes as my doctor advised. I even put tension on for a bit! I did casual leg stretches and five (5) push-ups against the counter! YAY!!! "Fitness Jane" rides again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I also voted Green in our federal election today. They won't win, but will hopefully increase their share of the vote and maybe SOMEDAY they will win. My vote will send a message if nothing else, that climate change is the only issue that matters, because the rest is just noise. What does anything else matter if we're not here? I said so to a rival party canvasser that showed up at my door last week, a young woman in our leftist party and she said "Awesome stance!" despite herself!

@Blue_Bird:

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so rough. Lack of sleep surely ruins your day. Be kind and gentle with yourself and keep the stimulation-level low. Any chance of a nap? I live in a condo-apartment tower too and the intrusions by building management are annoying for me too. But if you have a house, there's mowing in the Summer and shoveling in the Winter and myriad other maintenance nightmares none of which i could deal with, so overall, i much prefer a condo-apartment.

Thank you, I ended up taking a nap, maintenance never showed I guess so that's okay, at least I got a bit of sleep. It helped, I don't feel on the verge of crying now

Great job with the exercise! and with the voting I agree that climate change is an extremely important issue

[MuddyBoots]

Things are a step towards better on the meds front. If my pnurse's appeal doesn't work out, they have a sample of invega sustenna I can have in a couple weeks. I picked up my vraylar and invega pills too after a nurse from my cmhc basically spent 10 minutes explaining how to get them/where to go. I have to switch pharmacies to one I don't like because I guess they're better for insurance reasons. They're only open 9-5 M-F closed for an hour in the middle for lunch break, and they don't have the space to hold meds so you basically get there and say "I need my thorazine" and you wait like half an hour. If there's anybody ahead of you, you'll be waiting a while. Half of the staff is nice, but the other half are super rude.

I've been feeling awful about myself today. I went to the park early this morning and saw 5 other people scattered about. I slept with 3 of them (it is a fairly small town by the way). Maybe my dad's right and I am a slut. I sure feel like one right now.

I have therapy later today. I need to discuss my eating desperately. I've been averaging ~500 calories a day. Yesterday was way under that and I couldn't get myself to have any sorta food or even an ensure after I realized how little I ate. At least today I had half a protein bar so far. I saved the other half for tomorrow. I know I need to eat but I'm terrified of gaining weight and honestly I'm not afraid of organ damage I kinda want that. I feel like the past 12 years I've just been trading one unhealthy habit for another. Even though I have tons of coping skills and healthy habits and use them, that's worth nothing when you don't feel worthy of a good quality of life. I was once told I need to see a trauma specialist for **** like that, but I refuse to call what I went through as trauma when other people have had it way worse. My current therapist won't call it trauma, and she hates when I bring it up. The lady that evaluated me didn't call it trauma either. They probably think it's just one of my delusions.

[Mountaindewed]

I’m really really anticipating my call about my surgery. I’m getting really nervous. I thought for sure they’d call today. They still have a few hours to call but I’m not sure they will. I’ve been reading all day and it’s been a good distraction but I have a headache and anxiety and nausea from reading so much. I took a couple Valium and a 20mil Geodon. I do think the nausea is caused by the reading. I didn’t read for 10 days and my nausea was fine. Then I started up reading yesterday and I felt it real bad. I read with noise cancelling head phones on but I can’t concentrate without them. I wonder if just being able to see instead of hearing is also an issue. I also haven’t heard back from my therapist who says that she knows at the start of the week if she’ll have cancellations. So I guess that means she won’t be able to see me this week.

Edit: I took the headphones off and put the book down. I do feel better physically. I drank a coke for my headache. Maybe reading 142 pages in one sitting is not a good idea and I should be taking breaks every 40 pages or so.

Edit again: My mom kind of forced me to go to the dollar store with her to get a container for my chocolate. She was out earlier and got a few others for me. We have mice and I told my mom to let my cats in the garage for a bit and it would solve the problem. But she doesn’t believe me. The cashier called me he. Which made me feel good. I have only been misgendered once since starting my transition and that was in June 2020. Ever since then I’ve been called he by everyone. Men, women, and kids of all ages. Even before my top surgery. Even before I started hormones I’d be called he every once in awhile.

I realized I had zero tea today so I drank a couple mugs of tension tamer tea along with my 3rd Valium. I feel better after putting the book down a couple hours ago but I am still antsy about the call I’m anticipating. But I ordered some exotic tea from eBay in august that I accidentally sent to my old house. It took a week after being delivered to my old house but it made it to my new house today. I need to be more careful. I don’t know how that works. If the new homeowners have to take it to the post office or if the post office handles it. Either way it creates unnecessary work for whoever takes care of it at a mistake I could have easily avoided.

I slept good last night. I fell asleep around 9. I woke up at 7:15. I took a shower and half way through I wondered why I was taking one when I had taken one yesterday and had no plans for today. I guess I was still tired and not thinking.

[Soupe du jour]

Hubby and I took an almost 2 hour hike today. Short by many standards. I'll confess that I'm clearly in better shape than him, and yet I have oodles of room for improvement. I'll say that my left heel has been hurting for some weeks. Hubby said his is, too. Same cause? I'm not sure.

The food in Slovakia has been a disappointment, though they present it well at the hotel restaurant. No flavor. Bland. Really. Sort of a "Wish I had a bottle of Maggi, Worcestershire, or hot sauce", at the very least. Or even a lemon. Czech food tends to be better, and Czech cuisine isn't known as a world known cuisine, either. And neither country often serves a vegetable as part of them, unless a fleck of carrot counts. I have slightly higher hopes, in that regard, for when we go to Poland. Not saying theirs is all spectacular, but I have had plenty of better meals there. I am a harsh food critic.

[Victoria'smom]

@whatever2013 thank-you It means a lot to me.

[Victoria'smom]

I dragged myself out of bed at 2 pm. This is not good, I'm missing my AD and don't want to bother anyone. I have way to many pill packs instead of just morning and night. I made mac and cheese. My boys had hotdogs with it. I'm apologizing way to often. I just don't have energy I want to lay down and stare at nothing for hours or more like days. I want to do nothing but can't. We have 10 days before our lease is up but haven't got the new one yet but again I don't want to bother anyone but being homeless again will suck. Hopefully I get the energy to fight soon. IDK why I even typed this thank you for reading it though.

[Innerzone]

Thank you @whatever2013....
Today I'm fighting it a little harder, but frustration/irritability is higher too. Would just like to veg and have all the pile-ons vaporize. Yeah, that's not going to happen...

[Nammu]

Well had an adventure today. It was Sir’s annual shots. He didn’t like me bringing up his crate. Which is funny as he didn’t used to mind going to the vet. Guess in his old age he’s getting cranky. But he tolerated the harness and crate then halfway to the vet the storm broke and boy it just came down so hard I couldn’t see. I was on the freeway so I couldn’t pull over. I slowed way down though and about half the other cars did to but there were some reckless driving! Makes me so nervous in situations like that. But we’re home and safe, Sir is out of his halter and had treats for being a good boy.

I decided it's dumb to exercise when i'm not attending to my activities-of-daily-living consistently. If i burn up my puny supply of physical energy exercising then laundry and cleaning don't get done, both of which are very overdue. I'd much rather exercise, it's a lot more fun but living in a clean home is more important.

If i never get to exercise, i never get to it.

I guess i just have to do the most important stuff first and see how it goes, see how far i can get. I'm not able to plan.

Also worried about the addictions recovery group i signed up for. I don't do well in groups, why am i persisting with them? It's just a ZOOM drop-in group so it doesn't matter if i don't go.

[Nammu]

I started the new thread as were over the limit on this one. Sorry I can’t do the link

[BeyondtheRainbow]

New thread:
Bipolar check-in #59