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Default Sep 13, 2021 at 07:21 PM
  #1
I've been on a benzo taper for eight months. I've reduced my dose by 90%. I like the increased alertness and energy and getting up early in the morning.

But i'm having trouble with aggression. I'm angry and irritable and have no patience and am easily frustrated. I let an eff-bomb fly at an annoying fellow shopper at the mall the other day, only the second time in my life i've said that oath at someone, the first being when i was 18 (55 now).

Today i lost it with customer "service" at Hellmart. The young man seemed to be being purposely dense in not understanding the transaction, until i finally shoved my hand under the plexi-glass barrier and held up three fingers for him in front of his face when he couldn't understand the word "three." He said he wouldn't serve me if i didn't calm down and we pressed on but i was only given a gift card.

I worry i'm going to get kicked out of the mall. "Barred" it's called and it's usually for a year. It would be very inconvenient. The security presence at the mall is disturbing. They even wear bullet-proof vests. It seems like a dangerous place with everyone ready to snap because of COVID and me on a benzo taper to add to the stress.

I got barred when this happened before at a mall in Kingston, Ontario when i argued with the cashier over a penny! I was in intense full-scale benzo withdrawal at that time from running out of meds when i moved there and couldn't find a doctor. I was barred for a year and with no other shopping close by and no idea of how to use public transit in that city, i moved back to my current city.

I somewhat regret my benzo taper. Being wide awake but in jail is no solution. I've emailed my doctor but it could be days before he gets back to me. I don't know if i should just accept and learn to manage the aggression or what. My dad was a rage-aholic so i come by it honestly.

I somewhat enjoy the broader range of feelings now that i'm 90% off benzos while at the same time being afraid of them. I enjoy the elation, of course and the increased energy but not the anger and frustration. I feel i am a danger to others which is new as i am usually a danger to myself.

I sort of prefer to be comfortably numb. Maybe it's just not a good time to do a benzo taper with COVID still winding down. IDK, maybe it's dumb to try and get off benzos at all at 55 after a 26 year addiction.

Just took 10mg Valium and 1mg Clonazepam to try and get some relief. My benzo taper is pretty well over unless my doctor comes thru with a miraculous solution. It's the first time i've taken Clonazepam in eight months.

Benzos are weird tho. You don't get immediate relief when you re-instate. It can be days to weeks. I'll just lay low for a while. I had wanted to start swimming with my neighbors but i've abandoned that for now. I'm not attending to my activities of daily living consistently, adding another project is just going to create another obstacle.

Weary and discouraged. Feel like i am in Hell.
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Default Sep 13, 2021 at 09:57 PM
  #2
Are you sure it's withdrawal not a hypomanic episode? That's how my hypomania is.

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Default Sep 14, 2021 at 12:20 AM
  #3
Is Fall a time that you have mood shifts in the past? How does winter effect you?

My Hypo is short lived as it rolls right into a manic mess and its 99% always angry, mad, annoyed at the entire world shift.

Maybe for now you could just stay on your current dose or maybe your Pdoc will bump you back up a bit? Honestly I think some people that have been on Benzo's long term will always need a low dose? This doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you its just something that helps you manage life.

Forgive me but I can't remember if you have tried Buspar or Gabapentin as an add on to your meds while you taper off benzo?

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Default Sep 14, 2021 at 02:22 AM
  #4
OMG! You're becoming a New Yorker or New Jerseyan. No, not everyone from NYC or NJ gets so wild. There are some lambs. But truly, you know benzo withdrawal is tough and requires patience. And if you're a little prone to having a temper that doesn't help. And Miguel'smom could be right about a touch of mood elevation.

I think laying low is a good idea. That's what I do when my mood elevates. Not just for bad temper, which I can be prone to, but other types of impulsivity and disinhibition. Plus, practicing anger management and grounding techniques is highly valuable.

I hope you won't give up on this.

I twice almost had cops called on me because of anger outbursts. They were in a pharmacy. I switched pharmacies for a little while, because of them, yet also had a lesser outburst at the newer one, too. Then, all was forgotten. I'll admit that they surely knew I had bipolar disorder. After all, they filled my meds and the meds speak for themselves. My mom also once almost had cops called on her, again, in a pharmacy, and she wasn't even the one in the family with the worst temper. My siblings, father, and I had/have worse. I almost got fired from my last job because of bipolar-related anger. Anyway, you're surely far from the first angry customer that clerk encountered. Maybe if you see him again, apologize for the anger outburst...and truly mean it.

My temperament has softened greatly over the years. And I no longer take a benzo, except once or twice, on rare occasions. This is especially since my moods have been leveled well...and the anger management/grounding work I've done.

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Default Sep 14, 2021 at 04:06 AM
  #5
I believe dialectal behavioral therapy (DBT) can help with emotional regulation, such as anger management. Have you looked into that? My mom was prone to irritability and outbursts when hypomanic, but she did a DBT group, and I have noticed a difference in her behavior.
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Default Sep 14, 2021 at 06:10 AM
  #6
Thanks for all the replies.

@Miguel'smom:

No, my hypo-manias are all euphoric and delightful, except when i crash and am mixed, which is Hell. I feel this is not a mood episode.

@~Christina:

Yes, i think i'll be on benzos for life. It *does* help me manage living. I thought all it did was make me an addict but the sedation was very helpful. I'd rather be in a chemical straight-jacket than a real one. Not much of a choice tho. No i haven't tried Gabapentin nor Buspar but the last thing i want is MORE meds.

@Soupe du jour:

That's great that you only use benzos occasionally, as they are supposed to be used. I actually *did* apologize to the clerk i offended, three times over. At first he rejected my apology but by the third time he said, "It's okay" so i felt he accepted my apology in the end. I didn't swear or call him names, so there's that. Thanks for saying i'm not the first angry customer he's encountered. It's so hard with these giant plexi-glass shields and masks -- we can't tell what the other is saying and having to raise my voice just makes me seem more aggressive than i am and actually triggers my aggression. Will be so happy when all this nonsense is O-V-E-R. Will lay low for a while and stay out of the mall. There's a power-center i can get to easily and it means a lot of walking as they are designed for drivers but the mall is too risky at the moment.

@downandlonely:

Yes, i have tried DBT twice. But it was DBT Day Hospitals as we call them here in Canada, it's PHP or IOP in The States. The group-format was too intense. One i quit after three weeks as they all hated me and said i used big words and one i got kicked out of after two weeks because i got hypo-manic. I feel DBT is just a bunch of gimmicks anyways, a bunch of mnemonics. I've read about it a lot. I haven't tried an individual DBT therapist but up here i fall thru the cracks, not poor enough to qualify for a free therapist and not rich enough to be able to afford one i'd pay myself. Anyways, i've had a referral for a psychiatrist who also does therapy (the only way i could get therapy covered by our mediocre public plan) in play for about six months, they are few-and-far-between. It could be another six months and then who is to say i could get along with the person? I've been harmed by therapists in the past so it's probably futile to retry therapy. I feel that only love kills the demon. I have people that love me now and i am feeling much better and when they demonstrate that love over and over i feel healing taking place. I'm glad DBT worked for your mom and that others find it useful but it's not for me. I've just started with an online support group in my city and that's helpful. I like peer support over professional support.
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Default Sep 14, 2021 at 05:08 PM
  #7
Quote:
Originally Posted by whatever2013 View Post
Thanks for all the replies.

@downandlonely:

Yes, i have tried DBT twice. But it was DBT Day Hospitals as we call them here in Canada, it's PHP or IOP in The States. The group-format was too intense. One i quit after three weeks as they all hated me and said i used big words and one i got kicked out of after two weeks because i got hypo-manic. I feel DBT is just a bunch of gimmicks anyways, a bunch of mnemonics. I've read about it a lot. I haven't tried an individual DBT therapist but up here i fall thru the cracks, not poor enough to qualify for a free therapist and not rich enough to be able to afford one i'd pay myself. Anyways, i've had a referral for a psychiatrist who also does therapy (the only way i could get therapy covered by our mediocre public plan) in play for about six months, they are few-and-far-between. It could be another six months and then who is to say i could get along with the person? I've been harmed by therapists in the past so it's probably futile to retry therapy. I feel that only love kills the demon. I have people that love me now and i am feeling much better and when they demonstrate that love over and over i feel healing taking place. I'm glad DBT worked for your mom and that others find it useful but it's not for me. I've just started with an online support group in my city and that's helpful. I like peer support over professional support.

I prefer peer support too. I haven't done individual therapy in years. But lately I became a facilitator for the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) support groups.
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Default Sep 20, 2021 at 08:29 AM
  #8
I was on Klonopin for 7 years and took 3 to taper off of it, 8 months sounds fast. I have recently started back on it again and I am better for it because I can go back out into public again. BUT, and this is a big BUT, this is my experience and please don't base your treatment decisions based on anything other than your doctors suggestions.

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Default Sep 20, 2021 at 11:44 AM
  #9
@jpb4815:

Thanks for sharing your experience with benzos. I really didn't have any trouble until i was down to 20%. I paused the taper twice. Once to deal with my usual insomnia before the Summer solstice and once when i broke up with my online boyfriend.

But at 20% i started to notice little things, like buying a Hell's Angels ring and feeling aggressive. Then at 5% i was hysterical and scared for a day. The hysteria passed within a day but the fear persisted for three more. I snapped and took mucho benzos and got immediate relief.

By the time my doctor and i talked i was ready to abandon the taper and go back to full-strength. But he persuaded me to just go back up to 25% (the last dose i had felt okay on) and i reluctantly agreed.

It's going fine! I asked my doctor to be patient with me, that i might stay at 25% for a while until COVID dies down up here (Ontario) and the federal election passes (today). The aggression has passed and i feel affection and love for my fellow humans again. So lovely!

My doctor was co-operative and agrees that getting off benzos is more a marathon than a sprint. I'm happy to hear it also took you a long time to get off benzos as i am expecting the same.

Meds are very much a personal choice so i support you in your decision to use them as a life-management tool. I might end up in the same boat. But for the moment, no sudden moves.

Thanks for chiming in!
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Default Sep 20, 2021 at 11:50 AM
  #10
You are very welcome, I hope you are successful. For me the last 5 years off of my Klonopin has been tough with my agoraphobia and overall general anxiety. I was put back on while I was inpatient last month. So far it’s been worth it, but I am kind of giving in to the fact that I may be on the forever at this point in my life(49 years old). It is getting harder and harder to get doctors to prescribe it thought

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Lamictal 50mg
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Best of all I am off of the opiate replacements finally, no more methadone

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"Penny I need to get this interview and go home"
Penny Lane : "Poof! you are home."
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Default Sep 20, 2021 at 12:08 PM
  #11
@jpb4815:

Yes, i also had tremendous trouble getting benzos when my life fell apart in my early thirties and i moved around. I'm now 55. It was nearly impossible in Vancouver (Canadian). There is a big street-drug problem out there. Doctors are very unreasonable about prescribing benzos to strangers. That whole city is hostile to strangers. I got asked if i was an undercover cop at one point. The idea of Vancouver and the reality are sadly very different!

That's partially why i fled Vancouver as soon as i was financially able. I came back to Ontario and my old doctor who was quite reasonable about prescribing benzos. Now i feel well enough to tackle a slow, controlled withdrawal and my doctor is being very supportive.

Vancouver -- what a nightmare!

So important to have a permanent doctor. It's super hard to get a new doctor up here, we're even talking about moving to a public-private mixed health care system and i'm all for it as it surely couldn't get any worse. Our hospitals are like The Third World, no soap even. Argh!

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