Bipolar check-in #59

So I think I'm in a mixed episode, fml. I want to be destructive, I'm wide awake, don't want my meds, blaring my music in my headphones, don't want to do **** but shop (We have no money I already spent it.) for good reasons, I want to dance, SH, need to shower...

Im wide awake too. I don't have headphones or I would probably be doing the same as you.

Edit: I put on some music from online through my phone so I can stay in bed and pretend that I'm sleeping!

That's the thing! Pdoc is constantly telling me that I "have good insight". Obviously I don't!

I had a great visit with my daughter yesterday. It was over too soon. We’re mulling over plans to get together over my vacation. Nothing has been finalized as to my vacation plans. We tentatively plan to meet in Atlanta.

I’m going to be on vacation 10/15-10/24. My sister will be off work that week but told me last night that she was going out of town the 20th - 24th and when would I be back from Atlanta. I responded that I was firm on my dates and that I had been taking care of mother and brother for years and I am seriously depleted. I said if we have to call in help than that’s what we’ll do but I am off through the 24th. She is pretty aggressive and can be a bulldozer but I’m standing firm. My mom has also tried to get me to change my vacation (of course) but it’s no go. What about burn out don’t these folks get?

I hope everybody has a peaceful day.

I have no clue, I was wondering the same thing. It's weird because it wasn't super windy or anything, it was just a little breezy, so I don't know how it got up there lol

What a beautiful kitty!!

Ok then!

I think so too!

I just called my pdoc's office and the guy said "We're closed and we don't take messages. I'd have to send and you to clinical coverage...". I just said "ok" and hung up. I'm very sad about this!

It's 8:45 and I don't think I went to bed before 4:45 so I'm going back to sleep! I got up just to call them! Holiday my as.s!

Let me fill you all in on the details you couldn't care less about! (Just kidding-- just poking fun at the fact I make it a point to update you on things that really probably don't mean much to anyone).

Another hiccup with my prescriber. This time, she just forgot the appointment. The first 3 times were not her fault, but this appointment she just forgot. I really get bent out of shape when things do not go according to schedule. I had my appointment scheduled for 8:15AM and ended up having it at 9:30AM instead. I couldn't even reconfirm my appointment until 9:00AM because the office that manages everything doesn't open until then. Anyway, onto the meat and potatoes.

I really struggled to talk truthfully about how I am feeling. Mood wise I am doing well. Nightmares and anxiety are really high though. Because they are intertwined (medicine causing nightmares which exacerbates my anxiety etc.) I was so afraid she'd want to try another med. I really didn't want that to happen. I mentioned my anxiety and what he have decided to do is up the Lamictal (still titrating up), and add Buspar. I think I have tried Buspar before. I don't remember being on it long. I think we stopped it because I saw a completely different provider. We will see if it helps me with my anxiety. It can't really be an "as needed" medicine, and has to be taken every day and takes a few weeks to have full effect.. but it is not habit forming, sedating, or anything of that nature so it should not be an issue to take. Just another pill in my cocktail I guess.


I scheduled another appointment in three weeks, since the mood is doing better. Let's hope for the best. Next appointment is not until the 27th with a new therapist. Wish me luck on that one too.

Sorry this is super TMI. But they tell you not to have sex for like 6 weeks or so after a hysterectomy. I don’t know if that applies to other things but last night I just couldn’t really control myself. And I kinda, you know. And now I’m in a bit of pain. I’m also wearing jeans for the first time in 2 weeks because I have a therapy appointment with a new therapist and I want to look decent. I tried going to Walmart but I couldn’t make it. I was in the car and then asked my mom to take me home. The seatbelt hits right at where my incisions are. My mom wasn’t exactly happy because now she has to do the shopping. I tried doing a pickup order yesterday but they were booked for several days out. No idea why. Even when the pandemic was bad earlier this year and late last year I could always get a next day slot. But I came home and I’m in bed and I sent my mom a list of things I need with pictures. I basically just need soup and other canned stuff and macaroni and cheese and yogurt and pudding. Plus a bag of Goldfish. Basically it’s just like 2 aisles and the dairy section. I need a lot of stuff though. So I hope she doesn’t get too pissed.

I’m not exactly sure what to tell my doctor if I did do some damage to myself. Hopefully everything is ok. I don’t know what to expect at my post op appointment on Thursday. I hope it’s not painful.

I was desperate for sleep last night so I took 20mil of melatonin and 3 zzquil gummies and one or 2 Benadryl and I used my sleep lotion. It lasted for awhile until 12:53 and then I was up for about half an hour. Then I took another Benadryl and I got back to sleep with my music turned on but I didn’t have my headphones on. I just had the phone next to me. I woke up right before 7 with the song La Vie Boeheme from Rent playing. I felt rested although I’m kind of worn out right now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 I had a great visit with my daughter yesterday. It was over too soon. We’re mulling over plans to get together over my vacation. Nothing has been finalized as to my vacation plans. We tentatively plan to meet in Atlanta. I’m going to be on vacation 10/15-10/24. My sister will be off work that week but told me last night that she was going out of town the 20th - 24th and when would I be back from Atlanta. I responded that I was firm on my dates and that I had been taking care of mother and brother for years and I am seriously depleted. I said if we have to call in help than that’s what we’ll do but I am off through the 24th. She is pretty aggressive and can be a bulldozer but I’m standing firm. My mom has also tried to get me to change my vacation (of course) but it’s no go. What about burn out don’t these folks get? I hope everybody has a peaceful day.

How aggravating! Your family should be grateful to you.

I miss my psychiatrist and I'm sorry I got stuck with the dud I have to see now. I heard that the clinic hired a new pdoc, but I haven't seen him around the clinic. Maybe he'll start work later this month.


The weather is gorgeous, low 70's, but there's a fierce wind blowing. It's a "there goes my hair" day.

I wish I had the money to buy a mocha from a cafe, but I don't have even $3.


I've been riding a rickety old roller coaster for the past weeks. For example, I wake up an anxious mess. That lasts for a while, then I feel pretty good. Then back to the anxiety, and so on. Up, down, up, down. I feel like screaming. And any minute the roller coaster could fall apart.

I really need my stimulus check. Like, desperately. I think it's only in California, I don't think it's federal.


I'm pretty sure that some of the meds I'm on cause cognitive issues. I can't retain information for more than a minute. I have to keep re-checking whatever I'm doing because I keep forgetting

Hugs all around

That sounds awful Beth, I hope the new doctor starts soon and has some ideas.

I ran errands today, it’s coolish, in the 60’s with no sun so I thought I’d be fine with a hoodie. Instead I got overheated. Sometimes I hate my meds. I put my T-shirt back on now and I’m cooler. I had to return three requests back to the library half read cause they all came at the same time. All of them tiny print and huge books. Took my new pants to the seamstress, she does a fantastic job and only charges $6. Very much worth it. Returned mum’s bra. She keeps buying them too small around. If I hadn’t been so hot I would have gone and looked for a couple for her. But I really think her needs to get them on line. I’m trying to talk her into it. Made a giant loop around town, I prefer that to running back and forth, especially now that gas is going up again. I think we’re about to have a giant inflation hit us.

Finally got up at 3. Four hours was just not enough!

I met with my new therapist today. She’s the best out of the 2 others I’ve seen. I have to just admit to myself though that I will not be finding a therapist exactly like my transference T. But this one was very nice. She laughed a lot even when I wasn’t trying to be funny. One time she asked if I was throwing in humor and I said yeah. So she’s respectful. She said she likes to use humor. Although she was serious when I was talking about serious topics. I explained about just having surgery so that’s why I was off. She’s cool with trans people and has worked with people all over the autism spectrum. She told me she’s vaccinated when I asked. She won’t let her clients take off their masks and she has an air humidifier. She said she’s taking Covid really seriously. Which I am glad and I respect her for that. She told me she was vaccinated when I asked. Basically she reminds me of my therapist I had at my last high school. Who jokes around but can also be serious too.

Basically if I can get over the fact that I will never find a T that is exactly like my transference T, then this one will work out fine.

But she charges for emails. A lot. I’ve never heard of that before. I mean I’ve heard of not being allowed to email therapists but not of being charged half of what a session would be for an email. My mom said this seems like it’s a high end place just because of where it’s located.

OH I tried that years ago. When I finished I still had a clump of wet clay LOL :P

Yeah that’s what I’m afraid of!! Lol

Glad you had a good time with your Daughter

Congrads on standing your ground about your vacation