Bipolar check-in #59

My mother visited for Thanksgiving on Sunday. It was nice for our family to be together.

We saw the new Bond movie, No Time to Die. The movie was good and I can see that they are updating the franchise to be more current in terms of what's happening in the world (nothing about covid, just changing times and audience expectations).

I've been thinking a lot about what my life, and I'm sure many others here, is like.

For a "normal" person (someone without known mental health issues) life can be a simple relationship that lives between what you put into it, you get out of it. For example if they want to get stronger, put in exercise and get out a stronger body.

For me on the other hand, I feel awful most of the time, gripped with depression and anxiety. So the question is, what do you put in to get the result of feeling better?

Exercise? Meditation? Sleep? Listen to music? Self care? Positive thinking? Vitamins? Get a hobby? Hang out with friends? Work?

The thing is, I've tried all those things and continue to do them even though they have done nothing to help improve my mood. The relationship between what you put in and get out of life is clearly broken by bipolar.

I have a really hard time explaining this to my wife and family.

I'm not looking for solutions, I'm just making a general comment on many of our situations. Thanks for reading.

It’s past 2 and I just now took my first Valium because my anxiety has been so mild all day. This surgery really is helping quite a lot. Besides the out of control libido thing. I do need to remember to stay on a schedule with food and meds. Since I may have a headache from not having any Valium in 24 hours.

We got 6 cases of soda at the store today. 3 mountain dews for me and 3 diet Coke’s for my mom and brother. My mom wouldn’t let me lift the cases even though I felt like I could. I guess I really shouldn’t push it until I get the doctors ok. No matter how good I am feeling. The generic brand of Tylenol works pretty good though to be honest. I often find generic stuff to be better then name brand.

I’m losing weight fast but my shirts are getting smaller. That’s supposed to happen. My weight is supposed to shift to my stomach. But I hope It doesn’t happen too badly because I spent about $100 on fall clothes earlier this year. I hope my stomach is still just swollen from the surgery and it will go down.

My package finally is saying it’s out for delivery and it says it should be here between half and hour and 6PM.

Finally got a message to my pdoc. Had to talk with someone in clinical coverage first but he was nice. Pdoc will call me back at some point. Also, my case manager may call me back.

My husband and I will still be away from home for a few days. Neither of us felt our best today, but Hubby worse in the first part of the day. Me, in the evening. I had extreme chills out of nowhere, starting around 5 pm. It took a huge effort to finally warm up. You can't imagine the number of layers I wore and had on top of me. Then, suddenly hot as blue blazes. Hubby said he didn't feel a fever. I'm wondering if perhaps some seasonal sinusitis is to blame. I felt hints coming on a few days ago, and I have a long history of it, especially in autumn. I've also had an abnormally long period this month, albeit light these past five days. That's another thing I've experienced in the past, and it checked out OK. Haven't again until this month after over a year.

I barely ate dinner, but now felt a little hungry. A couple caramel biscuits and a hotel pillow chocolate were helpful.

Hubby doesn't like this "vacation" even though it was all his idea. I've tried to be positive. More so than him.

@Scooter9, your questions are good ones for us all to contemplate. You may even wish to post them in a thread of its own, so it isn't overlooked. I'm a little too tired to respond right now as it's almost 9:30 pm where I am, and I'm a little under the weather right now.

My mom was talking about wills and trusts today. I am considered part of the group that will be in a special needs fund. I don’t totally get everything but my sister is the trustee after my mom dies and then if something happens to my sister or if she is unable to do it my 59 year old uncle who lives really far away will be the next trustee. I’ve only seen him once in 2 years. I’m wondering why it wouldn’t be my aunt who I see all the time or even my other uncle who I’m very close to. I mean wouldn’t you get someone who knows a bit more about the situation then someone who lives on the other side of the country who you see maybe once every 2 years?

Or maybe even my brother in law. I’ll have to ask her why she decided on him. It just seems kind of random tbh.

She said because he’s a lawyer in estates and wills and trusts. So he knows this stuff. She said the distance doesn’t matter. He doesn’t need to live near us to do anything. Plus she said he’s 10 years younger then her and 8 years younger then my uncle and 7 years younger then my aunt. To her it make sense and I guess that’s all that matters.

I just looked at my calendar and I should have been dealing with PMS these last 6 days but I have felt nothing PMS related. Physically or mentally. So I guess the surgery did actually work.

The only side effects I’ve had was that one week of pain and fatigue and a couple days of post op stuff. And my appetite has been super low. But basically I’ve been really stable since.

My package is still not here. I told my mom I was getting something and she didn’t ask what. She’s good at respecting my privacy when it comes to these things. It’s going to come in a prime box so it’s not like she’s going to know what it is. She’s never asked questions. I told her in text one time around April 2020 that I have private things that I discuss with my therapist but I’d like her to respect my privacy. And she has.

I just hope it doesn’t come during world news when she goes into the family room. Then I’d have to walk right past her with it. If she’s in her room where she watches jeopardy, then cool. I’m not sure she’s really into it right now though. She had been super involved for a long time. My echo also dings when I get something. So I’m just in my room waiting.

Edit. It came. She was in the family room getting ready to head to her room and I got a notice on my phone. She asked if I needed help and I said no that I could handle it that it wasn’t that big. She said ok. Then went into her room and I got the package in and put away in my dresser. Easy.

Well pdoc hasn't called me back and it's after 530. Of course!

I feel like pdoc doesn't care about me because she didn't call back. Probably didn't even read her email about me.

Had pot throwing tonight. I’ve done it one other time but it didn’t turn out. There was only three others there so it was nice and small. I didn’t make a single cylinder. Most of my stuff looks like coin pots. Go back in two weeks to glaze them. I had visions of Christmas presents but ha ha these, nope. They look like a three year old made them. the artworks has a November painting class I think I’ll sign up for. I have better luck with painting but also I’ve spent more time doing it. Now I’m wondering about getting a membership and being able to go to the center and practice throwing. It was sure fun, but I think I need hours and hours of practice! Clay is cool you use it then reform it and use it again! I’ve done tons of hand building but never tried the wheel but once. Never had the opportunity. It’s fun.

Maybe if you try smoking pot while throwing pots you'll have a really great time, Nammu.

It`s been a pretty hard few days. One of my older nieces cat had to be put down while she was on a trip. She and her boyfriend rescued her cat from a shelter and she was very much loved. Of course my nieces and nephew and her boyfriend were devastated. My sister was devastated as well because she and my brother in law had to take the cat to an emergency vet to see if she could be saved. She couldn`t be saved. I felt so awful for them because my dog passed away in April and I could really sympathize with them.

On Monday my Mom was coming into the house after shopping and she tripped and fell and cut her nose. My dad and I were there and helped her. I remained calm and got some paper towels for her nose and also some ice. She did get the bleeding to stop but we thought she should go to the urgent care center. She went and they took x-rays and they said they would call if something was wrong. She`s ok now thank God. I was calm but that night I couldn`t sleep and I had racing thoughts. It was so scary to see that. I love my Mom very much and to see her hurt was awful and scary.

I`m really tired right now and my head is starting to hurt . I hope I can sleep tonight. Sending out hugs to all that need them. I hope this week gets better.

That’s hard to see our mum’s frailty like that.

Apparently I'm yelling instead of talking and my frustration is showing. IDK. I have to shower tonight but I don't wanta. It's an hour passed my night time meds and I don't want them. I have two hours until I have to take them. I will. but everything is getting me angry. this sucks. My headphones are blocking out any noise. last night I was getting tactile hallucinations. I still feel like I can't breathe. this mood sucks.

MM, you sound like you could be mixed. I'm so sorry; that's a horrible thing to go through. My pdoc once told me it's the hardest thing that she sees.

I know it's hard but please take the meds. This can only get worse without them. Try to sleep your way through it.

BeyondtheRainbow I was thinking that or angry manic. I'm trying not to do anything "stupid" but man do I want to.

MM, I understand. Mixed just takes over and tells you all kinds of bad stuff. But you've got to fight back. Don't let this awful stuff take over. You are stronger than the bad thoughts.

Hubby and I really slept in this morning, getting up only to have breakfast at the hotel restaurant, then going back to our room for more sleep.

It's been raining for much of the day where I am. Cold rain. When heading back from a walk, it started to hail. Right now it's 3 C (37 F) where we are, a little after 3 pm.

I bought my first two pieces of new clothing in my new country. Maybe I'll blend in a little better. Or maybe not. I don't look Czech. Obviously my husband does, but people can tell he doesn't seem totally local because of his clothes and likely his sunglasses. One day walking down the street, silent, some woman we never saw before looked at Hubby and said, in English, "Hello, my friend!" LOL! Sizing in Europe is a bit different than in the US. The numbering is different, plus when there is S, M, L, XL, 2 XL, etc., in Europe you need one larger than in the US.

Oh ohh I’ve fallen off the wagon with regards to aqua fitness. My alarm went off this morning and I reluctantly got up but didn’t make it out the door. It’s cold and rainy plus my back is killing me from bending over the potting wheel last night. So I decided to get dressed instead. This make two weeks of not going. Ever since it got too cold to just wear a wrap around to and from. I’m very reluctant to use the changing rooms as most people do not use masks and my area is very extreme high risk. My sister knows a lady who works for the hospitals in this area and several hospitals in this and other hospitals around here are full up. I know I’ve got my shots and I wear a mask, but ugh, why can’t others do the same? I’ll try to go again Friday morning.

Been around, just silent. Nothing to report. Life goes on.

I just called and left a message for my case manager asking if we can reschedule the appointment I missed a week ago. I hope she calls back and says yes.

My friend just called and invited me to go to the dog park with her (and her dog). We're going to hit up Starbucks first.

Speaking of dogs, my mom's dog went in to get her teeth cleaned and the vet called to say that the dog has two teeth where the bone is bad and the teeth are loose so they have to take those two teeth out. But that she'll still be able to eat. My mom wanted to know if the dog's tongue was going to stick out of her mouth and the vet said no.

I helped Noah get his dining room table and some chairs and drinking glasses from my mom's neighbors and helped him get from the cars (it took 2). Although, I made a mistake and shook the neighbor's hand out of habit! I washed as soon as I could but not before contaminating the car. At least, this is the way I think!