Bipolar check-in #59

My husband and I are heading to Krakow, Poland in less than an hour. Higher in the mountains was, in fact, the first big snow of the season. We enjoyed the mountains, but are looking forward to a city environment. Krakow is lovely. Hubby was never there, but I briefly visited it in 1991 between my junior and senior years at university. The temps are milder there right now, in the 60s F (around 17 C). Anyone interested in that story can read it at Summer work abroad in Poland – Bird Flight

I'm tired this morning and looking forward to hopefully better food. I remember Polish food as being better.

Attached is a snow capped mountain I photographed this morning (High Tatra Mountains) in Slovakia.

How would i know if i'm depressed? I repeat to myself, "I hate myself," over and over, when i think of shameful memories of things i have said and done. Is that depression? I have no energy. I'm nearly silent. I cry easily. I shaved my head. I'm overeating. I don't keep up with my activities-of-daily-living. Laundry and cleaning are at crisis-levels. Is that depression?

Sounds like it. Do you have a plan to tackle it (talk to pdoc, use light therapy, go hang out at a dog park, whatever?) Hope you get to feeling better soon

I dyed my hair blue this morning. Been up since 2am. Got a workout in despite my foot/spine. I am going on that *******ed "date" and I will risk putting myself out there but I won't cling to her like she's the answer to all my problems. I am confident in myself and practice self-compassion independent of others' perspectives. We are going to have fun being with each other because we are not the addicts we try to handle every day. And my hair is fkkking blue now so that's cool. Today's probably going to be an ensure day. I seriously need to somehow get across to my therapist that my eating is fkkked to the point it could be "disordered" I think she thinks I'm not eating because of mixed stuff going on and just not having an appetite but like I'm denying myself the ability to eat. I drink like 7 L of water or tea a day instead of eating. Like, I have the coping skills mastered. But there's a lot of root stuff that's horribly wrong. Like boundaries. I realized it was kinda messeed up when in group the question was "how do you handle it when someone crosses your boundaries" but my answer was "Convince myself it's OK" and I got a lot of "no that's not the right answer' looks and sounds, but that's what I did when I was being abused and that was my survivor tactic and it helped then but it's hurting now so that's just one example of a thing I have to work on. I see my therapist next week. I'm asking for weekly sessions now. I'm going to get the ****ing sheets blue lol.

I got a n pointment with the neurologist! In freaking January! I was expecting a wait, but not four months!

I was in the garage fooling around with my soda collection when my mom got a call from the doctors office. And my insurance approved the surgery! I am beyond happy and relieved right now. I was stressing out so badly for weeks. I emailed my therapist about it. I hope she’s at least a bit happy for me. Now I need to go out to the grocery store and Walmart to get some easy light on my stomach recovery food and some special soap I need to use before my surgery.

My melatonin I think has completely crapped out on me. So I’m going to give Benadryl a try. It’s worked before but it makes me a bit hungry so that’s why I haven’t taken it in awhile.

But man am I happy about this news. Now my anxiety can ease up.

I'm doing laundry!

I took out the trash too!

I wish i wouldn't press the panic button when my activities-of-daily-living slide. I get to them eventually. Today is three days later than i hoped for but i guess i needed to rest and gather strength.

I'm not proud that i get so very little done but a fun friend in Vancouver said he looks at it this way: he feels he does the work of ten psychiatrists and 100 psychiatric nurses everyday just taking care of himself. I will try and keep this in mind. This frees up psychiatric staff to take care of others who are in more dire straits than i am.

@Sapien:

Good luck on your date. Sounds like you have a healthy attitude towards it. My hair was blue before i shaved it. I find blue hair very flattering! I quite enjoyed it and got many compliments!

Glad you're having fun with your hair! I'm always sad to see people spend a fortune and have emotional turmoil all to make their hair look naturally youthful thru fake means. I hate the fake-natural-look, so phony.

Have fun, i say! I colored my hair myself using a natural vegetable dye for eight dollars! Now i'm shaving it with clippers i bought for $15! No muss, no fuss, no dealing with a stylist!

My plan re my "depression" is as always: endure. I don't indulge it and i don't reject it. I just allow it to pass like a cloud in the sky.

I'm sorry to hear you're having trouble eating. Eating disorders are so very tough to conquer. But all you can do is persevere in trying and one day you will get there! Success is falling down 100 times and getting up 101!

Glad you're working out your $h!t in therapy and having useful realizations about yourself and recognizing maladaptive coping strategies.

Sounds like you are on the right track to good things happening!

Last week I hurt the left side of my lower back and hip in aqua fitness class. Last night I’d gotten to the point that I decided to call the doctor today, but on waking this morning it’s better!

Boy are the days cooler! The leaves are changing. I had hoped it wouldn’t be so until next month. Here fall is short and winter comes early when fall is early. I hate winter with its short dark days and snow! Ugh, I get so tired of snow.

My cat must have been cold last night too because he was sleeping with me this morning! I hope he makes it a regular thing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by whatever2013 .... I'm sorry to read you are also having struggles with benzos. You are surely right -- they DO work. This nonsense about them losing potency after two weeks is dreck. I sure feel your pain. Since i re-instated at 25% of my dose i have been feeling much healthier but still shaken by my intense withdrawal experience. I'm not attending to my activities-of-daily-living. But the hysteria, fear and rage are gone, thankfully. Hopefully i will feel healed enough to do some laundry and cleaning soon because it's really getting to be a crisis.

Thank you, Jane. Yeah...I feel pretty stuck right now. Klonopin is the most effective med I've ever been on - and I've been on at least 35 meds over the years. It's hard when I'm told that the one medication that truly helps me is the one I can't take

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour My husband and I are heading to Krakow, Poland in less than an hour. Higher in the mountains was, in fact, the first big snow of the season. We enjoyed the mountains, but are looking forward to a city environment. Krakow is lovely. Hubby was never there, but I briefly visited it in 1991 between my junior and senior years at university. The temps are milder there right now, in the 60s F (around 17 C). Anyone interested in that story can read it at Summer work abroad in Poland – Bird Flight I'm tired this morning and looking forward to hopefully better food. I remember Polish food as being better. Attached is a snow capped mountain I photographed this morning (High Tatra Mountains) in Slovakia.

A beautiful photograph and a wonderful story! Thank you for sharing them, Soupe.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Last week I hurt the left side of my lower back and hip in aqua fitness class. Last night I’d gotten to the point that I decided to call the doctor today, but on waking this morning it’s better! Boy are the days cooler! The leaves are changing. I had hoped it wouldn’t be so until next month. Here fall is short and winter comes early when fall is early. I hate winter with its short dark days and snow! Ugh, I get so tired of snow. My cat must have been cold last night too because he was sleeping with me this morning! I hope he makes it a regular thing.

It's so nice when the cats are cold so they cuddle

100 degrees here today, God help us. Supposedly by Sunday the temperature will be in the high 80's. Wow, do I look forward to that!

It's great that your back improved overnight. Yay!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I was in the garage fooling around with my soda collection when my mom got a call from the doctors office. And my insurance approved the surgery! I am beyond happy and relieved right now. I was stressing out so badly for weeks. I emailed my therapist about it. I hope she’s at least a bit happy for me. Now I need to go out to the grocery store and Walmart to get some easy light on my stomach recovery food and some special soap I need to use before my surgery. My melatonin I think has completely crapped out on me. So I’m going to give Benadryl a try. It’s worked before but it makes me a bit hungry so that’s why I haven’t taken it in awhile. But man am I happy about this news. Now my anxiety can ease up.

FANTASTIC!!!

Nice photo with the winding road!

I just feeling like absolutely crying. I don't understand any of this anymore. My therapist left me feeling even more confused than when I came to therapy today. I'm just feeling unable to be helped. Beyond that, she told me today she is leaving the center in october so I need to find another therapist. I don't want to start over. I don't want to deal with this. Im just upset, and I just can't seem to help myself out.

Thanks for the pic @Soupe du jour! I really enjoy your pics and it's nice that you take us along on your journeys.

Great news for you @Mountaindewed, it's a big weight off your shoulders!

I have "discovered" dried fruit!

I'm looking for low fat alternatives to the things I like to eat while my system gets used to life without a gallbladder. I love chocolate and cookies and all sorts of things that are high in fat.

There's a really nice store close to me that specializes in nuts and died fruit. I hadn't paid much attention to dried fruit before but I decided to try a variety to see if I could have that instead of my sweets that I like. I'm glad I did because I really enjoy them and they are low in fat which is perfect.

I've been reading about ketamine infusions and I didn't know that you get high from ketamine during treatment. That's going to change things for me. I thought I could go for the infusion in the morning and work on the afternoon. But I'm not sure sure how that'll work out.

I’m doing well today. I’m much more at ease then I have been. My mom and I were going out to eat at a restaurant we had a gift card for. But I got nervous at all the truckers there. So we just ordered to go. I also went to Walmart to get a few things. I took a Benadryl about half an hour ago and so far I’m not feeling much of anything. I took my Geodon then too. I chugged a glass of cranberry juice for dinner just to make sure everything stays ok. I emailed my therapist because I was super happy. And she chose to call my mom instead and talk about my med situation. My mom told her it is under control and that she is aware about things. I didn’t get an email response from my therapist though. I’m trying not to let it get me down but I wish she’d say something. I get that she may not agree with what I’m doing regarding getting this surgery since it can be tough for people who are pro life to understand. But she could at least fake it.

Have you tried freeze dried fruit? I like the strawberry ones. I get them from Trader Joe’s.

Hugs to all that are suffering right now

I’m pretty sure I’ve got most things settled for the wedding. I was losing it on Monday because I didn’t realize I had to make an appointment three weeks beforehand to get our marriage license! Avoidance anxiety will be the death of me. The township didn’t call back until halfway through Tuesday but thankfully we have our appointment. The requirements are unbelievable. I managed to gather everything from different sources on my end. Our only roadblock now is that RS has to have a license reflecting his current address and when we moved he had just renewed it so he didn’t get one. We figured it doesn’t matter since he changed his address online with the DMV and has the paper to prove it. But I don’t want to take any chances, he ordered a duplicate license today. It will take “up to” two weeks to get here. Our appointment is in exactly two weeks. I can only hope it gets here before that. If not we will forge on with his proof of change and receipt reflecting that he ordered a new one.

I got a reply to the invitation I sent my cousin complete with a nasty note about how I’ve never tried to contact him outside of holidays and also never wished him happy birthday. I can’t even be mad. That whole side of the family is completely unhinged. Somehow it’s our fault that we’re not close to any of them? They never made any effort to get together outside of holidays and maybe birthdays either. Like never. On top of that they’re nasty and passive aggressive. Seriously it’s like some sort of bizarre comedy show. Well that basically just clinches me not seeing them anymore so I guess we’re all good lol. I never wanted the cousins there anyway, I only invited them because my grandma pressured me.

I’m still getting nervous about actually getting married and still can’t put my finger on why. Maybe I’m scared it will end up like my first marriage. Like I’m scared I’ll be tied to RS because if he morphs into a complete a-hole somehow I won’t be able to get away. But honestly it’s not like my first husband was only a jerk after marriage. He came out of the gate like that, I just didn’t see it as a problem because I was young and had no self esteem.

I’m so glad tomorrow is Friday AND it’s a half day for the students.

I’m feeling better. I had to quickly. Mom fell and hit her head and broke her wrist badly enough that she needs surgery. I’m dog tired right now after caring for those two and I’m heading to bed. I did take time out to briefly soak up some sunshine, sip an iced coffee and nibble warm banana walnut bread.

My daughter shared with me that she had Covid recently but didn’t tell me because she didn’t want me to worry. I knew it! For about two weeks, every time I talked to her she was sick. She also worked from home for two weeks. I’m just glad she’s healthy and came through it okay.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day tomorrow.