Bipolar check-in #59

Hi wildflowerchild. I think all teachers should be greatly appreciated, but the work you do with children with special needs is uniquely important and I assume more challenging than other fields. Please do stand by your principles while also ensuring your own well-being. Thanks for what you do!

My late nephew and even my brother had to attend special schools in their youth, because of unique challenges. Their potential is/was very great. I know even from my own experience how important a great teacher can be. I had to be transferred to a private school for various reasons, and even there I wasn't always "an easy student to deal with", so to speak. But my great teachers made a huge difference for me and will be remembered for a lifetime.

I hope the urgent care place can help you, WindsThatBlow. During the last couple of years my husband and I lived in New Jersey we mostly only went to an urgent care facility. Though we liked our primary care doctor, he was never really available and his staff were obnoxious. Plus, urgent care can be so so much more pleasant than having to go to a hospital ER.

Though the visitation co-pay was higher at the urgent care than our primary care doc, it was much cheaper than the ER. To go to the ER was a nightmare, every time. At the urgent care our waits were significantly shorter and more pleasant, and they could do a number of things that an ER does, but a primary doesn't. The one we went to even had a typical NJ diner next door. The urgent care let you go to the diner, and then called your cell phone when your number came up. We'd sit in the urgent care drinking coffee and eating either breakfast or some other food. Loved that place!

I had a period of severe migraines maybe five years ago for a good two years. They were so bad that all I did was vomit each time I got one. I ended up going to a neurologist and she prescribed sumatriptan self-injections. The thought of them was daunting in the beginning, but they worked so great and so fast that I got over that mental discomfort (they didn't actually hurt). I agree stress can be a trigger, as well as other things. For what it is worth, mine eventually stopped. I haven't had a migraine for about those five years. Hope yours stop, too.

Hubby and I are just waiting for our hybrid Subaru Crosstrek to be ready to pick up in Prague. We had it shipped from the US to us in Europe. Many here have likely heard how backed up shipping has been, because of covid. Well, our car took a long long time, too. Once we get it, we want to quickly buy a new charging cable that works in Europe and then we're on the road to France.

The time has come to try to figure out where we want to settle more permanently. France or Czech Republic. I don't want to keep renting when that money should go towards a real estate investment, before the money runs low. I also need to know which language I should be intensely studying. Also, work opportunities for Hubby and maybe someday even me. I want to be more productive. I was always a career-oriented woman. I hope to be again, to at least some degree.

@WindsThatBlow

I have awful migraines and I eventually had to see a neurologist because they were disabling and would go on for days. The neuro tried a couple of triptans until I found one with side effects I could deal with. I’m sure there’s one I could take that wouldn’t have any side effects but since I don’t get them very often I just deal with the side effects when I do. They’re much better than the actual migraine and usually dissipate after an hour.

Neuros in my area take months to get into though. It’s a real shame.

I’m doing ok today. I had a good amount of light bleeding today and my stomach is in pain. But overall I’m ok. I accidentally sent a package to my old address. So now it’s going to take another week to get to my correct address. It was from Sams Club and I put in my new address but I guess there’s a difference between billing and shipping and I just looked at the billing part. So now I don’t know how it will arrive but I’ve had this happen before and it’s usually just forwarded. I did the same thing with something on eBay. It came a week later. This is the 3rd time I think I’ve done it. I don’t know how it works but it has always gotten to my house. I don’t know if the new owners take care of it or if FedEx does. I hope no one gets pissed. I had an Amazon issue too today but that was taken care of. I don’t know if it was a shady seller or what. But my thing never arrived and the company doesn’t do business with Amazon anymore. Whatever that means. But I got a refund

I am so tired. I am so F*&@ing tired of this crap. Why can I not have an experience with people that doesn’t end in disaster. I called the urgent care facility and explained, explicitly – that I don’t have a primary care physician (PHP) but I’ve been dealing with migraines and headaches and is that something they could treat me for. They said yes. I went through the process of making an appointment and everything and got there and filled out paperwork etc. I waited a long time, but I expected that. I heard the staff in the hallway talking about me, because they seemed really confused why I was there. When the APRN came in, I started by explaining I called and was told they could help me. She did say she could give me some imitrex, but adamantly, and rather forcefully, told me that a PCP has to take care of stuff like this and it’s not their place to do it. I asked, why wasn’t I told that when I called before hand and asked if this was something they could do.

She got hateful, and it just went back and forth to the point she told me I could leave if I didn’t like her advice. I told her, again, what my issue was, how she dismissed it as she told me “she didn’t answer this phone and this was her last day anyway” and that I will go to a PHP to follow-up, but I would appreciate medicines. She hatefully asked me my pharmacy.

She had another person tell me I could leave. I asked if I would get any papers (discharge) or anything, she asked if I needed them, and I explain that I don’t – I just was used to that. I asked the APRN for her name and she refused to give it to me. I reiterated 2-3 times. So I am not allowed to know the name of the provider I saw and prescribed medicine? I told her I was going to file a complaint and she clapped her hands and laughed and said “HAHA., IT’S MY LAST DAY.” – I let her know I do know what the board of nursing is, and left. I’m so angry I am shaking. WHY CAN’T I HAVE AN INTERACTION THAT DOESN’T END LIKE THIS. Is it me? Is it really me? I just can’t deal with people. I just really can’t. I'm asbolutely giving up. People are not worth it, feeling "better" isn't worth the drama to try to get there. I'd much rather suffer and die this way than deal with people in this way. If it's my fault they don't deserve it, if they are left feeling any bit as awful as it makes me feel.

I don't even want to pick up the medicine because I am angry and my pharmacy, while interactions have settled -- make me anxious and awful feeling and I feel I've been in there too many damn times.

EDIT: Fun note, the APRN put the Imitrex in as name brand only nasal spray, so it's of course not in stock and should be by Tuesday. I don't have a migraine right now anyway but chances are give it two days, this stress will cause one. I hope to God I don't have to suffer. I'm at my wits end. If anyone may have it on hand, it would be the small-town pharmacies which aren't open on weekends. I've called two pharmacies and they don't have it. Again, it's not like it is pressing but it is pressing. I just know I'm going to have to suffer. I really am so tired of this round and round. I am made out to be incompetent and the bad guy in these situations.


Suffering in silence at least means I'm not suffering to fight to not suffer. It's not worth it. I've lived this long just "dealing with it". I will continue. I am not sure what the next step is, but if it were made today -- I'd cancel all appointments and just go back to suffering alone. I just am tired of problem after problem with common denominator being me.

I don't even have an ability to do that today (nor would I, I am just really upset) but I hope the feeling passes... but I am not sure at this point I can wave it away and call it some "bad experiences but the ends justify the means."

I got my Sams Club order fixed. They issued a refund and I reordered it to my correct address. So I guess the new homeowners at my last place just got a free box of protein shakes. I’m not exactly sure what they will or are able to do though. I’d personally return it to Sams Club and explain things or drop it back off at FedEx. But that may be too much of a hassle for them so if they choose to keep it I don’t care. I don’t want to create more work for people when it was my fault.

I was feeling kinda cranky and I knew it was food related so I ate a giant pumpkin muffin and I had a mug of mint herbal tea and I’m feeling better now.

I want to go out but I’m not really sure where I want to go. I never go out on the weekend. Even before Covid hit I never went out except during school hours and very early on Sunday mornings. Also all my therapists live in the area and I don’t want to run into any of them.

I’m still kinda anxious so I took half my night meds and a Valium with a mug of tension tamer tea. I told my therapist I sometimes take Valium with tension tamer tea and it works really well and she said “of course it’s going to work really well” she thought it was funny but I’m going to try to scale back on these med discussions since people can get pissed real fast. She was great on Monday with the whole thing but I really need to cool it and just stick to my melatonin. I already threw out 2 of my other kinds so now I only have the one kind of melatonin. I still take 20 mil but when I’ve tried taking just 10 I wake up at 11-1 at night and have trouble getting back to sleep.

But I respect this therapist a lot and I don’t feel transference with her so I’d just like to do things correctly so nothing ends up happening.

I’m really tired right now for some reason. I haven’t taken any melatonin or used my sleep lotion. I wonder if it was the tea/Valium combo. I feel fine physically just tired.

Hey ! They both came up instead of just Joe, which I was so happy about. They live close 800 miles away more middle of Florida. Cindy loved the land. We hiked every square inch.. They have a spring that Steve and I didnt see the other day. Lots of up and down so I am wore out. They want to get updated survey. The land has so much potential just needs alot of clearing but the amount of hard wood would help them in building a home.

They are going to look at one other place today and they already know the land is too flat. They actually looked at a place a few miles away last month but the owner just cant decide if she really wants to sell..

It really is such a peaceful place. I think what really helped Cindy to know that its probably "the place" we were at the top east corner and we heard a whinny and there was a beautiful paint. She has a quarter horse and a paint that will come up here.

Well the new meds no longer are giving me any consistent sleep Steve rubbed my back last night a long time before I was able to relax enough. He says if he needs to rub my back every night he will, But that isn't something I want him to feel the need to do all the time.

It's always something

Hope everyone is having a nice weekend

Some days I really like technology, today is one of those days. Our grocery store has a card that you can use to get cents of of gas. They’ve been sending coupons though email and saying you can download on to your card. I was having trouble getting it, then my sister showed me. I ended up having to set a new password but I got coffee for 3.99 and eggs for .49 cents. Big savings! Since it’s mum who drinks the coffee I’m glad to save so much on it.

Talked my daughter into going to the wreath and candles making class with me. That should be super fun. It’s not until the end of November but there were only 4 spots left. Class size is limited to eight. Better for instructions. Looking forward to it.

Sorry Christina. I just hope you don’t end up where you were before with no sleep, that was terrible 😢

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu .... Talked my daughter into going to the wreath and candles making class with me. That should be super fun. It’s not until the end of November but there were only 4 spots left. Class size is limited to eight. Better for instructions. Looking forward to it.

That sounds amazingly fun!

We're finally getting some rain out here! The drought is terrible and rain is desperately needed.

I've been battling depression for weeks by noticing my breathing and making an enormous effort to feel some joy, even if the feeling only lasts a few minutes. Since medication is only slightly helpful any more, I'm thinking neuro burn-out, that situation when the brain isn't responding to meds any more because of taking meds for so many years.

Beth do you think a med vacation might help?

I have spent the past week visiting various bluffs, ravines, and waterfalls across the state, and I have gotten very much into HIIT over the past couple weeks too. I encountered my first snow! Kept me off the summits of Mts. Madison and Adams along with 50+mph winds! I feel inspired, but too speedy to write anything so I just enjjoy my poetic, quick, loud,robust, ryming thoughts, . I got a guitar too!

I tried the 20mil melatonin and the sleep lotion and I closed my blackout curtains. I usually do take a Benadryl with the melatonin. My mom got the wrong kind but I think it will work the same. I don’t think I’m being dishonest to my therapist. I’m just taking what I usually take.

Those generics are all different. The name brand ligiud Benadryl worked great. I hope I don’t have an issue in the morning. Like with tiredness or hunger.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Beth do you think a med vacation might help?

I wonder about that, too. The pdoc at my clinic is horrid but, thankfully, she is temporary while they hired a permanent pdoc. I've heard good reports about the pdoc they hired. I'm told he'll start taking appointments by next month. SO, if he's a decent pdoc I will talk with him about a med vacation. Once upon a time med vacations were a respected aspect of treatment. I don't know if they still are.

Just my opinion cause I’m no doctor or even an expert but I think monitored med vacations can do a lot of good. But then that was my personal experience. I had a great T who kept me apprised of any sudden moods and helped me stay calm and even. Then when I went back on meds it was new meds and far less. Granted I waited too long to go back on the meds. I waited 2 1/2 years until I was in the middle of a mixed episode. Mixed I can’t tolerate so I got meds pronto when that happened

I helped my mom's husband winterize the motorhome today and in return he bought us both Wendy's. My chicken sandwich was HOT! Lots of pickles which I don't remember that sandwich having, but they were good anyway.

My friend Caleb has been having problems with his back for 2 months at least now. Severe ongoing pain. He has only worked sporadically in this time. He started seeing an orthopedist (I think that's what it's called) recently and he was at that doctor today and they told him to go to the ER! So he went. Now they want to do surgery in the morning. He can't take anything for the pain- which has been persistent for the whole 2 months, sometimes agonizing, sometimes less so. So please keep him in your thoughts. He didn't bring his phone charger because he didn't know they were going to keep him and his phone is down to 60%.

I was watching Johnny Carson clips/whole shows this evening on YouTube. That was a pretty funny show. I actually went to one of them back in 1991 on a choir tour. I forget who the guests were. I guess I wasn't that thrilled with it, though I should've been. Anyway, there is a whole YouTube channel devoted to Johnny Carson clips and whole shows. They even show the commercials that played back then! Those are really fun.

Edit: John Candy! And Caleb's friend saw his post on FB about not having a charger and brought him one!

I don’t have any hunger or drowsiness from the Benadryl. But it didn’t really work. I woke up before 3 and I got a bit of sleep after. I’m just anxious basically and I don’t want to get out of bed. This is funny but I didn’t want to wear pants last night to bed. I just slept in my fruit of the loom underwear until I woke up. No clue why. My pants I was wearing were pretty loose. I had planned on shopping today but I don’t know if I have the energy to even get out of bed and take a shower. My mood could for sure be weather related.

I tried leaving my house to go grocery shopping but once I got outside I was like not today. So now I’m back in bed but at least now I’m sitting up and I have the light on. But my bed is not made and I need to do laundry and I have TV shows to watch but just no motivation for anything.

Something spilled all over my bed and I think it was a Mountain Dew zero sugar but I finished it so I don’t know how so much got on my bed. I for sure did not pee myself. That I would know. Although my bed looks like I did. I was was wearing jeans That all of a sudden don’t fit. Like I can barely button them and they fit fine a week ago and I have not gained any weight. I don’t have the money for anything and bills just keep coming in I can’t afford new pants on top of everything.

But I could use a double Valium right now and it’s still really early. The only difference from today and yesterday regarding my anxiety is the generic brand of Benadryl I took. But I did make my bed and I cleaned up a bit.

Does anyone know if Benadryl can increase anxiety? This feels like the anxiety I would get on visteril. Which is in the same class as Benadryl. I was on that for awhile until I forced my former Pdoc to give me Ativan since the only thing that helps my anxiety is benzos.

I just took 2 Valium’s. I’m still kinda agitated but not anxious. Benzos work so good it sucks that some doctors don’t prescribe them. They can take care of massive panic attacks almost instantly.