Bipolar check-in #59

Congrats! That's great. She sounds like your kind of therapist.

Well, had my appointment and got my meds picked up. Limited issues-- I'll leave it at that. We did some tweaking and switching. She seemed pretty convinced the nightmares/vivid dreams are most likely a result of one of my meds so she switched me to another. She upped the Latuda. She did prescribe the prazosin and seroquel for nightmares and sleep respectively. I know it's stupid, because I am still suffering on some level, and it's a balancing act and it's not a fun game. I hate when things get upended, but we are doing what we think is best, right? Let's hope.

I’ve been splitting up my Geodon these last few days because of my high anxiety. Today my anxiety was fine so I took all 180mil Geodon and a Valium and a 10 mil melatonin at one time and now I feel like throwing up. Maybe I should have taken the 20mil a couple hours before the 160. I can’t have any pepto bismol or any antacid for that matter to help with my nausea. I can’t have tea either which always calms my stomach. When a therapist tells me not to do something I don’t listen. When it’s for medical reasons I’m thinking “man your station!” And I take it super seriously. But I want to break the rules so badly right now for a mug of tension tamer tea. I wonder if a lifesaver mint would help.

My friend who was a staff from a treatment center I was in from 2007-2009 still keeps in touch with me. She asked for my new address so she could send me some snacks and stuff. In 11 years she’s been the one person who’s kept in touch. I have other people on Facebook who regularly like and comment on my stuff. But she’s been there for the whole 11 years after I left that place.

My son does not have covid. I won’t even tell you what I went through to get him tested. I’m still a little angry about it, I’m trying to let go.

I worked myself up into a panic this morning about him possibly being sick and what could happen. I felt like I was dying so I bypassed coping skills and just went straight to the Xanax. I don’t take it very often so it is what it is. I also had to take my migraine medicine and that **** put me straight to sleep until 1pm. I hate it, how am I supposed to take it at the onset of a migraine during the day if I’m just going to fall straight asleep? This is the third one I’ve tried, I have to contact my neurologist again.

Haven’t heard from my photographer, I hope nothing’s happened. There’s no way I could find another photographer in 2 weeks.

I just need to chill out for the rest of the evening.

I have an appointment tomorrow to get my abilify injection then 10 minutes after that an appointment with my therapist. (everything’s in the same office, the nurse who gives me my injection , my therapist, my psychiatrist, and my primary care doctor). Then on Thursday I have an appointment with my primary care doctor so I can finally get back on meds for my GERD and back on birth control, to help regulate my period and help with my pms, which has been very bad.

I’m officially off the perphenazine. I’ve been off it well over a week now. The first week the withdrawal effects were bad but now I’m not having any issues and I’m glad to be on less meds.

On Friday I’m going to the little pizza place across the street to get a slice of pizza and a piece of their cheesecake which is really good.

I had fun at my self-care group last week. I’m looking forward to next months group. We’re probably making something autumn themed.

Yesterday I was having olfactory hallucinations and paranoia but they went away thankfully.

Hope everyone is doing alright

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You’ve got a busy week scheduled. I hope it all goes well! It’s kinda cool you can take care of everything in one place/center! I’m super glad you’ve gotten past the struggle of withdrawal for the most part from the perphenazine. Smoother sailing and less meds are always good things.

I’m so filled with fear and trepidation that I can’t get off the couch. I’ll need to take a Klonopin or two. It’s frustrating because I have some time to get away by myself for a few hours and I’m too scared to leave the house.

Yesterday was good. A family friend, my sister and I tackled the house and made great progress. Things look and feel better. The lawn guy came over and the lawn looks nice. I put off my mini getaway to accomplish tasks on the house while I had the help. Today I could go out but I’m too scared. I have two therapy sessions today. Maybe I can work it out there.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

I woke up right before 2AM. I thought it was about 5. My phone was dead so I couldn’t plug in my headphones and listen to music. So I screwed around a bit online until my phone reached 30%. Then I listened to music until I had to plug it in again. I then tried watching TV but I couldn’t get involved in anything. I got up at 6 to take a shower. Ever since I switched beds with my mom I’ve slept really badly. I can’t remember the last time I slept well to be honest. I am a bit crabby and anxious but I took a 20 mil geodon and a Valium and I feel better. But I have bad acid reflux and I can’t take anything for it.

I go for my Covid test at 3 today. I still don’t have to quarantine so I think I’ll go to Applebee’s on Thursday for lunch.

I mean it’s gonna be rough for awhile and I’m just going to accept that it will be bad but that things will get better.

I found a bakery this morning. I got some sourdough bread and a little pumpkin cheesecake and 2 macaroons. I’ve been craving fresh bread and pumpkin cheesecake for awhile.

Now I’m home until my Covid test. My mom is going to take my brother to his Pdoc appointment and I’m going to use that time to put some stuff I don’t want her seeing in my dresser and transferring it to my luggage bag on the top shelf of my closet. Just in case she needs to help me out and get anything in my dresser for me. I did that last October and I remember hiding things in duffel bags. My mom did end up cleaning my room while I was downstairs. She never said anything if she found stuff. My therapist at the time who knew about this stuff said she doubt my mom was looking in a duffel bag

But it’s best now to hide anything I don’t want my mom coming across later.

I also need to do a big grocery store pickup or delivery order for Saturday. I don’t have anything but ramen, cereal, drinks, snacks, and candy in my house. I had my last Cauliflower crust pizza yesterday and I finished my Japanese fish shaped green tea and red bean ice cream bars too.

I’m going to do it scared! Hopefully somewhere along the way, I’ll start enjoying myself. I’m heading out and taking it step by step and moment to moment. I’ll stay out until therapy at 1:30.

For anyone that still reads my ramblings, I’ll talk a little bit about how my night went. I was feeling well, but ready to hopefully get a better nights sleep. I took the prazosin for nightmares and the low-dose seroquel to help me get to sleep. I did in fact have a better time going to sleep, but I did still have some vivid dreams, although upon waking they didn’t cause as much issue as they did before. I did wake up rather early, like 3:30am. So, partial success is still success in my book. Maybe with a better routine, perhaps taking my other meds a bit earlier and trying to limit caffeine in the evening, things will get better.

I also forgot about the first-dose effect of prazosin. It’s technically a blood pressure medicine and the side effect of postural hypotension can be very pronounced. I woke up to use the bathroom and almost passed out. I had to lay down on the bathroom floor. I experienced the same thing the first time I ever took it, so I should have been aware it is probable to happen to me. I don’t remember it ever happening after that though. Guess I’ll do well to remember that.

I still have a very hard time with my meds. It’s something I’m gonna have to get over because I refuse to give it up. The issue is a few hours after taking my medicine, I always feel bad. Mentally bad, physically crappy – but it passes within an hour or two and I start feeling a lot better. I can’t allow a few hours of unease to erase the 90% of the time being awake being a lot better. I Just have to get over it. Yesterday was really rough, but I also got a flu shot. Perhaps just the exacerbated side effects of tiredness and everything just made it seem that much worse.

Hopefully I will find something else to do with my life soon. I truly do feel I spend most of my time waiting for meal times, or planning around routine things. Breakfast-lunch-dinner, time to take meds etc. I’m working on being productive again. It’s been too long.

I'm home. Got a shower last night. A REAL shower! Not 3 drops dripping on my head. I'm still paranoid. For now, everything is okay, but that may change. Gotta keep vigilant. My pdoc's nurse called. I don't feel like I'm tracking with my brain right. I told her this. She just asked me a bunch of questions and said crisis team would be calling me tonight and that if I didn't answer that they would come over! She said she would call me tomorrow, too. Plus I have other appointments coming up.I had pie for breakfast- my mom's home made apple pie and my first cup of coffee since being in the hospital. (Their coffee sucked.) I still don't feel right. Spacey. I took some extra Haldol PRN to help calm the racing thoughts. My pdoc appointment is IN PERSON! That's Friday, I think. I haven't seen her since "before". It will be interesting to see her. i dunno what to say. I feel like I should keep typing. I told my case manager that I'm not tracking very well. I guess I got all I could out of the hospital, though. I was tired of the no-slip socks and the frumpy clothes. Plus there was a "new" guy there who refused to wear a mask. Even in group, he had it under his chin! I guess this is rambling. I guess I should go call N3 now. He's waiting. All for now.

Glad you’re home.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I guess I have a new therapist. I’m not sure about insurance yet but I have an appointment on the 11th. She has a lot of trans clients and also knows about autism and is comfortable with people with eating disorders. I’m taking this all very carefully though since I’ve gotten my hopes up a lot of times with a lot of different things and people.

I'm hoping the very best for you. The new T sounds (hopefully) promising.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 I’m so filled with fear and trepidation that I can’t get off the couch. I’ll need to take a Klonopin or two. It’s frustrating because I have some time to get away by myself for a few hours and I’m too scared to leave the house. Yesterday was good. A family friend, my sister and I tackled the house and made great progress. Things look and feel better. The lawn guy came over and the lawn looks nice. I put off my mini getaway to accomplish tasks on the house while I had the help. Today I could go out but I’m too scared. I have two therapy sessions today. Maybe I can work it out there. I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

I hope the Klonopin helped Great job on the house! That must feel terrific

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72 I'm home. Got a shower last night. A REAL shower! Not 3 drops dripping on my head. I'm still paranoid. For now, everything is okay, but that may change. Gotta keep vigilant. My pdoc's nurse called. I don't feel like I'm tracking with my brain right. I told her this. She just asked me a bunch of questions and said crisis team would be calling me tonight and that if I didn't answer that they would come over! She said she would call me tomorrow, too. Plus I have other appointments coming up.I had pie for breakfast- my mom's home made apple pie and my first cup of coffee since being in the hospital. (Their coffee sucked.) I still don't feel right. Spacey. I took some extra Haldol PRN to help calm the racing thoughts. My pdoc appointment is IN PERSON! That's Friday, I think. I haven't seen her since "before". It will be interesting to see her. i dunno what to say. I feel like I should keep typing. I told my case manager that I'm not tracking very well. I guess I got all I could out of the hospital, though. I was tired of the no-slip socks and the frumpy clothes. Plus there was a "new" guy there who refused to wear a mask. Even in group, he had it under his chin! I guess this is rambling. I guess I should go call N3 now. He's waiting. All for now.

Welcome home!

The Covid test went well. It was self administered and the lady wasn’t hanging over me and yelling at me that I was doing it the wrong way the way a nurse did another time. My mom just counted 15 seconds for each side and the nurse was in the tent the whole time. The swab stick was not very big. During a rapid Covid test one time I had a long swab that felt like it went up to my brain. They said we didn’t have an appointment because they didn’t do appointments. Even though we set one up. So it was kinda weird but since it was done at one of the hospitals drive thru centers it will be in the hospitals system.

I feel like I’m going a bit crazy with this lack of sleep and increase in appetite and just all this waiting around for Friday to come. I listened to a couple podcasts today but I can’t really get involved in anything and I’m low on money so it’s not like I can go out shopping or anything.

I got my stuff put away while my mom was gone and I found a couple things I was looking all over for. But I still didn’t find my Vibes ear plugs.

My energy is very low this afternoon and I am semi depressed. Or maybe I’m just tired since I woke up before 2AM this morning. I just took my 160 mil Geodon so hopefully that will make things better. I took 200 mil total instead of 180 because I took a 20 at 8AM and then one at 11AM but because I’ve been messing with the 20’s for so long I am now very short on days. It will go through insurance but I didn’t have any choice but to take 2 80s because my mom is wondering why I ran out this month.

I’m hoping the phrase “3rd times the charm” will be an appropriate statement for this situation.

I know I had to go through 2 other therapists in a row before I found the therapist I was working with before I moved.

My case manager mentioned therapy. I think I might start that. Just saw my mom. We had quite a long talk and I feel better now. Much improved. I hope I stay that way.

Thanks. As I said below, I am feeling better now. I just opened my balcony door and turned on the fan to blow the wonderful 70-degree air in. It's sunny out too. Went for a walk. Was nice.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72 Thanks. As I said below, I am feeling better now. I just opened my balcony door and turned on the fan to blow the wonderful 70-degree air in. It's sunny out too. Went for a walk. Was nice.

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