Bipolar check-in #59

How do people get heavy sleep meds prescribed? I’ve had sleep problems since I was 14. Ranging from everything from sleep paralysis to full blown falling down a flight of stairs night terrors and the only thing I’ve been offered by doctors is melatonin and Benadryl. I was on trazodone for a bit too when I was 14.

Feeling really good this evening. Nothing out of the ordinary these days -- woke up being OK. Took my meds, had my few hours of unease -- just tried to sleep it through, and now I'm feeling good. I got a bit of energy I'm gonna chalk up to getting a better night's rest. I know this may be a controversial subject, I'm gonna apologize to Soupe, our in house culinary expert -- but I have really been enjoying the variety of soups from Progresso lately. I know, I know -- too much sodium, base flavor but no flare etc. (my mom makes the point a lot haha). The last few days I've been really enjoying a nice bowl of soup at least for lunch. It may be because it's getting colder and something nice and warm fills me up. Perhaps for the same reason I enjoy a nice cup of hot chocolate in the evening as well.

So, serious note -- I'm thinking about getting a part time job. It'll be the first time in a long while I've been productive in society. Working in my career is not an option right now. I need to ease my way back into the workforce if it's something I am going to accomplish in the future. So as many place need workers right now. I could pretty easily I would assume have my pick at employers for something. I wouldn't even mind factory work. I know a factory in town has a part-time program. They pay really well but you work 16 hours a week (usually a weekend shift), but it's around $22/hr. It's something to consider, right? I am feeling better for the first time in a few years. I think I should take advantage at looking at ways to change my lifestyle.

Also, I am thinking about trying to take my meds that make me feel sick at night-- so maybe I can offset the uneasiness that comes with them. Only issue is I have to eat at least 350 cal with one of the them so that may be a bit of a hurdle. We'll see what I can work with.

I didn’t get to sleep until late last night so I’ve been tired all day. I was able to talk to the photographer and everything is copacetic. I’m still worried about the marriage license and that RS may not get his updated license in time. But it is what it is, if it doesn’t come it doesn’t come. I was the same way with closing on the house; I wasn’t convinced we had it until we had the signed papers in our hands. Even sitting outside the title agency I was convinced something was going to go wrong.

My student started to have hallucinations today and had a meltdown. I noticed it as soon as she started whispering to herself. I asked if she was ok and she said with wild eyes NO, something is very wrong here. She got upset that I was looking at her so I moved away and kept my eyes straight ahead. The nurse came in and talked her down.

It was sad to watch. I’ve never full on hallucinated but I’ve been paranoid and I know that nothing anyone said would convince me otherwise. I actually don’t know how to respond, I feel like challenging the hallucinations may be more triggering. I know I got mad in the hospital when they tried to tell me the voices weren’t real. However that was true, it was REAL VOICES and noise that was too loud in my head. But it was frustrating to have no one believe me about what I was sure was definitely happening.

Anyway she was calm by dismissal and she actually was smiling and laughing with me because we were swinging and I was joking about how I couldn’t keep up (again, true, I couldn’t swing nearly as high as her!). So at least there’s that.

I'm freaking out. I talked to my T about my ED and she wants me to "go somewhere" for it if my insurance covers it. I don't want to go anywhere. It's really not that bad. I'll do IOP or PHP but I'm definitely not doing IP because that is unnecessary.

I'm not looking up programs. There probably aren't any close to me anyways. Maybe if I wasn't poisoned by treatment providers I'd be in a better position. Maybe this is just a way to cope with the "trauma" of my last episode, and when I heal from that I'll be able to eat like a healthy person.

My anxiety is super bad. It’s the sleep issue stuff. I woke up at 3. I chugged 3 caffeinated sodas to help me stay awake. Now I’m dealing with the anxiety from it. I’ve taken 2 Valium and a geodon. I’m also super worried I still have a UTI. I’ve finished with my antibiotics but the burning when I sit down is still there. So I’m guessing it could possibly just be my anxiety. I never got a call actually from them confirming I had a UTI. It’s worse when I think about it. Which is why I think it may be anxiety. I mean the whole reason my insurance is approving this is because of the pain I’ve been having.

But now I’m not sure what my plans are since my anxiety sucks. Maybe I’ll just order food for dinner or something.

What's the date of your surgery?

It’s tomorrow. Probably in the afternoon. I should get a call in the next hour or so from them with definite times and instructions.