Bipolar check-in #59

Oooo what a small world we live in. The art instructor grew up here and his brother is deaf and went to the state school for the deaf but his family was told like my family was not to sign. I am 10 years younger than his brother and was the first person mainstreamed in my hometown. His wife is an interpreter! I showed him pictures of my hand building pieces and he said I should show! Ha ha I only showed him the good pieces! 😃 but I’m very interested in becoming a member and being able to get into clay again. But now I’m challenged to use the wheel, who knew it was so hard! I’m wondering how I could finance it? Taking an art class here and there I can swing but membership would be expensive.

I can’t sleep and it’s late. Much later then I’m usually up. I just took my 4th 10 mil melatonin and I took a 5th Valium. I’ve been trying to drink a zero sugar Gatorade. I had my music on for 2 hours. I’ve had white noise on for 40 minutes. No clue why I can’t sleep but I’m losing my patience. I have therapy very early and she will know something is up if I don’t get a somewhat restful nights sleep with all the crap I took.

Edit: I slept for just about an hour. I feel decent physically. Not totally ok but not in danger either. I turned off my fan and got under my other blanket. I cut way back on the caffeine I’ve had so maybe that’s my problem. That or the topamax are the only things I can think of.

I see my new psychologist today. Wish me luck, I am a bit nervous about starting over with someone new and not knowing what to expect. I am not in the greatest place mentally and I am afraid of being hurt. Keep me in your thoughts.

Sending good vibes your way Winds!

I did it! Instead of cozying down in bed I got up and went swimming. One of the big changing rooms was available so I could lock the door. It wasn’t bad at all. All that fear about changing there and it’s nothing!

It looks like I’ll be for sure staying at the hotel for thanksgiving after the group message my cousin just sent out. It was a strange message in general but she sent it to that one cousin I didn’t get along with even before I came out. My mom is actually fine with me staying at the hotel. She’s just as confused by the message as I am since it was only sent to the cousins. But that’s actually kind of a relief that she’s fine with me staying at the hotel. No one has replied to my cousin though. So I don’t even know at this point what’s even going on.

I found out today my therapist is the same age as me. I thought she was about 10 years older. She looks older. I like her a lot so I guess it doesn’t matter but it feels strange having a therapist the exact same age as me. The second she told me her age I instantly felt weird. She acknowledged we were the same age and that she doesn’t tell everyone her age. She’s super professional though. Would the age thing bother anyone else?

Our session was good though. I fell asleep around 10 last night and my black out curtains helped me sleep until almost 8. So I didn’t have much time to dwell on my session at all. I basically just took a shower and watched 15 minutes of The today show before leaving.

I feel decent today although I’m a bit anxious but I had a small coffee and a diet Dr. Pepper.

I'm glad to read that you have a good impression of your new therapist. I have never minded a therapist being my age. In fact, there can sometimes be some key advantages of being from the same generation. I will say having a younger therapist than me never really worked out. For one thing, I wouldn't want a younger therapist looking at me as being "as old as their mother'. Also, I think that some generational differences can cause complications, but of course that wouldn't mean they were not up to the task of providing good therapy.

I’ve been nauseated these last 2 days. I also have some external pain and very light spotting. I don’t know if it’s the topamax or not causing the nausea. My mom says it shows on my face that I’m not feeling good. I don’t have a fever though.

I’ve only taken one melatonin tonight and I haven’t taken my 160 mil geodon yet. I majorly cut down on soda so I’m wondering if my body is just getting used to the lower amounts of caffeine. I also cut down on tea but I’m not replacing it with as much water as I should be drinking. I don’t think I’m having like reactions or complications to the surgery or anything like that.

Sometimes I feel like I’m having some post op depression. I talked about it in therapy today about how I feel like I’m not doing anything with my life. And my therapist told me that I’m doing a lot with my life just by working on getting better and healthy. And my mom agreed and she said to think of where I was last year at this time. And last year I was dealing with transference with a therapist that wasn’t right for me and doing those telesessions that were wearing me down terribly and I was dealing with legit severe post op depression and S thoughts almost every night and being assessed weekly for IP or IOP where I eventually ended up. So yeah things are better now then they were last year. I don’t know. Maybe I just have a bug. I just don’t feel good. But I didn’t take anything extra because I for one don’t feel the need to and for another thing im scared to take anything extra tonight.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Oooo what a small world we live in. The art instructor grew up here and his brother is deaf and went to the state school for the deaf but his family was told like my family was not to sign. I am 10 years younger than his brother and was the first person mainstreamed in my hometown. His wife is an interpreter! I showed him pictures of my hand building pieces and he said I should show! Ha ha I only showed him the good pieces! 😃 but I’m very interested in becoming a member and being able to get into clay again. But now I’m challenged to use the wheel, who knew it was so hard! I’m wondering how I could finance it? Taking an art class here and there I can swing but membership would be expensive.

Nammu, why do they tell your family not to sign?

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Originally Posted by WindsThatBlow I see my new psychologist today. Wish me luck, I am a bit nervous about starting over with someone new and not knowing what to expect. I am not in the greatest place mentally and I am afraid of being hurt. Keep me in your thoughts.

Starting with a new pdoc isn't easy. One thing I've found is to give it at least 2 sessions before making a decision about whether the pdoc is a good fit.

I bought an expensive phone a month ago and i've had anxiety about how much it was and anger about how incompetent and disrespectful the salesman was. I got my first bill yesterday and went into the company's customer chat service and got a $50 activation fee waived with ease.

I was really pleased as i so dislike dealing with customer service on the phone, it's so triggering of my anger. So today i though to myself, why not try and get some compensation for the original unsatisfactory sales transaction thru the customer chat service that i used with such ease and success yesterday?

Unfortunately after dealing with two agents via chat without satisfaction, they wanted to talk by phone. I reluctantly agreed and it went just as i feared, i got angry having to repeat myself over the phone and relive the whole unpleasant incident again and i got all stirred-up.

I hate to put out negative energy via phone as i feel it always comes back to haunt you. It's so much easier on the keyboard. But i negotiated $200 worth of compensation. It's for the best because there's only four more months in the savings year for my retirement fund and i've got to get serious.

But i still feel bad, just in a different way. Instead of feeling anxiety and anger like i did prior to the compensation, now i feel anxiety for being so negative. I guess either way i wasn't going to win feelings-wise and at least this way i'm a total of $250 richer.

I hate to think i'm a "Karen" but for a $2250 deal (for the phone and two years of service [Canadian]) i expect some professionalism. I wasn't the only one complaining. I dealt with three agents before i got to a manager with some decent discretionary negotiating power and it took him 3.5 hours to call me, there were so many people ahead of me in line with issues.

If i had known i would have had to end up doing the deal via phone with customer service i probably wouldn't have bothered. I had just anticipated settling it via chat and that would have been fine but i guess the chat agents don't have much discretionary negotiating power.

It seems like The Wild West getting phones and service for them.

Having an emotional disability is really an obstacle in negotiating expensive deals. Does anyone else get triggered by spending large sums of money or dealing with customer service by phone instead of chat?

My foot started acting up again today. Tingling/pain/weakness is back. Now where did I put that brace??? I'm so freaking tired... I was desperate for sleep so last night I had 2.5 shots of zzzquil. It worked; I slept from around midnight to 6am which would be great if I actually liked sleep but I don't now that I have nightmares most nights.

I wish I had some good news to share... oh! I got the good thorazine today, the brown pills seem more side effect friendly than the white ones.

Back in the day the thought was that if Deaf people signed they wouldn’t fit in with the “normals” for a while deaf schools forbade signing. But now days it’s total communication. My last doctor did something to my records and I no longer have to ask for interpreters they are automatically given to me. I was born in the 50’s so that was a long time ago and fortunately I was born hearing so I got my language in before losing my hearing at 3 1/2 when I had the measles.

My friend gave me a LOT of clothes! I tried them on. It took about half an hour to try them all on. They fit- but there were some that were too big or just not attractive on me so I made a pile to donate to Salvation Army. I kept about 70% of them though. She is a lot taller than I am but most of them still work. It's funny: she kept bringing up these clothes and I wasn't that interested but now I'm so happy that she gave them to me.

Try drinking a glass of water every couple hours. I feel you may be dehydrated

Covid is quickly rising again in Europe, surely because people started traveling a lot again and not wearing masks as much. Not to mention the people who've refused vaccinations. And of course even vaccinated people are getting and spreading covid more and more. Third boosters are being given to the elderly in Czech Republic, but not yet to younger people. Several European countries are reenacting a level of border control. We read that France is starting to as of November 1st. Some others (not all) will start some level of border control starting November 15. We'll surely be able to travel within Europe, but will likely need to show proof of vaccination at some borders, at the least. Perhaps even negative covid test results, despite us having our two shots as of four months ago. It's clear how lax some people have been with masks. We're supposed to all be wearing masks in public places, but I've seen people not and getting away with it. My sister said the entire 4th grade class of students in the elementary school near her (in New Jersey) are home because most tested positive for covid. Three of the teachers, too, who were supposedly vaccinated. Yes, kids get covid. They spread it, too.

Tomorrow we leave for a two day visit with one of Hubby's friends (within country) that we haven't seen in years. I am looking forward to that. He and his wife are lovely people! Then we have nothing on our calendars other than the holidays, for now.

We finally have supplies of all of our medications. Hubby called the gp yesterday...again.

I saw my new therapist yesterday. She’s a psychologist ( a first for me). She seems very kind and the interaction went well. We basically did an intake and she was clear about a game plan forward. She’s pretty transparent and available to me – she is supposed to send me an email (it was supposed to be right after the session, but she was gonna look into some things for me first) so I can reach her if needed. Our plan for the next session is to do some psychological testing (she said to look at severity of symptoms). We agreed to get to know each other and unpack some of the major parts of my need of therapy, we can meet every week until we decide less frequent sessions would suffice. I appreciated that from her. I explained my limited connection with my last therapist and she answered my questions I had about treatment style, approach to therapy etc. She said something I thought was kind of interesting. She gave a rowboat scenario – some therapist row the boat to facilitate your journey (a more therapist-focused approach to guiding your journey) and others let you row with some guidance (a more patient-focused approach that allows you to come to your own conclusion of how to proceed) which neither are necessarily wrong, she agrees with a more 50-50 approach, the therapist and patient row in unison to work towards a goal. What that translates into is that my input in how to proceed, what is important, what to focus on, and how to approach things are weighted equally to her professional opinion. I’m actively participating in the process, not just doing measures asked of me. I think I will benefit a lot from having this type of dynamic.

Psychological testing is a bit scary of a term, but seeing as she is trained to administer and interpret results, I think it’s a good starting point. I have some hope that she will be able to help me. Her modality and specialization is something I think I can really benefit from.

I got my “official” diagnoses listed to me which I was happy to know formally. A lot of of things have been thrown around as possibilities but at least on paper I know what I’m dealing with. Labels aren’t everything but it’s nice to at least feel validated in I’m not alone in what I experience albeit everyone’s experience is different. Not to get on a soap box, but I also think it’s important to realize criteria are guidelines, and do not exclude other behaviors simply because they are not listed. i.e. if anger issues arise, it does not mean you have [insert disorder here] or because it’s not explicitly listed, and you don’t have that issue or that it excludes the diagnosis of [insert disorder here] – it could be independent, part of, or a manifestation of a more prominent[typical] symptom. I definitely take the approach it’s not fair to tell someone what I think they have or don’t have based on how I experience the issue. It’s not fair to anyone [off my soapbox].

Next week is a busy one for me, Nov 1st, 2nd, and 3rd I have appointments. Psychiatrist, therapist and then PCP. I hope all goes well. Nov 1st is a hard day for me, it’ll mark 15 years since my brother passed away.

In other news, I’m ready for November and Thanksgiving is my all time favorite holiday. Sincerely can not wait!

I’m doing ok today. I slept decently last night. I was up for a bit around 1. I took a melatonin and my topamax. I ate a bran muffin and I had a protein shake. Today I did some international grocery shopping. My anxiety was ok. I found beer flavored Lays chips from China and I got some purple sweet potato’s. I also got some Indian flavors of Lays chips and some Indian cola. I went to my local grocery store too and stocked up on sugar free stuff drinks and jello. I still haven’t found the Christmas Mountain Dew but I got some sugar cookie sleigh ride tea. My anxiety is ok I took my first Xanax right before I left my house to do my shopping. So my anxiety was ok while I was out. I’m drinking a 64oz bottle of green tea and I thought I heard you shouldn’t drink green tea with meds. I don’t know but when has possible med interactions ever stopped me before. I’ll probably quickly chug it and then go eat a snack or something. It’s the day before I get my weekly shot so I have a bit of low energy right now. But it’s not bad. I haven’t really been giving therapy much of a thought although I have acknowledged the age thing with my mom today who doesn’t think it’s much of a deal.

I’m on the fence but I’m thinking a therapist my age is what I need. Older therapists creep me out. Therapists who are 10-15 years older cause romantic transference. But this I think is a good fit for me.

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Originally Posted by whatever2013 ... Having an emotional disability is really an obstacle in negotiating expensive deals. Does anyone else get triggered by spending large sums of money or dealing with customer service by phone instead of chat?

I long for the days when customer service humans answered phone calls. Those robots are not only annoying, but they waste time.

With regard to spending, I truly don't have the $ to over-spend. It's just not there. If I had the money I'd probably over-spend a little bit.

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Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I’m doing ok today. I slept decently last night. I was up for a bit around 1. I took a melatonin and my topamax. I ate a bran muffin and I had a protein shake. Today I did some international grocery shopping. My anxiety was ok. I found beer flavored Lays chips from China and I got some purple sweet potato’s. I also got some Indian flavors of Lays chips and some Indian cola. I went to my local grocery store too and stocked up on sugar free stuff drinks and jello. I still haven’t found the Christmas Mountain Dew but I got some sugar cookie sleigh ride tea. My anxiety is ok I took my first Xanax right before I left my house to do my shopping. So my anxiety was ok while I was out. I’m drinking a 64oz bottle of green tea and I thought I heard you shouldn’t drink green tea with meds. I don’t know but when has possible med interactions ever stopped me before. I’ll probably quickly chug it and then go eat a snack or something. It’s the day before I get my weekly shot so I have a bit of low energy right now. But it’s not bad. I haven’t really been giving therapy much of a thought although I have acknowledged the age thing with my mom today who doesn’t think it’s much of a deal. I’m on the fence but I’m thinking a therapist my age is what I need. Older therapists creep me out. Therapists who are 10-15 years older cause romantic transference. But this I think is a good fit for me.

What is it about older T's that creeps you out?