Bipolar check-in #60

Yeah that was the headline I read today that popped up on my Google home page (I get news about trans people when I go to Google) that got me thinking of looking into the show. Thats going to be the main focus of the new season that starts the middle of this month.

So many trans people struggle with obesity. I’ve read that like 25% of all trans people are too heavy for surgery. It really makes me be even more particular about keeping my own weight in check. I worry I won’t pass unless I’m smaller because I’m not very tall. Despite always passing before. I asked my doctor yesterday if I passed and he was confused and taken aback by my question and said he was never asked that before but indicated I did pass. I remember our mover guys asking my mom back in May if she had any other kids and she mentioned my sister and he said “aww. So you do have your daughter.” My thinking just gets screwed up sometimes.

This cold feels like recovery from surgery part 2. I fell asleep fairly fast although I was thinking I wish I had taken a throat lozenge. But I didn’t think my sore throat was that big of a deal. But I kept waking up with these really bad quick bursts of a sore throat, heart burn and anxiety combo. They would last for a few seconds and I’d drift off again. It was like when I was having that pain the day after my surgery. The severe cramps in my sleep that would come and go. But the sore throat part I can understand since I went to bed knowing there was an issue. And the heartburn I also had left untreated all day. The anxiety I didn’t get since my anxiety was pretty low all day and my mental health in general was decent. So I don’t know if it was just more cold related stuff and not real anxiety. My throat doesn’t hurt after the lozenge. My brother is real bad off and my mom isn’t much better. My brother is coughing a lot. I seem to have the most mild case out of the 3 of us. But I’m the youngest and fittest so it would make sense I guess. My sister didn’t even get sick because she’s super fit with no health issues.

Oh yeah I was also getting these hot and cold flashes which may have been where the anxiety part was coming from. Because I just got one now and I’m fully alert. I mean I’m not anxious right now but I just got suddenly hot with my blankets on and I had to throw them off and now I’m cold. So I’ll just try my weighted one.

I weighed myself for the first time in many many weeks. I actually wasn't quite sure what to expect, but believed I likely lost a little weight. Seems I lost just over 7 lbs (over 3 kg) during this period. I wasn't exactly dieting, but had generally tried to cut down on overeating. I believe the combination of the trip to the health spa and the reduction of my Seroquel XR helped. It's so odd how again and again 550 mg (or less) of Seroquel XR is vastly more weight friendly than 600 mg and up. In any case, I want to knock off a few more pounds before the holiday whirlwind starts. November has two "special days" for my husband. Then of course December and early January.

I've been experiencing little bouts of anxiety for several days now. They aren't all day bouts, though still very uncomfortable. I've tried to control them with relaxation techniques, but that hasn't fully worked. I'm not liking the reliance on other anxiety assistance. When my anxiety increases, usually antacids are also required. Oddly, Czech Republic does not have the variety there is in the US. I'm nearly running out of my Alka Seltzer fruit chews from the US. They have some "chalky stuff" here, but Hubby said most people simply drink baking soda water. Yuck!

Good Morning! I've finally made it to the end of my "Week of Appointments" that has plagued me for weeks lol. I will see my new PCP in a few hours. I have rehearsed in my head what I am going to say and I am hoping it will go well. What I anticipate is a cordial visit, a want for some blood work and perhaps she'll consider medications for gastric reflux and for my migraines. All in all, I am not expecting anything really to come out of this appointment but to establish a doctor, and see my blood work. Luckily there is a patient portal and as soon as my results come back (my moms says it's usually around 2 hours) I can see them. I haven't eaten since last night so I may be able to do that today. We will see. I have therapy and see my psychiatrist to talk about if the clonidine is working next week , but that's a issue for another day. I'm getting through this week better than I expected to.

I saw pdoc this morning. Everything is hunky dorey. No med changes.

My third night of tossing and turning. So when the alarm went off I just Turin off and rolled over. I didn’t get to finish my dream though and have no idea what it was all supposed to be about but then I usually don’t anyway. But I do feel better having just rested with my eyes closed. I confess I’m still exhausted though. Gotta drive mum to her clinic appointment so I’m all dressed and ready. Boy one of these nights I’m gonna sleep again that will be lovely.

I feel ok today. When I woke up I felt decent. When I woke up some more I felt kinda blah but not as bad as yesterday. Then I drank my first peppermint mocha iced latte of the year and I felt better and more alert. So I went with my mom to Target. I like Jif to go crunchy peanut butter but it’s not easy to find. I saw that Target had 6 boxes. So I went to buy those and to check out the weights. I had planned on buying all 6 boxes but they only had 3. Dumb online store inventory. So I got all the remaining boxes. Now the online inventory is saying 3 boxes are left. Lol. The weights were super expensive so I didn’t buy any. but I picked up the last tube of shortbread cookie Burts Bees lip balm. I didn’t see the gingerbread one that I had also wanted the other day. I had my mom go to the dollar store while I waited in the car to buy me a bag of pads because I am spotting onto my underwear now. My doctor got back to me just now and says this is all normal and part of the healing process but not to do put anything in there and he’ll see me at my appointment. As much as they are uncomfortable physically and mentally for me I hope he actually does an internal exam this time instead of the basic BS external exam he did last time.

But yeah I’m doing good today. In the past peppermint mocha iced lattes or coffee have driven my anxiety up the wall unlike with any other flavor. but today I’m not feeling much anxiety. Besides the not wanting to go into the dollar store to buy period pads. Which I think is kinda understandable.

My weight is heading in the right direction and it’s making me super happy. 25 pounds since last Thanksgiving. I have 22 more to lose to get to my goal. I feel like I’m in a good place now with my meds and my therapist and my doctors especially this new one I saw on Monday.

I don’t feel the greatest but I don’t think it’s anything to worry about really. My temp is only 98.8. My brother is real bad off though and my mom isn’t doing too well. Yeah I know going to Target was not the most PC thing but I was feeling pretty well earlier.

My moms temp is normal though. So now I’m wondering if my temp is surgery related? Ugh what mess.

I'm finally home. I got up way early for me lately. Went to see NP and all is well there. Then I went to Starbucks and talked on the phone a while. They didn't have the music on so I could actually hear!! Yippee! Then I went to a car parts place and got windshield wipers because my were worn out and they wouldn't wipe a section of the window right where it's most natural for me to see out! The guy who sold them to me couldn't figure out how to put the passenger side one on so he got someone else to come out. (Thank God!). This person refunded my card for the wiper that was the wrong one- hence why the first guy couldn't figure out how to put it on! So the second guy comes out with the RIGHT wiper -after he credited my card and charged me for the new one- and it was the RIGHT one! And after all that they cost me about $60! I hope they work well for $30 each! I did try them out before I left Auto Zone and they are a huge improvement over the worn out ones! Thank goodness that I got that money from the bipolar study or I'd be hurting!

I need to get new wipers too, but geez $60! I need to change the oil and get my car winterized. I need them to check the tires too. I hope they are fine cause nobody has a tire sale right now. My insurance is due soon too, I pay once a year then I can forget about it for a year. Maintenance is so expensive but it sure beats the alternative!

Yeah. I'm getting new tires and an oil change. My mom's husband is going to help me change it at their place so that's cheaper

Took brother to the emergency surgeon’s appointment - bottom line - another surgery with long recovery time. I hope that poor man doesn’t just say forget it and give up on life.

I’ve had some opportunities for social events last week and this but they were large groups and I can’t risk carrying the virus to my daughter who is not vaccinated. It’s too bad. Interesting stuff.

I worked things out with my therapist. We’ve agreed not to talk about my family. That was my request and wish. I’ve got other fish to fry.

I hope everybody has a peaceful evening.

I’ve had these pants I ordered from H&M last winter before I moved. I got them when I was about 10 pounds heavier and they are just not getting any looser no matter how much I lose and finally today I was just like f it and unbuttoned them and unzipped them and I can finally breathe now. But what the **** is this The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants? Or maybe the opposite? The pants actually fit everyone in that book no matter their size.

Goodness! I wince every quarter when I pay mine. That’s smart getting it out of the way once a year.

I went for two runs today starting at like 3am (I brought a headlamp this time) and did some sprinting and a lot of walking. Just trying to cope with the agitation really. The chlorpromazine is helping a little bit but I'm still definitely mixed. My gf wants me to go to the hospital. No way. The nurse tht did my injection made make anappointment with my therapist so I did that but that's next week. I really hate my therapist with such passion. I want to do such destructive things to myself. I haven't eaten anything today. I put an Ensure in the fridge for later if I don't want dinner. I can't wait for January to come so I can talk to the neurologist. I'm getting my Nexplanon removed in a couple weeks too, the gynecologist I saw yesterday was super nice. The roads were a little icy this morning.

Moose you got me motivated. I ran to Walmart for wipers but they didn’t have the right size. Called the garage and have an appointment for an oil change and winterized exam.

Jennifer, I get a good discount for paying ahead for a year. It was hard at first to swing it but now it’s budgeted in.

Well, my visit went OK! She's a little kooky to be honest, but I liked her. She was kind, and didn't make me feel stupid for trying to establish a primary care provider but a bit pushy about some things. I don't guess she didn't pick up on the fact I didn't want to talk about why I am unemployed. She really pushed the issue and asked questions about living situation and my willingness to relocate etc. I didn't care for that, but it was OK. She apparently worked in addiction medicine for a few years and before that had a stint in psychiatric nursing. She saw my meds list and told me about her experiences with my particular meds. I asked her in general what are her thoughts on decreasing anxiety and she gave me some people to look into, and told me the best thing I can do is decrease stress in my life. Meds only do so much, but we gotta find ways to help ourselves. Overall, it was a nice visit.

1) She formally "diagnosed" me with migraines (which I find hilarious, I know only a doctor can diagnose-- but other than ruling out it being a secondary headache (which are rare) it's literally asking me about symptoms. I don't think i need a doctor to help me do that, but I get it..) and since the urgent care did give me meds, we will stick with that for now. If they get any worse or more frequent, she wants to try topamax. She also seemed rather concerned and unhappy with the fact I was given a nasal spray. I'm not sure why.

2) She did give me a prescription for gastric reflux so that really will be a money saver since my insurance will pay for it. Omeprazole isn't cheap! I'm glad she did that for me

3) She ordered some blood work. I got the labs online so I could look at them. She did a bunch of stuff -- CBC, TSH (thyroid hormone), CMP (metabolic panel -- looking at 14 different measurements to look at liver, kidney functions and nutrients) , Vitamin D, and Coronary Risk assessment (lipids/cholesterol). Nothing really surprising there. CBC shows I have anemia, and very low vitamin D (but we talked about this before the test -- most people are low on it as it is, the range for therapeutic levels is lowballing it, and people really do need more of the higher range but mine is well below the range so it's probably important I look at that), and my cholesterol isn't good -- but it's not alarming I don't think. The way I eat makes sense for those levels to be what they were. Technically I'm "borderline high" on cholesterol.


We will see how she interprets the results in a month. I am glad to have it over with though and the labs showing I´m generally OK. I feel better about the whole thing. She seems at least very personable and wanting to help me where she can.

That's great. I'm glad I spurred you on to car care.

I forget which med it was- probably zyprexa- that raised my cholesterol to the 700's!! I think it's normal as of last year but yeah- another reason to hate zyprexa!

Your temp is fine. They say a fever starts at 100.3.

I'm still feeling the same - low, but I'm getting by I guess.

I'm still waiting for an appointment for ketamine infusions. I'm reading about what to expect and educating myself about it. I'm kinda nervous about it because it makes you high during the infusion. I've only been high once when I tried marijuana one time and it didn't go well. I was very anxious.

I have a job interview on Friday. I'm only kind of looking for a new job. This one is about 800km from where I live but it's 100% remote, even after covid. I'm coasting along in my current job which is nice but there's no future in it. I've gone as far as I can go on my current job and this new one has a path to more advancement. The questions they ask during the interview will be very revealing.