Bipolar check-in #60

I’m in between knowing I should very well stay home if I’m sick and then googling local restaurants. I’ve been here for what 7 months and I’ve still just mainly stuck to Sonic which is where I went to all the time before I moved, and also my favorite restaurant Longhorn. but there’s a lot of places I should check out. I’ve been to a couple breakfast spots and a couple lunch places. Everywhere else has been the same places I went to before I moved. There’s a local place back at my old place my mom said she’d take me when we’re there for thanksgiving.

So funny about the windsheild wipers. Mine were uselessly worn out, so I went to O'Reilly and bought 2 new wipers for $30 total. There was a friendly guy working and he installed the wipers for me.

I'm going on a diet when I get home. H is too. I'm getting bento boxes for our meals.

I am a little worried I'm having some kind of episode. I don't feel up at all but I have extremely uncharacteristically messed up my budget for the month and spent money in a very pressured way. I was buying Christmas gifts but also things I needed but I got quantities that didn't make sense and in general it looks bad on paper.

I'm also awake at 1:20 but that's normal for me. My pdoc added an extra dose of gabapenting at 11 pm but it's not doing much if anything. It's still fairly new so I'm still hoping it will work out. For now I took PRN klonopin which I hate doing, especially since my pdoc said under her breath that if this gabapentin doesn't work that she'll probably increase the klonopin. I've been slowly working on getting off it for a long time. (We keep decreasing the dose slightly and then someone in my family gets sick and dies and then I need to mourn and then I lower it again and someone else dies and we repeat.)

I also am doing something difficult and complicated in therapy and that may be part of the problem.

Plus I got my COVID booster and that could be causing all kinds of things. I spent yesterday sleeping and even slept all night from 11 on. Today I took a little nap but mostly was up.

I just don't know.

My patience and tolerance are on their last legs. I truly do wish, sometimes, that I could have a period of time to be the queen of my own universe. Since this pandemic started, and especially since moving, I feel too much like a dependent or almost a guest in my own "home". Piddly stuff adds to it all. For example, I feel like my husband is constantly in my way. I go to the vestibule to straighten up my shoes, and predictably he shows up and gets in my way so I can't do what I wanted. I have to literally leave, temporarily, to wait for him to get the heck out. Something similar happens in the kitchen. In my way, especially always blocking the trash. Or I'll be cooking and want to throw something in the trash to find he removed the trash bag and didn't replace it. Yea, maybe he meant well, but it's still a pain to me. Or I'll load the dishwasher (for the umpteenth time) and he'll arrive and put dirty junk in the sink. If I was a violent person, I'd like to literally push him out and lock the door for a while.

There might be a country-wide lock down again soon, where we're living. And possibly in other European countries. I mean, people just have to try harder to nip this by the bud. "Denying it away" or being cavalier is not going to work. Everyone must take precautions. Must! No more baloney about this! Please, please, please, please! Pretty please with a cherry on top. A strong resurgence could occur in the US, for sure.

A very nice woman we know here in CZ keeps bringing us potatoes that her mother grows. That's kind, but I confess it's overwhelming me. I like potatoes, but good grief! We put them all in our cold garage. They are not washed, so that will also help keep them long, but I told Hubby to tactfully find a way to tell her we have plenty. It's only Hubby and me eating them, for the most part. Hubby sort of refused to say anything. During our trip last weekend, I noticed what looked like a giant hill of rocks. It took a moment to realize they were potatoes in a field, dug up. Insane! It looked like this: potatoes-huge-pile-1200 - Spud Smart

I have to buy a ton of purple sweet potato’s while I’m out of state this Thanksgiving. I’ll have to get them from Whole Foods and I’m hoping they last for awhile. I’m not looking forward to spending $30 on potato’s but I love the purple kind and Whole Foods is the only place that carries them.

Good morning beautiful people! I’m up early but feeling good. I’m happy that all my appointments are over with little to no issue. It was eventful and productive. Therapy is going somewhere, something came out of my PCP visit and my psychiatrist (along with an appreciate quick follow-up next week to check on the new anxiety med). I am trying to find only reasons to call it a success. It all was anxiety provoking but it ended fine. So what is on the agenda for today you ask? Not a thing lol. It’s too dang cold to go walking or anything, but I may spend time studying. I may just take today to work on me. We’ll see how the day unfolds. After my lab results I feel guilty for being hungry and all I have is high fat, processed foods available. I guess I need to make a change in the grocery aisle in order to change my refrigerator :P. but I ain’t gonna let it stop me from eating mini corn dogs at 8AM lol (I eat what I’m hungry for. I don’t put a lot of emphasis on specific foods for specific meal times. I do breakfast-for-dinner a lot in my household.)

Here’s to hoping today is a good day.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow ... I've been slowly working on getting off it for a long time. (We keep decreasing the dose slightly and then someone in my family gets sick and dies and then I need to mourn and then I lower it again and someone else dies and we repeat.) ...

I totally hear you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour My patience and tolerance are on their last legs. I truly do wish, sometimes, that I could have a period of time to be the queen of my own universe. Since this pandemic started, and especially since moving, I feel too much like a dependent or almost a guest in my own "home". Piddly stuff adds to it all. For example, I feel like my husband is constantly in my way. I go to the vestibule to straighten up my shoes, and predictably he shows up and gets in my way so I can't do what I wanted. I have to literally leave, temporarily, to wait for him to get the heck out. Something similar happens in the kitchen. In my way, especially always blocking the trash. Or I'll be cooking and want to throw something in the trash to find he removed the trash bag and didn't replace it. Yea, maybe he meant well, but it's still a pain to me. Or I'll load the dishwasher (for the umpteenth time) and he'll arrive and put dirty junk in the sink. If I was a violent person, I'd like to literally push him out and lock the door for a while. There might be a country-wide lock down again soon, where we're living. And possibly in other European countries. I mean, people just have to try harder to nip this by the bud. "Denying it away" or being cavalier is not going to work. Everyone must take precautions. Must! No more baloney about this! Please, please, please, please! Pretty please with a cherry on top. A strong resurgence could occur in the US, for sure. A very nice woman we know here in CZ keeps bringing us potatoes that her mother grows. That's kind, but I confess it's overwhelming me. I like potatoes, but good grief! We put them all in our cold garage. They are not washed, so that will also help keep them long, but I told Hubby to tactfully find a way to tell her we have plenty. It's only Hubby and me eating them, for the most part. Hubby sort of refused to say anything. During our trip last weekend, I noticed what looked like a giant hill of rocks. It took a moment to realize they were potatoes in a field, dug up. Insane! It looked like this: potatoes-huge-pile-1200 - Spud Smart

OMG those potatoes!!!

I take my car in for an oil change and top ups and tire checks and a general going over to get ready for winter. Got to take a book with me as they don’t have magazines and the tv is always on sports. I miss the garage in Texas, the played the HGTV channel and had a clean bright waiting area.

RS’s grandfather passed away last night. He had just found out he had stage IV stomach cancer and decided to do one chemo treatment to see how sick it makes him and discontinue if he felt it was too much. Unfortunately it made him so weak he had a heart attack and passed. RS is taking it well; he reasoned that his grandfather was 88 and honestly that’s a pretty long life. I kinda did the same with my grandfather last year. I mean yeah, losing someone is always a sad affair, but my grandpa was also 88 and he had had a stroke so he was suffering. I did tell RS that I definitely will attend whatever services end up being scheduled. Work can take a back seat.

I have off today so I woke up at about 8. I didn’t want to get up but my body was aching and I knew I feel worse physically if I didn’t get up. I wanted to get a bagel for breakfast but it’s one 31 degrees out and I’m sorry but I’m not prepared for that nonsense right now! I’ve got the ball of anxiety in my chest right now and the heaviness of depression hanging over me.

I have things I should do today. Laundry, pantry organizing, etc. I don’t know if I will get them done. I have to try.

At least I speak with my therapist at 12. Maybe she can help me come up with some solutions.

I’m so sorry wildflower..

I woke up before midnight last night. My throat hurt badly. I took a cough drop and got instant relief but my nose was running a lot. I got back to sleep right before 2 and woke up at 4:30. I’m still feeling sick and unable to make it to the store like I thought I could last night. My mom is feeling much better and she’s going out to get some stuff for us. We all figured out that my brother and I are a day behind her. I did go to Starbucks and I got my first Irish cream cold brew of the holiday season. The holiday drinks just came out today. My anxiety was actually super high until I drank it. Now my anxiety is decent. I lost another pound since yesterday which I’m a bit surprised about. I don’t know why I’m surprised though. I’ve been doing the same thing for 1.5 weeks and it’s been working. Although I think yesterday I undercounted a good amount calorie wise. Which was a bit disordered thinking perhaps. I didn’t feel like eating all the whipped cream and chocolate crumbs on the top of my latte that I had already budgeted into my daily calories because I felt like they put too much in. But then I didn’t subtract the calories. But I’m wearing the same pants from yesterday and they actually fit pretty good today. I have so much laundry to do and just no motivation or energy to do it. But mental health wise I’m still ok. I had 4 days left on my free Amazon prime trial and I had a $5 prime coupon so I ordered some personal hygiene products this morning. I’m glad I cancelled that in time though. I almost forgot to. I’m not sure why people are hating so much on Kim Kardashian. Pete Davidson doesn’t exactly sound very stable himself. Either way it seems like a disaster waiting to happen. Although someone said online that anyone would look bad next to him and I don’t think he looks bad physically. I didn’t even realize he had a medical condition until my mom pointed it out to me. To be honest most people just look normal to me. To me there’s basically just fat and skinny and sometimes that’s not even obvious to me. Nothing else I really notice about anyone. I don’t even notice anyone’s height. Like I can’t tell if someone is tall or not. It’s weird and a therapist told me one time it’s a trait of my autism.

Hey moose my wipers cost $44. The whole thing, oil, oil filter, tire check and all fluids check and fill, plus wipers was $124. But I live in a tiny town so it should be cheaper. Better than I thought but still!

Then on the 18th I have my eye check up and new glasses to pay for. Bills bills bills! Thankfully all my Christmas shopping is finished! I’m going to try Warby Parker.

That’s what I did and where I went! Pretty sweet deal.

My condolences to you and to RS.

I’ve been on the phone for 4 hours over 2 days trying to get a refund from Expedia. They approved, then denied, then approved the refund. They will only refund it to the original form of payment - a credit card that has been canceled due to fraudulent activity (that’s a barrel of laughs itself). I just want to scream “think outside the box people!” I have to get a NOC from my credit card company to Expedia for them to adjust form of payment. Frustrating to the max. It’s not like I’m sitting on a pile of free time.

I’m going to the orthopedist today to address my left arm. I think there might be small bones broken or a stress fracture due to the pain level. It’s been going on since September. It will get slightly better and then I hurt it again helping mother and brother. I sincerely hope he can help me. I need my arm functional!

There’s a specialty doughnut shop that my nephew swears by that I’ve been meaning to try out. I think I’ll go after the doctor and I’ll also get some sunflowers from Trader Joe’s. Reminds me of the time my daughter and I went to the sunflower fields (huge fields) and cut two large buckets full of sunflowers. Great memories.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

Oo Sunflowers are so cool. My daughter went with her kids to a sunflower field maze. The pictures were great.

I hope you get your arm taken care of Jennifer!

I called my pdoc’s office and made an earlier appt. it’s still two weeks away but that’s better than four. Yesterday and today I’ve been unable to concentrate on anything, even conversations. My mind is just zoning out on its own and I’m not hearing what the other person is saying. I can’t keep track of shows and movies and I can’t even scroll my article sites. This is a bad sign so it’s better to have a sooner appt just in case.

I didn’t get to talk to my therapist, she’s still doing virtual and the program wasn’t working today. She says we’ll try to reschedule for tomorrow, but if not at least I have my standing Tuesday appt and hopefully it will work by then.

Right now I’m laying in bed under my weighted blanket. I did wash the towels and the bedding and my comforter is in the wash now. I am going to do dishes as well. Maybe I’ll call it a day after that because at least that’s something.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 RS’s grandfather passed away last night. He had just found out he had stage IV stomach cancer and decided to do one chemo treatment to see how sick it makes him and discontinue if he felt it was too much. Unfortunately it made him so weak he had a heart attack and passed. RS is taking it well; he reasoned that his grandfather was 88 and honestly that’s a pretty long life. I kinda did the same with my grandfather last year. I mean yeah, losing someone is always a sad affair, but my grandpa was also 88 and he had had a stroke so he was suffering. I did tell RS that I definitely will attend whatever services end up being scheduled. Work can take a back seat. I have off today so I woke up at about 8. I didn’t want to get up but my body was aching and I knew I feel worse physically if I didn’t get up. I wanted to get a bagel for breakfast but it’s one 31 degrees out and I’m sorry but I’m not prepared for that nonsense right now! I’ve got the ball of anxiety in my chest right now and the heaviness of depression hanging over me. I have things I should do today. Laundry, pantry organizing, etc. I don’t know if I will get them done. I have to try. At least I speak with my therapist at 12. Maybe she can help me come up with some solutions.

I'm sorry for the loss of RS’s grandfather.


I'm also sorry about the ball of anxiety and the heaviness of depression hanging over you. I feel exactly the same way, so at least we're not along