Bipolar check-in #60

That is so cool 😎!

I’ve been through several hours of a stomach bug or food poisoning starting around 2:00 am. Truly awful. I’m feeing very shaky but I think I’m coming out of it. The maid was coming today to decorate for Christmas and clean house but that won’t happen now. Too bad. I don’t know if I’ll be able to go to the Christmas concert tonight. We’ll see. Mood wise - I’m doing good. I just keep having these stomach bugs. I guess food poisoning is a stretch. I will be at the doctors office first thing Monday for that lab work and diagnostic testing that’s been ordered. I’ve got to get this figured out.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

I'm doing good today. I slept ok. I'm so cold though to the point my fingers are numb and I'm having trouble typing. I'm fully dressed including a hoodie boots and a hat. My mom says I may be anemic from not eating enough. But I do eat though just little stuff throughout the day. I had a tamale at 4:30 this morning. Besides being cold I feel ok. I am a bit behind schedule on my valium and I just took one now so I hope it kicks in. I went to Walgreens to get some ghirardelli christmas candy. Luckily there were no creeps standing outside this time or I wouldnt have gone in. There was some guy though at Dunkin Donuts asking for cash the other day. Before I moved I only encountered one other person asking my mom for money and I was like 9.

But yeah today I'm cold and I think my anxiety is under control. Or getting under control at least.

I hope my therapist leaves the office or decides we arent a good match. Because I'm tired of going from therapist to therapist but if she wants to fire me on her own then thats fine. But I wont fire her. Its not just the age thing although thats a huge part of things but theres other little things that bug me about her that I cant seem to get past.

Basically she thinks shes funny but shes not. Except on wednesday when she had her covid meltdown. But she told me major life changing gender reassignment surgery "freaks her out" its just the small stuff like that that sometimes gets to me. Especially since being in therapy is a must to get this type of surgery done. I'd like to feel supported by her and not have her grossed out by me once I get it done because I would have a penis and she wouldnt be able to control her emotions about it.

But I feel overall more stable now then I have these last 2 years so I don't feel as needy as I did before with therapists.

One of my friends got me a Christmas gift. It has 3 really nice bars of different scented soaps and 3 different types of lip balm. Excited to use them. I have been struggling getting myself to shower/do self -care lately so this will be really helpful in motivating me!

I caught my cat unrolling an entire roll of toilet paper ughhh...she gets into everything lol She's been doing well though, enjoying her toys. She's sitting in my lap right now purring

My psychiatrist started me on Naltrexone to help me lose weight, because I'm already on wellbutrin and prescribed together it's the same as the brand name very expensive single combo pill of Naltrexone/welllbutrin called Contrave which is a weight loss medication.

I'm currently 162 lbs. Hoping to get out of the overweight category soon. I was 139 lbs but I gained weight on the abilify. Of course I'm also exercising and eating healthier. But hopefully this med will help manage the intense cravings/hunger that comes from my APs.

Good Saturday everyone

I have to take a shower then run some errands today. Hopefully, focusing on the errands will distract my mind from this relentless anxiety. I'm thinking I'll call my new and difficult pdoc's nurse to tell her about this anxiety. I don't think the Zoloft is doing anything in particular; maybe helping depression a bit. I doubt that one call will get through to the pdoc, so I'm prepared to call every day until something gets done. If she would just prescribe a low dose of Haldol I believe that would help, but she doesn't "like" the older AP's - just the newer ones that cause weight gain and ruin your health


The fog is out this morning. It's so beautiful, I wish it would stay foggy all day. The bright sunlight just makes me more anxious.

I found out that Santa Claus will be making the rounds around town in his sleigh in a few days. Turns out the route runs right past my apartment complex. I'm no fan of Santa (he kind-of creeps me out); still, it'll be fun to see the sleigh, hear the music, and such.

Well, I hope each of you has a peaceful day and night

I’ve been horrifically depressed since waking. Intrusive SH and SI complete with images. I have laid on the couch all day, with the exception of one hour of frenzied cleaning of 1/4 of the kitchen. From the counter to the stove and the island is spotless. I sat down with the intention of going back to finish the table, microwave stand, and floor but never made it.

I watched a little TV, community, but quit after the season one finale because the main character did something really annoying and creepy. I will go back because I like the show but not today.

RS has been gone since 8am on a side job with his friend. We were going to possibly go to a “family reunion” type dinner on his side, but I assume we’re not now since I haven’t heard from him. That would be fabulous, I wasn’t sure if I could manage it.

I feel extremely isolated and I just want to pour my heart out to someone but I am also convinced no one would want to hear about it because I’m such an awful person. And I’ve brought it on myself bc I’m convinced there’s too much wrong with me that no one could ever understand and would just think I’m crazy and a loser for letting it get to me.

I haven’t felt this intense hatred of myself in a long time, I’ve m been able to keep the thoughts separate from my true self and realize it’s just depression but I’m becoming more and more convinced it’s me because I have nothing to be upset about anymore.

This is a vistril kind of night. F the side effects that may happen because of it. I'm glad I gave it to my mom instead of tossing it out like I was going to do. I'm not S or thinking of any type of SH. I am just super anxious and I've had my 3 valium. Its possible health anxiety. Not about covid though. I don't know. One of my therapists said sometimes we're just anxious for no reason. The furnace is turned up so I am not freezing anymore.

My hair is falling out in small pieces and its a bit alarming. Hair loss is a side effect of my injections but I'd rather go gray then not have hair.

Edit: I took the vistril and my normal geodon. I ate a yogurt but so far I'm not feeling much better. I'm tired though. I wish I had a zofran but I dont. I may just stick with the yogurt for dinner and nothing else. It makes me a bit low on calories but its not a big deal.

I was hoping to get the energy to go through my storage rack I use for food. Its all neat and organized and stuff but I feel like I am borderline hoarding food and I could at least check out what I have and maybe get rid of some and consolidate other stuff. Its all in storage bins because of mice.

This anxiety sucks right now. I'd even allow myself a cheat night if it would help. But my stomach hurts.

I just took a benadryl for sleep. I wonder if that was a stupid idea because I just took vistril. Which is in the same family I think. I also took a valium because I got scared all of a suddden and theres my usual anxiety then theres me being nervous. But being scared is completly diffrent. I was thinking of aliens to be honest. Aliens scare the **** out of me and I've had a few restless nights because of scary thoughts about them.

I did laundry and swept and mopped the floors in the kitchen and bathroom today. I also met N3 for coffee and a chat. Then I went to my mom's to help decorate her new- artificial- tree. We had dinner- meatloaf.

Ended up not going to the tuba show. Got started at putting the ornaments on the tree. Really don’t know where the day goes. Can’t wait till the 21st when the days start getting longer.

I'm depressed to the point I'm no longer taking my meds. It started accidentally but it's day three and I'm having withdrawals but to scared to take it. I want to be thin again. I want Anna around. I'm lonely but withdrawn. I want to physically hurt. I know I have to take them. I need to be stable but I don't want to. I'm sure cold turkey off these meds are a horrible idea. But maybe because I'm in pain I don't care. I haven't even called to see if I have a new therapist since my last one quit. I'm taking it personal because I know I'm a difficult client. I'm having the maybe I'll be lucky and not wake. I'm safe though I spent to much money on myself to not use the things I bought.

Eta: took my meds and had to give them to h to control mismanagement

I slept in a long time this morning. I assume it was med related because I havent taken the visrtril in a few days. My weight went up a few oz. But I'm not suprisied with all the iced tea and the vistril sucks too for weight. Today I feel a bit down about my therapy situation last year at this time and not having any support from my therapist because of IOP. I had a session scheduled on the 22 last year which got cancelled and it would have really helped me. Also my current therapy situation is getting to me as well. But I don't think I have any other options at this point. I go for bloodwork in the morning and I'm sure thats making me nervous. I hope the results are ok unlike last time. I feel like something isn't right and I am often right but I just don't know what. My mom says I know my body well.

I'm also behind again on my valium and I took the first one a couple hours later then usual. I try to stay on track with all my meds but especially my valium.

I took my valium and the anxiety is still there. Maybe I should just say F it again and take the Vistril. I cant eat as it is and I said last night that if a cheat day would help I'd do it. But I'm just not hungry. I had a corn tamale and a Lindt truffle and that was it and its getting kind of late. Its past lunch.

I’m feeling better today physically. My rib cage hurts but I can live with that. I’m so bah humbug today! I have a handful of reasons for not going to the Christmas event today and they are all legit but they can be handled. I don’t want to go but I’m too miserable not to. I need some fun and a change of scenery. Something, anything to get me out of my head. I’m glad I never turned to illicit drugs for help. It would be out of control.

Mom dragged me out last night to CVS and Cracker Barrel at 8:50. I had steamed broccoli, baby carrots, green beans and fresh fruit. Good stuff. We got home around 11:30.

I wish everybody well.

Christmas event sounds fun but I’m not one to talk. Yesterday we ended up not going to the tuba Christmas music. We just couldn’t get moving in time. It was a morning event.

Worried about my bf. He has covid and was having trouble breathing so he went to the ER yesterday. Got antibodies and was sent home. Sent a text to check in on him but he hasn't responded yet. Probably sleeping. I don't want to call and wake him up. Poor thing got his booster shot this week too and is having a bad reaction to that too. He's getting double whammied. I was around him the day he came down sick a week ago. So far I'm still healthy. Negative OTC covid test too.

Got 8 hours sleep last night. Feel pretty good so doing some chores. Have to go pick up my grocery order in a few hours. Starting to get the hang of ordering groceries online so I don't have to go in the store much. Been trying it out for the last 3 weeks.

Sent from my SM-G991U using Tapatalk

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed ...But she told me major life changing gender reassignment surgery "freaks her out" its just the small stuff like that that sometimes gets to me. ...

That's not small stuff. It is entirely inappropriate BIG stuff. I just might have stood up and left the room if my T said such a thing to me.

@Mountaindewed Hair loss and anemia are signs that your body is not getting enough nourishment. It thinks you're starving.
Anemia is why you are so cold.

Also, you should weigh yourself- you in the general sense- once a week as weight can fluctuate by a pound or more when taken every day.

(I hope you know that this post is typed with love.)

Hello !!!

I have been in pure hell of back pain. I have never in my life had something this awful and for weeeeeks . Had all that nerve pain on top of it all. Couldn’t sit stand or lay down long. I “ think” it might be finally improving? That said I don’t want to jinx myself.

Medicare covers 5 chiropractic adjustments a year. (I didn’t know that was available)

Hope everyone is doing the best they can.. loads of hugs to anyone in need

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Hi Christina. Have you benefited from a chiropractor in the past? Maybe it's worth considering. My husband has benefited from one.

I haven't posted much because I have little to report. Covid is worsening throughout Central Europe, so I've had little motivation to go out in public. Hubby had his monthly eye appointment, so I took a nice walk around that area. I forgot my cell phone, so rather than sit in the car doing nothing, I exercised. Now I know the neighborhood better. In the window of a flower shop was an adorable Christmas sculpture type thing depicting a little snowy town and an iced up pond. It somehow had little human figurines skating on it. Sort of like electric train sets. I would have liked it. There was also a poinsettia in the window. I bought one.

The only holiday plan we have is to stay with my sister-in-law from December 22 to just after Christmas. She wants me to make some Christmas cookies and make salmon for Christmas Eve dinner.

Sending hugs, love and prayers. I hope you feel better soon.