Bipolar check-in #60

New one to restart the count....

Hey. So I was watching this TikTok live tonight and it's a guy and a woman. They are father and daughter but people kept saying that he is her husband. Nope. Anyway they have a lot of followers on TikTok and on YouTube and when they get to a certain high number of followers he will show his face. He never shows his face- it's all her unless he puts a cartoon face over his. But tonight the phone slipped and we saw his whole face! I don't watch them that often at all so to catch that was a 1 in a million.
Anyway, I know I've heard her say that he's her dad. 😆

Thanks for the shiny new thread rainbow 🌈

I’m still steady. Made banana bread today. Turned out ok but next time I’m going to add a spice or two. Thinking of going to the movies tomorrow, depends on how long my sister stays. It’s tuesdays $5 day. I’d like to see Dune in big screen and the theater has CC! It’s the next town over so it’s a big chunk of time, 45 minutes one way to watch a 2 1/2 hour movie. But I loved the book. The first movie was good but I bet the special effects will be awesome.

Banana bread is the best. It makes the whole house smell amazing too when it’s cooking. I’m going to see Dune on Friday with my friend, I hope you’re able to go see it

The hard part of banana bread is waiting for the bananas to ripen! They don’t sell ripe bananas anymore. But yeah, sells so good. Oh I hope I get to see it too, we can compare notes smile 😃

I had a video appointment with my psychiatrist today. It went well. She said I’ve made a lot of progress since I started seeing her 6 years ago. I told her about how I’m getting a cat and she’s happy for me because she knows I’ve wanted one for a long time. She signed the paperwork so I can have an emotional support pet in my apartment. She showed me a picture of her cats. No med changes right now since I’m starting to do better on the recent changes.

I’m having a lot of anxiety tonight though. I took my PRN medication so hopefully that helps. I rarely take it. Like the last time I took it was 50 days ago. I keep track. I try to only use it when I really really need it so I don’t get dependent on it and so it’s more effective when I do take it.

I just went ahead and ordered cat food, litter, a litterbox, a toy, a tub of Temptations cat treats, and a pet bed so I'm prepared when the kitten is ready to come here

I also started my Christmas shopping, so far I got my sister an Outback Steakhouse gift card

Feeling really good today -- I feel calm and it's really a relief from how I've been feeling. I won't attribute it to the medicine yet but I did notice a stark difference in physical anxiety symptoms from the first dose. It makes me feel confident this may help me. Let's hope!

Therapy went really well today. We basically walked through what therapy will look like, things we will focus on, homework, and the structured methods we are going to use. I am looking forward to working with my therapist, and I feel this will be a good fit. In general, I feel like this is going to be a good thing to have. I feel prepared to do the homework and start diving in next week.


I just feel good today. I should take advantage of that.

I got about 6 hours of sleep before I woke up with the sore throat from yesterday but it’s even more painful and I feel even worse then I did before. I knew falling back asleep would be useless so I had some iced coffee and I just stayed up. I feel more like I just have a cold then like I have the flu or Covid. I’m just really worn out and I seem to be having more throat and nasal issues then respiratory stuff. My mom is doing worse then yesterday so I told her we should at least go and get tested just to make sure we don’t have mild forms of Covid and she agreed. She’s in the shower now. I have no motivation to take a shower and I took one yesterday and Sunday anyways. I went ahead and cancelled therapy for tomorrow. I hope she understands this started after our appointment so she doesn’t freak out about herself. I just heard my brother start coughing and he looks pretty awful. So I guess he’ll have to come with us and get tested as well. Of course I’d have the most mild form since I’m the youngest and most in shape in the family. Although that often can mean nothing with this type of ****. Whatever it is I hope it’s nothing serious.

Now my mom doesn’t want to get tested because she swears it isn’t anything to be concerned about. Whatever. We’re all just kinda chilled out today. My therapist hasn’t emailed me back yet I’ll give it a couple more hours then I’ll call the place and cancel that way. I think I got the hoodie situation figured out. I was able to do it through Forever 21s chat function which is the only way I can talk with customer service. I keep spacing out. But I’m ok. Just very tired right now basically. My mom says I’m a day behind her so she thinks I’m going to get worse.

I’m doing well. I was invited out to coffee by a male friend for tomorrow morning. Not a big deal but a bright spot and I’ve been looking forward to it. Brother’s trauma surgeon’s office called and MUST see him tomorrow morning because that’s the only day he sees patients. We just saw his PA last week. Apparently, a screw in his hip for the broken femur is about to go through the bone so…second surgery. I must admit I’m disappointed that I’ve had to reschedule my coffee date. I don’t really have time to date but where there’s a will there’s a way. I’m determined to have a life.

It’s getting closer to the trip with my daughter. Looking forward to that as well.

I have therapy today with the therapist who attacked me. Will need to address that. Apprehensive.

I hope everybody has a peaceful day and sending hugs to all.

Don't you just love when you tell 1/4 of the truth and your treatment team is like "aw, thank you for being so honest with me," while you're thinking "yeah, I didn't tell you about x, y, z, alpha, beta, gamma, or delta and I'm not gonna because that will for sure end with me IP. So I got my injection today. I'm supposed to call the crisis line next time I skip meals or hear voices telling me to die.

I for sure feel like it’s just a mild cold. It’s just a sore throat and some nasal stuff and I’m worn out. But I did just pee out a bunch of blood and I have pain in that area so I’m dealing with the cold and that. I haven’t heard back from my doctor. I didn’t hear back from my therapist either and I can’t be bothered by her this week so I just called the office to cancel my appointment. I’m in bed watching some show called I Am Jazz about a trans teenage girl. It’s on TLC and I know shows on that channel are usually complete fake garbage and I kinda think this one is the same. It just seems so staged. Especially the parts with the grandparents and the guy yelling out on the street. Obvious plant. I mean maybe it’s a small town where everyone knows everyone but I don’t know that trans people go around telling other people they are trans. Or get that worked up over their hormone levels. I know I don’t do any of that stuff. The parents have a rule that she can’t have any friends unless they know that she’s trans and I don’t get it. That just seems like a disaster. Why is it anyone’s business? These parents who put their kids out there on reality TV are whack jobs.

@Sapien, that's sad and unfortunate that you didn't feel comfortable enough to tell your treatment team the full story. You really should be able to without unreasonable threats of IP.

Have you ever had an "informational" talk with your treatment team about IP threats? It could be useful for all involved. What I mean is to convey the cases when YOU, personally, would simply want increased outpatient (regular visit) help based on your sharing vs. more drastic interventions. I sort of had such an arrangement with my old psychiatrist, in the past. Not to say that if I was truly in danger that he wouldn't (and couldn't) veto such things. But I knew if he did, the necessity would be quite real.

I've experienced about four episodes when many psychiatrists would have sent me straight IP, but my psychiatrist gave it a try not to. However, in those cases he started seeing me two and three times per week (or requested daily phone calls for a bit), until the situation improved. I really respected and appreciated that. It made me really trust him. But of course not all psychiatrists are that level-headed or care enough and have time enough to provide the "extra mile" of service that he did.

What is your psychiatrist (and other treatment team members) willing to do for you? What would you like them to do for you? Consider telling them. Negotiate, if necessary.

Thank for the brand new shiny room ! We got free chocolate right????lol

Fantastic news across the board

The thing is, I would normally be totally honest but this was just the injection nurse I talked to today and last time I had similar symptoms she had me go IP. I told her barebones I'm not doing well.
I have an appointment with my NP coming up and I will do my best to tell her the whole truth: the med abuse, the restricting/binging/purging, the anger outbursts, the voices, the self harming, the not sleeping, and the suicidal thoughts/plan (under the assumption I haven't acted on that by then).
I mean my NP just kinda does her 10 minute check in every 1-3 months and changes meds if I tell her I need meds changed, I can't really expect her to do much more than that. My T isn't willing to do anything for me. I'd like her to stop giving me advice that would kill me though so I stopped seeing her.

I saw a different NP yesterday. The prior one is out on maternity leave. " Angela" was very nice, She has pictures hanging of Savannah !! I was like Ooooooo my favorite place in the world !! She said she is living on the strictest budget possible because she wants to live there eventually and IN the historic distract which is so expensive.

She didn't want to increase my Geodon and I'm glad. She said this is just what happens when getting off a benzo cold turkey. She said this anxiety will probably last months and months..

We agreed to try Buspar I have no faith that it will help anything. Didn't help anything years ago. Oh well I will just continue all the self care possible.

When we were done she said Ok I'll get the nurse to do Blood pressure and weight and I felt a panic attack coming in a nano second and Said NO I can't deal with her since she dropped the ball so many times. There is a huge conflict.. Angela : Oh that's fine. Have you filed a complaint? I did prior to going IP. I know one day I'll have to deal with her. But I just can't even anytime soon especially since I am not all that stable yet.

Hope everyone is a having the best day possible

Ok so as I watch more of this I Am Jazz show I learn that Jazz is and has been a big trans activist for most of her life. So that’s most likely how these people know her. I had no idea who she was. I know of Chaz Bono and Caitlyn Jenner and I know of a few trans drag Queens from Drag Race and I know of Elliot Page and there’s a trans actor on Nickelodeon and I thought one of Angelina Jolie’s kids was trans at one point. Never heard of Jazz though until I read an article about her today and decided to check out the show.

I’m over it. Today I’ve just been numb. Anxious in the AM. Fir about an hour I felt extremely uncomfortable, like I had to self harm or I couldn’t make it any longer. Obv I’m trying to avoid that so I found my stress ball and squeezed the hell out of it. It helped to focus my tension to an actual object.

I wasn’t in any crazy situations today but I could hear the walkie and overhead announcements and the school was just tore up today. Straight up until dismissal. Like non stop all day.

I can’t blame the kids, I really can’t. That’s why they’re here. But we are getting zero support from admin, that’s what’s so frustrating. I mean, the assistant director came on at 3pm saying she knows it’s been a challenging day BUT we have a professional development to do so get cracking. She was overruled thank god.

I missed my therapist appt too bc there was extra traffic and I didn’t get home in time. I’m going to ask her if she has any later appointments available because 4pm is just cutting it too close.

I’m ran across something about mindfulness (which I scoff at ) but i found a helpful tip about working in a toxic environment. It said to set goals for yourself outside of work, that have nothing to do with work at all. So right now I think my goal will be to get physically stronger through exercising as much as possible during the week.

I just need to come up with relaxing things I can do when I get home to put work out of my mind for the night.

Yeah I saw something about Jazz when she was a kid.

And doing a search on her revealed this link: Jazz Jennings, transgender reality star, grapples with almost 100lb weight gain - CNN