My diary: To support and help others

1/1, 2022. Felt like it was yesterday, even though it’s a new, fresh chapter in the story. The snow is gone since some days ago, now it’s just raining and raining. The feeling when you suddenly have autumn again instead of frozen, chilly winter. Dark too. I’m not complaining - quiet the opposite. But, I know that both January and February will swoosh just like that and I’ll enter in that period that I need to be extra cautious with. That period is spring, when daylight suddenly becomes longer and brighter. I even have another layer of extra dark curtains just to now having any sunlight at all. Completely darkness - as if I was living in Dracula’s castle in Romania.

I’m unfortunately sensitive to sunlight who can - believe it or not - trigger that my bipolar turns into heavy spring depression. That’s why I always need to be prepared every spring for the rest of my life. Even so when I’m on holiday, I only ask hotels if they have extra dark curtains. If not, I’ll just take another one instead. This is how I lived my life since the disease in 2011. But I refuse that it takes control over me. Why the hell should I let it when I can take control over it? One step closer to taking control over it is to take control over your sleep and your habits. That means getting enough sleep and go to bed early, no alcohol and try to avoid sugar (candy, bars etc.). No junk food. Exercise instead and eat healthy. Try to walk at least 2 miles. Perhaps 3 miles when you think you can make it.

Also, find some methods to be relaxed. Is it like I have - via an app called White Noise (mindfulness) - or is it via somewhere else, perhaps via a book, then go for it. But find a good way and strategy to relax yourself mentally when you’re in bed and want to fall asleep. Sleeping pills like Zopiclone will always be good to have in those moments you absolutely can’t fall asleep at all, or having periods to struggle for the sleep. Bur try to learn your body so you don’t need to use those pills that much often. Firstly, they are highly addictive, and second - you can’t never ever use them three or four weeks in row.

I hope that you will learn of any of my notes here. And I will write it each and every day. Also, I watched a lot of Netflix today - following the story of The Witcher. Never played the video game but I sure like the series.

Have a blessed and happy new start of this year! Let’s be strong together!

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Day 2 in the 2022. Great day today, people. Played with my brother’s kids (after they woke me up). I love them so much. I spent most of my day at home with them - it was their last day at their uncles place. But they will come again. As they always do. We spent the last moments today by watching cartoons. They like also to watch those programs on YouTube Kids where American parents make some goofy shows and shenanigans with their kids. I can’t believe how popular that is, but it is. Millions and millions of viewers. And I must say, it’s funny for the grownups to watch too.

I walked them home afterwards, their mother was there. My brother too - and his cyborg-leg. The little one jumped on their mom and hugged her. As he always do. One part of me was sad that they were leaving. Because they are my everything. And I like to spend every little moment with them.

When I walked back home, I thought also about myself. Me, having a family. But I don’t know. So far those women I was suppose to get a family with turned out to be something else. Not that I did tried, oh I did. And beyond. The only thing I regret is when I broke up with a girl back in 2013. She was the one. But, unfortunately, I wasn’t. I was still fragile, fighting to get myself back from the 2011 and also 2012. I wasn’t ready to be father. I was broke, no money no nothing. How the hell would I have even a family? How would I take care of my first born? With what? Money that I didn’t had? Call it common sense or whatever, but the day I broke up with her to fix my future - that haunts me too till this day. And I’m kind of sick and tired to be haunted from my past. I don’t date today, because I almost given up. My last relationship was in 2018. This year I’m 38. Watching how my fiends are married, having families and all that. Sometimes I dream about that too. Or perhaps it is my faith to be all alone? I, who chit-chatted since I was three year old with ANY stranger there was. Who is so friendly to everyone, always social. Then why the hell have I isolated myself from everyone?

That is something I ask myself too. And I don’t know. I don’t have the answer for it. Perhaps because I was hurt so many times at work? Just for being that - socialised? That I can’t trust at many people due to all this? We will see what tomorrow brings. I am just taking moment by moment, day by day. Perhaps I’ll ease up a bit with that isolation. Go out to gym as I did before. I know omicron will hit us hard, but I have two shots of mRNA. Thing is, I have also bipolar which makes everything difficult, especially IF sill get that new virus. The next shot is in February. So another month of isolation? Maybe, we will see. Not many can do this thing I am doing - while it’s ongoing difficulties on my work between me and my boss. While I need to perform at the very best on my work. While I need to keep smiling and still pretending that everything is fine. While I need to watch my back every minute to see who of my so call “colleagues” will stab me in the back with a dagger or with a sword this time. All this poison, while they all pretend to honouring the “values”.

Sorry for a long post today, dear reader. But I’m in a difficult position - and I can’t stop thinking about it. A position where my previous boss have put me into when same old boss listened at those poisonous colleagues. And last year came the new boss. Same as the old boss. But we won’t get fooled again…

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Day 3 on the new year. Worked early today, since I’m trying to have less and less oversleepings. Unfortunately, last night I was forced to take that pill I don’t want to take: the Zopiclone. That taste of metal, disgusting every time. I was in bed for almost one hour and I really wanted to naturally fall asleep. So as time went by (since time doesn’t give a damn about you, your sleeping-issues or your disease) I took the decision. But only one. And it erased every, little dream. As it always does.

Even when I woke up I felt that metallic taste in my mouth. Finished the breakfast, all the usual. Last week I booked myself a massage, and today I went there. And it was wonderful! Each and everyone of us need that contact, especially we who have this illness. The massage is important not only for grownups but also for children. When I went out from the massage centre, it was as if someone put wings on me. Just like with Icarus, except that I didn’t flew that high and got flambéed myself.

I walked through the rain on my way back home, listening on Ozzy Osbourne and his tunes. And he have hell of a lot good tunes. My top 3? “Tonight”, “Perry Mason” and “You Looking at Me, Looking at You”. It was nice little walk of approximately 2 miles back and fourth. If there is anything I need to spoil me away with, it’s massage. It’s not that expensive either. If I’ll go again? Soon, maybe. Even though I need to be extra cautious during this new damn outbreak of omicron. But to isolate myself? Hell no. I’ve been doing that since February 2020. I’m sick of this. Although, I won’t take any risks or stupid decisions but I will neither be alone.

Now I’m in my bed and trying to relax of myself. Release all minds from my head and swim across through universe, dream and dream. Hopefully, I won’t take Zopiclone tonight.

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Day 4 in the new 2022. I’m not sure how to put this, but I can’t stop thinking about this situation I’m currently in - even this year. I will not troubling you with all details, but, it’s job related. I have been so strong since the last year (when it all started), tried my very best. Not only that we still have this pandemic, and this new omicron-evolution of the Covid-19, some people are doing all their best to make my life to a perfect hell.

The thing is that, they are aware that I survived far worse hell-storms than this thing. I survived first bullying when I was 6 year old. I survived a war when I was 8 and 9. I survived being bullied by a teacher in three years when I was 11, 12 and 13. I survived parallel with that even more bullying by other students - mentally and physically. Humiliations, beatings, there were all kind of things that I survived here in Sweden, all these years I’ve been living here (almost 30 years). I’ve been seen everything here, I’ve been also at rock bottom one period of my life - no money no nothing. I survived even that, and also an attempted suicide in 2011. And I’ve been fighting all of this, even if many times - especially when I was 11, 12 and 13 - all of me wanted to disappear in atoms. Just to be gone for all eternity and never ever come back on this planet ever again.

But you know what, dear reader? There was always someone there. In my case my mom, since all of this was sometimes too hard for my dad to handle. My mom was my wind, my fire, my water and my earth. She was the key in all this that I never ever gave up. And if I had some thoughts about it, we walked to the woods. We walked and just walked. I listened and she talked. She knew I was sensitive and that bad people might use that against me, many, many times. Even today, some people use my sensitivity and my kindness against me. Putting all kind of daggers, even venomous ones behind my back. Then dine it on a silver plate.

I’m struggling now, like I did so many times before. Struggling. It’s though, it’s hard. It was same way when I was in university and being bullied by some older women in my student-group. But the worst thing isn’t the words itself who damages you and everything inside: it’s that cold, out freezing-thing and the silent culture. When you’re suddenly all alone and don’t belong anywhere. But you try to be happy nevertheless, putting your new mask on every day. And smile. Smile through any storm there is and have fun.

Tonight? It’s dark, raining at the moment. No snow, no nothing. I also took my pills, 8:00pm, as always. 2,5mg olanzapine, 300mg + 300mg Ergenyl. Tomorrow is a new day, new opportunities, new hope. Stay safe and enjoy every moment of your life! Oh, speaking of storms:

"Remember to play after every storm."

- Mattie Stepanek

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Hope you had great day, dear reader. Last night was - well - bad. One of my baddest. I refused to take Zopiclone (silly enough) and tried to fell naturally. All this when I had all those thoughts about my job and that. And, I got one of my heavy panic attacks and also panic disorder in one and same wave. I just freaked out. I couldn’t sleep no more. I took a book and tried to get asleep. Eventually, I did. Late, but I did. I was also going up early (6 am) and have meeting with my doctor.

So I woke up, ate my porridge of oats, took my medicines in the morning and waited for doctor. Doctor called me and I told him everything, the nightmares, about the work and so on. He knew all this but he didn’t knew that I’m this kind of pressure is putting on me and that I have panic attacks AND panic disorders. And for a long time at night. So I will not work 100% as I hoped for, but 75%. Also I think that I’m with depression, and he noticed too. Not that it fully took control over me but still. I’m in it’s claws.

After the meeting I made myself coffee and walked for a walk in the woods. I’m walking always to the woods even when everything is fine. But I needed this. A bit of foggy, slippery. The ground was frozen. But right before I entered the foggy woods, I heard something picking on a tree. And it was the woodpecker, noisy but funny. If anything keeps me smiling and cheering me up, it’s the woodpecker. I was there for a brief moment, stood and watched him picking that old tree. He didn’t flee away, just did his job and with bravura.

I went 3 miles all in all for my walk where 1,86 of them were inside the woods. I think tomorrow that I’ll go even longer. And it was wonderful! I needed that energy from the trees.

How I am now? Better, tired. Ready to sleep. Ready to take new things tomorrow. And keeping my head high no matter what. Life is like a bicycle. You only need to pedal forward - not backward. Because backwards will lead you nowhere.

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Your perspective is beautiful. I hope you are sound asleep at this time and having good dreams.

Woodpeckers are wonderful, and so funny, aren't they!

Thank you for your very kind words, Beth! It really warms my heart to read this. I mean it! Thank you! And God bless you!

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Woke up bit late and ate breakfast. Eggs and oat porridge. Then I went in the freezing sun outdoors. I went far this time, longer: 4,5 miles. I was so far away that I arrived at countryside. Seeing all meadows, where crops been harvested from last year. It was wonderful walk. I even found the biggest tree - birch - and leaned my back against it. I didn’t closed my eyes, but I looked at the sunset. I looked and I felt great than I ever did.

I went back on the same, icy road. It was slippery, cold. Everything was frozen. When I came back home after this wonderful walk, the sun had slowly but steady disappeared. I made me some coffee and enjoyed the rest of the day. Watched some British Antique Roadshow and my favourite - Salvage Hunters on Discovery Channel. I really love antique stuff, no matter what it is and no matter what era. Just love it.

Now I’m relaxing, will go to sleep and don’t think. And don’t worry. Relax, have faith. The problems are just like knots. And even the biggest, harder knot will untie itself.

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Your walk sounds absolutely lovely. Aren't birch trees special? The house in which I grew up had 3 birch trees in the yard.

I hope your sleep is refreshing.

Birch trees are very special indeed. You can also tap the water in spring from the young ones - very healthy water that you mix 1/2 of it in your glass with regular water and some concentrated juice. And drink. They also provide chaga, a fungus that you can collect and help the birch get rid off it. Then, dry it and blend it in a juice and drink. Or make a tea out of it. If you’re interested about it, I’ll give you a link to read about here:

Chaga Mushroom: Uses, Benefits and Side Effects

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I slept good last night. Although I took the Zopiclone as well, but, just half of it. Seems that Zopiclone Pilum is very easy to split - even with fingers. The dose was 3,25 mg (out of 7,5 mg). And it did it’s job just as good as when it was in one piece. Would’ve say it almost had equal effect.

Woke up, with no dreams (except at i end something foggy). Took my morning medicines and went, ate breakfast and went on my walk. It was snowing now (seems Swedish weather had bipolar since 2011 too) and I went to the city for some matters to do. Few were outside, somewhat busy traffic. Afterwards, I headed home. Took a good cup of coffee, warmed myself a bit and after a while I went outdoors again. This time to the woods.

All in all it was great day too. Saw then later at night some Netflix, took my night-medicines. How I feel right now? Relaxed, calm. Ready to go to bed and at least try without any assistance by Zopiclone Pilum at all - even with just 3,25mg. Put my mindfulness-app, White Noise (Evening Marsh) on and try to jump into a dream.

Have a nice weekend, dear reader!

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Hope you slept well

I did. Thankfully! It was a very good sleep.

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I woke up after a really good sleep. Some dreams too, somewhat clear somewhat not. Ate my oat porridge, as usual. Took a good cup of coffee but always with a little milk. My dear friend would arrive since we arranged that we would go for a big walk today. So he came, and we went. On the sidewalk it was so slippery, as if someone poured the water with tons of hoses and just kept going for miles. No sand no nothing to prevent this madness.

Anyway, we went on despite this. Talked about everything, from heaven to earth. He knows that I have bipolar unspecified. And respects it. He sees me just as I was anyone else. Actually, it is hard to notice that I even have dis disease. Because you won’t notice when you speak with me or meet me. Far from it. You will however noticed this when I’m about on having massive pressure from every, possible direction. And I mean a LOT. Luckily, I have learned from my episodes that I always listen after the first signals before I get into any episodes at all.

So we went on, and then headed home. The sun was there but not that much light. It was a good walk and I think we went about 7,5 miles. Also, the tempo was but fast too. We use to walk and also to eat at some restaurants and just talk and talk, gossips or whatever it’s on the topic. However, since Sweden now have sharp restrictions and there are more than 24000 infected people in Sweden every day, we won’t take any risks to have a snack in any restaurant at all.

Now I’m just laying in my bed and writing this. It’s late but I promised myself, that I’ll help anyone here with this disease. That we learn from each other. It’s like having a stick. You can snap it just like that. But when you try to snap ten sticks who are together, that’s when they will never snap.

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Hexagon Birch trees are very special indeed. You can also tap the water in spring from the young ones - very healthy water that you mix 1/2 of it in your glass with regular water and some concentrated juice. And drink. They also provide chaga, a fungus that you can collect and help the birch get rid off it. Then, dry it and blend it in a juice and drink. Or make a tea out of it. If you’re interested about it, I’ll give you a link to read about here: Chaga Mushroom: Uses, Benefits and Side Effects Skickat från min iPhone med Tapatalk

Thank you! How fascinating - I had no knowledge of this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hexagon I woke up after a really good sleep. Some dreams too, somewhat clear somewhat not. Ate my oat porridge, as usual. Took a good cup of coffee but always with a little milk. My dear friend would arrive since we arranged that we would go for a big walk today. So he came, and we went. On the sidewalk it was so slippery, as if someone poured the water with tons of hoses and just kept going for miles. No sand no nothing to prevent this madness. Anyway, we went on despite this. Talked about everything, from heaven to earth. He knows that I have bipolar unspecified. And respects it. He sees me just as I was anyone else. Actually, it is hard to notice that I even have dis disease. Because you won’t notice when you speak with me or meet me. Far from it. You will however noticed this when I’m about on having massive pressure from every, possible direction. And I mean a LOT. Luckily, I have learned from my episodes that I always listen after the first signals before I get into any episodes at all. So we went on, and then headed home. The sun was there but not that much light. It was a good walk and I think we went about 7,5 miles. Also, the tempo was but fast too. We use to walk and also to eat at some restaurants and just talk and talk, gossips or whatever it’s on the topic. However, since Sweden now have sharp restrictions and there are more than 24000 infected people in Sweden every day, we won’t take any risks to have a snack in any restaurant at all. Now I’m just laying in my bed and writing this. It’s late but I promised myself, that I’ll help anyone here with this disease. That we learn from each other. It’s like having a stick. You can snap it just like that. But when you try to snap ten sticks who are together, that’s when they will never snap. Skickat från min iPhone med Tapatalk

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It is all lovely...your walk, your friendship. However, be very careful on the ice! Why is there no salt or sand poured on it? Someone could be terribly injured.

Thank you for your beautiful words. Your posts are like paintings.

A smaller truck came by to the sidewalk after I and my friend was on our way back. And just poured out rough sand. Unfortunately the town can’t do this every day due to the costs.

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Today was the final “resting” day. I had a wonderful sleep, dreams too. Made some breakfast, took a cup of coffee and went out. This time my dad wanted to join and it was cool with me. We went just same distance as yesterday: 4,5 miles.

The weather was bit foggy, the sidewalks still slippery. My dad had even spikes on his winter shoes. I myself - not. I regretted a bit when I saw how icy it was. Pure ice and some sand. I did slip more than once but I didn’t broke any bones. After the walk I took some water (that’s the best fluid to drink). Then I relaxed, had some rest.

I took then a book to read. Now I’ll make myself ready for the bed. I took all my night-medicines and refilled my leather-supply. Fingers crossed that I won’t have to use that 3,25mg Zopiclone. Have a nice Monday, dear reader!

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My first day at work today. Also, I needed that half of Zopiclone (3,25mg) last night which I took. It was okay today, except for that I got home late. Meeting after meeting. It was all digital meetings but still. Exhausting. I don’t speak with some so called “colleagues”, and those I speak with are in my working team. Imagine where I always need to watch myself, so I don’t get any dagger or sword behind my back. All the time. I wish I could transfer to another job, but the situation I’m currently in at the moment won’t allow me.

Anyway, I’m doing my best to be as professional as I possible can. Meet them all with a smile and a “hello how are you”. I prepared everything today since my new colleague was away. Everything is neat and ready for tomorrow. Everything.

Came late from work (worked from 7:40am to 17:40pm). Despite that I should work less. Talked with my little nephew who will get a surgery tomorrow. I wished him all well and a good luck. He is brave, just as his uncle. Then I relaxed, took a good cup of yoga night-tea (there are such teas and they are wow!), watched the news. Seeing how this Europe of mine might get us all in a new World War one day. Seeing all these extreme right-fascists who are high politicians in both EU and counties around that want to rip entire of this continent apart. Sweden and Finland included (Putin won’t rest IF we and our neighbours join NATO - but make an fully invasion as he told today). Even in Italy are fascists on arise once again, making manifestations and singing chants from Roman Empire.

Tomorrow is a new day though. But so far 2022 didn’t done anything good at all. On top of that: Bob Saget died. He was the same age as my dad. I saw him during my childhood both Full House here in Sweden and also AFV. All episodes from both! I was a big fan of him and I will miss him a lot. Rest in peace, dear Mr Saget, and thank you for all laughs! I will always love you!

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I'm interested to hear of the happenings in Europe. We in the States are at a near civil war between the left-leaning liberals and the far-right conservatives. The far right scares me.