My diary: To support and help others

Dear reader. I apology for my little inactivity from not writing for two days. But I needed all rest I could get. I was exhausted last week with so many of my colleagues gone due Covid, and this week didn’t started any good - despite that my colleague is back. I just stopped planning, at 22:00 pm. At night. Not only did I worked from 7:15 am and came home 18:00 pm. I kept working and working until now, till the night. Just to prove my worth as a teacher for some other colleagues and my boss.

This is heavy now. I didn’t slept much either, and this over-work caused the start of my bipolar back in 2011 when I worked with students at the age of 16-19. My boss doesn’t care whatsoever about my illness nor does she respect it. People are quitting there one by one and I’m not sure after all years there that I want to be part of that school anymore. I’m so tired of all those poisonous episodes I had with my last boss and now this one.

Unfortunately, dear reader, I can’t write much today. I am - against all odds - good. I’m all focused at doing my job and making the classroom flow. I’m doing even all adaptions for those students who need. Simplifying everything, making anything user friendly. Making separate instructions on online-work and such. Now I’ll go to bed and sleep. Well, try to. I have that half 3,25 mg Zopiclone ready just in case. And I think I must use it tonight.

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Hello Beth! It did, she had only a cold. My dad however, his high blood pressure did rise a lot. And he had a heavy headache. Despite from that they all good now. I was worrying about them but it seems that I have to worry about myself again. And my job.

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Dear reader. I didn’t slept well at all these days. Less and less sleep. Many long hours at work. Them take your work home and still work. All this documentation, preparation, all this administrative work while you still need to bring peace of mind to the students plus follow the plan, make sure they have the right adaption each and every one of them to reach the knowledge in every subject and lesson. You can say I kind of know how American teachers have it (since I follow them on social media), that many also have second jobs. So I will not pity myself. Sure, many of them don’t have bipolar or need to take sleeping pills to get at least 5-6h sleep. But still.

I figured now that I can’t work like this anymore. But I can’t unfortunately not look for another job in another town since I have some things to take care of first. Let say to save my rumour as a good teacher who always was there for ANY colleague, boss, parent and student. Always! I don’t want to leave my job without my dignity I deserve to have for all these years. Almost seven in row at same place. But this, this culture of silence. That is something some Swedish teachers are very, very good at. Also, groupings. And we are supposed to be role models? And teaches?

That’s why I’m upset about all of this. Because those people don’t give a crap what diagnosis you have or how much work you put in. Not even how you always is there for them, their students and entire school. They will only care about themselves, be quiet when it’s injustice and follow the motto “speaking is silver, silent is gold”.

No matter what, dear reader, I will do my job and keep my head high. And always be polite, helpful as I always was - and have a good simile.

So my divine advice to you, dear reader, is to never ever lose faith in yourself. There will be some difficult moments. But have faith in yourself. Always.

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Dear reader, please excuse me that I can’t write here every day. But things got complicated now. Also, I am having a depression. I know that it is that, because I know the signs plus the mood. I feel destroyed but yet I’m still intact. And it’s all job related. It’s sad how some people really hates you that bad, that they not only want to get rid off you - but also to mess up your mind on the way. People who thinks they have empathy but they only know the word of it and can’t even USE it. What they do use is ruler technique, oppression and spreading fear among others to not help their colleagues out. And then we have the cowards who are sitting calmly in the boat and praying that the ongoing storm will pass, while spreading the culture of the silence everywhere and pretends as if other things and happenings are better suited for them than this.

You know, there is a saying in Spain about swedes. Like for example - if a swede is in Barcelona and he or she made something deliberately but won’t admit it or are aware about an particular happening and chooses not to do anything about it, Spanish people say: “Hacerse el sueco.” While swedes here say “I’m pretending as if it rains.”

I’m not sure exactly how much you know about Sweden or swedes (there are many good people
here, and I know that cowards exists in other countries too), but these are some fact you shall definitely keep in mind. Especially when you are here and you are having “fika”.

No, dear reader. I’m not trash talking my fellow countrymen. I’m giving you some facts and knowledge about other culture and behaviour that some people can use to make themselves advance from position X to position Y, while thinking that they fooled or used others to achieve that to strength their personal egos. For example. Or, to simply look away when something that it’s “not their business” occurs. And I know all this since I’ve been here almost 30 years. I went through all of this from when I was a child till today. It’s unfair. It’s unjust. But where is justice? Does it even exist? And for what and whom? “…And justice for all”, as Metallica puts and sums it up in their album and their song.

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Dear Hexagon, I don't know much at all about Sweden or Swedes, but I am learning quite a bit from you.

I am very sad for you because of the trouble with your work. I can tell you're so dedicated to teaching; it's the other aspects...let's say it's something like the "bureaucracy"...that are pulling you down.

I have heard many teachers here in the States say that they love to teach, they love the children, but it is the other demands of the job that are so difficult.

I don't know, but it may be that teachers globally have the same, or similar, feelings as you do.

"...And justice for all"...That, as you say, is the question.

Hi Hexagon, I just was wondering if you have seen the Vasa ship? I was reading about it the other night and thought of you. Pretty fascinating story/recovery.

Hello Beth! Yes, the demands can be pretty messed up. Especially when some so called “colleagues” teams up and do their best to remove you. On top of it all: the former boss who is pulling all strings - even the local union (she was before president there). That is why I’m in depression now, since they even want me banned from not teaching for some years in my town and look for new job elsewhere. Well, that’s their goal. But I won’t give up. It is hard to work with depression when you know entire of you is tearing down piece by piece, but I have a colleague who is aware of all this and she refuse now to see me suffering.

I’ll call the head union in Stockholm about this to see what are my chances since here they are all my former boss puppets, and explain them everything. Hopefully, they will help me.

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Hello! Thank you! Last time I was in Stockholm was when I was teenager, with my class in gymnasium. That was 2004. We had a project in school to start a “company” (Young business-ship as the course was called) and I made my mates a webpage who was about sports travel. Let say you wanted see some soccer in UK (Premier League) or in Italy, we would arrange that by bus or plane. So my webpage won the local district that took us to the finale in Stockholm.

If I remember it right, we came third of all companies in Sweden who competed. That is when my true talents were in informatics.

When this all settles down, especially with my job, I’ll go for a visit again.

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Dear reader. Good morning. It’s Monday. I didn’t slept much this night. Woke up 5:40 am and got sleeping 5h earlier. I slept well on Friday and Saturday, but even if I took half Zopiclone (3,25 mg) that usually put me down, I couldn’t sleep more. I’m all awake and will soon go to have breakfast. I must be at work 7:15 am, every Monday (my boss demands 45 min extra work every week). I feel that metallic taste from the pill, and my left side of the head is as if it’s stunned.

Despite this I never miss my breakfast or my morning coffee. I have my routines and I follow them. My goal today is just to survive - mentally and physically - while doing my job. And it will be lot of pressure this week, since another principal will come for a visit to have a “second opinion”. Something my current boss is unable now to review and that is why she drags in this other principal. Also, she refuse to say the date and time when this principal will arrive, as if it was god damn School-inspection. Yes, dear reader, as you read it this far she is acting just like Vladimir Putin. Similar methods, but yet somewhat different.

Shame that she rules the school like that. And with ruler technique against those who are dissatisfied with her regime. But I must keep my calm little longer now. Even if my “judgement” will be close, there are always someone who can give that last, final help. I hope for the best.

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Good (late) evening, dear reader. I can now feel the full force of depression. It feels identically to Covid, except for that I had two doses of protection against it. Not that my body wasn’t in pain, along with fever - which it was. But depression is something else, and if you already is diagnosed with bipolar, it is even worse. Thoughts get coming, that’s that you might see all doors closes on you. Thoughts on how they treat you on your work, don’t care about your little salary and old jacket. And that you are all alone - except from one dear human who has hope on you. “What’s the point”-thoughts.

I am really doing my best to survive this extreme hostile environment. Not because of students and their lovely parents (I love them from entire pieces of my heart), and I even told all my little students when they asked me how much I loved them. I told them: “I love You, to the moon and back!”

I know I’m falling apart now, piece by piece. It’s like I was that yellow rose you forgot to water and now it’s slowly disappearing away. All it’s leafs, leafstalks and finally rot. Beautiful yellow rose with a bit of white tones around. I have trying to be strong for a entire year reacting my situation on work. To be so nice to everyone, smile, work and try to have fun. But now I’m at that point that is closing to the very last chapter. If you only knew dear reader, what I’ve been gone through there in now almost seven years. With my bipolar diagnosis.

I am having difficulties to sleep. I slept now not very well at all for three weeks in row. I have only one colleague I can trust. I can’t at the moment look for another job since I’m in a really messed up-situation with my new boss and one person from the HR-unit. It’s so messed on every level that even my local GOD DAMN UNION gave up last week and advising me to do same thing! Then I remember how I am, how I always supported others who needed the support, how I always was there for them all. For every child in the school and every of their parent. And then I remember this:

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Hexagon, Is there a possibility of a medication change to help with your depression?

To add more medicines it wouldn’t help my current situation - just make it even worse, since I wouldn’t be able to work at all. I can just now hang on and hang on tight, and hope that there is a window somewhere to get my self out of here.

I have spoken a lot of this - even medicines - with my nurse in psychiatry and we came to exactly same conclusion.

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Dear reader, good evening from Europe. I’m not sure how to feel anymore from this suffering at my work. Especially now when my colleague will leave next week and I will probably end up with having a substituter with no teaching experience whatsoever. It will end up being me having seven subjects every week. That is my hypothetical prediction. And I had many signs today that it indeed might end up that way. Or me, taking time out again 100% - like last year.

During the breaks, I enjoy the time with my kids - being judge in soccer or playing basketball with them. Especially since none of my colleagues are doing that or ever did that in my almost seven years there. Sad, if you ask me. Because you will get to know those kids so much better if you play with them and be part of their activities. I enjoy my time in the classroom with them too. We have fun, but also learning new things every week. Also about friendship, how to be nice to each other, the importance of our core values and such. Things that many of my colleagues even doesn’t follow. Yeah, those things. I don’t want to make them perfect students (there is no perfection and I don’t believe in that). I want to make them to good people, with empathy, who will care about other people and show them love and understanding. Especially since my little students are being in a segregated area - and school. I want them to make them trust themselves and have faith in themselves - each and every one of them. That they can achieve everything and be anything they want. That they will have jobs and a future in this country, and not take any other paths that could lead to for example criminality.

Yes, dear reader. I have showed them all my heart and how warm soul I have. Just as they too have. I have showed respect and understanding to their parents, and they all know how much I care about their children. Children with roots from Africa, Middle East and Afghanistan. I love them all so much and I am doing all my best every day so none of them will see my true suffering. And from what reason. How would they have faith on the rest of my “colleagues”, if they knew the truth? That is why I’m quiet. I don’t want to worry them. I want to make them happy with joy. And that is why I learned how to wear my masks. So when the night comes, and it’s time for me to sleep, I let all masks go. Trying to remember all those lovely moments I had with the kids, doing my little meditation and try to get me some sleep.

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Dear reader. Another week has passed. We did some lovely Valentine’s art today as last lesson at school. I saw that each and every kid in the class thrived. I did my modelling first and show them how to use the technique, step by step. And they got also a little, printed manual that I’ve made for them with instructions what to do and how (with pics).

They were so helpful and kind, helped me to clean afterwards in the art room. This student wanted to do almost exactly as I did with my painting that I did my modelling to show them and she liked it so much that she did it spot on. Notice how the girl make exactly the same colouring with three colours first (red, orange, purple) twice - just as I did - and almost identical order.

So yes, we did had fun. At the end of the day my colleague explained for the kids that she will leave because she got a job elsewhere. We explained that at some point teachers change their work to go to work with something else. But that I will be with them. I saw that relief on them, especially when they literally said loud “phews”. What they don’t know is that I will also probably leave them. I’m not sure how I will explain this for them, even so if I will still work with them for a while.

Tomorrow I’ll having a trip to big city with my friend. He understood that I was messed up and wanted that we hang out over some dinner at a restaurant. And just hang out, talk, and have a good time. I think it will be a nice day. To just relax and enjoy.

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Have a lovely trip tomorrow!

How was your trip? How are you doing these days?

Are you ok Hexagon? I haven't seen you post in a while. Hope all is well.

Hello and good evening. I didn’t meant to worry You all. I had a fantastic day on Saturday last week with my friend. We went in Gothenburg, ate nice meal, took us a nice cup of coffee afterwards. But on Monday it just went bad. My colleague was I’ll so I had the class all by myself. Not that we didn’t had any fun in the class - we did. And the kids love my teaching. They are all aware how much I care about each and every one of them. They have faith and hope in me and I’m the only one they got right now.

Which makes me feel so sad due to my situation and other “colleagues” who wants me out. How can I explain this to my kids in the class? That some teachers do horrible things to other teachers? Even some bosses? How can I learn them about core values when there are people on school who don’t give a damn about them - but like to preach to you on how YOU will perform them? I’m speechless. Especially now that my union got cold feet. I feel abandoned and all alone. Plus this depression. I can’t sleep at all well right now and piece by piece I’m going down.

I can’t understand why under people will do their very best to utterly destroy you. What kind of benefit will they gain out of that? What purpose? I have 4,5 years university exam behind me. I worked with ages 1 to 19 since 2008. I have so much knowledge, so much to teach. And they do this? To me?! Shame on them!

The most important for me now is to reclaim control of my sleep, so I won’t end up having higher dose of medicines. Which is to make you even more sleepy. I am tired, I can sleep, but I work so late at home
even after my work, so I get in bed late. Thing is to have a proper sleeping-rhythm. Once you have it, you’ll just need to stick with it. Even weekends. But in my case, I have fallen outside it. And now I’m trying to reclaim it. On top of that, I will have another meeting with my boss tomorrow and the union. I feel devastating, but I haven’t given up. And I will never give up. I just hope they will transfer me to another school away from all of this poison.

But dear friends, please don’t worry. In one way or another, things will be better from now on. I will be here and active - no matter how I feel. But these days I felt really bad so I couldn’t pop up here. Because sometimes it’s heavy only to deal with your thoughts - not to tell write about them and those things you experienced.

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No pressure to post. I didn't meant that at all. I just wanted to be sure you were ok. You're allowed to not post!

No worries! I know that if someone suddenly disappears, people might get worried. It’s logical and also it means you care about others. That is what makes us humans with empathy. So I fully understand.

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