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Default Dec 12, 2021 at 10:16 AM
  #1
Hello dear reader.

As you perhaps read in my introduction thread, I have told about myself and about my story having bipolar disorder, how I got it and so on. I’m 37 male living in Sweden and got my bipolar disorder by failed medical treatment from my hospital, which triggered the disorder and evolved it from heavy depression into bipolar. Today it’s diagnosed (as in its exact form) “bipolar unspecified” - since it’s neither Type I or II.

Since 2014 I’ve taking my new medicines, Ergenyl Retard and Olanzapine. I work even today as a teacher, despite that I’ve had burnt out myself mentally (first time in 2011 when I’ve got my disease) four times. But, I love my profession despite all of this and today I know how to not overworking and exhausting myself for something no one will thank you or remembering you for.

Currently, I have now to deal with some panic attacks. It’s a newer for me since I’ve never before had this much anxiety in my life. Also, my situation at my current job since early spring this year is not as steady as it once was. Especially when my previous school administrator stabbed me in the back by writing wrong things about me - even though that same school administrator knew my disorder, joined me to my meetings with my psychiatrist nurse AND doctor not once but THREE times. All of this made a huge impact on me, especially when I was so much loyal to the school and to this school administrator. If anyone asked me to do any favour, I did without a blink. If school administrator or any other colleague asked me to stay longer in school and help them - I did. I was there no matter what it was. That is why all of this is taking me and my family so hard.

I also use one of my important apps - White Noise (you can buy it in AppStore or Play Market for very cheap money) - and only one relaxing melody called “Evening Marsh” (since it remembers me from my childhood when I hunted in dark for crickets and firebugs in a swamp as a kid). No other melodies work for me except that one. Also, I have now seeing in private an professional psychotherapist who developed an breathing method so I can use it when those panic attacks gets critical. The method is like this:

Breathe in deeply as much as you can and count 1001, 1002, 1003, 1004 and breathe out and count in your head 1001, 1002, 1003, 1004. Repeat that in a “square”.

This was today of my diary. Oh, yes, my medicines. Almost forgot. I’m using 2,5mg olanzapine at night 20:00 along with 2x 300mg Ergenyl Retard. In the morning 1x 300mg Ergenyl Retard. I also have Zopiclone 7,5mg (Pilum) as backup IF I can’t fell naturally in sleep. I use only one pill (max 2) and it knocks me out after exactly 40 min. Not does it only knocks me out (I had this one too since 2011), it also erase every dream. So, when I wake up next day, it’s as if everything was in some black void or something. It just was black and empty. Erased. This is how that medicine reacts on me - so I can only tell this after using it 10 years and six months. ALWAYS consulate with your doctor FIRST. Glad that all of these medicines I’ve wrote about here can only be on recipe written out by a professional doctor in psychiatric. Especially the last one.

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Last edited by bluekoi; Dec 12, 2021 at 08:11 PM.. Reason: Administrative edit.
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Default Dec 13, 2021 at 02:50 AM
  #2
@Hexagon, welcome to the Bipolar forum and thanks for sharing some of your story. I'm sorry you had an event that triggered your illness. Most of us had some major trigger that seemed to kickoff ours. I was only 15 years old when mine took off. I'm over 50 now. It has been a lifelong challenge, but we can all experience many good times, despite. Do concentrate on your wellness.

It appears that you do have some coping skills/tools you use. I love my sound machine, too, and use it when I can't sleep or am anxious. Like you, the "meadow" mode is a favorite. So is "rainfall", "fireplace", and "brook". Summer meadow insects were much louder in my native New Jersey than in Czech Republic, for some reason.

I rather prefer nights when I don't recall dreams. I wake up better rested.

Many here are taking, or have taken, the medications you mentioned. Olanzapine has the same generic name in the US. The Eygenyl Retard is called "sodium valproate" (US brand Depakote), as I know it. I don't think the benzo Zopiclone is used in the US. I know there are these naming differences, as I now live in Czech Republic. In any case, I have also taken benzos, and once also took the olanzapine and sodium valproate. One of the benzos I took in the US is not prescribed in Czech Republic.

I hope you stay on here, if you want. Also, check out the "Bipolar Check in" thread to get to know others.

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* Seroquel IR (quetiapine IR) 50 mg
* Lyrica (pregabalin) 100 mg

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Default Dec 13, 2021 at 10:09 AM
  #3
Welcome to the bipolar forum Hexagon. Thank you for sharing! I hope you make yourself at home here and elsewhere on the forums. You're smart and will be able to help many if this is your desire. I have found that replying to other people's threads is a good way to get to know people. It's very nice to meet you

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Default Dec 13, 2021 at 02:41 PM
  #4
Hello Hexagon! Welcome to the forum, and thank you for sharing your story. I will mention that I, too, am suffering with severe anxiety. It's become nearly intolerable.

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Default Dec 13, 2021 at 03:08 PM
  #5
Hello and thank you @Soup de jour and @Fuzzybear for the kind words. I really mean it! Yes, that’s the correct name of the substance of Ergenyl. Sorry that I forgot to mention it but you knew exactly what that was. It’s an anti epileptic-medicine but can be used as this too.

I’m glad that you found the White Noise too. And I admire you that you can listen more than one sound. I still cannot, after several years of using “Evening Marsh”.

I will reply you too while I still will write my diary and some update of today - so I don’t write twice. Last night I notice that I couldn’t and wouldn’t fell asleep just like that. I have learned myself this to notice in time before I even try to be asleep. So, I took Zopiclone 7,5mg (1 pill). And prepared myself for bed. I put that sound on and try not to think in bed. At all. And some few moments the pill immediately took over and I got blacked out. But, unlike many other times, the last moment of my sleep in the morning today I noticed that I could remember few dreaming episodes. They were all short but I’ve remembered them. I test-drove a Porsche Cayman, that was six year old. Black. And I remembered that car that much as if I really drove it. I know how a Porsche Cayman looks like, but that car never was in my interest to drive at all. Like ever. Also, I will never have afford to get even an old Porsche from the 80s that no one wanted.My diary: To support and help others

After this weird dream (it felt as minutes - and before that it was all black and empty), I went to work. The students did their Lucia-play, everyone was so nice dressed. There was little Santa’s, Gingerbreads, some Lucias too and so on. And they sang so wonderful in front of other students and the staff. There are small children and they were so wonderful!

But later on the day was difficult. There was meetings, I had barely got a 30 min lunch-break. And after meetings planning and planning. It was pressure everywhere. I felt - incomplete. No matter what I’ll do there will always be that person who will be dissatisfied with what I do no matter how bad I try to do it.

Came home, exhausted. Feel pressure against my head now, as if I dived in the sea and suddenly got quick up. Too quick. Instead of being in decompression-chamber. Ate late. To normally fell asleep after this, hectic day? And this pressure I had last week and now that I’ll have this one too? I’m not sure about that. I’m not saying that Zopiclone is the solution every time, but when things get bit heavy then I can’t take any risks. My goal is now that tomorrow night I won’t take any.

Now, I need to release my pressure around the head and try to be positive. And go with the flow. At least try. Sadly, I have therapy in 22 December despite that I wanted to talk to someone now. If that six year old black Porsche Cayman will show up again in my dream - or what’s left of it - right before I wake up tomorrow? We will see…

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Default Dec 13, 2021 at 03:14 PM
  #6
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Originally Posted by BethRags View Post
Hello Hexagon! Welcome to the forum, and thank you for sharing your story. I will mention that I, too, am suffering with severe anxiety. It's become nearly intolerable.

Hello Beth! Thank you! I will write here my diary. I got that as suggestion from my first psychiatrist nurse in 2013 but I was younger and more inexperienced. Didn’t knew if that would help me or anyone else. That is why I started now. Here. To help anyone. And that they know they aren’t alone. And every day is different from the last one.

I honestly hope that my diary will help anyone. It’s never too late. It was a big decision for me that I’ll write every day my diary here and reveal all of my medicines, but if this helps someone then a part of me will be sleeping better every night.

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Default Dec 14, 2021 at 12:45 PM
  #7
Another day gone. Worked little bit longer at work - despite that I shouldn’t. But my colleague’s wife is injured so I basically cloned myself today in the classroom. Now, I know that there are far bigger classes than ours - especially in US. But never judge anything from its size. Some students can take your energy even if they are less than schools with bigger classes - and who affect the rest of the class in a negative vortex. And that’s the kind of vortex I try to avoid them getting into in first place. Peace of mind and stability are the key factors to achieve success - with that comes also more effectiveness in studying.

Anyway, I tried to get some 30 min lunch break with couldn’t have my last minutes due to an urgent meeting from another colleague. Then back to planning again for the this weeks lessons. Came home late (again). Hungry, tired, with some tensions on my head. As I was in a boxing-game or something. My muscles around the head are now kind of - numbed. Thought to relax in front of the tv or any of my video games, even though I know a proper walk would be better. Despite this darkness. Thing is: I never ever had complaint about the darkness. Some people hates it, but I don’t. It’s far worse in the spring - when the light is starting to becoming more and more expanding. It has that bad impact on me that I have custom shades and glasses who prevent that.

How my sleep went last night? Got late in bed (but not too late). According to my (very) accurate phone, I slept 7h 53min. Also thanks to my little Zopiclone. And just as it did the majority of my dreams were erased. Except for those short ones who come always in the end right before I awake. So approximately 90% of my entire dreaming will always be erased whatever I liked it or not. Tonight, my goal is not to take that pill and just fell asleep naturally. Wish me luck!My diary: To support and help others

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Default Dec 14, 2021 at 03:05 PM
  #8
Hexagon, what grade do you teach?

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Default Dec 14, 2021 at 04:37 PM
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Hexagon, what grade do you teach?

I teach in primary school.

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Default Dec 14, 2021 at 06:26 PM
  #10
That sounds wonderful. Do you enjoy it?

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Default Dec 15, 2021 at 04:22 AM
  #11
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That sounds wonderful. Do you enjoy it?

I do. I read every day on social media how teachers work around the world, even US. How they feel on work, what they do to recover if they need to etc. I read about their ups and their downs, how they - just as me - put their entire soul in their work and to educate young souls to become something in their lives. Their ideas in the classroom - everything.

Don’t get me wrong: I love my students but I only wish my colleagues at my work and my principal would’ve been more kind and understanding. My principal knows about my disorder but my principal doesn’t understand it. My principal doesn’t really care. I’m a number, I’m exchangeable and that’s it. My two colleagues, where I also told in confidence, understands it completely.

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Default Dec 15, 2021 at 10:48 AM
  #12
Last night I didn’t took Zopiclone. I could dream, and I did that. Dreamed that I was with my friends, with ladies. Everything. I couldn’t remember them all but one was that I was with a date with a woman. What a coincidence since I’m single (lol).My diary: To support and help others Anyway, I woke up. I didn’t had that awful metallic taste that Zopiclone leaves behind.

The day went well. Sometimes it’s busy, sometimes not. You need just to focus and refocus - not lose it and freak out. But, we are also humans. Sometimes we do lose it, sometimes we get panic attacks. But once you learned to master that, you won’t lose that in front of others. But perhaps lock yourself in the toilet room and cry. Cry silently. Then carefully open the door, put the “nothing happened”-mask with a touch of a smile on and walk away. Perhaps using also a breathing-technique while you were there.

Tonight, I won’t take that Zopiclone either. Not tonight. I know that I could do months without using it at all, but when you’re in difficult periods in your life and you have this disease going parallel with it, you got to be prepared and be stronger than ever before.

Oh, yes. A little hint to others: have a pill-box that you can buy in your drugstore. Preferably with seven days where it says “Monday”, “Tuesday”, “Wednesday” etc. and where you can put your pill in the morning (one side) and the other one in the evening (second side). Having strict structure with your medicine will never put you in situations to thinking IF or WHEN did you take your medicine, what day and IF you did take it in the morning as doctor said or not. Just a hint.My diary: To support and help others

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Default Dec 15, 2021 at 12:38 PM
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I do. I read every day on social media how teachers work around the world, even US. How they feel on work, what they do to recover if they need to etc. I read about their ups and their downs, how they - just as me - put their entire soul in their work and to educate young souls to become something in their lives. Their ideas in the classroom - everything.

Don’t get me wrong: I love my students but I only wish my colleagues at my work and my principal would’ve been more kind and understanding. My principal knows about my disorder but my principal doesn’t understand it. My principal doesn’t really care. I’m a number, I’m exchangeable and that’s it. My two colleagues, where I also told in confidence, understands it completely.

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I'm so happy to understand that you enjoy teaching the children. I'm sorry about your principal...I'm sure it is a challenge for you.

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Default Dec 15, 2021 at 12:41 PM
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Last night I didn’t took Zopiclone. I could dream, and I did that. Dreamed that I was with my friends, with ladies. Everything. I couldn’t remember them all but one was that I was with a date with a woman. What a coincidence since I’m single (lol).My diary: To support and help others Anyway, I woke up. I didn’t had that awful metallic taste that Zopiclone leaves behind.

The day went well. Sometimes it’s busy, sometimes not. You need just to focus and refocus - not lose it and freak out. But, we are also humans. Sometimes we do lose it, sometimes we get panic attacks. But once you learned to master that, you won’t lose that in front of others. But perhaps lock yourself in the toilet room and cry. Cry silently. Then carefully open the door, put the “nothing happened”-mask with a touch of a smile on and walk away. Perhaps using also a breathing-technique while you were there.

Tonight, I won’t take that Zopiclone either. Not tonight. I know that I could do months without using it at all, but when you’re in difficult periods in your life and you have this disease going parallel with it, you got to be prepared and be stronger than ever before.

Oh, yes. A little hint to others: have a pill-box that you can buy in your drugstore. Preferably with seven days where it says “Monday”, “Tuesday”, “Wednesday” etc. and where you can put your pill in the morning (one side) and the other one in the evening (second side). Having strict structure with your medicine will never put you in situations to thinking IF or WHEN did you take your medicine, what day and IF you did take it in the morning as doctor said or not. Just a hint.My diary: To support and help others

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Your dream sounds sweet

How do you master your panic attacks?

Thank you for the pill box suggestion. I finally began using the morning/evening box this year and it makes taking medication much less complicated.

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Default Dec 15, 2021 at 12:49 PM
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Your dream sounds sweet

How do you master your panic attacks?

Thank you for the pill box suggestion. I finally began using the morning/evening box this year and it makes taking medication much less complicated.

When I master my panic attacks I close my eyes and use the “breathing in square”-technique. That means like this:

breathing in and counting in your mind 1001, 1002, 1003, 1004 - *hold it* - then breathing out and counting same way 1001, 1002, 1003, 1004 and let it all out. And doing like this couple of times. The muscles around your head really relaxes and the tension release.

That technique is the main technique I use fast because you need to use a fast technique to stop the panic attacks right away. Especially since you can’t do yoga in a toilet room or any other small room you locked yourself in. When it comes you need to act fast.

Regarding that box-pill, this is the one I use but mine is having dark blue leather:My diary: To support and help others

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Default Dec 16, 2021 at 12:56 PM
  #16
Today I woke up early. I had somewhat good sleep even though my phone clocked that I was in bed from 22:02 to 6:20. However, I might not think that it really calculate the time itself that takes to fall asleep. Which can vary, from 30- and 40 mins up to 50-60 min.

The day? I rather pass the details, but it could’ve gone better. And there are many factors involved - not just me - without giving any specific details or info. But I also now know that some “colleagues” will never appreciate my work no matter what. Although it’s another story and don’t really fits here now.

I stayed - again - longer than I should. Came home just 30 min ago. Stayed and planned. Got contacted via phone from a health coordinator, and then I stayed to finish my planning’s for the next day. When I drove with the car through darkness and with music on, I’ve heard on our government owned SR P3 a song by Sam Cooke - A Change Is Gonna Come. It’s from the program “Musikhjälpen 2021” where some radio-hots and celebrities are locked 24/7 for 144h every December since it started in 2008. Literally. And people from Sweden and neighbouring countries can call and donate money to help with charity and global humanitarian assistance.

Suddenly, after I’ve heard Sam Cooke’s song, my chest didn’t burned anymore. I could breath easily and just leave everything behind. It was just me and Mr Cooke’s song, travelling by car in darkness. Not even with xenon headlamps. But still.

I then ordered a pizza, and now I’ll go for a walk. A long walk for 5 km. And I will listen at the best 1950s and 1960s music United States of America ever had in that golden era. That includes not only Sam Cooke but also The Penguins, Dion and The Belmonts, The Platters, The Marvelettes, The Drifters and many many more who are filled in a special section in my Spotify. My GOD America, so many great legends You have!

What my personal goal is with my life? My purpose? To visit America for the first time. I’m 37 and I have so many years ahead. And that’s my goal number 1. To see my favourite NHL-team playing, Chicago Blackhawks. To feel the audience, the atmosphere. Eat an American burger and hot dog. Get knowing and learn knowing some American people. But I was afraid to travel, because I have this thing. I was afraid of flying even though that I know I’ll fly straight to Miami or New York on night from Sweden so I can have this timing without jet-lag. I was afraid of that the jet-lag would had an very negative impact on me.

But I haven’t given up my dream and my goal. I still have it. And I know I would meet really nice people there. Maybe in 2023, when things get bit better with the Covid-19 and the new mutations. Perhaps then I’ll get some bravery and just go. For two or three weeks. Rent a cheap pre owned Crown Victoria and enjoy the highway (I’m a car-guy too). Visit places and just have a good time…

Tonight I’ll might have that stupid Zopiclone. I know it will help, but unfortunately it can also be addictive in wrong hands. That is why I’m using just one pill and strategically chosen nights. I’m glad that I don’t use alcohol and this is one of those pills that you cannot EVER use with alcohol. There are plenty of non alcohol beers and drinks to pick in every store, bar/pub, so stay healthy.

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Default Dec 16, 2021 at 03:21 PM
  #17
Oh, right, almost forgot my other hint for You who struggles with Your sleep:

There is also this weight blanket that you can buy. I have one that weighs 11kg (approximately 24 lbs). And it’s with these pearls that forms after your body when you cover yourself. There are many manufacturers but mine was Cura of Sweden. I recommend the weight blanket for anyone who struggles with the sleep. Better than taking sleeping pills every night.

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Default Dec 17, 2021 at 05:16 PM
  #18
I woke up little tired. Always the routine to take my morning pill. Got early at work, again. The day wasn’t perfect. One thing I’ve learned now those 10 years I got diagnosed with bipolar (unspecified) was that sleep is the A and B. You simply got to have good sleep and have that as priority number one. Otherwise, your body will (eventually) break apart - piece by piece.

Also, to have a routine and not oversleep during the weekend. Have a strict structure and good routine. I am saying out of my own experience. Read a book instead of a tablet (the blue light isn’t that great for the eyes nor the sleep).

I won’t have Christmas anywhere and yesterday I cancelled the mingle with my colleagues. Omicron is on its raise and it’s hitting us everywhere. I have second dose that I took in early august but it won’t help against this new virus. So, I’ll be nowhere during Christmas and New Year. It sucks, because I know that having connection with your friends and family is important for your psyche. To be social and socialise yourself with others. Right now I’m coughing and I feel that some cold is in the visit in my body. And also the pressure that still continue from my work. If I get from bad to worse I might not go on Monday to work at all. I also know that there are flu and other things that go parallel with Covid-19 so it doesn’t mean that I have Covid-19. No fever.

Well, this was today’s page in my diary. Have a good night.

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Default Dec 18, 2021 at 04:21 PM
  #19
Weekend. And I can relax a bit. Nothing special happened today more than I’ve got a cold. Well, more like of a flu. Head hurts, body hurts and I cough a lot. Ironically, I took the flu-shot two weeks ago…

When I’m sick I’m just at home and that’s about it. Ordered some new pills. Thing is, we in Sweden have something called “high cost-card.” Which means if you get to the 1200 SEK you have hefty discount on ANY medicine. So if one box cost $80 I’ll get it for $10 or less. Some even much cheaper. That’s the system we have here. Same goes with doctors. I get up to 1100 SEK and then every visit is for free. For a year. Otherwise it costs between 100 and 300 SEK depending on if it’s specialist or not. That is the most important of the health care and the core of it - to help other people and that as many as possible can have afford to buy medicines on prescription. That is why we have 25% VAT here in everything we do.

Hope You enjoyed Your weekend. One more day tomorrow. And enjoy the sunshine whenever you can.

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Default Dec 18, 2021 at 08:04 PM
  #20
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hexagon View Post
When I master my panic attacks I close my eyes and use the “breathing in square”-technique. That means like this:

breathing in and counting in your mind 1001, 1002, 1003, 1004 - *hold it* - then breathing out and counting same way 1001, 1002, 1003, 1004 and let it all out. And doing like this couple of times. The muscles around your head really relaxes and the tension release.

That technique is the main technique I use fast because you need to use a fast technique to stop the panic attacks right away. Especially since you can’t do yoga in a toilet room or any other small room you locked yourself in. When it comes you need to act fast.

Regarding that box-pill, this is the one I use but mine is having dark blue leather:My diary: To support and help others

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Thanks for posting the ''breathing in square'' technique! ! I tried this the other day and it did help. I'll try it again tonight

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Thanks for this!
Hexagon
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