Bipolar check-in #61

Spring is March 20 so less than 2 months to go!

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 ... Edit: I forgot, I dyed my hair and it worked! It’s a blue-black, which is what I wanted. Subtle but noticeable, something fun that I don’t think I’ll get in trouble for at work. ...

That sounds lovely!

I forgot: there have been no developments today to delay the re-opening in my province today on January 31 so New York Fries, here i come!

Great news Cheeto feeling better !!

I hope you can find out what exercises you’re doing that aggravating your back.. you back getting all messed up again is the last thing you need!

I love a blue black color. I bet it looks great on you.

Stay warm !

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In the past, I attended a number of DBSA support groups and had times when I left feeling worse. Truth is, sometimes people who are ill are not particularly supportive or pleasant to be around. Sounds horrible, but it is true. No fault in anyone leaving a meeting when they are triggered. In my old DBSA meetings (in-person), they split the meeting into two groups/rooms. There were times when I simply went to the group that didn't have a particular person in it. I know that's hard online, unless you can mute them.

Have you heard of the new online game Wordle? It's the latest thing that's going viral. My husband always did the NY Times "Spelling Bee", but has now mostly shifted to Wordle. Even today Google is featuring it. It's not too far from the idea of Scrabble.

Thanks, Christina!

I hope tomorrow is a bit warmer in your neck of the woods. I read you saying it's been chilly. I hope Richard is feeling better. Also glad to read that your tactile hallucinations are mostly gone. Those are particularly disconcerting types.

1. I totally agree with you that small treats are important in life. Frequent small pleasures can be equal to the rare big one in various ways. I relate to some of your examples. Also, for me even some (not all) cooking/baking projects are among my frequent small pleasures. I see them as fun. Really, anything that makes me laugh or smile is a treat for me. I try hard to laugh by watching comedy shows or entertaining myself and Hubby with humor. He entertains me (and himself), as well. Nature, music, all kinds of things.

2. I must try harder at letting others help me. I'm not always good at asking for it, either. This had been an issue most of my life. In general, I tend to keep a figurative glass wall between myself and others, and operate in an independent world...a bit of an introvert who can seem a superficial extrovert, at times. I know the reasons, but that doesn't fully help. I have discussed this with my past psychiatrist, and most of the therapists I've had in the past decade. It's a hard "protective" wall for me to pull down. "Protective" sadly also means "limiting" to a degree.

3. I can't really complain about my current medication mix. I've been pretty darned stable for the last year, with only very brief hiccups. It is understandable given my stressful move to Europe...during a pandemic. I don't have any significant side effects from my current mix. I guess I could say my Seroquel XR makes it difficult to get up at 5 am, but big whoop! As for weight gain, it could be far worse. Frankly, it's highly likely I could have been the same weight I am now even with ZERO bipolar medications. However, I can't say this about side effects of other medications I took in the past. Like for your sister, Depakote was a doozy. I reached my heaviest weight ever on the combo of Depakote and Invega, with just awful blood work results. Plus, I nicknamed Depakote "Depressakote" because I had a horrible depression leading to ECT. Depression, itself, didn't help me with weight issues. Others were also real doozies and did me more harm than good, in various ways. It's been a journey! Improved coping skills helped greatly, too.

4. I try to live in the moment, but would be lying if I said I had no goals for the future. Definitely more socialization. Integration, in general, including new language learning. Something I push harder than my husband is to find a more long-term living arrangement. We are currently renting a house. I want to own one again, not only as an investment, but for the freedoms one has when owning and the feeling of truly belonging to a place. I'm pushing to start looking, but it is hard to push my husband. This stupid pandemic also continues to be a barrier.

5. It took a while, but I think I know most of my triggers. This knowledge has been highly valuable, especially since I've learned good coping skills to fight (and anticipate) them. Yes, sometimes avoidance is one, but then sometimes avoidance perpetuates problems. I'm definitely not 100% in control of everything that triggers me, but I give myself a pat on the back for what I have achieved. I also feel more confident in the present and do some planning for future stressors.

Bizi and Beth, yesterday I had tuna and salmon and a lot of cauliflower and a few berries among some other normal things that I eat daily. I do normally get about 60-70 grams of protein a day.

Yesterday I ate around 1,320 calories plus some vegetables I didn't calculate. I thought yesterday was actually better then some other days I've had recently.

I had to double up on seroquel. I had to. I wasn’t going to sleep until who knows what time if I didn’t. I took the extra at 10:20pm and still didn’t sleep until at least 12:30am. I am super hungover today. I forced myself awake at 8am because I was supposed to see my therapist at nine but she forgot bc it’s 9:30 and I haven’t heard from her. Or she’s sick, who knows, maybe she has Covid. Anyway I’m not mad, it was nice enough of her to even say she would on a weekend and if she forgot or otherwise can’t make it oh well.

My eyes are so heavy. I don’t know what to do tonight if I can’t sleep again, I won’t be able to take 50mg and stil get up at 6:15 for work tomorrow. I’m thinking I’m going to take 25 at like 7 and if I’m not tired by 9 I’ll take another. Maybe that will space it out enough.

It’s 17 here so I don’t think we’re doing anything again.

My anxiety is kinda sucky today. It was like that all night and then I drank a can of cherry Coke zero and then I got a medium Coke zero with real cream from Sonic. I waited a bit to let those pass through my system before I took my first valium. Which hasn't seemed to have done much. I still don't want to take the visteril so I'm just hanging on as much as I possibly can. I did take an extra geodon 20 last night and then I was out of the 20's and I thought I couldn't get it refilled until the 29th. I remember taking maybe 2 extras and then a 3rd capsule was broken. But I don't know what happened to the others. But I found out today that the 20 is ready to be picked up. Which is a relief that I don't have to go without that and my 3rd valium at the same time.

But today I am once again just trying to hang on. But I'm wondering at what point do I need to stop hanging on and start taking control and start doing things like going back to work. I do feel like I should hear from my doctor first to hear whats up with the blood results. Then after that see where I am at.

I had planned on going to the library today but I'm not sure. I want to get back into reading so I can do some healthy distraction but I'm not sure I feel like dealing with crowds. Although I have no idea how busy this library gets on a Sunday. I may just read the book I got for christmas and go in the morning.

Edit: I did take the second valium about an hour ago. So then I thought maybe I needed to eat but it was still awhile before my mom got the pizza home. So I drank a Sprite zero and I took my Topamax. When she got home with the pizza I took my geodon she had picked up, with water and the pizza. Now I am just headachy and cold and getting that weird fatigue thing again. Plus I'm still anxious but I am still trying to hold off on the visteriel. I don't think I am at a code 12 emergency yet.

Code 12 is something I got from the SpongeBob episode "Imitation Krabs." I've been saying it when my anxiety or physical symptoms are out of control.

I didnt get to the library, I'll go in the morning. Today I've been reading the book I got for Christmas. Its a non fiction book on haunted locations in my state and theres a pretty big inaccuarate historical fact in it. Its actually pretty big that I am sure even people not from my state would be like wtf that is not true.

I cant believe its been nearly two years since my last ip. I got out early may 2020. since then i have started school and im still working partime. i still have therapy every two weeks. i see my dr every 3 months now (thats a huge deal)! i still take my meds daily and rarely take valium anymore (i used to be prescribed 3times a day). overall i am just happy with life. i have my moments and days. i still slakc at chores and homework. some days i dont shower. but i dont give up.

i say all this to say if any of yall know me...you know how huge a deal this is!!!

Congratulations Hallie. You've worked really hard.

Thank you so much! It hasnt been easy. Its just, man. I never thought id go one year without ip and im nearing two. i start my BSW practicum this fall and graduate with my bsw in may 2023!!!

right now i am learning about group counseling and family counseling. its pretty interesting. bet yall didnt know therapists have to practice empathy and active listening skills in school!

Gonna go take my meds now will you excuse me. I'm super anxious today.

My other cat just almost died from an asthma attack. She definitely couldn’t breathe at all for a few seconds there. Generally I can calm her down enough so she can relax and breathe but not this time. Thank god she came out of it, the pet ER is ten minutes away, she wouldn’t make it if she can’t breathe.

She does not have a rescue inhaler but she does have a course of steroids I can give her if she starts getting bad, so I just gave her a dose and will continue the course.

I can’t believe this ****, if it’s not one cat it’s another! How did I end up with two chronically ill cats! I mean it’s like having a chronically ill child though, I wouldn’t give up on them. I’m just scared to leave her alone now. Or watch her die before my eyes, what a terrifying way to go.

**** that scared me. I had to weigh Cheeto again to see if at least he is getting better. Gained another half a pound if the scale is to be believed. I think that might be making my other cat’s asthma worse, I’m leaving lots of food out for Cheeto so he can gain weight but she’s eating it too and she’s getting FAT.

I’m going to stop vaping inside as much. I won’t go out after dark so I’ll have to just take a puff here and there. That’ll help me eventually quit too at least.

I hope she’s ok for the rest of the day/night.

I am on the verge of panic right now.

I am beyond proud of you.

Just the hard work you have been doing on yourself over the years is absolutely amazing. You decided you wanted to make huge changes in your life and are doing it. School is hard as hell at times but dang you are kicking it’s a&& !

I love ya for truly taking charge of your life in all ways

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Life needs to ease up on you ! Damn Girl

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Dang Girl life needs to back off of you !

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We slightly warmed up a bit today… finally. But still cold. The wind

I’m kind of “ edgy meh” the last few days. I think it’s just my nerves getting the best of me.

I have a busy week with rheumatologist, Dentist and specialist. I’ll be glad once it’s all over.

Hope everyone had a good weekend

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