Medication dilemma

Miss Laura. You are wanted here. I never meant otherwise. I just don't understand what else I'd say to you about staying or not staying on meds. People with bipolar disorder DO generally need meds. People with bipolar disorder do have a tendency to question their diagnosis. It's all true. You know that I've supported you extensively here. My main worry for you is that you need to work on the grieving process. I'd strongly suggest you not jump into anything rash (like quitting meds) at this juncture.

My first psychiatric hospitalization happened about 6 months after my mother died young of cancer. Quite unexpectedly, like your mother died. That set off a string of 10 psych hospitalizations for me in a period of 4 years. Some of those hospitalizations were because I tried quitting meds again and again. They turned out traumatic. I did not process the grief properly for a long time. Don't you know that I would want to SPARE you such a period of trauma? Almost my entire 30s was a horrible period. I wish I had that back! I wish I had my mother back, but that's not going to happen. I had to work on that acceptance and growing strong again after such a loss. Weakening myself by quitting meds and irrational behavior (i.e. drinking) exacerbated the situation. This is the truth of the matter.

Sorry that I don't find pleasure in arguments that go in circles, like a dog chasing its own tail. This will be the end of what I say here.

I don’t feel bipolar 1 either…I think it’s just a catch all for recurrent psychosis that’s not as severe as that in schizophrenia. So my take is if you can’t afford the treatment yet, you know it’s meds for now. That doesn’t mean forever though, give it a year and see where you’re at and reassess. I will say I’m also indecisive but I believe to be due to the adhd which a lot of us also have if tested.

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I just want to say I don't feel like I'm in psychosis. No-one has noticed a change in me. I don't get hallucinations currently. I know I have in the past. But currently I'm fine. I have had delusions in the past too but I don't think I have them currently. Again I have had paranoia in the past but I don't have it currently.

I feel like the meds dumb me down and I am free currently in my mind I feel like I'm not dozed down like I have been.

Yes I admit my anxieties are high, my sleep is out of the park as in I'm struggling to get to sleep and get up, I'm talking to myself more of late too... but I think that's it. I don't think I have any other issues.

Forgive me if I'm wrong but I can't see a difference other than the last paragraph.

I'm building up the courage to tell my Sister but as of tonight I'm struggling to tell her. I hate disappointing people so not telling her means she isn't disappointed in me. If that makes sense?

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You may not notice a dramatic sudden shift in mood right away just because you quit your meds. It can creep up slowly over time after some time being stable. I suggest telling your sister so somebody irl knows just to be on the safe side. She can be more alert to your symptoms and may very well notice if you're heading up or down before you do. Would you be willing to go back on your meds if you become symptomatic again?

I really don't know I'm pretty dead set on not taking them.

I'm speaking to my Psychiatrist on the 8th and seeing my worker on the 2nd. So I'm gonna need to tell them some how that I quit and I resent them. I'm going to write it down so I can't chicken out.

I'm pretty anxious about it all tbh!

The injection made me freak out a bit... I'm kinda scared about accepting it. It's all poison. I just can't accept it.

You think after all this time I could accept the diagnosis and the meds too!! But I can't get my head around it all.

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If you truly hate meds and how they make you feel, stop taking them and see what happens. Maybe you'll get lucky.

No replies needed im just venting as im scared. I told my support worker and she says if I end up in the hospital I will most likely be slapped with a compulsory treatment order meaning it will be illegal for me to not take meds etc and if I don't I will be sent back to the hospital. I have never been in the hospital I'm really scared. I'm sitting crying. I don't want this to happen but I don't want the meds. I'm screwed and I can't see a way forward.

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I’m sorry.

I've also decided to see if i can get off my antipsychotic, olanzapine. I've been stable since 2017 without psychosis or mania or hypomania and a few months ago cut back on olanzapine from 2.5 mg to 1.25, which is half a pill. I hadn't noticed any untoward side effects or had problems sleeping so decided to go to 0.625 mg, or 1/4 of a pill. I'll stay on this for a few months and then try to go to zero. At the same time as I cut back on olanzapine I also completely stopped using cannabis after a long, multiyear battle with quitting, so I don't have any obvious trigger for psychosis. If i started having symptoms of psychosis or hypomania, including poor sleep for two nights in a row, I'd not hesitate to immediately start taking olanzapine again. I have a fitbit to monitor my sleep.

I think it dulls me and I'm also prediabetic now even though my weight is fine. Those are my reasons to try to get off it. On the other hand, psychosis is really bad for me because I get paranoid delusions and end up invariably hospitalized, so that's something I definitely want to avoid.

I read that even healthy people can get rebound psychosis if they abruptly stop taking antipsychotics. That's why I'm going very slowly.

Ive had a couple of pretty bad experiences when I stopped my meds. I hope that doesnt happen to you, whichever way you decide to go!

I emailed my worker and she has said that wasn't the intention it was to tell me I might not have an option if I am hospitalised. She was really nice in her email. I realise now that I was freaking out over something that might/could happen if I go into hospital. It does scare me as I have never been in the hospital before. I said I would take the weekend to think things over. Hoping to come to some kind of compromise with my head.

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I'm sorry Miss Laura

Right guys, still not decided on medication. I had an appt with my Psychiatrist today (Tues). He actually laughed at me twice. It was a video call. He said I WILL end up in the hospital. I WILL be slapped with a compulsory treatment order and people WILL be able to make decisions for me. He says I'm ill right now and that I should restart the meds. He says I'm flushed in the face and am not my usual cheery self. He says last time so in October I was a lot more upbeat and cheery.

I'm not looking for answers etc I'm just keeping you informed. Today I feel fine good even. How He can say these things I don't know re myself and how I "present".

Watched an old 90's show today set in a high school this girl has a break down and I cried watching her be sectioned, drugged and to hear she has a possibility of Schizophrenia. I don't want to end up in a predicament like she was in. I'm really upset about it all

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I've decided to keep taking the injection but not the Depakote. I do feel a little out of control. I'm talking to a guy in America and he wants me to move in with him well he plans on us moving to a different state than the state he currently lives in. He wants me to be a lady of leisure and he will pay for my living. I met him on a kinky site. I'm looking at flights. £700 + I could afford it plus I have my credit card. I'm dying to tell someone hence why I'm telling you all. My friends would tell my Sister and I know she will put a stop to it all if not worse. I lied to him told him I'm 30 but I'm 37. So I owed up and said I was 35 lol he'll never know. I just want sex now I'm so horny. I have the urge to talk but my 2 friends I talk to online are refusing to talk to me. Unsure why. Think j have annoyed them who knows they won't rank to me lol.

Anyways just thought I would fill you all in. I'm still on injection

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I just wanted to say that Im glad you've reached a decision @Miss Laura

Im a little worried about what youve told us on here though It sounds like youre taking risks, are thinking of spending lots of money, have an increased libido....

I hope that youre not having any kind of relapse and I really hope you keep well!
Stay safe @Miss Laura

Thanks Pinny,

I think I'm still well just a lil bit hyper. I mellowed down yesterday. The guy hasn't spoken to me in a full day I'm sad. He was great fun. I see what you mean I'll be careful

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I hope you're ok Miss Laura?

Yeah I'm great thanks, just ploughing through huh!

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