i feel like my adhd son is terrorizing me

Hi Everyone,

It's been awhile since I posted. I've been mostly ok and fortunately my cancer hasn't returned afaik. I read recently that parents with bipolar disorder have a much higher risk of having a child with adhd than parents without bipolar. Indeed this is the case for me.

I have bipolar and my son has adhd and recently moved from Canada for a job in the US. He also has a type of glaucoma that affects young people and I have been reminding him for the past 3 or 4 months that he needs to get in to see a glaucoma specialist since he's supposed to have a check up every 6 months to adjust his eye drops if necessary or go to surgery if necessary.

Well he hasn't been able to do that. Today when I asked him again if the glaucoma clinic had called him back with an appointment he said he had forgot the name of the clinic so he'd have to start all over, get a new gp and get a new referral which would take many months. This was absurd. He wasn't making sense.

I sent him again the link to the glaucoma clinic i had sent him months ago and he said that their number wasn't in his phone, so I suggested he call his gp and find the name and number of the glaucoma specialist he had been referred to. He answered that it takes months to get an appointment to see his gp so he wouldn't do that. Again he wasn't making sense. I reminded him that he could get the name and number of the eye doctor who the gp referred him to on the phone from his gp without an appointment. We went back and forth on this for over an hour and he finally called his gp and got a number.

When he tried to call that number for the eye doctor he said that their phone system wasn't accepting his key presses so he had no way to reach this doctor and would have to get a new gp and a new eye doctor referral, repeating what he had suggested the first time when he said he didn't recall the eye clinic he had been in contact with . So I called that number and had no problem navigating their phone menu with key presses and told him that. Again he wasn't making sense.

After several hours of trying he said he was able to reach this doctor's receptionist who said the reason they hadn't called him to schedule an appointment had something to do with templates, whatever that means. He still doesn't have an appointment though. He said they would call him within 48 hours to schedule an appointment but I doubt this will happen.

After he told me he couldn't reach his eye doctor on the phone because their system wasn't recognizing his key presses I got in touch with my sister in the US and asked for her to help because I didn't think he could manage to schedule an appointment with an eye doctor there. After 3 or 4 months he still doesn't have an appointment and everything he said today convinced me he was out of his depth and overwhelmed with the task, if not descending into mental illness.

When I told him i had reached out to my sister to help him he became furious with me and has been sending me angry text messages full of swearing and insults ever since. I put him on mute. He said I should have asked his permission to do that. I replied that I found him to be highly irrational and didn't see the point of asking him to make a rational decision to reach out to my sister today.

If he doesn't see an eye specialist regularly he could easily go blind. It's not something that can just be put off for years and I feel like he's destabilizing my mental health and I could end up back in the hospital with another psychotic episode. I am even wondering if he is just making stuff up and none of this actually happened. I am very disconcerted by his irrational thought process and inability to make an eye doctor appointment.

I’m not sure how to help. Just wanted to send wishes of good health for you and your son!

How old is your son?

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Of course you don't want your son to go blind. I totally understand your actions if he is really deliberately putting it off. However, I'm assuming he's an adult (at least over 18)? If so, in the end all you can do is tell yourself that you tried to help him. If he does let his eyesight go totally bad, it's his fault. I assume he's not intellectually impaired? I will say that my adult nephew has a pretty bad case of ADHD (inattentive type) but he was very motivated to have a neurological issue looked into. So, I don't think having ADHD, itself, makes people not take health issues seriously. If the situation is making him mentally ill, perhaps it might be depression (and not the ADHD itself) affecting his actions or inaction.

Hi Halliebeth, thanks for reaching out and for your good wishes. Sarahsweets, my son is 27. He works as a software development engineer in the US, which is a serious job, but has problems managing some essential life tasks. Soupe du jour, I'm not sure how deliberate his actions are. I feel like he is creating drama and I keep getting pulled into it. I also don't think it is the adhd itself that leads to him being unable to make an eye doctor appointment. He's always been oppositional to me from when he was a child and I am wondering if he is not able to do this because it is so important to me he gets his eyes checked.

I'm glad your adult nephew was motivated and able to get his medical issue looked into. Now my son is angry at me for asking my sister to help without getting his permission and is sending me endless texts full of swearing and insults, instead of dealing with his issue.

He brought up an old situation from about 8 years ago where he was thousands of miles away at university and called me saying he was thinking of suicide. I called the police where he lived to do a wellness check and he's never forgiven me for doing that, as if it was some great crime i committed. He's comparing my contacting my sister to help him navigate the US medical system to my calling the poolice years ago when he threatened suicide. He says it was wrong because at the time he was being investigated by the police there for a false rape accusation that. a girlfriend made when he broke up with her. He was never charged but the issue dragged out for a long time. He says that's why it was wrong for me to call the police when he threatened suicide, that I have no respect for his privacy or boundaries and that I am abusive for contacting my sister (yesterday) or the police (8 years ago) without his permission.

I feel very destabilized by all this. The constant feeling I have when dealing with the issues my son throws in my face is one of utter helplessness. I mean what am i supposed to do when he calls me to say he can't contact his eye doctor because their phone system isn't responding to his key presses on his phone? I feel like my whole life with him has been going from one impossible situation to the next.

My son isn't furious with me anymore and got an appointment with a glaucoma specialist in 3 months. I am so relieved.

Sorry I didn't have any input but I just wanted to say Hi! Glad the situation got worked out.

Wonderful!

I have 2 children, a daughter (35) and a son (32). They are both stable, successful people - yet there is many a time when (especially my daughter) can be very challenging. I've often told my husband that being mom to adult children is much harder than being mom to little ones.

Hi BethRags, congratulations on having stable, successful children. The challenge I have with my son is when he goes down a rabbit hole and comes to absurd conclusions and doesn't listen. I've gone down such a spiral a number of times with my son over the years. It reminds me of the temper tantrums he used to have as a child an my inability to console him. I think it's driven by both of our anxieties.

I'm glad he did follow through and make an appointment. That is progress. But it was like pulling teeth and I really do wonder sometimes at what point will he finally grow up and be able to completely manage his own life.

One of my supports where I live is an older guy who is an AA mentor I met by happenstance. He has counseled a lot of people over the years. We've continued to text for about 5 years and he's been really helpful to me. Except yesterday when I told him my sister and I helped my son to make his eye doctor appointment he texted back "It is inexcusable that an adult requires the help of two females at opposite ends of the continent to help him make a doctor's appointment. All three of you need to make some changes."

I wrote back that this message seemed judgmental and asked him why he used the word 'inexcusable'. I didn't get any answer except he didn't know how to respond to that. It's not the kind of support I am needing right now. I don't know why he feels the need to judge me and my family and put us down. He lost his own son to suicide many years ago and I am wondering if he was also putting his own son down while he was alive.

So now I'm thinking this relationship is also finished. I don't want his negative judgments. I was looking for support.

About my support person/mentor, the last time I saw him in person was at a local mall where we went for a walk and coffee. That was before covid. When we were having coffee he started talking about a nudist river beach he had been to recently. I didn't know what to say so I said nothing. He went on for what seemed like an eternity and then asked me if I would like to go to the next nudist event that group was having.

I said no... that it was not for me. One thing that really stuck in my mind is that he never invited me to any other event before or since. Why did he pick a nudist event?

I found the whole thing really odd and possibly creepy. At that point I decided not to see him in person, but we have been texting back and forth in the years since then and I have found comfort in being able to communicate with him. He hasn't brought up nudist events since then. He did come out to my house one time since the nudist conversation to look at something I needed help with on the outside of my house. Nothing weird happened then.

Now I'm wondering if it is also time to stop texting with him. He finds what I am doing 'inexcusable'. He won't explain why he chose that word. He told me I had 'overmothered' my son and now was living with the consequences. He said if I keep getting involved with my son's problems that he will 'never grow up', and that I'm 'not doing him any favors' by trying to help him and that he 'needs to grow up'. The more I think about what he has been writing to me recently the more it grates on me. It doesn't feel like support. I'm wondering now what his motives are in being a mentor in AA to many people as well as myself, although I didn't meet him as part of AA and have never had a drinking problem. In fact, i don't drink at all.

I'm wondering what to do about this person. The easiest thing is to just stop sending him messages, but that will increase my isolation as we had been texting most days of the week and I don't have a good support network.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tecomsin About my support person/mentor, the last time I saw him in person was at a local mall where we went for a walk and coffee. That was before covid. When we were having coffee he started talking about a nudist river beach he had been to recently. I didn't know what to say so I said nothing. He went on for what seemed like an eternity and then asked me if I would like to go to the next nudist event that group was having. I said no... that it was not for me. One thing that really stuck in my mind is that he never invited me to any other event before or since. Why did he pick a nudist event? I found the whole thing really odd and possibly creepy. At that point I decided not to see him in person, but we have been texting back and forth in the years since then and I have found comfort in being able to communicate with him. He hasn't brought up nudist events since then. He did come out to my house one time since the nudist conversation to look at something I needed help with on the outside of my house. Nothing weird happened then. Now I'm wondering if it is also time to stop texting with him. He finds what I am doing 'inexcusable'. He won't explain why he chose that word. He told me I had 'overmothered' my son and now was living with the consequences. He said if I keep getting involved with my son's problems that he will 'never grow up', and that I'm 'not doing him any favors' by trying to help him and that he 'needs to grow up'. The more I think about what he has been writing to me recently the more it grates on me. It doesn't feel like support. I'm wondering now what his motives are in being a mentor in AA to many people as well as myself, although I didn't meet him as part of AA and have never had a drinking problem. In fact, i don't drink at all. I'm wondering what to do about this person. The easiest thing is to just stop sending him messages, but that will increase my isolation as we had been texting most days of the week and I don't have a good support network.

Ew.

I feel like I need help to not see whatever my son does or doesn't do as terrorizing me. I don't know why I was seeing it that way. Maybe it's because I''m anxious all the time so when he was having trouble making the eye appointment that added to what is already a high level of anxiety. I fill with dread every time I get a notification that I have a message from my son. I don't know what new, unsolvable problem he'll present to me. But I don't have to react that way. This is not a way to live and I need to do something about it.

I don't know why I experience my son's inability to manage his life as terror. Yesterday he texted dozens of times about how to turn on the high beams of his car. This is just on its face ridiculous. Why is a 27 year old who works for a FAANG company as a software development engineer texting his mom about how to turn on the high beam of his car instead of just figuring it out or googling it?

Instead of saying this I told him it was on the turn signal level and he would see a signal on his dashboard that his high beams were on. Then he sent me a pic of his lever and asked me what the symbols meant and if he should twist the lever. I told him to either push or pull the lever. Then he said he could only get them to turn on by holding the lever so I went out to my car (which is the same model) and checked and told him that to toggle the high beams on means i pull the lever towrard me and to get them to stay on means i push the lever toward the dashboard. It took me 10 minutes and multiple texts including him sending 2 pics to get him to push the lever toward the dashboard. Then he texted me a pic of his dashboard and asked if that meant his high beams were on. He's 27 years old. I feel traumatized from that experience. Like he cannot manage just to try different things and figure simple, basic life stuff out for himself. His helplessness terrifies me.

Today I find out he still never applied for a credit card. I told him he can have difficulties if he should ever need to rent a car plus he needs to establish credit history. I told him to go through the bank where his paycheck is deposited and it will only take a few minutes to apply for a credit card but I am pretty sure he won't bother to do this until he actually runs into a problem because he doesn't have a credit card. Even though it only takes a few minutes. I told him if something happened to his car and he couldn't drive it he would have a lot of problems getting another car on the short term without a credit card. Many locations do not accept debit cards to rent a car.

I feel like this will never end and I will go to my deathbed sorting out his problems.

He was in a car accident a few days ago and he spent the whole day texting with me about how to deal with it. Then I wasn't able to eat for 2 days but did eat something yesterday evening. Today, again I'm unable to eat but I slept well due to increasing olanzapine. I've increased the amount of olanzapine I take and will call my psychiatrist on Monday. I'm supposed to increase olanzapine if I am having psychiatric problems. For the 1st time in my life I've been having thoughts of just ending my life because I don't see any way out from terror I feel during every waking second, with no reprieve or break. Just about every day is another crisis with my son and I don't see any way out, any escape, any reprieve, any progress. I feel trapped knowing it's only a matter of hours or days before my son is asking me to sort out another problem at long distance.

Of course, the emotions I experience are my own responsibility and not my son's. I haven't told him how i feel about his helplessness. I don't want to say anything that would reduce the confidence he feels as i think a big part of what is going on is his lack of confidence. I just don't know what to do.

There comes a time when a parent should finally cut the umbilical cord to their children. Definitely adult children. Or at least the adult child should do so from the parents. That doesn't mean never see or talk to each other. Just not be so dependent on each other. Adult to adult. Childhood OVER WITH. Then you can start feeling like he can manage without training wheels anymore. It would be a favor to you both and something to feel very proud of. A person with ADHD can do anything a person without can do. My husband and nephew are examples. There is no intellectual disability present.

Im really glad that he isnt furious with you any more and that he has an appointment sorted.

Im sorry youre experiencing such a difficult time with him though, it sounds really challenging and Im sorry I dont have any advice that I think would help.

It sounds like youve been very helpful to him and he has managed to get the eye appointment sorted which is very positive.

I hope you manage to feel a bit better with everything going on, its got to be so tough! Warm wishes

Thanks Pinny. I appreciate your kind words. I had a phone appointment with my psychiatrist today. He stopped in person in March 2020 and only does phone calls, not video. I've been seeing him since 2009 and he's been quite helpful for me to manage my relationship with my son, which is much better than it was years ago. He said I'm doing the right thing by helping my son and doesn't think I'm over mothering him or that I should cut the 'umbilical cord'. He said he thinks some people with adhd can take much longer to fully mature in all areas of their life compared to the average person and the fact my son is still needing my help and asking for it means I should keep doing what I've been doing and try to be helpful. That I just need to be patient.

I stepped up my olanzapine to 2.5 mg at night and he suggested I can take more and that it might help my anxiety. I read it can take a week to achieve the full blood level of olanzapine after stepping up so I'll wait a few more days and if I'm still having crippling anxiety then I'll take more olanzapine. My next appointment with him is at the end of February.

He said that the reason I flipped out about my son needing baby instructions on how to turn on the bright beams on his car is because I am just barely coping as it is and on a knife edge.

My son still hasn't gone to the dmv to get an in state drivers license nor has he applied for a credit card. So I have resigned myself that he won't do these things until there is some kind of crisis and he needs them immediately. On the other hand he goes to work every day, pays his own bills, goes out on dates, and goes to meetups to meet people to make friends. I looked at some websites for parents with adult children with adhd and realized that my son's situation isn't dire compared to those I was reading about there. So I am grateful for that. It could be a lot worse.

Is he being treated for his adhd?

He was taking Vyvanse for awhile but eventually stopped taking it because he said it didn't improve his productivity at work and only had side effects. It's been 2 more weeks and he still hasn't gone to the California dmv to get an in state drivers license.

Sometimes you have to step back and let kids experience the consequences of their behavior. He’s plenty old enough to learn.

I don't have anything to add. I'm sorry you're having so much distress. What I clocked in here to say is that I have 2 adult sons, one with problems and one pretty much normal, and I have problems with both of them sometimes too.