Bipolar check-in #64

I Ran out of oxy so I'm drinking. I have therapy soon. I hope she can help

Good Morning

Hopefully, I can navigate the ups and downs of today. I feel hopeless and nervous. I see pdoc soon and hopefully she will increase mood stabilizer and antidepressant.

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I hope therapy goes well.

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My psychiatrist did the same thing with lemictal. It’s nearly impossible to cut. I’m requesting two 100 mg tablets so there’s no cutting. We’ll see.

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I sent a message into my endocrongolist to see if I can go back on my testosterone. I just feel like complete crap physically without it. Plus my blood doctor did say I could go back on but my mom was making me wait for some reason. So I'm waiting to hear back from him before I go over for my blood work that the blood doctor wanted. In case he wants me to get some as well. I didn't sleep too well last night but I've eaten enough and had enough water so I shouldn't be feeling crappy as a result of that. I just took one of my last 2 zofrans. After the last one I'll just have to hang on until April 15th or 16th. Whatever date my primary appointment is.

I stopped at the grocery store and got the last 4 cans of nitro Pepsi they had. I don't give a **** if I took them all. That stuff is super hard to find and I've been looking all over at multiple stores for over a week and haven't found any after the initial 6 cans I got when they first came out.

Gonna take my second valium now. I took my first one at 3AM. I had one can of zero sugar Coke but everything else was caffeine free. I havent had any iced coffees or anything like I normally do. So I have no idea why my anxiety is this huge. Everytime I stand up I get dizzy and I don't know why. Again I've eaten and had a couple caffeine free Cokes. I'm still waiting to hear back from my doctor.

I'm ready to just say f it and just get the blood work that has to be done so I can beat the lunch crowds. I feel off I just don't know whats up. I've felt off for a couple of days. My therapist thinks my procedure thursday ****ed with me mentally. I think shes overeacting a bit. Although I do not want to go through it again, I don't think it tramatized me the way she thinks it did.

I’ll be a pocket rider too. Sir along with me. Thinking of you today.

Well thank goodness for the new dose of ambien last night. I slept 9 hours. Oh, much needed. My back is already better. Sort of a creepy dream though, not sure why, in the light of day it was just about building a timbered house on the planes with a big outhouse quite close with it own window. But in the dream there was a shadow of menace.

Snowed out last night. I hope for tomorrow s forecast of partly sunny with temperatures of 51. Blah, snow ❄️

I got my blood work done that my blood doctor wanted. Then 20 minutes later the other doctors nurse called and said "yeah we wanted you to get the other one done at the same time." Thanks for telling me now instead of when I was waiting 2 hours this morning for you to reply. But he said he might be able to tell based on the blood count test about the testereone or he may need that test as well to determine whatever it is he needs to determine. I have no clue all I know is I have been lightheaded all morning and my head hurts and my vision is slightly fuzzy. I wanted something legit to eat so I got some nova lox from Einstein Bros and I still feel lightheaded. So whatever it is isn't food realated. Hopefully the blood count test comes back soon.

Edit: I went through my med box and it looks like I didn't take my propalanol yesterday. So I went from Tuesday afternoon until an hour ago without any. Thats not a med you can just go off cold turkey. No wonder I felt like passing out. I'm starting to feel better.

Yeah the issue does seem to be that I was without the propalanol. I just now have some normal fatigue from not sleeping well last night but the lightheadeness is gone and my heart isnt racing anymore.

She did not help. Just told me to stop pushing people away and maybe I need a med change.

I’m sorry Sapien that she wasn’t more helpful.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow Guys, I'm scared. I dread the biopsy tomorrow and then I have to wait for pathology results. Again. And I just have a bad feeling. Something about needing 3 biopsies doesn't sound good to me. And while my chances of cancer thus far are low they are there and the likelihood varies widely depending who you listen to. I was fine with one biopsy; I was sure that would be fine. I've gotten more anxious about it over biopsy 2 and 3 and the need for surgical removal of the lesion(s). I just am so afraid of this. To make it worse I know that I have to lie face down on a table with my breasts hanging through a hole and being compressed from below for over an hour during the biopsy. When I had this before it was in a chair. But this place does it differently, probably for good reason. It does not sound fun. My pdoc told me it's not fun (she's had breast cancer so has been through all of this). I just need to focus on this will be done soon. By tomorrow night I'll probably be asleep as stress and numbing tends to wind me up and then knock me out. Thanks for listening over the last months. Otroo and any other man reading all this I'm so sorry. My poor therapist is a man and we've spent hours discussing breasts and things about breasts for months now. That's been interesting sometimes.

I love that your sense of humor remains That is so healthy.

Okay, I have never had anything done to my breasts except the standard mammogram. So please forgive me if I'm being totally naive. (My sis had breast cancer, though, so I know a little bit about all the procedures. btw - she lived 15 years after cancer treatments and tragically, died of an overdose.)
Anyway, in the past I have had massages. I laid out flat on the massage table and there was a hole at the end of the table where I'd put my face through so there was no strain on my neck by having to turn it. It felt so good to be lying there with my face in that hole. I'm wondering if the set-up for the biopsy is similar...you'll be lying down, which feels more restful than sitting up, and I'm wondering if it may feel more comfortable to have your breasts through the holes, not fighting gravity, and you can relax your back, neck, etc. I don't know if I'm making sense. I'm just trying to picture the set-up in my mind.

I am, of course, hoping the procedure is as comfortable as it can possibly be, considering. Please know I am thinking of you and sending love and healing vibes Of course, please let us know how you're doing.

And count me in as a pocket rider!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour OMG! I'm now a blond! Hubby had wanted me to go lighter haired and the last 3 times it was gradually lightened, but today it is lighter than I expected ever going. I'm a little unsure about it, frankly. I can say that this is as light as it will go. Future times will just be coloring roots and hair cut. If I don't start to like it, it will be colored medium auburn next time or some hint of red...or light brown. I know that suits me well. It's not Hubby's favorite, but it won't matter. No one in my family is/was blond except in early youth. There were some slight red heads. Update: This has been a scary hour. I totally had no clue what was going on. Apparently my hair was bleached before a new color was added. It's darker now. Relief! I confess I had been on the verge of tears before. See how ignorant I am about certain hair stuff?

She did a double process - bleach to bring up the level to very light, then the dye to cover. Is it a Medium or dark blonde now? What tone (gold, beige, ash)?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sapien I Ran out of oxy so I'm drinking. I have therapy soon. I hope she can help

Let us know how your session goes.
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I'm so sorry it didn't go well. It does sound like a med change would be a good idea, though. I mean...drug and alcohol use clearly indicates that there is mental health problems that are not being properly treated.

I had to pay $248 for my internet/phone/TV today and I'm flattened. They rip people off so badly.

I took 12.5mg of Seroquel last night and slept well. I do have a hangover feeling, though, so it'll be awhile before I'm functional. It's a gorgeous day, so I will try my best to take a walk.

Haha, I ordered a little crocheted basket, a bright chartreuse, to help with the spring sprucing up of my apartment. The woman who makes the basket is a military wife stationed in Frankfurt (Germany). So the army mail sent the basket from Frankfurt to San Francisco THEN to Chicago (???). It's "in transit" - hopefully that means it's BACK to San Fran, then to here. Gotta love how organized the army is(n't). Reminds me of when I go to VA appointments with David. "Hurry up and wait" as the army folks say.

As soon as I wake up fully I'm calling my health care advisor to get some numbers for med management in this town. I dread seeing that pdoc on Tuesday. I very seldom have problems with people; I usually get along well. But I feel like I hate her. Isn't that awful to say? But it's true.

Blue skies and butterflies all around! And speaking of which....how are you Blue_Bird? And Jane?

Yeah they do rip people off. Where I live now there’s no choice, just one provider of internet and tv, phone. You can get tv and phone from others but not internet.

I’m sorry your pdoc isn’t working out, that majorly sucks.

@BethRags hope you get your basket soon, and I'm glad you got some good sleep

I'm here, just haven't been posting much. I'm doing pretty well, haven't had any med changes since I'm doing good lately. Tomorrow I'm scheduling an appointment to get Miss Mustachio spayed. Tomorrow I also have people coming over to change the filter to my air conditioning and I'm really not looking forward to that. I hate having people come to my apartment. They could be here anywhere between 8:30am and 12pm so I have to stay here and wait because I don't want my cat getting out when they come. I'm trying to eat healthier and am having massive sugar cravings but am trying to ignore them lol I didn't sleep well last night, and was looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow but I can't because I need to be awake for the people coming to change the filter, so that ruins my plans. I sat outside in the morning for about 30 minutes, it was nice being outside for a change. It stays pretty cold here in upstate NY kinda far into spring, on Tuesday it was like 16 degrees here and in the low 20's throughout the day. It's starting to get warmer now though

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I just don't get it.

Ugh. That completely sucks.

How in the world do I fall so behind on here????

I’m losing lots of time lately. Saw Richard yesterday and he mentioned about 15 mins in that I’m not my normal attentive self.

Anyway… we are going to start some therapy work using the “ Internal family systems” I am really looking forward to it.

I hope everyone is having a pleasant day.

Love to you all

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