Bipolar check-in #64

Wild. I am so sorry that things are just shyt right now. Just hold on tight and ride the waves as they come.

Beth the trauma of that wretched woman will likely stick for a while. With some of my trauma I literally think out loud in the midst of it “ fine wtf ever” for me I think it helps me to not live in it if I just think /say whatever about it. It doesn’t go away be I always feel a slight ease of the crushing weight it is on top of me. I dunno just a thought.

Bluebird. Miss M is hilarious !! What a great picture !

Soupe how is your trip going ? Have you enjoyed NYC ?

Whatever.. have you noticed Wellbutrin helping yet ? It might just need a bit longer to kick in this go around.

Otoroo. So glad to read that your trip is going. I’m sorry there is sadness that goes along with it. Grieving the loss of a loved one is just awful.

Jennifer I’m glad your rash is improving, sorry your struggling right now. Just keep up on self care ! It’s getting closer to float time

Massive hugs my friends

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Mmm got cheesy bread and chicken wings for supper. It’s a better deal for us than pizza. Less leftovers. Got things done today around the house. Washed up the old blankets gave them a shot of the scent beads so they are smelling all clean for the donation center. I figure they are 30-40 years old it was about time for new blankets, yet they are still good. It’s hard buying new stuff when the old stuff is perfectly good. I have so much trouble with the modern throw away concept. Still have a perfect workable att phone from the 70’s for the landline but am forced to start looking for a new mobile phone cause it’s a couple years old! Geez 🙄 I always give away my age because I wish there were repair shops still.

See the pdoc tomorrow but I’ve nothing much to say. Sleep is so so and I haven’t had any nights of zero sleep. But it’s a check in to see how it’s going and only my second time seeing him so I guess it’s good to check in and establish a baseline.

I'm really upset with my weight and i had a potato chip binge this morning which made me feel miserable. But i abstained and just drank water for 6.5 hours and feel better. Then i had my protein drink. I feel it's so important to get enough protein. It's only 160 cals. I'll just have fruit cocktail for bedtime snack and that will be it.

Those darn chips! I threw the rest down the garbage chute.

I had a GREAT time listening to Neil Young's triple album "Decade." Some songs i haven't heard since i was a teen. "After the Gold Rush" was so beautiful and "Helpless" made me weep which helped process my grief. I had a fun time playing with my dog and whipping her into a doggy frenzy where she loses her mind and races around, it was so fun!

Hard to tell about the Wellbutrin today. I've been getting mild headaches and my heart rate feels faster and sometimes like there is a stitch in my heart. I've had worse heart pain and went to the hospital and it was nothing so this probably is also. I'll phone the pharmacist and ask what they think.

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Originally Posted by whatever2013 I'm really upset with my weight and i had a potato chip binge this morning which made me feel miserable. But i abstained and just drank water for 6.5 hours and feel better. Then i had my protein drink. I feel it's so important to get enough protein. It's only 160 cals. I'll just have fruit cocktail for bedtime snack and that will be it. Those darn chips! I threw the rest down the garbage chute. I had a GREAT time listening to Neil Young's triple album "Decade." Some songs i haven't heard since i was a teen. "After the Gold Rush" was so beautiful and "Helpless" made me weep which helped process my grief. I had a fun time playing with my dog and whipping her into a doggy frenzy where she loses her mind and races around, it was so fun! Hard to tell about the Wellbutrin today. I've been getting mild headaches and my heart rate feels faster and sometimes like there is a stitch in my heart. I've had worse heart pain and went to the hospital and it was nothing so this probably is also. I'll phone the pharmacist and ask what they think.

Phoning the pharmacist is a good idea.

Ha, how absolutely coincidental - I am wearing my Neil Young shirt right now. I have been a huge Neil Young fan since I was a teen. Isn't he from Canada?

Shortly before After the Gold Rush hit the charts, Neil released an album called Tonight's the Night. An astounding album. It follows a story that can be read on Wikipedia. Have you heard that album?

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Originally Posted by otroo This trip I am on is kind of weird cause while I am riding I don't think negative thoughts and I'm not as depressed while I am riding. The thing is as soon as I get done and I am sitting in my hotel room I am really depressed thinking about my wife wishing she was here. This trip is like a nail in the coffin that she really is gone forever and I won't see her until I pass. I know she is with me though and I am glad with that. I just hate this depression it does fade away while I am riding my bike though kind of makes me not want to go home right now. I am probably a week away before I head home but I'm not sure. I am think about going further East or South. I am going to Kentucky this week to see a friend that I have not seen in like 25 years. Sent from my SM-S901U using Tapatalk

That's the magic of movement. If you can, maybe just keep on traveling for a while.

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Originally Posted by Nammu Mmm got cheesy bread and chicken wings for supper. It’s a better deal for us than pizza. Less leftovers. Got things done today around the house. Washed up the old blankets gave them a shot of the scent beads so they are smelling all clean for the donation center. I figure they are 30-40 years old it was about time for new blankets, yet they are still good. It’s hard buying new stuff when the old stuff is perfectly good. I have so much trouble with the modern throw away concept. Still have a perfect workable att phone from the 70’s for the landline but am forced to start looking for a new mobile phone cause it’s a couple years old! Geez 🙄 I always give away my age because I wish there were repair shops still. See the pdoc tomorrow but I’ve nothing much to say. Sleep is so so and I haven’t had any nights of zero sleep. But it’s a check in to see how it’s going and only my second time seeing him so I guess it’s good to check in and establish a baseline.

Ohhh, how I would love a good old '70's landline phone! And they were free from the phone company. I have a landline, the phone is okay, but I'll be lucky if it lasts 2 years.

I'm super anxious. I went out to dinner which I didn't want to do. I tried using the skills I learned in therapy but my mind just was blank and I was in freeze mode. My mom and brother met my aunt and her husband at some small resturant that had basic american food and a lot of seafood options. The food was not good at all. I ordered a $12 grilled cheese and I can get better grilled cheese from a fast food place for $2.50. There was a couple screaming banshee kids behind us. They almost seemed autstic or something the way their mom was letting them go on. I honestly didn't mind since I felt like it drew attention away from myself. But besides the kids it was pretty much empty and no one was paying attention to me. I felt like the waitress was staring at me when I sat down and I pulled my hoodie down to cover what wasn't there. Anyways I've now had my Geodon and my 20mil melatonins and I brought my 12 pound weighted blanket with me. I didn't eat much today and I am exhausted from not sleeping much and doing more then I normally do. I hope I sleep decently tonight. I am so concerned about working again.

Oh I have no intention of going IP. It will not help, this is not a med issue. It’s just my PHP has a tendency to take the cautious road and I’m pretty sure the psych ER just sees my name and writes IP before even talking to me tbh.

I’m going to go weigh myself down. Cheeto often comes to lay on my tummy at night so he will help.

Thanks so much for your support beth, I really appreciate it.

Everyone else as well, thank you.

I think my therapist before I moved told me you can have S thoughts but not actually be S. Or something like that. I wish nights wouldnt be so hard for me. I'm just at a loss on how to deal with this anxiety and agoraphobia.

Just as an aside, my dad knew Neil Young back in the early 70s and I guess they played together but my dad said I was born and 9 weeks early so he made me a priority.

My anxieties really high someone just walked way to close to my porch and turned around when I looked up. I'm hoping it was just a quincidance. I'm trying to calm down. Next week is Miguel's last week until he graduates. I'm so relieve he made it. I'm not doing well. I'm isolating. Thinking they secretly hate me. All the noise is getting to me. I have therapy Thursday.

@~Christina, thanks for asking about my time so far in NYC. It's been pretty nice, but unfortunately pricey. Today we went to a wonderful exhibition of Jean-Michel Basquiat's works. His works are amazing and the venue was so well designed! Such a shame such a talent died so young, of a heroine overdose. I strongly recommend anyone in NYC area go. It ends at the end of June.

We've done oodles of walking through many parts of the city. Hudson Yards (and nearby High Line walk), the Village, Chelsea (had an impromptu mini tour of the refurbished historic Hotel Chelsea), the area around Lincoln Center, down Broadway to Times Square, a couple of the pier areas, and of course around Penn Station where we arrive/leave via subway. We plan to stroll Central Park one day. Maybe tomorrow/Wednesday as the weather will be good. We'll figure out the rest on the fly.

We saw a series of modern ballets one afternoon at Lincoln Center, performed by NYC Ballet dancers and one with guests from Dance Theater of Harlem. Of the four, I liked three. We also went to the Whitney Museum's exhibition, but that wan't to my taste, though most of their permanent collection is. Though I love most modern art (i.e. Basquiat's), there are some types I struggle to call "art".

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Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I think my therapist before I moved told me you can have S thoughts but not actually be S. Or something like that. I wish nights wouldnt be so hard for me. I'm just at a loss on how to deal with this anxiety and agoraphobia.

I wish so, too, Md

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Originally Posted by Moose72 Just as an aside, my dad knew Neil Young back in the early 70s and I guess they played together but my dad said I was born and 9 weeks early so he made me a priority.

Absolutely awesome! I didn't know your dad was a musician, that's wonderful.

My sister and BIL were roadies and worked with Neil Y. back in the day. Apparently, he is an extreme perfectionist.

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Originally Posted by Miguel'smom My anxieties really high someone just walked way to close to my porch and turned around when I looked up. I'm hoping it was just a quincidance. I'm trying to calm down. Next week is Miguel's last week until he graduates. I'm so relieve he made it. I'm not doing well. I'm isolating. Thinking they secretly hate me. All the noise is getting to me. I have therapy Thursday.

(((((Hugs Mm)))))

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Originally Posted by Soupe du jour @~Christina, thanks for asking about my time so far in NYC. It's been pretty nice, but unfortunately pricey. Today we went to a wonderful exhibition of Jean-Michel Basquiat's works. His works are amazing and the venue was so well designed! Such a shame such a talent died so young, of a heroine overdose. I strongly recommend anyone in NYC area go. It ends at the end of June. We've done oodles of walking through many parts of the city. Hudson Yards (and nearby High Line walk), the Village, Chelsea (had an impromptu mini tour of the refurbished historic Hotel Chelsea), the area around Lincoln Center, down Broadway to Times Square, a couple of the pier areas, and of course around Penn Station where we arrive/leave via subway. We plan to stroll Central Park one day. Maybe tomorrow/Wednesday as the weather will be good. We'll figure out the rest on the fly. We saw a series of modern ballets one afternoon at Lincoln Center, performed by NYC Ballet dancers and one with guests from Dance Theater of Harlem. Of the four, I liked three. We also went to the Whitney Museum's exhibition, but that wan't to my taste, though most of their permanent collection is. Though I love most modern art (i.e. Basquiat's), there are some types I struggle to call "art".

It all sounds absolutely fantastic! Love, love NYC. How exciting that you saw the J-MB exhibit. I have not been to the Chelsea since it was refurbished, but sadly, room 100 was gone by the time I visited the hotel. Enjoy tomorrow! Seems like the perfect time of year to stroll Central Park.

Grief takes a good portion of one's life. Am feeling with you! Glad to hear that you will see an old friend. Hope that gives you some relief for a while ...

So have I!

I was diagnosed passively suicidal years ago.

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Hi Beth, they said a good amount of the interior decor of the Chelsea has been changed, but some beautiful metal work and other details stayed. Our tour there was not an official one. We walked in and an employee there answered questions and offered to take us around. We slipped him some $$ at the end.

I do look forward to Central Park today, but am a bit nervous. Hubby is determined to rent ebikes. I haven't ridden a bike in maybe 12 to 15 years because of balance issues from bipolar meds (namely anticonvulsants and Lithium) and other side effects. These have eased over the year, notably, but it still... Wish me luck! I'll push myself as Hubby has struggled walking with his neuropathy. At times, he walks so slow because of it and says it hurts. I find myself leaving him in the dust. At least an ebike will be better than those handless Segways! In any case, on them I might be in the dust. Or a ditch.

I have been doing most of the talking to others since in the US. That's in contrast to in Czech Republic where Hubby does most speaking. His English is fluent, but he sometimes struggles slightly to understand when people have accents (other than mine) speaking English. A little liberating for me to talk more though.