Bipolar check-in #64

Went to bed a bit earlier, took an hour to fall asleep, awoke at 3:50 a.m. and here it is almost 7. I will go back to bed and sleep, though.


This afternoon I have to take one of my kits, Sadie, to the vet to get some stomach medicine. She has diarrhea from changing their diet to a very high protein, almost no carb food. Sidney needs a high protein/low carb food because of her diabetes. I purchased the food from a small business. Thing is, the small manufacturers say that cats are omnivores and should be fed food that is as close as possible to the food a wild feline would eat. Buuut...domestic cats are not wild cats. So the extremely dense protein diets sometimes upset their digestion. Pretty sure I'm going to switch them over to a high protein diet that is a little bit higher in carbs than .05%. The difference doesn't seem to affect Sidney's glucose numbers, anyway.

It seems like I'm having confrontations with some people lately. Yet, honestly I can't blame myself for the issues, because I had absolutely no intention of causing them. I guess...being misunderstood? I'm not cognitively the greatest these days, so I'm making mistakes. Anyway, I'm going to be especially careful with what I say, how I say it, and how I react, until I'm feeling more stable. I'll be seeing my therapist once a week instead of every 2 weeks; I think once a week will be beneficial.

Well dear ones, have a lovely! I hope Rainbow checks in today.

Still irritable as all get out. Must be something in the water. I got a good 7 hours of sleep last night so that can’t be it. Probably just trying to get out from under this rash and pulled in too many directions at once.

I didn’t make it to my tongue consult yesterday. I rescheduled for next Tuesday. I have to take my brother to the endocrinologist today at 3:30. I had to put out fires for him and mom this morning. Irritating.

Mom has decided to go on vacation with me. No break at all. Disappointed.

Still working on a better attitude.

Hope everybody has a peaceful day. Hugs to all!

Beth I hate that your in a bad place cognitively. You’ve had a rough time of it lately.

Went to aqua fitness this morning I was number 8 on the waiting list but there was only one extra person with me in the small pool! Gees. I leave the pool a bit early so I can grab one of the 8 private dressing rooms. I got there early too so I could sit in the hot tub, but I couldn’t, it was closed today. And most frustrating is that I signed up by 7:02 for next’s weeks class and I’m number 8 again! I really didn’t want to go this morning but I have my pdoc appointment today and wanted to be able to say I went. I have no excuse but laziness for not going today.

hugs to everyone struggling and hugs to everyone else too

My sister is dropping off Maybelle tomorrow morning to live with me, I'm going to keep her and Mustachio in separate rooms for a couple hours so they can sniff through the door and get used to each other's scent before I let them meet face to face. I'm super excited!!

I finally got some sleep last night, I was up for well over 24 hours before I finally fell asleep.

I have been doing some cleaning today, trying to get my apartment looking nice just because I've been lazy lately and haven't been keeping up with it. Well, to be honest I was extremely sore for a few days after I did all that exercise so it was kind of hard to get up and move around. Also excited because I may be getting some McDonald's tomorrow for a treat. It's been about 109 days in recovery from my eating disorder and I'm very proud of myself for that. I haven't restricted/purged/binged the entire time which is a major record for me.

My cat wakes me up everyday by cuddling, purring, and licking my nose, so I get up to get her her breakfast, I say "do you want breakfast!?" and she starts meowing and getting super excited, she's so sweet I'm getting a scratching post/hammock combo thing for the cats, ordering it in a couple days, and some catnip, new toys, and a brush for them. They should be happy

Aww Beth I hope you get some more sleep!
And I hope everything goes well with your kitty! That must be so difficult to balance and choose between foods and work out what’s best for them!
I’m so sorry to hear that you’re struggling with interactions! That sounds so tough, I’m glad you aren’t blaming yourself. Remember to be kind to yourself! Just like how you are so kind to others on here!
Lots of hugs

I was on my way to see T and interstate was shut down. Took me an hour and half to get there. I eve left early. All well. You have to be there within 15 mins of appt time to be seen. Luckily I made it

Today is my normal therapy day and I'm about 20 minutes away from my transference T's office. How ironic. I'm feeling some things I'm not gonna lie. Not just about her though. Just about the move in general. Its been almost a year. May 11th. Today has been good. Just the normal shopping I do when I'm in my homestate. Later we have dinner plans at a familar resturant with my uncle and his girlfriend. I've always been very close to my uncle and nothing changed between us when I came out. He actually called me to talk to me after my mom texted him and he told me how accepting he was of me and stuff. Anyways, I've been close to his girlfriend too and she is accepting but not quite understanding. She still accidently deadnames me and makes iffy comments but she means well. I hope it won't be a late night.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Beth I hate that your in a bad place cognitively. You’ve had a rough time of it lately. Went to aqua fitness this morning I was number 8 on the waiting list but there was only one extra person with me in the small pool! Gees. I leave the pool a bit early so I can grab one of the 8 private dressing rooms. I got there early too so I could sit in the hot tub, but I couldn’t, it was closed today. And most frustrating is that I signed up by 7:02 for next’s weeks class and I’m number 8 again! I really didn’t want to go this morning but I have my pdoc appointment today and wanted to be able to say I went. I have no excuse but laziness for not going today.

Aw, please don't be so hard on yourself. You're amazing about attending fitness classes! You probably needed a day off. I'm sorry about the frustrations, though. Oooh, I wish I was in a hot tub this very minute.

Thank you for your kindness. You know, I'm quite sure that all the many years of Klonopin has done cognitive damage to my brain. But lately, I haven't been very stable, so things are worse.

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Originally Posted by Blue_Bird hugs to everyone struggling and hugs to everyone else too My sister is dropping off Maybelle tomorrow morning to live with me, I'm going to keep her and Mustachio in separate rooms for a couple hours so they can sniff through the door and get used to each other's scent before I let them meet face to face. I'm super excited!! I finally got some sleep last night, I was up for well over 24 hours before I finally fell asleep. I have been doing some cleaning today, trying to get my apartment looking nice just because I've been lazy lately and haven't been keeping up with it. Well, to be honest I was extremely sore for a few days after I did all that exercise so it was kind of hard to get up and move around. Also excited because I may be getting some McDonald's tomorrow for a treat. It's been about 109 days in recovery from my eating disorder and I'm very proud of myself for that. I haven't restricted/purged/binged the entire time which is a major record for me. My cat wakes me up everyday by cuddling, purring, and licking my nose, so I get up to get her her breakfast, I say "do you want breakfast!?" and she starts meowing and getting super excited, she's so sweet I'm getting a scratching post/hammock combo thing for the cats, ordering it in a couple days, and some catnip, new toys, and a brush for them. They should be happy

How exciting that Maybelle will be joining your family tomorrow! I like the idea of a cat hammock. I've seen pics of cat hammocks people have crocheted - wish I could do that. I've never had a cat hammock, but I had hammocks for my rats and they would all pile in there and snooze. It was adorable.

How wonderful that you finally got some sleep.

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Originally Posted by Pinny Aww Beth I hope you get some more sleep! And I hope everything goes well with your kitty! That must be so difficult to balance and choose between foods and work out what’s best for them! I’m so sorry to hear that you’re struggling with interactions! That sounds so tough, I’m glad you aren’t blaming yourself. Remember to be kind to yourself! Just like how you are so kind to others on here! Lots of hugs

Thank you, Pinny, for all the kind words you've given me about my cat, Sidney. Support from you means a lot

Oh how exciting you’re getting a second cat, they can keep each other and you entertained. Glad you got some sleep.

Whew, did I ever make a mistake. So I was awake between 4 and about 8. Finally fell into a weird sleep, bizarre dreams, kept waking up, very cold, put socks and a bunch of clothing on, etc. Finally, I gave up and got out of bed. I felt horrible. My heart was pounding, I felt weak, when I blinked my eyelids felt very heavy, in general, I felt like I was almost passing out. I went to take my morning meds and...uh-oh. I realized that I neglected to take Klonopin last night. I haven't missed a single dose of K-pin for at least 10 years, because I get such bad withdrawal if I miss even one dose. Holy cow, I'm glad I wasn't having heart failure or something. Of course, I took my morning dose and finally, about an hour later, I'm feeling better. Wild.

While I was up during the night the news came through that Putler has cut off gas supplies to Poland and to Bulgaria. It's very disturbing news altogether, and I'm deeply concerned because I have friends that are so close they're like family in Sofia, Bulgaria. My Goddaughter there has a little one, a precious little girl, she's only 3. I'm very concerned about them at this point. I just cannot understand how that man is being allowed to continue these monstrosities. I expected more from the world in this year of 2022, more protection for vulnerable people.

Wow missing one dose does that! Man I’d be so wild to be off it altogether cause I’d hate that hanging over me. I get horrible withdrawals from the ambien. That’s why I wanted a pdoc, to get me off of this stuff. Never ever have I been not able to just quit a med when I wanted to. I got such bad withdrawals and they continued for weeks. Absolutely can’t stand the thought that a little pill can do that to me. I envision horrible scenarios where I can’t get a med for one reason or another, being chained to it is a nightmare for me. I’m so sorry they got you hooked on that.

I ran today! First time running since I broke my hip, didn't even hurt that much! Of course I only ran about 200 yards but it felt good. I can't wait until my car repairs are done so I can go hiking! Tomorrow I think I'm going to run around the block which is about a quarter mile.
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sending hugs to everyone who's struggling

I’m better today. In a sense anyway. I heard a voice this morning but at least I don’t hear voices that talk to me. Usually just one thing like someone calling my name. And it was just once.

I was so physically and mentally tired this morning I felt like crying. I certainly didn’t feel like going to PHP. But they don’t let you skip unless you have like a medical appt or something. If you don’t answer the phone they call your emergency contact and if they can’t verify your safety they send the cops for a “wellness check”. I’m sure cops love taking time out of their day for a “wellness check” on a mental health patient. So I went. Sometime during third group I switched back over to furious. I was so desperate to self harm but thankfully PHP has those re-freezable ice cubes so I squeezed those. Kept getting up and switching my melted ones for fresh ones. I was going to go to the gym but I was so hungry I thought I would collapse so I came home and now I’m over it. I think I’m gonna do a YouTube workout instead.

I still want to self harm badly but I won’t, I cant, I can’t be forced IP again.

I’m so sorry to those who are currently struggling. I hope this passes quickly and you feel better soon!

So I am doing well, just very tired today. Still struggling with hypersomnia I think but it’s manageable at the moment. I tend to go to bed at 6-8ish but I had a nap earlier so I’ve made it to 9 tonight. It’s quite frustrating still, why do I need so much more sleep!

Besides that my mood has been alright. I’m managing work. I’m back now properly, after a phased return. Everyone senior to me have been very supportive I think, to my face at least, I don’t really care what they say behind my back.

I still get down and quite sensitive, but I’m working on separating this out. I think my meds are working, but I’m not quite there. If that makes sense?
I’m going to start going to the gym again after going away next week!

I’m just going with my mum and sister to a cottage on the coast! It looks lovely! It’s right on the beach and I LOVE the beach! Despite it being a Scottish beach so it’ll prob be raining/windy/cold

I think it will be good for the soul

I hope you are all taking care of yourselves and being kind to yourselves! Lots of love and hugs

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Wow missing one dose does that! Man I’d be so wild to be off it altogether cause I’d hate that hanging over me. I get horrible withdrawals from the ambien. That’s why I wanted a pdoc, to get me off of this stuff. Never ever have I been not able to just quit a med when I wanted to. I got such bad withdrawals and they continued for weeks. Absolutely can’t stand the thought that a little pill can do that to me. I envision horrible scenarios where I can’t get a med for one reason or another, being chained to it is a nightmare for me. I’m so sorry they got you hooked on that.

Yep. And I am desperate to get off it. That's what benzos do - especially after 20+ years. It seriously scares me to remain on Klonopin, but the withdrawal is sheer hell. I've tried it a few times, verrry slowly - over a full year. I did manage to get down to 1mg/day rather than 2mg/day, but after that I was physically a wreck. I truly had a very difficult time with walking because the withdrawal affected my muscles or something.

I've always taken the K-pin as prescribed...when I was first on it in the late '80's benzos were considered a miracle med. Now I'm sometimes judged harshly by doctors for being on a benzo. Well, times and medicine change. They need to take that into account.

I fully support your desire to get off Ambien. The sooner, the better.

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Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 I’m better today. In a sense anyway. I heard a voice this morning but at least I don’t hear voices that talk to me. Usually just one thing like someone calling my name. And it was just once. I was so physically and mentally tired this morning I felt like crying. I certainly didn’t feel like going to PHP. But they don’t let you skip unless you have like a medical appt or something. If you don’t answer the phone they call your emergency contact and if they can’t verify your safety they send the cops for a “wellness check”. I’m sure cops love taking time out of their day for a “wellness check” on a mental health patient. So I went. Sometime during third group I switched back over to furious. I was so desperate to self harm but thankfully PHP has those re-freezable ice cubes so I squeezed those. Kept getting up and switching my melted ones for fresh ones. I was going to go to the gym but I was so hungry I thought I would collapse so I came home and now I’m over it. I think I’m gonna do a YouTube workout instead. I still want to self harm badly but I won’t, I cant, I can’t be forced IP again.

Stay strong. We're in the same boat right now. Gotta keep maintaining.

Oh yeah, Beth I remember the 80’s too, they just threw benzos at everyone back then. My first diagnosis was ptsd and I was so skinny from the anxiety and lack of sleep and they had me on that long one that you could snap into three tiny pieces. Can’t recall which benzo that was but I’m so surprised I could walk on the amount of meds they had me on back then. I became so dislocated because of the meds. My night meds caused me to sleepwalk. I’d get picked up by the cops and somehow they knew to take me to hospitals instead of jail. Thank god. I don’t know how I avoided getting physically hooked on the benzos from those days I was on them for years. I was on all of them at one time or another. Seemed like it was the med of choice back then. Since I recovered from the ptsd my anxiety has been much better and no one has suggested meds for anxiety since about 10 years ago. All that therapy paid off.

I'm still very groggy from my surgery and have sent out one confused, (hilarious), nonsensical email so I'm not yet ready to be posting on here. But I wanted to let pople know I'm ok, just very, very tired and trying toget through the fatigue that seems to be a big part of procedures for me.

Be back soon!