Bipolar check-in #64

Just starting a new thread. I'll link to this on the old one and ask the mods to close it.

Thanks rainbow 🌈 as usual I never notice the numbers.

Just so you know Sapien, Soupe and Sometimes psychotic, I replied to you on the previous check-in thread.

I emailed my therapist yesterday evening and left a message for my pdoc's nurse. Then I realized it was Thursday, not Wednesday, so neither my therapist nor my pdoc are in on Fridays.

My anxiety is moderate today, but here comes that long, long afternoon with it's hovering light. So I'll see how it goes. I absolutely need to call my sister and I keep putting it off. I miss her, and I worry about her. It's just so hard to listen to her talk about her medical issues when I'm feeling so fragile. She had a mild stroke some months ago and her medical problems are very real. Her husband, my BIL, is 80 and in good health. I'm genuinely happy for them because they are a "team," they have each other in a very strong way. It's just hard for me because while I can rely on David in certain ways, he is far from a loving and emotionally supportive husband.

Anyway, I'm kind-of rambling.

Sending loving vibes to each of you.

Yesterday went well but I got some pretty bad post op procedure depression right after. It went away as soon as I woke up, but I was tired and dizzy all day today like I was told I would be. Donating blood because you want to is one thing. Donating blood because its medically necessary is completely diffrent. I got there on time and I got taken back and the set up was as I expected. A row of recliners lined up with curtains seperating them with a nurses station in the middle. Most of the people were in their 70's-90's on IVs and using walkers. The youngest people looked to be in their early 60s. A lot were there for chemo treatments I assume. I looked way out of place. The nurse put me in a corner recliner which I was glad. She had a lot of trouble getting a vein and finally a second nurse had to take over. She found a vein but on an odd angle. Which meant she had to stay with me the whole time to hold the tube so the blood would flow properly. The bag of blood was behind me so I couldn't see it. We made small talk. Mostly about our cats. She asked why I was there. I expained the high blood level but didn't go into detail. I didn't tell her I was trans. I had my Adidas pride hat on I try to wear to my medical appointments. I have no idea if she knew or not but its not something I share with anyone in real life. My vein went dry but they got enough blood. Almost instantly after, I got nauseated. After 15 minutes the first nurse checked my vitals again. I asked her if nausea was normal. She said not really and asked if I wanted to stay longer. I told her I really wanted to go home. She asked if I drove myself. I said my mom was in the waiting room. She said oh good. Then walked me out. I collected my mom and ignored the lady who was giving us a sympathetic look and I went home and got into bed for the rest of the day. It was just a physically and emotionally draining ordeal. Plus being around all those cancer patients was sad too. A very old lady on an IV 2 recliners away from me dropped her styfroam cup and I so badly wanted to go pick it up for her but I was already reclined and I didn't want to get into trouble. Luckily she was able to reach it herself. I really hope my level is normal when I get it tested next week so I don't have to repeat this again. Today I just watched TV. Our new furnace was in which took all day to set up.

@Mountaindewed
My mom has polycythemia. her body makes too many RED BLOOD CELLS.
She has to get "bled" a couple of times then she will be at normal. They can't figure out what is wrong with her.She developed it a couple of years ago.she is 83.
please let me know if this is what you have and what are the dr's are saying about it.
bizi

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed Yesterday went well but I got some pretty bad post op procedure depression right after. It went away as soon as I woke up, but I was tired and dizzy all day today like I was told I would be. Donating blood because you want to is one thing. Donating blood because its medically necessary is completely diffrent. I got there on time and I got taken back and the set up was as I expected. A row of recliners lined up with curtains seperating them with a nurses station in the middle. Most of the people were in their 70's-90's on IVs and using walkers. The youngest people looked to be in their early 60s. A lot were there for chemo treatments I assume. I looked way out of place. The nurse put me in a corner recliner which I was glad. She had a lot of trouble getting a vein and finally a second nurse had to take over. She found a vein but on an odd angle. Which meant she had to stay with me the whole time to hold the tube so the blood would flow properly. The bag of blood was behind me so I couldn't see it. We made small talk. Mostly about our cats. She asked why I was there. I expained the high blood level but didn't go into detail. I didn't tell her I was trans. I had my Adidas pride hat on I try to wear to my medical appointments. I have no idea if she knew or not but its not something I share with anyone in real life. My vein went dry but they got enough blood. Almost instantly after, I got nauseated. After 15 minutes the first nurse checked my vitals again. I asked her if nausea was normal. She said not really and asked if I wanted to stay longer. I told her I really wanted to go home. She asked if I drove myself. I said my mom was in the waiting room. She said oh good. Then walked me out. I collected my mom and ignored the lady who was giving us a sympathetic look and I went home and got into bed for the rest of the day. It was just a physically and emotionally draining ordeal. Plus being around all those cancer patients was sad too. A very old lady on an IV 2 recliners away from me dropped her styfroam cup and I so badly wanted to go pick it up for her but I was already reclined and I didn't want to get into trouble. Luckily she was able to reach it herself. I really hope my level is normal when I get it tested next week so I don't have to repeat this again. Today I just watched TV. Our new furnace was in which took all day to set up.

Md, that sounds really, really hard. Physically and emotionally. I feel bad that you had to go through that. I hope you don't have to do it again.

Enjoyed my peace, quiet and privacy today. I ate three meals all on real dishes at my table. I did my dishes immediately. I didn't lie down at all today. I went in my ZOOM support group and it was interesting tho i find the barrage of people and faces and problems pretty hard to pay attention to for the full 90 minutes. I felt some compassion for several people. Felt annoyed with one tiresome man tho. He's a lesson in patience, i guess. I meditated TWICE today, in the morning AND the evening. I think it's working. I feel good.

I made a "witch bell" hanger for my front door. It's made from 5 beautiful bronze bells tied with rope in a creative way. Then I wove sparkly ribbon into it, the ribbon is called "fairy wings." It's all supposed to be a protector. Whatever. Would be nice. Anyway, it looks unusual and pretty, I think.

I'm waiting for Amazon to deliver a little stand with 2 cat food bowls in it.

This is the time of day I hate. 6 p.m. I remember when my children were little and David and I were a family with our 2 children, this time of day was dinner time. It was nice, because the most tiring part of the day was over and we could all eat dinner, then relax and watch a video, or watch some TV shows together. Also, medication was so much more reliable. 90 minutes to go.

Mountaindewed, my appointment was somewhat similar to yours. I thought I was going to a breast center and instead the breast surgeon and specialized breast health equipment was on an oncology floor. So most of the other people there were sick. To make it worse it was a floor my mom had taken my family member to for chemo and appointments so she had a hard time. I felt so weird not looking externally sick (and hopefully not internally either). There was one other woman about my age and most of the rest were men older than 65. I was so glad after an hour and a half to be taken back to the breast area.

I have a surgery dateu! April 25. 2 months after my original planned surgery date. So I have my biopsy Thursday and then Friday a phone call with financial services and then sometime the next week I have pre-op and a meeting with anesthesia is included in that. They spoke to anesthesia and no problems are anticipated with my MAOI.


So it looks like I may actually happen this time. I won't believe it until I'm in an OR but it looks hopeful. That will be 4 months and change since the mammogram that started all this.


I watched my pre-procedure educational video today. I learned nothing. After this long I have learned plenty on my own.

I will be so glad to be done with this. Or I hope to be done with this at least. I won't know for sure for a while yet. But I have a date and that's huge.

Oh congratulations rainbow. I know surgery isn’t a celebration but boy you’ve been needing this for a long time. Hopefully everything turns out benign. Sending healing rays your way.

I have something like that I can't remember what they called it but my grandpa also had it. Mine just popped up like last year.

Sent from my LM-T600 using Tapatalk

Today was ok mentally- good actually- if you don't count my being physically miserable. I'm so out of shape. We are constantly standing or walking- many many thousands of steps more than I'm used to. Back in the day, when my husband and I would go, I never had trouble with walking. It hurt to stand- my feet and lower back and by the end of the day- around 10- I was walking funny and in agony. My sister suggested getting me a wheel chair. We will see if that happens. I just don't see how I got this out of shape. Yes I do- I never exercise and I'm 50 pounds over weight. *Sigh*. This was not what I planned for and the pain is making me not enjoy much.

Been really depressed the last week or so. Things are really crappy right now.

Sent from my LM-T600 using Tapatalk

Quote:

Originally Posted by whatever2013 Enjoyed my peace, quiet and privacy today. I ate three meals all on real dishes at my table. I did my dishes immediately. I didn't lie down at all today. I went in my ZOOM support group and it was interesting tho i find the barrage of people and faces and problems pretty hard to pay attention to for the full 90 minutes. I felt some compassion for several people. Felt annoyed with one tiresome man tho. He's a lesson in patience, i guess. I meditated TWICE today, in the morning AND the evening. I think it's working. I feel good.

That is wonderful, Jane!

Quote:

Originally Posted by otroo Been really depressed the last week or so. Things are really crappy right now. Sent from my LM-T600 using Tapatalk

I am so sorry, otroo. Any plans for the week-end?

I was just about to go to bed, tested Sidney's glucose and it had dropped quickly in 4 hours. So I'll need to test her at least two more times before midnight. Then we'll snuggle up.

I'm trying to figure out what to do about my haywire anxiety. I think I will go ahead and take an extra Gabapentin tomorrow and Sunday, then connect with my pdoc (hopefully) on Monday. I also see my therapist on Monday and I'm going to ask her in person if she'll advocate for me to the pdoc.

@bizi the hormones I am taking are causing my blood to thicken and my hematricrit levels to rise. I also have a high red blood count but they just seemed concerned about the hematricrit. They didn't call it anything, just said it was fixable by giving blood whenever the level got high again. In order for me to stay safely on the hormones this is what I'll need to do I just don't know how often. I'll get blood work done regularly and see the blood doctor regularly too.

Yeah medical issues can just really take a toll on your mental health as well as physically.

I was thinking earlier on today... I hate anxiety.

Today I feel a bit angry which is a big improvement to the severe anxiety. I also have more energy.

I'm wearing a pretty dress today (lately I've been wearing a black skirt and an old shirt ...) Definite improvement.

I was ''conditioned'' as a cub that buying anything pretty for my self was a felony and terminally selfish. I should have spent my tiny amount of money on buying the mother a teapot. Which she DID NOT NEED (or even want) ... she didn't want me either.
I'm such a terrible person...

Be gone vile garbage lies ....

The sun is shining and Papa bear has been tending to the (other) flowers