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Default May 13, 2022 at 07:16 AM
  #561
I made it to the doctor yesterday and had an EKG done, urine tested and blood work done. Today is a chest x-ray and next week is a heart stress test. Trying to get some answers.

The depression is back. I missed my med provider appointment yesterday due to the medical tests and won’t be able to speak to her until next week if then. I believe all this depression and anxiety is stemming from the realization that my life is not working for me. I’m under a tremendous amount of stress (I’m losing my hair to it) and I’m not thriving. I will rally but it’s too bad I had to go off the Wellbutrin so quickly.

This Sunday we are celebrating Mother’s Day and my, my daughter’s and my mom’s birthdays. It will be lovely seeing M. The pool is about to open and I’m going to Florida soon with M for a week. I’m going to a Drum Circle Monday. Lots of good things to look forward to. I shouldn’t be so down. I am.

I hope everybody has a peaceful day. Hugs to all.
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Default May 13, 2022 at 07:34 AM
  #562
That’s depression for you, good things can be happening but the mood is deflated. At least you can see that those are good things, that’s half the battle right there. Good luck with your medical testing.

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Default May 13, 2022 at 08:13 AM
  #563
Possible trigger:
I don't really know why I'm doing well.

Okay I'm not okay but... ugh...

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Default May 13, 2022 at 08:57 AM
  #564
My doctor said the nodule shouldnt be causing the swallowing issues. Then why do I feel the bump when I swallow... he's not my regular doctor though he is just a fill in. Hopefully I get a call about setting up the ultrasound because I can't just be left hanging with this thing becauase its stressing and freaking me out. I think my anxiety is just rough today because of that. I mean I think anyone would be stressed if they felt a lump while swallowing that they felt was restricting their breathing a bit regardless if they had an anxiety disorder or not. I've always had a lot of anxiety in my throat anyways that sometimes made me feel like my throat was closing up. But anyways today I'm not doing too much. I dug out my plastic Birkenstocks I got on vacation last summer and I'm just chilling inside with the AC and TV on and as usual trying not to overthink anything. Although I have made several small steps this week and my mom is getting a ton of paperwork ready to get me into a program that will really help me out.

Edit: I got a call from the radiologist department a bit ago and I have an ultrasound set up for Tuesday at 12:30. So I'm glad I have that set up, now I just have to distract myself for the next few days.

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Default May 13, 2022 at 12:46 PM
  #565
My pdoc gave me olanzapine and Prozac yesterday. I'm not sure how they will do for my depression but I slept till 0930 today so I will take that as a win.

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Default May 13, 2022 at 01:56 PM
  #566
wfc, That is great news! Good for you, chickie!

Nammu, I guess I almost always wear unisex sandals. This summer's sandals are handmade from dark grey rope, no glue, completely woven by some guys on the coast. Only $30. I do have my platform Crocs sandals, ala Elton John I find platforms very comfortable. But yes, Crocs are hot for summer.

I love a good quality pair of shoes that lasts for years. I hope your new sandals are just the thing!

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Default May 13, 2022 at 02:07 PM
  #567
Beth, I don’t think I could wear rope sandals. Don’t they rub the top of your feet? Sound very pretty though.

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Default May 13, 2022 at 02:09 PM
  #568
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So I have this eating problem and wondering if anyone here has ever heard of what this is? I get spasms in my esophagus sometimes when I eat and it is so painful. Sometimes I throw up but mostly it’s just painful. My drs have done a bunch of tests and said there’s more tests they can do but have ruled out a lot. It seems worse when I go a long time without eating. Like today all I ate was cereal this morning then for supper I had Chinese food. I did get general Tso’s so maybe spicy is a trigger? It’s just so painful and tonight it lasted for for a while. I can go weeks and be fine then this. I don’t really want to undergo some of the tests they’ve brought up. Has anyone heard of this?

Okay, I have had a very similar issue throughout my adult life. It'll go away fro years, then suddenly reappear. The spasms sometimes occur when I have not eaten (I'm guessing that stomach acid occurs?), but they are worse when I DO eat. I have to be extremely careful about what I eat - I'm thinking that spicy is a no-go. It feels like there is something blocking my esophagus and it is extremely unpleasant. Sometimes it will become downright painful, but the actual pain can go up to my ear(s) and down into my chest. Along with the extreme throat/esophagus discomfort. The whole thing is a misery when it occurs. (The Gabapentin has been causing it to flare up lately.)

2 years ago I was miserable with the thing, finally gave in and went to my GP. She prescribed Prilosec; lo and behold, after a few days of treatment the problem resolved. I did the full 2 weeks and the spasms/pain stayed away. Then last month it flared up again (when I increased the Gaba). I did another 14 days of Prilosec - problem gone.

So that's my experience with what sounds very much like what you're going though.

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Default May 13, 2022 at 02:13 PM
  #569
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Beth, I don’t think I could wear rope sandals. Don’t they rub the top of your feet? Sound very pretty though.

Interestingly, the ropes are very soft and comfortable - and strangely supportive. Walking in them feels to me like walking barefoot (which I would do if I wasn't afraid of stepping on something or picking up some creepy disease).

If I knew how to use my phone camera I'd take a pic. The sandals are definitely unusual! I have long, large feet (size 11 ) and hands so shoes are always...a challenge

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Default May 13, 2022 at 02:15 PM
  #570
It’s a beautiful sunny day today. The humidity went down as did the temperature it’s a balmy 78 today. Hot to work in though. I bought flowers for outside. Two hanging plants of petunias and little yellow flowers and little blue flowers. A geranium and mix planters for the ceramic planter and geraniums and marigolds for the flower bed.. still have to sweep out the garage and put the garden bench outside but I needed a break. Whoo hot in the sun. 😃

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Default May 13, 2022 at 02:22 PM
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Interestingly, the ropes are very soft and comfortable - and strangely supportive. Walking in them feels to me like walking barefoot (which I would do if I wasn't afraid of stepping on something or picking up some creepy disease).

If I knew how to use my phone camera I'd take a pic. The sandals are definitely unusual! I have long, large feet (size 11 ) and hands so shoes are always...a challenge

Ooo yeah barefoot 🦶 that’s heaven but yeah, I no longer go barefooted for those reasons. Used to wear soft bottom moccasins for years, but I can’t afford them anymore. Yikes 😬

I take Prilosec now long term because if I don’t take it I throw up every time I eat. But yeah that sounds like the same thing I’ve got. Comes and goes. I was eating spicy food so I suppose that’s a no go any more.

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Default May 13, 2022 at 02:36 PM
  #572
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I made it to the doctor yesterday and had an EKG done, urine tested and blood work done. Today is a chest x-ray and next week is a heart stress test. Trying to get some answers.

The depression is back. I missed my med provider appointment yesterday due to the medical tests and won’t be able to speak to her until next week if then. I believe all this depression and anxiety is stemming from the realization that my life is not working for me. I’m under a tremendous amount of stress (I’m losing my hair to it) and I’m not thriving. I will rally but it’s too bad I had to go off the Wellbutrin so quickly.

This Sunday we are celebrating Mother’s Day and my, my daughter’s and my mom’s birthdays. It will be lovely seeing M. The pool is about to open and I’m going to Florida soon with M for a week. I’m going to a Drum Circle Monday. Lots of good things to look forward to. I shouldn’t be so down. I am.

I hope everybody has a peaceful day. Hugs to all.

Once I had an absolutely top-notch therapist who told me "'should' is between 'sh it' and 'syphilis' in the dictionary." So, no "shoulds."

GOOD for you, Jennifer, for taking charge and doing everything that needs to be done to maintain your physical and mental health! Please give yourself major credit for that.

Yes - too much stress. Your hair falling out signifies too much stress on your mind and body. The pool will surely be extremely beneficial, as will the drum circle.

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Default May 13, 2022 at 02:41 PM
  #573
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It’s a beautiful sunny day today. The humidity went down as did the temperature it’s a balmy 78 today. Hot to work in though. I bought flowers for outside. Two hanging plants of petunias and little yellow flowers and little blue flowers. A geranium and mix planters for the ceramic planter and geraniums and marigolds for the flower bed.. still have to sweep out the garage and put the garden bench outside but I needed a break. Whoo hot in the sun. 😃

Ohhh, the flowers sound divine. We were told here that we can no longer have potted plants outside our doors. That was 2 years ago, and I had to give my beloved geraniums away. But now there are more and more people, especially newer tenants, setting out potted plants. Our manager is very absent and doesn't do anything except collect the rent and pass out receipts. So I'm considering getting a little, colorful plant to set outside my door. There's a certain geranium, it's a neon-pink, I just love that color.

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Default May 13, 2022 at 02:57 PM
  #574
Haha, so yes, my bamboo blanket finally arrived yesterday. It's a pleasant light minty green. Not quite the quality of the first bamboo blanket, but no biggie. I'm sure glad I ordered it too large, though, because wow did it shrink in the dryer.

I took Tylenol PM, made sure I got to bed by 11, and slept well. The bamboo sheets and blankets really do help with comfort/temperature. I feel alive! I can think and function. My ZzzQuil was just delivered, so I'll take that tonight, plan to go to bed by 10:45, and hopefully accomplish another good sleep.

Today is jest gorgeous, I've opened all the windows wide and the breeze blowing through is lovely.

Nammu, I'm a few episode into season 10 of Call the Midwife. I'm excitedly looking forward to watching 1 or 2 episodes tonight


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Default May 13, 2022 at 03:29 PM
  #575
Ooo the thrill of watching call the midwife for the first time! I cried so much watching that show!

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Default May 13, 2022 at 04:51 PM
  #576
I'm having a monster of a struggle right now. My therapist is still unwell, having trouble with her breathing. She'll be out for sure for my Monday appointment and Thursday is definitely up in the air. She's been out this week, of course - and out for our previous Thursday appointment. The month of April was hellish, the beginning of May was very rough. My last appt. with her 12 days ago was intense and I really needed to have regular appointments again.

In short, I miss her extremely. I have had a gift for her, some pretty Noah bells that hang up; I've been holding it for 10 days. It could well be the rest of the month, or close, before I see her again, knowing her history of lung issues.

This town is not very big and I know where she lives (I once looked up her address just for the heck of it, years ago). I am very seriously thinking about driving to (near) her house, quietly walking over there, and leaving the gift for her on her porch.

M. has never been SUPER tight about boundaries. I mean, she definitely remains professional, but she does tell me all about her family, their names, and events in her life. Definitely not as closed as many therapists are. I truly don't think she'd stop seeing me if I drop the gift off. Honestly...I don't know what she'd think. We're close; I know she feels closer to me than to most of her other clients. She HAS to realize that I am very much missing her. It's a lot to ask for me to just go on and on, not knowing when she'll return. 3 years ago, when I very first started seeing her, she ended up being out for 3 full months. And I ended up IP.

Ugggh, I'm so stuck.

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Default May 13, 2022 at 05:03 PM
  #577
Beth. Have you looked in to getting a new therapist? This has been an ongoing issue, I had no idea for 3 years! I think you said she’s 71. You clearly need a T who is more available. What about where you have your new pdoc? If her not being there is so unstablelizing you clearly need someone who can be there.

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Default May 13, 2022 at 05:17 PM
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Beth. Have you looked in to getting a new therapist? This has been an ongoing issue, I had no idea for 3 years! I think you said she’s 71. You clearly need a T who is more available. What about where you have your new pdoc? If her not being there is so unstablelizing you clearly need someone who can be there.

I know. Her health and absences are an enormous problem. Huge problem. Makes a mess of therapeutic continuity. And... just as real is how well M. and I connect, which is very strongly. She's a profoundly intuitive and wise woman, very kind and gentle to me (I've seen her be quite firm with some other people). But her health problems are very disruptive. Yet, the thought of finding another therapist who isn't my kids' ages, but is older than I am, and that I connect with...and (the biggie), having to re-introduce myself and all the "stuff"...I just don't have it in me. Plus, with my disability Medicare I don't pay, so there's the thing of finding a therapist who accepts Medicare, which isn't too easy.

Maybe leaving the gift at M.'s house is my way of letting her know how much her absences affect me. Maybe it's a way of dropping the ball in her court, because I feel so stuck about what to do. And boy, do I ever feel stuck.

Thanks for your reply, Nammu. It means the world, you know...just to reach out and have a friend grab your hand.

And yes - from the first 5 minutes I watched Call the Midwife a year or so ago I was immersed! I bought and read Jennifer Worth's books, too.

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Default May 13, 2022 at 05:28 PM
  #579
Re: midwife. I haven’t read the books, I should do.

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Default May 13, 2022 at 05:36 PM
  #580
I still can't breathe or swallow properly and its pretty bad right now and my blood pressure is pretty low. But every doctor and nurse I've seen and talked with this week didn't seem worried. So I guess I shouldnt be either.

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