Bipolar check-in #65

wildflowerchild25 · May 14, 2022 at 05:22 PM

So I found out this AM that my uncle had a “moderate” stroke LAST WEEK and nobody bothered to tell me

so typical of my family to withhold information. Anyway he apparently has weakness on his left side but no speech issues. BUT he signed himself out AMA from the neuro ICU a couple of days after he was dx’ed with the stroke.

I’m wondering if alcoholism can increase risk of stroke. He’s only 64, which I’m pretty sure is on the younger side for a stroke, though I may be wrong. My grandfather had a TIA when he was in his early seventies so there’s a genetic risk factor already. My uncle is a “functional” alcoholic. Basically he’s been at his job for 30 some odd years but he’s been steadily demoted from grounds manager to his current position of custodian. I believe they are waiting for him to retire, personally. He’s been caught drinking on the job on more than one occasion in the past ten years and I think they’ve been giving him breaks because he’s worked there so long.

I also believe that now that he has to be on disability and possibly retire permanently he’ll throw caution to the wind and just drink all day every day.

I used to hate my family. I used to be furious with my mom for never bothering to get help and just neglecting us. Without my grandma we would have been removed by child services. They came to our house once because a church friend came over and our house had trash strewn literally everywhere. Garbage garbage, not just junk like there is now at her house, like food trash that was attracting bugs. My mom panicked and my grandma came down and cleaned everything up so the social worker wouldn’t see it. And I used to hate my uncle for being an asshole, and my grandpa for being so cold and uncaring toward my grandma and mom.

But now I just feel sad for them all. How miserable they must be. It’s such a sad way to live life, I know. When we went through pictures for my grandfather’s memorial service, I saw not one where he was smiling. How sad is that? And my mom has said a few times that if she ever has a potentially fatal medical emergency, don’t call EMS because she’ll be “dancing with Jesus”. She’s passively sui, my uncle is obviously miserable if he has to get drunk every day. My grandma is gripped with severe anxiety, I can hear it and see it. She’s probably down to about 100lbs, if that. Everyone is so sad and it’s so sad to watch.

I’m just glad I’m getting myself together. I’m glad I’ve made the decision not to live like that. To live for my son until I can find it within myself to live for myself as well.

~Christina · May 14, 2022 at 05:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu

Ooo nice

the things we get excited about when we’re older certainly does change doesn’t it!

That’s a fact

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~Christina · May 14, 2022 at 05:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

That’s so nice of your neighbors!

I have TONS of house plans if we ever hit the lottery lol. Some stuff can be done slowly, like a new ceiling fan and a new side porch light. I really want a sconce on the kitchen wall above the table as the lights cast shadows right over where we sit to eat. But that will have to wait. My dream is to build a patio and a greenhouse but that’s likely never going to come to fruition. We’d be better off moving in a decade or so to a house that already has a patio! I love this house, it’s great for a first house, but when my son gets older and maybe goes off to college I want to look around in a more rural-ish area for a larger yard. I know RS would love a garage and more space to store his various vehicles (two large diesel trucks and a jeep Cherokee). Pretty impossible to afford anywhere with a big yard in NJ though. Even the more rural areas are being built up with McMansions. I’d love to take my grandma’s house but she specifically said no one gets it, we are to sell at split the profits to be fair to everyone. She knows there would be arguments among my dysfunctional family

This weekend I start work at my part time job, and then we’re taking my mom out to a belated Mother’s Day lunch. Then on Sunday we’re going on a hike in the mountains then to my grandmas to pick up a deck umbrella. She can’t stand throwing stuff out so we agree to take it under the guise of using it and donate/throw it out ourselves. I think she knows this but she still feels better if we do it!

Sending healing vibes for all your pain!

Thanks so much

I agree not every improvement can be made on a home your living in. We bought this place as our last home so we are going to plug away on things here and there. I get impatient though lol

I think a lot of people are wanting to have a bit of space and your so right developers are snatching up land left and right for those McMansions. I think it’s doubtful that my area will grow much maybe way down the road.. I hope not.

Let me know how your job goes. I have to find something myself.

Hugs !

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~Christina · 06:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

Feeling better now - physically and anxiety wise. Had to take several Xanax but it achieved the desired results. I’m calm now. I’m about to continue getting ready for tomorrow’s celebration. I may be up all night because I am behind with everything going on but that’s okay. I am worried that I may be in deep trouble with my med provider because I quit that med without running it by her first. I just couldn’t take the insomnia, severe anxiety and bathroom trips anymore. I guess I’ll find out next week whether she dismisses me or not (yes, I’m that worried).

It’s been beautiful weather here but it gets so warm in the afternoon that I sit outside in the mornings now with my tangerine tea. Counting down the days until May 28th when the pool opens. Then I’ll really enjoy the beautiful afternoon weather. I leave for Florida on the 29th so I’ll get one float day in.

Hugs to all.

Glad your doing better

Edit. Jennifer I just saw you other post. I’m sorry things are tough today. Is there anything I can do to help ?? Many hugs

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~Christina · May 14, 2022 at 05:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Beth*

Okay! A terrific work out vacuuming, mopping, changing out the cat boxes, now I have lots of garbage and recycling to take down to the bins.

Listening to disco, wow, sure takes me right back to 1979. I was 17. Great times (as long as I wasn't at home). I wonder how many people realize that the BeeGee's are saying "What're you doing on your back, you should be dancing"? Popular music snuck some naughty lyrics in, for sure

Did I ever tell you guys that I was

Possible trigger:

raped when I was fifteen? It was a boy older than I was. The pain was so severe...I wanted to scream out, but all I could do was get tiny breaths enough to keep from completely passing out. I've never told my husband about it. David was "the first" as far as consent, and I was 18. That's all he knows. He does know about my sickening step-father's sexual abuse, though. I looked up my step-fuc"er's name online and discovered that he's dead. Thank God he can't hurt more children. I have to fight the belief that I'm just a thing to be used, a dirty ragdoll.

Okay, off to drag all the recycling down. Hugs all around.

Where's Soupe?

Glad you got your chores done. Isn’t it nice nice it’s done and you can sit back and enjoy

I’m sorry had such trauma in your life. Mine was a friend of my brothers and a Uncle. Be proud of bring strong and moving on with life. That stuff never goes away from our minds but it’s fantastic to know they are dead and burning in hell.

Do you have very far to take stuff to the bins ? I wish my town did some kind of recycling. There was one place but they closed down years ago.

How’s Sydney?

The wedding is June 1st I’m pretty excited !

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~Christina · May 14, 2022 at 05:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bizi

It has been 3 weeks since I fell and hurt my knees. I really think I should go to physical therapy to be evaluated and treated.
Both knees have different problems/pain when putting pressure on them like for my job. I kneel down on the floor.
anyway...
hugs to anyone who needs one.
(((((((HUGS))))))
bizi

Yes please do get them checked out

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~Christina · May 14, 2022 at 06:17 PM

Well I never know how to pace myself

That’s okay I got my floors steam cleaned. Steve scolded me for doing so much. Meh I’d not be able to relax had I not done it.

Really warm here today only saving grace is a breeze.

Steve’s out working on a mower. He ordered a new filter system for one of the oxygen concentrators so I’m crossing all my body parts that it will get it running again. Hope we get it quickly. When he doesn’t use his oxygen he snores so loud. Think Fred Flintstone !!!

I made a yellow cake today and put some strawberries in the batter. I just NEED cake. Small piece here and there is fine. I’d like to eat the whole thing

Hope everyone is having a good Saturday

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Nammu · May 14, 2022 at 06:23 PM

Oooo the day turned into one of those perfect Minnesota days. After all my chores today I went and sat outside, it cooled down to the 70’s with a breeze. Robins egg blue sky. Just a week ago it was still winter.

wildflowerchild25 · May 14, 2022 at 06:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Thanks so much

I agree not every improvement can be made on a home your living in. We bought this place as our last home so we are going to plug away on things here and there. I get impatient though lol

I think a lot of people are wanting to have a bit of space and your so right developers are snatching up land left and right for those McMansions. I think it’s doubtful that my area will grow much maybe way down the road.. I hope not.

Let me know how your job goes. I have to find something myself.

Hugs !

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It went pretty good! It just happens to be a good store. Only 4 hour shifts for part timers so it’s perfect for me. I’ll be happier to be on register and fronting/facing/doing go-backs (all terms I remembered from my old days of retail work!) than stocking shelves, only because my back hates me now from all the bending! Stocking shelves was fun mentally though, it was like a puzzle. All of the stock from the truck has to fit on the shelves somehow so it was a matter of Tetris-ing the stuff on there by moving other stuff around, condensing boxes, etc. It was good for a distraction as well, I had some bad dreams again so I was upset upon waking.

You have to find the perfect place for you though, somewhere that will accept short shifts for you and allow for your physical disabilities per ADA. You don’t need to be getting hurt! My SIL was able to get a job at a department store that allowed her to sit at the register to accommodate her disability. Unfortunately she got fired within a week because she doesn’t realize how insolent she sounds when responding to criticism sometimes! But her physical disability wasn’t a problem.

I just don’t want you to overwork and hurt yourself!

wildflowerchild25 · May 14, 2022 at 06:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Beth*

Okay! A terrific work out vacuuming, mopping, changing out the cat boxes, now I have lots of garbage and recycling to take down to the bins.

Listening to disco, wow, sure takes me right back to 1979. I was 17. Great times (as long as I wasn't at home). I wonder how many people realize that the BeeGee's are saying "What're you doing on your back, you should be dancing"? Popular music snuck some naughty lyrics in, for sure

Did I ever tell you guys that I was

Possible trigger:

raped when I was fifteen? It was a boy older than I was. The pain was so severe...I wanted to scream out, but all I could do was get tiny breaths enough to keep from completely passing out. I've never told my husband about it. David was "the first" as far as consent, and I was 18. That's all he knows. He does know about my sickening step-father's sexual abuse, though. I looked up my step-fuc"er's name online and discovered that he's dead. Thank God he can't hurt more children. I have to fight the belief that I'm just a thing to be used, a dirty ragdoll.

Okay, off to drag all the recycling down. Hugs all around.

Where's Soupe?

Regarding your trauma:
Me. Too. Different circumstances but same consequences.

I do hope you find a Therapist to do trauma work with if yours continues to be unreliable. I would recommend trying to find a PTSD support group if you can, or trauma education group. I don’t know if there’s any around you, I’m only in one because I’m in IOP. I went to a free outside group once but there were only two other women there and they were in their teens/early twenties. I felt I didn’t “fit in”.

~Christina · May 14, 2022 at 07:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

So I found out this AM that my uncle had a “moderate” stroke LAST WEEK and nobody bothered to tell me

so typical of my family to withhold information. Anyway he apparently has weakness on his left side but no speech issues. BUT he signed himself out AMA from the neuro ICU a couple of days after he was dx’ed with the stroke.

I’m wondering if alcoholism can increase risk of stroke. He’s only 64, which I’m pretty sure is on the younger side for a stroke, though I may be wrong. My grandfather had a TIA when he was in his early seventies so there’s a genetic risk factor already. My uncle is a “functional” alcoholic. Basically he’s been at his job for 30 some odd years but he’s been steadily demoted from grounds manager to his current position of custodian. I believe they are waiting for him to retire, personally. He’s been caught drinking on the job on more than one occasion in the past ten years and I think they’ve been giving him breaks because he’s worked there so long.

I also believe that now that he has to be on disability and possibly retire permanently he’ll throw caution to the wind and just drink all day every day.

I used to hate my family. I used to be furious with my mom for never bothering to get help and just neglecting us. Without my grandma we would have been removed by child services. They came to our house once because a church friend came over and our house had trash strewn literally everywhere. Garbage garbage, not just junk like there is now at her house, like food trash that was attracting bugs. My mom panicked and my grandma came down and cleaned everything up so the social worker wouldn’t see it. And I used to hate my uncle for being an asshole, and my grandpa for being so cold and uncaring toward my grandma and mom.

But now I just feel sad for them all. How miserable they must be. It’s such a sad way to live life, I know. When we went through pictures for my grandfather’s memorial service, I saw not one where he was smiling. How sad is that? And my mom has said a few times that if she ever has a potentially fatal medical emergency, don’t call EMS because she’ll be “dancing with Jesus”. She’s passively sui, my uncle is obviously miserable if he has to get drunk every day. My grandma is gripped with severe anxiety, I can hear it and see it. She’s probably down to about 100lbs, if that. Everyone is so sad and it’s so sad to watch.

I’m just glad I’m getting myself together. I’m glad I’ve made the decision not to live like that. To live for my son until I can find it within myself to live for myself as well.

I’m sorry you had a really rough upbringing. People have no idea what damage can be done to children.

I’m sure alcohol is part of the reason he had a TIA. I had one about 2 years ago.

Sometimes it’s okay to stay alive for others when we can’t find the energy for ourselves. Your doing so much better !

That’s great about your job working out well so far.

Yeah I can’t imagine more than 4 hours at a time.. and yo think I use to work 6 out of 7 days 12 hour shift in a nursing home mental and physically one of the toughest jobs.

Hope the job continues to go well

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~Christina · May 14, 2022 at 07:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu

Oooo the day turned into one of those perfect Minnesota days. After all my chores today I went and sat outside, it cooled down to the 70’s with a breeze. Robins egg blue sky. Just a week ago it was still winter.

I love 70’s ! Like perfect temp for me ! Glad you are enjoying it!

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Victoria'smom · May 14, 2022 at 07:33 PM

So I took up smoking, again. Not nicotine but something else, that's legal. I don't know if I can take my meds with it so I'm skipping meds if I smoke at night. I don't know how I can find out without asking pdoc because I don't see him until July. I'm drinking soda again, eating maybe 1x a day. At the same time

Possible trigger:

my sex drive is back, anxiety is lower

but I'm adjutated like crazy. I don't know if this is an upswing or a side effect. My head is loud.

bizi · May 14, 2022 at 08:29 PM

Beth, thank you for sharing with us. What a horrible man. Glad he is dead too.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

*Beth* · May 14, 2022 at 08:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

Oh Beth, I'm so sorry that happened to you. I wish I knew what else to say. I undestand about being glad your step-father is dead; I feel the same about the world being safe from my biological father. When he died we found evidence of his desire to abuse children and women dating back to his first years teaching (yep. he was a teacher, horrifying) and continuing until the years near his death. I was glad to see that danger end and hope he hadn't successfully harmed anyone in many years.

Hugs to you.

Thank you, Rainbow. And I am so sorry. Horrifying is right.

*Beth* · May 14, 2022 at 09:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

So I found out this AM that my uncle had a “moderate” stroke LAST WEEK and nobody bothered to tell me so typical of my family to withhold information. Anyway he apparently has weakness on his left side but no speech issues. BUT he signed himself out AMA from the neuro ICU a couple of days after he was dx’ed with the stroke.

I'm sorry that you're family doesn't communicate more effectively. And it's rotten that your uncle had a stroke, even a moderate one. My sister had a "small" (??) stroke some months ago...it seems worse than small, to me. She's 77; our mother died at 79 from a stroke. I'm so afraid about my sister.

I’m wondering if alcoholism can increase risk of stroke. He’s only 64, which I’m pretty sure is on the younger side for a stroke, though I may be wrong. My grandfather had a TIA when he was in his early seventies so there’s a genetic risk factor already. My uncle is a “functional” alcoholic. Basically he’s been at his job for 30 some odd years but he’s been steadily demoted from grounds manager to his current position of custodian. I believe they are waiting for him to retire, personally. He’s been caught drinking on the job on more than one occasion in the past ten years and I think they’ve been giving him breaks because he’s worked there so long.

Oh, yikes. I certainly don't know for sure, but common sense tells me that alcoholism could certainly contribute to having a stroke - especially if the genetics are present. 64 is pretty young for a stroke, yes. How very sad.

I also believe that now that he has to be on disability and possibly retire permanently he’ll throw caution to the wind and just drink all day every day.

Yep. That's the likely situation if he doesn't seek treatment.

I used to hate my family. I used to be furious with my mom for never bothering to get help and just neglecting us. Without my grandma we would have been removed by child services. They came to our house once because a church friend came over and our house had trash strewn literally everywhere. Garbage garbage, not just junk like there is now at her house, like food trash that was attracting bugs. My mom panicked and my grandma came down and cleaned everything up so the social worker wouldn’t see it. And I used to hate my uncle for being an asshole, and my grandpa for being so cold and uncaring toward my grandma and mom.

But now I just feel sad for them all. How miserable they must be. It’s such a sad way to live life, I know. When we went through pictures for my grandfather’s memorial service, I saw not one where he was smiling. How sad is that? And my mom has said a few times that if she ever has a potentially fatal medical emergency, don’t call EMS because she’ll be “dancing with Jesus”. She’s passively sui, my uncle is obviously miserable if he has to get drunk every day. My grandma is gripped with severe anxiety, I can hear it and see it. She’s probably down to about 100lbs, if that. Everyone is so sad and it’s so sad to watch.

Yeah. Sad is right. Tragic. I mean, I get it way back before such things as psychotherapy and psychiatric medication, and support groups - and the internet - were available. But in modern times, since about 1975? People have had the opportunity to reach out for help for a long time, now. For generations. Yet, many people will just allow their lives to slip away.

I suppose it's a vicious cycle...I don't care enough about myself to get help, I don't get help because I don't deserve it - and there's the shame. And there's just plain ignorance. But not taking steps to be healthier is so freaking selfish!

I’m just glad I’m getting myself together. I’m glad I’ve made the decision not to live like that. To live for my son until I can find it within myself to live for myself as well.

There you go! Girl, that takes something very, very special and you have it. Awareness, willingness. And wisdom, foresight. Congratulations!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Beth* · May 14, 2022 at 09:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina

...Mine was a friend of my brothers and a Uncle. Be proud of bring strong and moving on with life. That stuff never goes away from our minds but it’s fantastic to know they are dead and burning in hell.

Do you have very far to take stuff to the bins ? I wish my town did some kind of recycling. There was one place but they closed down years ago.

....

Ugh. I'm so sorry, Christina. It is, though. It was like redemption for me when I saw that obituary. Then I got paranoid, fearing he'd haunt me. I want to say such thoughts are BD, but I guess they fall under "PTSD."

The dumpster bins...I walk past 4 apartments, down the stairs, across the parking lot, and dump the stuff into either the garbage or the recycle. I also wish every state did recycling. Some people complain because tweakers go through the recycle bin at night to get bottles and cans, but who cares? They get money for the bottles & cans, and the stuff gets recycled, either way.

*Beth* · May 14, 2022 at 09:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bizi

Beth, thank you for sharing with us. What a horrible man. Glad he is dead too.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

How kind of you, bizi. Thank you. Yeah, he was...a horror show.

bizi · May 14, 2022 at 09:21 PM

Beth and christina,
you guys are always there to be kind and considerate to this forum.
Thank you for your support thru out the years.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

*Beth* · May 14, 2022 at 11:12 PM

Wow, thank you bizi. So many times words come at just the right moment, and yours did just now. I feel you give me so much support and friendship. And everyone - your hugs and thank you's mean A LOT.

wfc, I don't know how I missed it, but good going on getting the job! 4 hour shifts sound just right.

I'm feeling very down tonight. Ugh to week-ends.

I'm worrying about Sidney. I have 5 cats and the feline diabetes support group admins are adamant about feeding diabetic cats wet food only. I do feed them wet food; Sid especially gets a lot of wet food, 3 times/day. But I have to leave kibble out for all of them, for a number of valid reasons. Sid's numbers are just stuck on the high side and that group makes me feel like I'm killing her. Even David offers me support about this, about how careful I am with caring for the cats. Yet, her numbers are still up, so maybe the group admins are correct. I'm torn to pieces. Just having a very, very rough time and it doesn't seem to stop.

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Bipolar check-in #65

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