[xRavenx]

I see my pdoc next week, but thought maybe it would be good to talk to people here who can maybe relate or at least for support since I feel stuck.

I have some people in my life who say they care, but I do not believe that they are really capable of understanding how I feel right now. I feel like a burden to them and when I try to talk about it, it's useless since I do not really get anything back from them that makes me feel any better. But I realize nobody is responsible for making me feel better, and I don't want others to pity me.

I keep feeling like things are going to get worse for me the older I get. I feel people are either going to get tired of me and leave or pass away from old age or something else. These thoughts make me not want to go on since I feel it's as good as it's ever going to get at this point and will only go downhill from here (and it already is).

My motivation is lacking. Things do not bring me joy the way they used to. I'm not interested in anything, even when I think about potential hobbies. I feel tired a lot and get tearful. Somehow I am keeping up with my job to an extent since it gets my mind off of myself and onto others. But it's not enough to take me out of the depression, anger, anxiety, and frustration that I feel.

I just want all of this to be over, and I don't want to rely on anybody to feel happy. It's just that I cannot find things that make me feel better the way they used to. Everything seems too difficult, and my self-esteem is poor. I keep looking for something or someone to give me some kind of feeling, but I just feel empty and sad inside.

Can anyone relate to these feelings? Have you found anything to be helpful? I have to think about what to tell my pdoc. I don't really know what would be helpful. I've been on so many Bipolar depression medications where I should be feeling better, but I'm back into another episode.

[Victoria'smom]

I relate, I don't know what helps, Talking to my T about it when I get a chance.

[Matty5000]

XRavenx, it is unbelievable how close your post is to how I have felt over the last year and a half. I had a pretty bad episode that included mixed states and rapid cycling.

Originally Posted by xRavenx

I have some people in my life who say they care, but I do not believe that they are really capable of understanding how I feel right now. I feel like a burden to them and when I try to talk about it, it's useless since I do not really get anything back from them that makes me feel any better. But I realize nobody is responsible for making me feel better, and I don't want others to pity me.

I have had an issue talking about what I've felt. For one, no one who hasn't been there will really know what it's like. The closest I've had is my sister who's dealt with depression and anxiety. I also feel like opening up to anyone just gets them down, like i shouldn't bring them down with my problems. Every time I do I open up, I can feel this awkward tension because they never really know what to say in response.

My wife was really unable to help me feel better, partly due to the fact that I was making her life so much harder. Seeing the pain I was causing only fuelled my low self esteem and self hatred. It sucks when you feel isolated even from the people closest to you. Maybe this forum can help, though. Give yourself credit for posting here.

Originally Posted by xRavenx

I keep feeling like things are going to get worse for me the older I get. I feel people are either going to get tired of me and leave or pass away from old age or something else. These thoughts make me not want to go on since I feel it's as good as it's ever going to get at this point and will only go downhill from here (and it already is).

I've been very concerned about things getting worse. Dark thoughts are hard not to listen to, but if you can, try to remember they are just thoughts. There is nothing saying they are correct thoughts, and thoughts aren't actually even real. It's a tough thing to really remember that, though.

This illness is so harsh, and you never really know where it will go, but from everything I've read it never seems to trend for the better, unless you can find some set of meds that really work. I think I may have found that for myself, as I have been feeling better after starting some new medication, but I know for a while I felt pretty hopeless as we grappled to get my moods under control. I have dedicated myself to trying to get stable and stay that way, for my sake, as well as for my loved ones. I can't guarantee anything, but if you can figure out a way to just imagine a day you'll feel better, it might make it just a little more bearable.

Originally Posted by xRavenx

My motivation is lacking. Things do not bring me joy the way they used to. I'm not interested in anything, even when I think about potential hobbies. I feel tired a lot and get tearful. Somehow I am keeping up with my job to an extent since it gets my mind off of myself and onto others. But it's not enough to take me out of the depression, anger, anxiety, and frustration that I feel.

I understand the lack of motivation and lack of enjoyment of anything. Maybe taking on something easy from time to time could help a little. It's hard, but sometimes just doing anything at all can help. A lot of times I'll do something assuming it will suck ahead of time, but then it turns out ok.

Originally Posted by xRavenx

I just want all of this to be over, and I don't want to rely on anybody to feel happy. It's just that I cannot find things that make me feel better the way they used to. Everything seems too difficult, and my self-esteem is poor. I keep looking for something or someone to give me some kind of feeling, but I just feel empty and sad inside.

I don't know what to say, other than I have totally been here, especially the self esteem part.

Originally Posted by xRavenx

Can anyone relate to these feelings? Have you found anything to be helpful? I have to think about what to tell my pdoc. I don't really know what would be helpful. I've been on so many Bipolar depression medications where I should be feeling better, but I'm back into another episode.

I felt like I had a good set of meds, and then I fell back into an episode worse and longer than I had experienced before. It's disheartening. My best advice is to just keep going. There's a day out there where you'll feel better, and once you start feeling better, even if you're not totally back, that in itself is a relief.

I feel for what you're going through. It's rough. I personally felt like I was losing my mind at several points. I hope you can get through this soon, with a little additional pain as possible.

[xRavenx]

Thank you, Matty5000 for responding and sharing your thoughts. I am trying to do my best and take it one day at a time and will be talking to my pdoc again soon.

[xRavenx]

Thank you, Matty5000 for responding and sharing your thoughts. I am trying to do my best, take it one day at a time, and will be talking to my pdoc again soon.

[NorthernMark]

You touch my heart and I hope you don't get worse with age. You have to reach out and rely more on your family. Isolating assures that you will have to deal with a worsening track.

[Fuzzybear]