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Default May 25, 2022 at 03:08 PM
  #1
Hello everyone. I haven’t forgot about You, dear readers. It’s just that I was in my depression-mode and locked me out from almost everything and everyone. I was basically sick and home. No work no nothing. Then I realised that no one will help me but myself to get out of this black hole. If you can little bit about astronomy, you probably know that not even the light itself can escape any black hole who is in our galaxy and in many other parts of our universe. So, I started to search the way out. And in my case was for jobs. Then the phone started to ring and I eventually went on as many interviews as I could. I simply didn’t gave up and I would go to as many interviews as possible till I got a new job somewhere else but here where I live.

I also met a good doctor from psychiatry, and she really did help - even if the conversation was 45 minutes only. Then I got a new doctor at my health centre too who also helped me.

How it is now? I got a new job. And it’s in another town. It’s just the kind of job I wanted and I will still work as a teacher. I didn’t gave up the hope about my profession no matter how poisonous hell I went through during my last years at my current work. The so called “colleagues” where one of them even wrote “F-k off” on the wall next to the door I use for my working room. That’s kind of stuff I was forced to go through lately when I came back to my current work.

Now I will also write another diary, which I hope I will write every day. Not too much, not too little. It will contain my best helps and support to everyone here. I hope You can follow if You like. I won’t disappear on You or disappoint You. Because I’m not feeling bad anymore. I feel for the first time in so many years happiness and joy. That I’m finally free. That I managed to pull off something that others in my position never could. Not like this, not in this profession and not among poisonous people and a venomous boss with strong ruler-technique. So called “teachers” with “core values”. On top of it the corrupt local teacher union who was suppose to help you, but did all its very best to get rid off you. The only I will miss at my old school are those wonderful children. That’s it. But that’s the life I guess. I’ll meet new children, and the story goes on. New chapters, new adventures. New beginnings.

Take care of You all, and remember:

"Only in the darkness can you see the stars."

- Martin Luther King Jr.
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Default May 26, 2022 at 01:19 PM
  #2
I will be looking forward to reading your writings.
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Default May 26, 2022 at 02:03 PM
  #3
I'm glad you got a new job. I hope this one is much nicer for you. I'm also glad you are back!

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Default May 26, 2022 at 02:58 PM
  #4
Dear reader. Today it was a Swedish holiday - that means Swedish “Kristi himmelsfärdsdag”. Translated to English it means “Ascension Day”. No one worked today, and we teachers will not work tomorrow too. I spent this holiday with my nephews and family. I hugged my nephews so many times today and we played card-games, memory and everything. I hugged them over and over again, thinking of that sad happening - the massacre - in Texas, USA. Those little children, who were in same age as my oldest nephew. What a tragic event. I can’t still stop thinking of those kids and those teachers. Their families… Even today a piece of me as a teacher and as a human is still heartbroken by this.

Tomorrow I have plan to go to big city with my friend by train. I sold my car couple of weeks ago, my first and only car. So no more car for me. Just public transport. In one way it was liberating since our fuel-prices here passed all absurdity-level. Plus the service at Volkswagen, insurance etc. I don’t know when I’ll buy me a car again. I don’t need one. Especially when I have great public transport with solid prices (we buy our tickets via app and it’s really smooth).

I have noticed that I have difficult to sleep. But not that I can’t fall asleep, it’s more that I’m afraid to sleep. It’s an obvious pattern now that has followed me for a long time. Really silly, yes. But this is something I had since the war broke out in Balkans. To think that one night might be the last one. And where I lived in pitch black conditions for one year. I wanted to make an appointment via Mindler - our Swedish shrink-app who is not expensive - but thing is that I only get 15 minutes of talk. Then I need to book an new appointment with a new shrink and so on. Which means I need to start over and over again. I had a shrink once, but he discarded me saying that “I was just fine” without even having five meetings (we had two).

So I have my old mindfulness-app, from White Noise, where I listen at “Evening Marsh” - the sound from frogs and crickets in a pond in the middle of the night. And their little orchestra eventually gets me asleep. It’s also strange that I can almost remember everything I dreamed. That I have such great memory. I also haven’t used my Zopiclone for a long time, and it’s only 3,75mg (one pill is 7,5mg). I still have huge respect for that pill.

I hope that tomorrow will be a good day. And I hope I’ll find a solution for my sleeping-problems. I wish it was an easy-fix, but we will see. Today’s post here was supposed to be “small” but I see now that sometimes it’s almost impossible to make it so.

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Default May 26, 2022 at 04:23 PM
  #5
Hello Hexagon, and welcome back! I did miss your presence here and was concerned.

Congratulations on your new job! How brave of you to take the steps to make positive changes when you were still suffering with depression.

The massacre in Texas is hideous. There are no words that convey the horror of what those poor little ones went through - and their teachers. The families...generations are damned by what that shooter did.

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Default May 27, 2022 at 03:45 PM
  #6
Dear readers. I want to thank You all for such kind words! Really! It give me much more hope to battle this mental illness, but also to understanding it in a way I never could do before. I read too here from other peoples experiences, struggles but also happy things. Since I also am science teacher, I know that there is no “cure” for bipolar - even if I deep inside still hoping that one day it will be.

I was today in the big city, with my friend. We ate at a Asian restaurant - a Mongolian one. There they all have tons of all kind of raw food where you pick it as buffet on your plate and give it straight to an Kung Fu-chef. He really was Kung Fu since he cooked amazingly eight (!) - yes - eight dishes at once. For me, that stress would’ve like killed me, but for him - it was fun and entertaining. He always had a smile on his face and so kind to everyone. When I spoke to him in Swedish, he told me that he haven’t been in Sweden so long. But his Swedish was really good. Then I thanked him in Chinese and he like: “You can mandarin!?” We had fun me and him. My favourite chef.

Then, after a good meal and a good coffee, me and my mate went outside in the very core. Sat outside at another pub/restaurant and had what we swedes call “fika”. That means coffee with cake. Yes, we swedes are bit silly. First we eat till we burst, then we go for coffee and cake. But the weather was spot on. People everywhere, sitting and enjoying. I haven’t seen so many people since the spring of 2019. Perhaps it’s even more now than ever before.

After that we hit the tram to the temporary train station (the central station was under maintenance) and went happy back to our town. Home, I had no plans at all. I watched now the fourth episode of “Star Trek: Strange New Worlds”, and the team behind this done an amazing job, with plenty of nostalgia from the The Original Series (TOS) who had William Shatner as Captain Kirk and Leonard Nimoy as Spock. Thing is that here we follow another captain: Captain Pike - who knows what might/might not happen to him in the future (your need though to watch all previous episodes from “Star Trek: Discovery” to fully understand all this puzzle).

And there I did this again: wrote like two pages here instead of just some few lines. Again. Hopefully it’s okay with You all. I can get caught in details and such, but believe me: I’m trying all my best not to. See You tomorrow and have a lovely weekend!

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Default May 28, 2022 at 05:04 PM
  #7
Good very late evening dear reader. It’s four minutes past midnight here. Sat and watched the new Obi Wan Kenobi on Disney+. Kind a cool series if you ask me. Fun to see those old actors and actress come back from those movies in the 00s, when I just started my first year in gymnasium. Episode 2 came when I started my second year. I remember them so well. Some say they were terrible, but I always found them all three charming and interesting in their own way.

Oh, and before this I went to the gym together with my brother and my oldest nephew. We were one hour there. My nephew wanted to try a gym-carriage, the one you put weight and press forward. It had four wheel and all, placed on a long, green indoor-carpet that reminded me as it was cut from any American football-pitch. Approximately 15 meters (~49 feet) tall across and perhaps 1 meter (~3 feet) wide. So he pushed that black carriage with some weights on up and down. The kid was really strong, and I was there to supervise him just in case. But he had fun. We too. I did some exercises for my back and triceps, my brother did others.

Afterwards we bought fresh strawberries and enjoyed. All in all: it really was a good Saturday.

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Default May 28, 2022 at 08:59 PM
  #8
You have many really nice days. I've been enjoying strawberries lately, too.

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Default May 29, 2022 at 03:45 PM
  #9
Dear reader. Today it was Mother’s Day here in Sweden. Mother’s Day varies from country to country, but today it was our turn. And it’s big day for all mothers. Yesterday I bought an packed gift with red silk-paper with golden ribbons. The package contained Belgian chocolates - pralines - with all kind of sorts. So I surprised my mom today with it.

My mom always tells me she doesn’t want anything special or at all, just plenty of hugs. My dear little mom, who was with me all this time, in any good time and through any storm. How brave she is. How she saved us all in that war: me, my brother and my dad. How she went to that village on foot for some milk and cheese and how she dodged the Serbian bullets from automatic rifles. How she prepared us for the worst already in 1990 and took out national (Yugoslavian) passports, since things got from bad to worse.

There are so many things my mom did and so many times. I wish that I was just 5% as brave as her. I know she’s 64, but I hope I’ll have her in so many years. To be my mom, to go with me for a walk outdoor to the forest. To learn me even more about gardening and such. To have me for many years as her son that she raised to be good, kind and full with empathy and understanding. That is why she is my hero.

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Default May 30, 2022 at 04:40 PM
  #10
Good late evening, dear reader. First day of the week done. It was solid day, not much happened at work. My venom-boss tried to - if I put this in American English - “suck up” for me. Even helped me with some stuff, laughed weirdly and all that. Perhaps she’s relived that I’m soon quitting from her palace. It turned out (well, people talk) others will quit too. And that many students already have or will quit.

Nothing of this bothers me anymore. I should’ve left this place long ago but instead I was too loyal and to faithful to do that.

When I came home, I didn’t do much. Lazy, mostly, on a Monday afternoon. Tomorrow I’ll buy me some watermelon. Our store got some delivery from Spain. They seems to be small but we’ll see. Probably they are like European footballs. Those huge ones, where our other grocery store (an orientalist one) orders from Greece and Turkey, those will come in July and August. Those are enormous watermelons. 44 lbs (20kg) were the absolute biggest. But hey, now I will be satisfied with whatever watermelon no matter the size.

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Default May 31, 2022 at 01:24 PM
  #11
Good evening dear reader. It’s not late, eight o clock. Dawn. And I’m on a walk. I needed it, since I once and again read stuff on social media. About that war I experienced as a boy. That war have surely burnt forever in my hard drive, and no fragment of it can be unfortunately deleted. Not one byte. So, to put an defragmentation, I go for a walk or hit the gym.

I can’t still forget nor forgive that Swedish authorities never did anything to help me and my parents process this. Or any other families who came during the war here. Or any war refugees - AT ALL. Yes, believe or not, but believe it: they didn’t do a *****. So people, like me and my parents, processed this on our own. The fear and all that hell we went through from April 1992 to April 1993. But politicians like here to be proud and speak greatly on how we “integrated” us among the ordinary swedes. We had no choice but to do so. So no, here isn’t only milk and honey. Far from it. It’s disgrace that no refugee got any mental help to process the hell they went through. Nothing but disgrace.

That is why I’m still upset about this country. They could’ve at least put some resources in schools on school consulars to help the children who came to this country as refuges from the hell-holes such in Syria and Afghanistan - now Ukraine - to process their war. But they didn’t. They didn’t because many of them don’t have empathy. Many of them (politicians) are cold. And that is why Sweden still battles with heavy segregation. This is the main reason on why. I should’ve emigrated from here to Finland or even Iceland where people are not like this. Not like THIS.

I stayed here only because of my parents and my nephews, and my brother - who luckily didn’t remember the war at all since he was younger than me. That is why I became teacher, when I one day meet refugees - which I did from Syria in 2015 - to be there for them and help them process things. Even if others never did that for me. I promised myself to do so to any refugee. Because I’m warm. Because I have empathy, not only from the book or any literature or “manual” - but for real. That’s is why I didn’t left my profession. And that is why I will work as a teacher - no matter where I am. There is always an opening to reach, where not even the sky is the limit.Restart: Diary 2.0

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Default Jun 01, 2022 at 02:32 PM
  #12
I'm sorry that you went through so much as an immigrant. I had a patient once who was an immigrant to the US during WWII. She and her husband spoke no English and were just kind of thrown into life here without any help. They had a baby and when he went to school the teacher thought he was developmentally delayed because he had an accent and she tried to keep him out of regular classes. The mother had to fight this in her broken English and limited ability to read notes from the teacher. She did win eventually but it was a really hard thing for her to go through.

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Default Jun 01, 2022 at 04:48 PM
  #13
Thank you @BeyondtheRainbow ;for your kind words! To be an immigrant or refugee is really though. Especially when you lose everything and is forced to start over in a foreign country you never knew nothing about.

My goal was to educate myself, finish my school, go to study in university and become something. In my case, a schoolteacher. Even today I don’t regret it, despite all that bad I went through with my venomous boss and some poisonous “colleagues”. I have my two colleagues and friends that I speak with.

But I’ve learn every night how to deal with my sleep. Mindfulness and more mindfulness. To relax, and hope that I won’t get any of those memories from the past in my dreams. It’s a battle every night. Even now, at almost midnight. Pushing myself to stay up, even if I know I need to get at least 7h sleep. Sometimes the memories are like fragments, but most of the time they are like short sequences. And I have to deal with this all by myself, since no local shrink here is willing to help. I just needed some talk.

Now it’s June so days are longer here. Not as long as those days in northern Sweden (Norrland and Lappland), but brighter. So all my curtains are extra black. As if it was decorated by an certain man with weird cloths who is from Transylvania, who likes to sleep in a coffin during the day. And do the opposite by night.

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Default Jun 02, 2022 at 04:12 PM
  #14
Dear reader. Today was just another day. Work went fine. Just counting my days to the vacation. To the summer and enjoy my time. My sleeping is better now, somehow. I don’t get much nightmares anymore. I can dream dreams again. It’s interesting how this can change - for not being able to have good sleep and dream nightmares every night, to have nothing.

I’m thinking that when we all under heavy pressure, that our brains try to tell us to step down few notches. To relax. That is why I always have my mindfulness on every night. So not think at all, just focus on the mindfulness. Focus and focus, all the way. Eventually, the brain will go in energy-saving mode and you will fall asleep. All that without taking any sleeping-pill.

Have a great evening/afternoon.

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Default Jun 03, 2022 at 03:14 PM
  #15
Dead reader. It was nice Friday. Nothing special at the job. Played and had fun with the kids. I then went with my mom to help her buy some new plants at a gardening store. I like to see there what was new, any new fruit trees and they did had: Mediterranean fig-trees. Yes, you surely read it. Fig-trees and who were on discount. Fig-trees that can grow - in SWEDEN.

It’s amazing and same point terrifying. Since when could you have fig-trees for crowd out loud in this country? And outside!? Fruits even has grown a bit, but green. This isn’t normal. None of this. We had Fridays for Future with Greta today too, but in Stockholm and with thousands and thousands clime activists. At the end, all politicians will go their same old habit, forgot about this, forgot about the climate change. Many don’t want to admit that it’s happening, instead they think it’s hoax. Till the ices melts completely (they already did melt, the fastest melting ever recorded).

So when our cost and cities at sea across the world became a new Atlantis, first THEN people will get worried and politicians will increase their actions. Unfortunately, it will all be too late. So if Mother Nature doesn’t kill us, the wars will. Regarding the Mother Nature, let’s make an timeline now:

Our Earth is 4,6 billion years old. If we scale it down to 46 hours, we humans came 4 hours ago. The industrial revolution began 1 minute ago. During this time we have completely destroyed our planet, including the rain forest, nature resources and the climate. Today, our planet is toxic.

Have that in mind next time you still think it’s all hoax. That we are just “fine”. Happy weekend and don’t drive. Take the bus or tram. Or train. Or bicycle. Or just walk.

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Default Jun 04, 2022 at 04:47 PM
  #16
Dear reader. Today it was a sunny Saturday. Me and my family decided to go on fishing in a lake. We also brought some hotdogs to barbecue. I really sat next to my nephews and watched the time fly by. It was so relaxing. A breeze was there too, that eventually turned into a wind. Some lonely duck suddenly dived on to the lake, made that typical ducky sound and came to the wooden pier.

I enjoyed the time here, even if we only were out here for a couple of hours. This kind of experience is truly good not only for your mind, but entire soul. We will go back here many times. To relax, enjoy, have a barbecue, eat hotdogs and be with this gorgeous nature.

Restart: Diary 2.0

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Default Jun 05, 2022 at 04:55 PM
  #17
Dear reader. I hope you had a wonderful weekend. Today I had some gardening. I really like to take care of our garden. The bushes, the lawn. Everything. To get rid off that unwanted grass that grow everywhere. But I also have many flowers to take care of. Various flowers, pink, orange, blue. All kind of tulips. Even lavender. Since it was sunny all this time I need to water it all. Some flowers got dried up since I fork it to give them water.

I got me also a headache since I didn’t wore anything on my head and I underestimated the sun’s heat. But I managed to take paracetamol in time and drink water with an fluid replacement effervescent tablet. After a bit rest I got back on my feet and finished the job.

Afterwards I watched UEFA Nations League where Sweden (unfortunately) lost to a very good opponent- Norway. They do have many great talents, our dear neighbours in the west, and one of them are Erling Haaland - just 21 and a superstar in the world of football.

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Default Jun 06, 2022 at 04:11 PM
  #18
Dear reader. Today it was Sweden’s national day. It was many activities in almost every city and town for any age. Our King had speech as usual, but instead of wishing everyone “happy national day” he wished a “happy Midsummer day” instead. And that is our beloved King Charles XVI Gustaf, in a nutshell.

I myself didn’t done much. I did all my gardening yesterday. Later on I went outdoors and walked 7 miles. My regular route. Many people did speedy walking too, so I wasn’t alone. I had Spotify on and listened at 80s rock from various artists. I was born at that era. But in the 90s, when I was a child (later on an problem child - just as that AC/DC-song), I did heard plenty of those 80s rock artists. Such as Guns ‘N Roses (but also their original band where it all started: L. A. Guns), Warrant, Kix, Deaf Leppard, White Lion, Survivor, Night Ranger, Cinderella and many, many more. Of course KISS too (I even painted myself as Starman in exactly same colours).

Tomorrow it’s work again and I will do just eazy peazy-stuff. Taking moment by moment, have fun with the kids and enjoying my last time there.

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Default Jun 07, 2022 at 03:22 PM
  #19
Today is the last week in school. Then it’s summer break. For the students - not us teachers. We have to work for one more week. Then it’s holiday. Not sure how I will spend my vacation. Well, let say that I won’t spend it anywhere if I don’t get my passport in time (Sweden is the only country - so it seems - to have passport manufacturing-problems).

I went later with my mom after the work to the grocery store. I always help my mom with the groceries. It’s something I’ve done since I was a young boy. Not only be there and help her pack and such - but also paying. All the time when I’m with her.

I don’t mind that. Not one bit. It’s something that I’ve been raised to do: to helping. Especially when my dad is retired. What to do tomorrow? I don’t know. I want to go to the gym I think. Since it will be a rainy day. And I guess that I won’t be alone.

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Default Jun 08, 2022 at 02:39 PM
  #20
Well, dear reader. Today I had an appointment at my health care with my new doctor. He noticed that I did huge progress, and also was very aware of my situation. In matter of fact, there are people who treated me this cruel everywhere he explained. So he wasn’t surprised to what I was forced to go through for one year and two months. But soon, this nightmare will be over.

Next week I’ll return my keys I had for seven years. Can you believe that, dear reader? Seven years at one and same place? And to be treated and used like some rag? Over and over again? No more.

Now I’m at the moment on a one of my evening-walks. That’s perfect for me, to relax before getting into the bed and relax. Listening at Weezer. Counting days to the vacation and to the August, where I will begin my new adventures at a school and a new boss who will appreciate me for my knowledge and for what I am: faithful, loyal worker. And the bringer of happiness.

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